Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Liar In Chief," "Who Wants To Be A Billionaire?" and "NB-See Ya!"
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Liar In Chief," "Who Wants To Be A Billionaire?" and "NB-See Ya!"

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Open up your anniversary card, everybody. There's a crisp dollar Bill in there for you.

(CHEERING)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chicago Theatre in Chicago, Ill...

(CHEERING)

KURTIS: ...Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We have got a great show for you today. And I know I always say that, but this time I am not lying.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Today, we are celebrating WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME's 20th birthday.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: It's true. That means just one more year of having to ask Morning Edition to buy our booze.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So today, our 20th anniversary spectacular from the stage of the beautiful Chicago Theatre in downtown - checking my notes - Chicago.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Now, we couldn't decide which panelists we should invite on for this show, so we just invited all of them. If you have a favorite...

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: ...They'll be here. And if there's one you hate, well, wait a minute. We'll swap them out for somebody else. It's a party with all our friends, and that includes you, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JASMINE DOROTHY HAEFNER: Hi. This is Jasmine Dorothy Haefner in New York City.

SAGAL: In New York City - and what do you do there?

HAEFNER: I'm an actor and a chess tutor for kids.

SAGAL: A chess tutor for kids?

HAEFNER: Indeed. It's the more interesting of the two, isn't it?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you chess tutor to support your acting?

HAEFNER: Yeah, absolutely.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And what do you do to support your chess tutoring?

(LAUGHTER)

HAEFNER: That's a good question.

SAGAL: (Laughter) Well, welcome to the show, Jasmine. You're going to be playing Who's Bill This Time. And joining us for the game are our panelists Roy Blount Jr., Peter Grosz and Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: After 20 years, I'm pretty sure you know how this works. Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize - the voice of your choice from our show - and you'll hear all of them - on your voicemail. You ready to play?

HAEFNER: Yup.

SAGAL: All right, Jasmine. Your first quote is from former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci.

KURTIS: He's an intentional liar. It's very different than just being a liar liar.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was Mr. Scaramucci trying to defend - yes, defend - whom?

HAEFNER: Hmm.

SAGAL: Hmm.

HAEFNER: Hmm.

SAGAL: Hmm.

HAEFNER: Was it President Trump?

SAGAL: It was, Jasmine. What an amazing wild guess.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: You really have to give Donald Trump credit. He is to lying what Charles Lindbergh was to flying. Nobody else would dare go that far.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: According to the people whose job it is to keep track of the president's lies, their life is a living hell, and they pray for the sweet release of death.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Also, the president is lying far more in the run-up to the midterms than he ever has before. For example, just in the last week, he claimed Congress was doing a 10 percent tax cut before the election when they are not even in session. He said the Saudi arms deal he's so excited about will create 1 million jobs and that his children would love him even if he was not paying them.

(LAUGHTER)

ROY BLOUNT JR.: Picky, picky, picky.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

BLOUNT JR.: Come on.

PETER GROSZ: He's just going to go out and give a speech and be like, I am Ronald Reagan.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, I am.

GROSZ: Please vote for me.

SAGAL: And maybe the best Trump lie yet, in reaction to The New York Times saying that he was sharing classified information on unsecured iPhones, Trump tweeted, that was a lie - from an iPhone.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's, like, who are you going to believe - me or me?

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: I'll be honest. I've been listening to his calls.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What's he been saying, Paula?

POUNDSTONE: Oh, my god. The Chinese must be so bored.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I thought also they were, like, Russian and Chinese spies are listening in. And I thought - like, I literally felt like, oh, he's probably just calling Russian spies. Like, that's why they're listening.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

GROSZ: It's very easy to listen to a phone call that you're on the other end of.

BLOUNT JR.: If you just say whatever comes to mind, it doesn't matter whether nobody believes it's true. You don't have to deny it. It's great. I can sing you quickly my plausible deniability song.

SAGAL: Please.

GROSZ: Yes.

BLOUNT JR.: (Singing) So you've been cheating on your diet, or you went out and started a riot. All you have to do is just deny it. Deniability - you don't have to have no humility if you've got deniability. And remember, you didn't hear it from me.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Jasmine, your next quote is from a commenter on newyorktimes.com.

KURTIS: If I was going to have my life ruined, I would prefer it to be done by $1.6 billion, thank you.

