Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Mezzzzages, Pig Out and Bug Buffet.
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Limericks

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Limericks

Limericks

Limericks

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Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Mezzzzages, Pig Out and Bug Buffet.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our first ever show in beautiful Savannah, Ga., on February 7. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MATTHEW SMITH: Hello. This is Matthew Smith. I'm from Los Angeles, Calif.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in LA?

SMITH: It's actually bright and sunny. And we're having a great time out here in the beachy spots.

SAGAL: That's great. What do you do there?

SMITH: I'm currently a master's student at California Institute of the Arts for jazz drum.

SAGAL: Oh, that's awesome. That's great.

SMITH: Yeah, I am in the recording studio right now, recording with all my friends, so it's pretty cool.

ROY BLOUNT JR: Are you are you taping this now? Is this part of it? In which case, where's my end?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Matthew, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you right now three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play?

SMITH: Yes.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I wake up and feel so perplexed. Have my thumbs and my phone both been hexed? An emoji that snores and odd dream gifs galore. In my sleep, I've been sending a...

SMITH: Text.

SAGAL: Yes, text.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Sleepwalking...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Sleepwalking is tired and dull. Sleep-texting is wired and hot. It's the new unconscious activity. More and more people are sending messages they don't remember writing. Really, it's the only time answering no to - you up? - makes sense.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What text would you send when you are asleep? My pillow is so soft. Or I hope I don't have to pee soon.

BLOUNT JR: Lot of Zs maybe.

SAGAL: Yeah.

LUKE BURBANK: I wonder if somebody texting you while they're having a dream is as boring as them telling you about their dream when they're awake.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The only thing worse than hearing about a dream over breakfast is to get the play-by-play while it's happening.

BURBANK: Yeah.

SAGAL: Why is everyone from summer camp hanging out in my dad's office?

BURBANK: They have different faces, but I know who it is.

SAGAL: Yeah, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: While candy machines feel forsaken, our sweet, salty smell leaves kids shaken. We've filled our machine with pork-based cuisine and keep on restocking the...

SMITH: Oh, bacon.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes, bacon.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: That's it.

SAGAL: Ohio State's meat science program has installed a bacon vending machine...

HELEN HONG: Ew.

SAGAL: ...That dispenses full, cooked strips of bacon for only a dollar a piece. If you just put in a penny, you get just one Bac-O.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: This sounds disgusting. You know how greasy bacon gets everything? Can you imagine the inside of a vending machine?

SAGAL: Well, I think they're wrapped. It's not like...

HONG: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: That makes more sense.

SAGAL: It's not like those spiral, little holders, and there are, you know strips of bacon.

HONG: Yeah, that's what I envisioned. I envisioned like a...

SAGAL: (Imitating machine noises) And then the strip of bacon just sort of plops into the bottom.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: And it's just grease everywhere.

BLOUNT JR: Well, how do you wrap bacon?

SAGAL: Well, I don't know. We just need to go to Ohio State with...

BURBANK: Well, this is why there's a department of meat studies.

BLOUNT JR: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: As a mountain of garbage encroaches, we're testing out novel approaches. Turns out we've been blessed with six-legged pests. Let's feed all our trash to the...

SMITH: Roaches.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Roaches.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Somebody has finally solved - you'll be so happy to hear it - they finally solved the massive garbage problem in China. All they do is they pour millions of cockroaches over the garbage. Food waste is brought to this facility in the morning, and the cockroaches chew through 50 tons of food scraps during the day. Then, at night, they chew through your nightmares.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Yeah, you know what? I will be texting about that. Please help.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's outside - it's in Shandong province. And there is this waste-processing plant that has a billion cockroaches.

HONG: (Gasping).

SAGAL: For perspective, that's only half the number of cockroaches living in your kitchen.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Of course, people are concerned that the roaches might escape the plant, but do not worry - this is true - there's a moat.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Well, those are, back-to-back, some of the more upsetting stories I've heard on this show.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yeah - never sleeping again, thanks.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Matthew do on our quiz?

KURTIS: You know, Matthew did very, very well. You got 3 right out of 3, Matthew.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Matt.

SMITH: Thank you, guys. Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "ROACHES")

BOBBY JIMMY & THE CRITTERS: (Singing) Look at all these roaches around me every day. Need something strong to make them go away. Look at all these roaches...

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