Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Hold Por Favor," "Uber-Banana Seat" and "Good and Bad News For Wisconsin."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Hold Por Favor," "Uber-Banana Seat" and "Good and Bad News For Wisconsin."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Step aside, Schlitz. I'm the Bill that made Milwaukee famous...

(CHEERING)

KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee, Wis., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It is wonderful to be back in Milwaukee, especially as this is the weekend of Harley Fest.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: If you've never been to a huge gathering of Harley riders, well, it kind of looks like a nursing home for leather daddies...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Which is fine. Nothing wrong with that. Later on, we're going to be talking to an actor who first made a name for herself in a production of "King Lear" right here in the Milwaukee Rep back in the '70s. Her name is - Glenn Close we'll be talking to.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: But first, we're interested in the deep secrets of your past, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

PAUL LARSON: Hi. This is Paul Larson (ph). I teach physics at Three Rivers College here in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

SAGAL: Oh, well, that's exciting. OK, you're a physics teacher.

LARSON: Yes.

SAGAL: OK. I have to ask you a question, as someone who has studied physics a long time ago. I know you teach it. Do you understand it?

(LAUGHTER)

LARSON: I understand the stuff that I teach.

SAGAL: You do?

LARSON: And that's all I need to know.

SAGAL: That's all.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: So there's a ceiling.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

LARSON: That's right.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Paul. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a writer, performer and the co-host of the new podcast Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. It's Adam Felber.

ADAM FELBER: Hey there. Hi, Paul.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a features reporter for The Washington Post Style section. It's Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi, Paul.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Finally, it's the comedian who will be leading a conversation with experts on the effects of screen devices on kids' brains at New Roads School in Santa Monica, Calif., on September 17. She's also the woman that nobody listens to. It's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Paul, welcome to the show. You're going to - of course, you're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job - correctly identify 2 out of 3 of them. Do that, and you'll win our prize. That is the voice if anyone you like from this show on your voicemail. You ready to play?

LARSON: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right, here we go. Now, your first quote is from a live broadcast from the White House this week as our president tried to celebrate an international trade deal with a partner.

KURTIS: Enrique? Hello? You want to put that through on this phone, please? Hello?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: President Trump was trying and failing momentarily to get the president of what country on the phone with him?

LARSON: Was it Mexico?

SAGAL: It was Mexico, Paul.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: So Donald Trump, master of reality TV, decided to have the president of Mexico, Enrique Pena Nieto, join him by phone to jointly announce their new trade deal. And it ended up with him sort of shouting at his phone for a good, solid minute on live national television.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And you know this was not a staff error. This was President Trump. You know he said to himself sitting in front of the phone in the Oval Office - said, OK, great. Now I press the mutay (ph) button. That's Mexican for talk.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or maybe, like, it was the Mexicans just pranking him. They're - it's all working fine. And they're just all in Enrique Pena's office like, shh...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Don't say anything. This is great.

ROBERTS: I think they were mad because Trump tried to reverse the charges.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yeah.

KURTIS: Make him pay for it.

SAGAL: He was going to make them pay for it. Yeah. Now, we would be talking about the substance of the deal, but there isn't any.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: As far as anyone can tell, it's a few tweaks to NAFTA that won't really change anything if they become law, which - they won't. Nonetheless, Trump wants to change the name of the deal from NAFTA...

FELBER: To something fantastic.

SAGAL: Yeah, something - he doesn't like NAFTA. That sounds too much like Ivana. And...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And instead - this is true - he says, we're going to call it his - what he called an elegant name - the United States-Mexico Trade Deal (ph).

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

SAGAL: Of course, this is the branding genius behind such innovative names as Trump Tower...

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Trump...

SAGAL: ...And Donald Trump Jr.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Yeah, his novel is almost unreadable because of that. All the characters are named Donald Trump.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, they go up against George Foreman.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: George Foremans.

SAGAL: While we're talking about Trump naming things, I love this. This is a fact. You may remember - I don't know if Donald Trump does, but you may remember that he has a daughter named Tiffany. And...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: No, I didn't even know he had a daughter named Tiffany.