SAGAL: That with somebody hoping in vain that they would win what?

HAEFNER: The lottery.

SAGAL: Yes, the Mega Millions lottery...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...That happened this week.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Somebody in South Carolina bought a lottery ticket and won $1.6 billion. And all we can say is, please, please, do not let it be Lindsey Graham.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's the largest lottery prize ever won by a single person. And if that person is listening, have I ever told you you look fantastic?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: How...

BLOUNT JR.: How would that person be listening to the radio right now? That person is - has flown off in his or her private plane. They're at a beach now where you don't get the radio.

SAGAL: Really?

BLOUNT JR.: Yeah.

GROSZ: That is a very quick purchase of a private plane.

SAGAL: I was about to say because they...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I believe they won it on Tuesday night.

BLOUNT JR.: Yeah. Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, Tuesday - win it. Wednesday - private plane. Thursday - beach.

GROSZ: (Laughter).

POUNDSTONE: No, what they had done is they already - they had a good feeling, so they...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...Had already gone to the airplane store.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: And they said, look.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I don't have it right now, but on Tuesday...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...I should have over a billion dollars.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I - how - I don't know how the lottery works. How come - how do they - how does the pot build up, and how do they decide, like, when they go, no, we're picking it now?

SAGAL: Well, it's a lottery that they - the more people buy tickets, the bigger the pot comes. And if nobody wins it on a given week, they just roll over all the money, so the pot gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.

POUNDSTONE: So they pick each week?

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

GROSZ: Twice a week.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, they pick twice a week?

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

GROSZ: Nobody won.

POUNDSTONE: Nobody won.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Picture, like, a big pile of money. It's, like, $1 goes in.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

GROSZ: Then another dollar goes in. And then that happens 1.6 billion times.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: Did you guys buy any tickets?

GROSZ: I did. My son forced me to buy several tickets because he thought it was, like, very possible.

SAGAL: Yeah, sure.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: I bought my ticket, and then I went straight to an airplane store, and I said...

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR.: Now you're stuck with an airplane.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. No, I did that once.

GROSZ: They were, like, we don't have any left. The other guy came, and he took our...

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: ...One airplane.

SAGAL: Jasmine, here is your last quote. And it's about somebody who got let go by NBC this week.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Who could have seen this coming...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Except for anyone who knew anything about her career?

SAGAL: That was...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...The New York Times' James Poniewozik asking the tough question after NBC announced it was letting go of whom?

HAEFNER: Megyn Kelly.

SAGAL: Megyn Kelly...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Yes.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: It was just last year that Megyn Kelly left Fox News, where she was known as a fierce interviewer with a strong personality who was only occasionally racist.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And she joined NBC, where they hoped that maybe she would dial it down to never racist. But no. This week, she casually commented that she didn't see anything wrong with white people putting on blackface for Halloween because they're trying to be accurate. And, as we all know, accuracy is the most important aspect of your Halloween costume.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No sexy nurses without at least a bachelor of science in nursing and...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...A master's in sexiness.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I think also, like, she definitely knew what she was saying because she said it and then couched it with, like, or black people wearing whiteface.

SAGAL: Yes.

GROSZ: Like, that is a problem that has, like, gone...

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: ...Like, spoken about as something for years.

SAGAL: Yeah. She's being removed from the air, but due to her contract, she'll still be paid $69 million.

POUNDSTONE: Whoa.

SAGAL: So now there are two ways to do nothing and get rich - win Mega Millions or go on NBC and give a shout-out to minstrelsy.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Wow...

SAGAL: That's, like...

POUNDSTONE: ...She gets $69 million?

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: What the hell have I been doing for the last 17 years?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. I mean, you have to feel a little bad for her because she, of course, alienated conservatives when - by leaving Fox News on bad terms with the president. And, of course, she's incensed liberals. What do you do if you're a broadcaster and nobody wants to hear from you? Megyn Kelly, congratulations on your new podcast.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Does Breitbart have a morning show?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: "The Morning Zoo With Adolf And Eva" - Is that what you mean?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Jasmine do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Three and 0 - she did very well.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Jasmine.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much. You've won our prize...

HAEFNER: Thank you.

SAGAL: ...The voice of anyone you like on your voicemail. Thanks for playing.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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