Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "I Can Tell A Lie," "I'm With Her?" and "Halloween Maize."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "I Can Tell A Lie," "I'm With Her?" and "Halloween Maize."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Take off those old clothes. Give them to Goodbill (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Good to be back in the Chase Auditorium. You know last week was our 20th anniversary. We were pretty happy about that. But as they say, it's the third decade where you really shine. So today might be the day we finally get it right. Later on, we're going to be talking to Kevin Kwan, the author of the best-selling book turned hit movie "Crazy Rich Asians." And we'll reminisce with him about the times when crazy rich people only ruined real estate prices and not everything.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first, it's your turn. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SEAN TELLER: Hi, how you doing, Peter?

SAGAL: I'm...

TELLER: I'm a big fan.

SAGAL: Well, thank you.

TELLER: My name is Sean.

SAGAL: Well, hi, Sean. Where are you calling from?

TELLER: I'm calling from Newburgh, N.Y., Peter, 60 miles north of New York City.

SAGAL: Oh, I know that area well. I've spent some time up there, like, around New Paltz and the Mohonk Mountain House.

TELLER: You know, I was stalking you right through that area.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I sensed a certain anonymous but polite menace.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sean, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian performing at Topgolf in Las Vegas, Nev., on November 23 and 24. It's Helen Hong.

HELEN HONG: Hi. Hi, Sean.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, the writer for WGN's "Man Of The People" who'll be headlining Zanies in Chicago November 19 and 20 and Good City Brewing in Milwaukee on November 28. It's Adam Burke.

ADAM BURKE: Hello, Sean. How are you?

TELLER: Hello, Adam.

BURKE: Hey, Sean.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally, it's a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of our special series of 20th anniversary bonus podcasts Wait Wait Naked and Ashamed. It's Faith Salie.

FAITH SALIE: Hello, Sean.

TELLER: Hello, my favorite.

SALIE: Oh, thanks.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Sean, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis of course is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, any voice from our show you may choose on your voicemail. You ready to play?

TELLER: Oh, I am ready.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KURTIS: When I can, I tell the truth.

SAGAL: That was someone...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Weirdly telling the truth to ABC News this week who tells the truth when he's able.

TELLER: President Donald J. Trump.

SAGAL: It would be.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It would be. There's only a few shopping days until the midterms. Everyone's going nuts. It's like Black Friday, but it's like all the trampling with none of the deals.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, for his part, as we approach the midterms, the president is doing whatever he can to rally his base. He's promising tax cuts, warning about invading hordes and sending troops to the border. He's throwing everything at the wall, but nothing is sticking 'cause he still hasn't built the wall.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The president keeps lying about this caravan of refugees from Honduras. He says it's full of criminals and it's an invasion. Somebody should tell him it's just the line for people coming to his next inauguration.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Just mentioning that there's no wall there just makes me think of him sending down, like, 15,000 mimes that could just pretend to mime...

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: ...Mime the wall to make him feel good.

HONG: So he holds some kind of press conference in which he's supposed to talk about policy, but he announces that if these menacing hordes come and throw rocks...

SAGAL: Yes.

HONG: ...At these 15,000 mimes he'll be sending down...

SAGAL: Right.

HONG: ...That they will be treated as if they are rifles.

SAGAL: Yes, 'cause he said the rock is the same as a rifle.

HONG: Right.

SALIE: What?

SAGAL: Which is why his hunting trips never went well.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: And I'm like, can we just - if people are going to be throwing rocks, can we just start by meeting them with paper and scissors? Can we start there?

BURKE: (Unintelligible) Funny. I also - I mean, it's not surprising really 'cause this president - the only Hispanic people he's aware of are baseball players. So he think everyone is throwing, like, 93 miles-an-hour....

SALIE: (Laughter) Let's get some heat on it.

BURKE: ...Fastball rocks. Yeah.

SAGAL: All right, Sean. Sean, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: I'd like to be president.

SAGAL: That was somebody saying for real that she might want to run for president again in 2020. Who?

TELLER: Mrs. Clinton.

SAGAL: Yes, Hillary Clinton.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HONG: Wow.

SAGAL: After losing an election to Donald Trump, losing an election to Donald Trump...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Secretary Clinton hinted this week she might want to lose to him again.

SALIE: Oh.

SAGAL: No need. We believe you can do it. We watched the first time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, but hearing this - her saying this, the DNC is like, yeah, they were right; we really should have locked her up. She...