SAGAL: He does. He has a daughter named Tiffany...

FELBER: You did. He...

POUNDSTONE: No, I didn't.

SAGAL: Yeah. But what people don't know is that he named his daughter Tiffany because one of the primary tenants in Trump Tower at the time was Tiffany's, the jewelry store.

FELBER: Oh, man.

SAGAL: So, you know, we were this close to a daughter of the president being named Buffalo Wild Wings Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I was going to say...

FELBER: Which might have made him love her. It's true.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, or his middle child, the Gap.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Paul, your next quote is from a man in Philadelphia reacting to news from a popular app.

KURTIS: I don't want to ride a bike.

SAGAL: That was a natural reaction to which major company announcing a shift in emphasis from ride-sharing to bike-sharing?

LARSON: Uber?

SAGAL: Uber, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Uber...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Uber. We appreciate you doing something about all the drivers who just want to chat with us, but you didn't need to go this far. According to the CEO of Uber, pretty soon, instead of calling a car to get across town, you will use their app to access an electric bicycle.

FELBER: Yes.

SAGAL: Then, in keeping with Uber's branding, the bicycle will wait for you around the corner from where you told it you are.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Seriously, they're using - they're going to bicycles. We've had Uber Eats and Uber delivers. This is Uber gives up.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: They should do Uber listens.

SAGAL: Uber listens? You...

(CROSSTALK)

SAGAL: ...Send somebody over to listen to you?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I would do - you know...

FELBER: I could see one customer. She's sitting right next to me.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I would do that in a flash.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: I don't want to pay a therapist anymore. I don't even think it helps. I just...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I don't want a schedule. I don't want to - you know what I mean? I don't want - I just want someone to listen. I've thought of going up to people on the street and saying, look. I'll give you a hundred bucks to just sit right here on the sidewalk with me...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And, you know, and I would talk for a while. And then they would go, well, I had an experience - and I'd go, no, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Paul. Your last quote is a reaction to a big study in the food and beverage industry that got reported this week.

KURTIS: Meh. Who cares?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was an online comment about this study that made a lot of news because it said that any amount of what - any amount at all - is bad for you?

LARSON: Alcohol?

SAGAL: Yes, alcohol.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE, BOOING)

SAGAL: (Laughter) Milwaukee does not like that.

POUNDSTONE: Geez.

SAGAL: This is...

POUNDSTONE: I forgot where we were...

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: ...And how meaningful - wait until the cheese news comes out.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, my God. We have some cheese news. We have some cheese news.

POUNDSTONE: Cheese news?

SAGAL: Just wait. Just wait, Paula.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you probably have thought - because you've read these stories in the papers - that some alcohol is good for you, right? Like, a glass of red wine has antioxidants. No. A study came out. It says that every single glass of alcohol hurts you. It increases your chances of death or disease or going home with a street magician.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: (Slurring speech) That's a dirty lie.

SAGAL: It is. But there is...

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: (Slurring speech) It's a dirty, dirty lie.

SAGAL: There is a loophole. And if every glass of alcohol is bad, no problem. Let's do some keg stands.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Meanwhile - and I promise this. It is true. At the same time just this week, another study came out this week that said that dairy products - cheese...

FELBER: Oh.

(BOOING)

SAGAL: ...Cheese and yogurt - now, wait. Wait, Milwaukee. Wait, I tell you.

POUNDSTONE: Why did we come here this week?

SAGAL: Wait as I tell you...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...That, according to this study, dairy products protect against, quote, "death from any cause," unquote.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: There you go - any cause.

(APPLAUSE)

FELBER: So if I'm reading the science correctly...

SAGAL: Yeah.

FELBER: What everybody needs is more beer cheese soup.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: And just spike your vodka with yogurt.

FELBER: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Now, if somebody comes at you with a gun, you whip out an ice cream cone.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Paul do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Perfect - 3 and 0.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Paul.

(CHEERING)

LARSON: Thank you. Thank you.

SAGAL: Well done.

(SOUNDBITE OF JERRY LEE LEWIS SONG, "WHAT'S MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS")

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