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE: Oh.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #1: Boo.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: She was being interviewed, and she was asked if she would run for president again. And she said no. And the interviewer said, really? And she said, well, I'd like to be president. And she went on as to how much more qualified she would be for the job than Donald Trump. That's true. But anyone could say that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyone.

HONG: Literally.

SAGAL: If she did run, Hillary would have to go up against Elizabeth Warren, who's definitely running in 2020. By the way, Hillary also had a DNA test, and it turns out she's 100 percent really-should-not-run-for-president.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: You know, in Hollywood there's a - like, a loose term because of the failure of the movie "The Phantom Menace." Remember when "The Phantom Menace" came out...

SAGAL: Oh, yes.

HONG: ...And there was that horrible character Jar Jar Binks?

SALIE: Yeah.

SAGAL: No.

HONG: And there's now a term called, oh, you need someone to Jar Jar Binks you. And that means, like...

SAGAL: What does that mean?

HONG: It means, like, George Lucas didn't have anyone near him to say, you know what? This character is really pretty awful, and maybe you should pull it out of the movie. Hillary needs to get Jar Jar Binksed (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: She needs somebody near her to be like, girl, you need a different hobby.

BURKE: Or could I suggest some sort of presidential fantasy camp where she could go, like...

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: ...Once every six months, sign something, kiss some babies?

HONG: Stand in front of a podium.

BURKE: Yeah.

SALIE: I feel like we're living in a presidential fantasy camp.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

HONG: Dark fantasy.

SAGAL: You know, but this is interesting. While all that was going on - and by the way, her aides said, no, no, she doesn't really mean it; she's really not going to run. But you know who might - who actually is quietly putting together maybe a challenge to Donald Trump is Mitt Romney, who's going to be elected to the Senate next week. And so he's going to run in 2020 against the president. And it's - slogan is going to be, Mitt Romney - I don't look so bad now, do I?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BURKE: The thing is with Hillary, too, like, when she goes, oh, she was just joking - which is another great example of the fantastic Hillary Clinton comedic abilities...

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #2: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: 'Cause people are - 'cause she made another joke at one of these things where someone mixed up Eric Holder and Cory Booker. And Hillary said, well, they all look alike. And it's just one of the...

HONG: What?

BURKE: Hillary Clinton trying to tell jokes is like when a dog walks on its hind legs and tries to dance. I know you think you're doing it, but you're not doing it. You know what I mean?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Sean, here is your last quote. And your last quote is about Halloween.

KURTIS: If you have three pieces, it's not so bad. But most people don't do that.

SAGAL: Now, that was a nutritional expert saying that not only is it the worst-tasting Halloween candy, it's the worst for you. What is it?

TELLER: I would go with what is sticking on my forehead right now, a candy corn.

SAGAL: Candy corn, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: It's the weekend after Halloween. And by now you're probably down to the dregs of your stolen bag of candy, leaving only a couple of Bit-O-Honeys and some stray candy corns down there. That's the worst Halloween candy. Candy corn is made from corn syrup, orange and yellow food dye and the strange liquid that accumulates on bus seats.

(LAUGHTER)

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE: Oh.

HONG: Oh.

SALIE: What?

SAGAL: But it turns out not only does candy corn taste bad, it's actually the worst candy for you. It's all sugar of course, but since it comes in such small pieces, people tend to eat whole handfuls of it at once.

HONG: What?

SALIE: Well, this is the problem. First of all, Peter, can we give it some respect? I call it maize. I call it candy maize.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: This is a vegetable of a candy.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: It is meant to be nibbled with the narrow side first. And...

BURKE: Wait; are you giving a candy corn etiquette class right now?

SALIE: I am appalled by this. Candy corn is amazing.

HONG: What?

SALIE: And it's - yes.

HONG: Are you kidding me?

(APPLAUSE)

SALIE: Thank you. It has, like, notes to it. It has top note of vanilla...

HONG: Oh, my God.

SALIE: ...And a mouth - it has a little al dente, like...

HONG: Are you being paid off by candy corn...

BURKE: Yeah, I know. Yeah.

SALIE: No.

HONG: ...Lobby right now?

BURKE: She's in the pocket of small candy.

HONG: If I was an actual ear of corn, I would slap you right now.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I'd be so offended.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sean do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, he got them all right.

SAGAL: There you go. Congratulations, Sean. Thank you so much for playing.

(APPLAUSE)

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