Panel Questions Animal Water Sports, Dangerous Food
NPR logo

Panel Questions

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/682201275/682507177" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Panel Questions

Panel Questions

Panel Questions

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/682201275/682507177" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Animal Water Sports, Dangerous Food

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

So we are trying to change your opinion of 2018 before the cement sets. It wasn't all bad. We had some pretty good times around here.

BILL KURTIS: Here are some of our favorite questions we put to our panel over the years. We'll start with one asked by guest host Helen Hong.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

HELEN HONG: Adam, an outdoor restaurant in Australia whose patrons were being harassed by seagulls has solved the problem by giving them all what?

ADAM FELBER: Well, I have no idea, so I'm just going to randomly say water guns.

HONG: That is true.

FELBER: I knew that one.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HONG: That is correct.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Super Soakers - can you believe this? The 3Sheets restaurant - as in three sheets to the wind, guys - in Perth was facing an unusually bad seagull problem this spring, so as a last-ditch effort, they addressed the issue by arming every table with Super Soakers. It was much better than their first idea - serving Buffalo-style seagull wings.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I'd pay $10 to watch people shoot seagulls without any food.

FELBER: Yeah, I know. That sounds like a great - I would go to 3Sheets.

HONG: Doesn't it sound fun?

FELBER: Yeah. Absolutely.

HONG: Like a videogame come to life.

FELBER: Yeah.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: You know, we had racoons in our mulch pile for a while.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And...

FELBER: This sounds related.

POUNDSTONE: So...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: So I went out with a Super Soaker one night, and they - and it was like a clown car. There were, like, there were just these - got to be five big, old raccoons in my mulch pile, and they all came lumbering out. And they waddle down the street pretty quickly. And I'm, like, there. Took care of that, you know? And then, the next night, I look out, and there they are again. This time, I took out water balloons, and I pelted them with water balloons. And now, like, eight, 10 of them come out. You know, and they waddled down the street. And then I realized we're in the middle of a terrible, terrible heat wave. They must be going back to their buddies and going, you know, tomorrow night, she's going to have a water slide.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. I was providing an amusement park - a water world, if you will...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...For racoons. And in the same way, I'm not sure that just a little bit of water on your wings is going to put off a seagull. Don't they go in the ocean?

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: If you're...

FELBER: It's like an animal show and a little bit a Gallagher mixed in.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. I don't know. I question the food there - that nobody notices, oh, my gosh. My fries are soaked.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I suppose, like, drinks - yeah, these drinks are really watered down.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

SAGAL: Maeve, research out this week by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission shows that thousands of Americans had to go to the hospital in 2017 because of injuries caused by what?

MAEVE HIGGINS: Oh, waiting so long on the phone for their medical insurance?

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Thousands have to go - oh, so did they - oh, taking a selfie, they fell into the grand canal...

SAGAL: That...

HIGGINS: ...Or the Grand Canyon.

SAGAL: The Grand Canyon - that...

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Thank you. Someone in the audience is, like...

SAGAL: You're a stranger to these parts, are you not?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, it turns out - I mean, the danger of this - we didn't know. It turns out you really should not combine pineapple and pepperoni.

HIGGINS: What?

HONG: What?

HIGGINS: Because the pizza man will hit - punch you in the face.

SAGAL: Well...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You've actually said it. The danger comes from what?

HIGGINS: Pizza.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The answer is pizza.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Seventeen hundred - I'm sorry, I take that back. Twenty-three hundred people in 2017 in America went to the emergency room because of pizza-related injuries.

HONG: I believe it.

SAGAL: You do?

HONG: I believe it. I have been scalded very badly by a piping-hot pizza.

SAGAL: That could be it.

HIGGINS: I've been scolded very badly...

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Don't you dare. Not again.

SAGAL: As you say...

HIGGINS: You're on your own. This is a family-size pizza.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, you guessed right, Helen. Most of the injuries are you - things you would expect - burns from the hot sauce and cheese, cuts trying to cut it, choking on that little, miniature, plastic table they give you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Other injuries are kind of embarrassing. This is true. One of the things that puts people in the emergency room is people reaching for a slice of pizza while they're in bed and falling out and hurting themselves.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: No.

SAGAL: So be careful with your pizza, America. And remember - if the ambulance doesn't get you to the ER in 30 minutes or less, you die.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: I wonder if, like, here in Chicago - because isn't there, like, the deep dish?

SAGAL: There is.

HIGGINS: Like, has there ever been, like, an infant lost in...

SAGAL: It's possible.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Not a bad way to go but embarrassing for the parents.

SAGAL: I think so. Helen, a big scandal at the U.S. Open this week. Many are saying a woman should be shunned, shamed or even sent to jail after being spotted on the television broadcast of the match doing what?

HONG: She was - can I have a hint?

SAGAL: Well, some people like barbecue sauce, some people like it sweet and sour.

HONG: She was eating chicken nuggets.

SAGAL: Well, she was, but what was she doing with them?

HONG: That sounds really lewd.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: She was not eating chicken nuggets...

SAGAL: She was eating chicken fingers. You're right.

HONG: OK.

SAGAL: But it's what she was doing with them prior to eating them...

HONG: She was dipping them in both barbecue sauce and...

SAGAL: No.

HONG: She was dipping them and then throwing them in the air and then...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: ...Catching them in her mouth like popcorn? She was throwing them at the players?

SAGAL: She was - you're never going to guess, but I just enjoy you trying...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I - it's - I can't...

HIGGINS: But that's how unexpected it was, I think.

SAGAL: I know. Maeve, do you know?

HIGGINS: Yeah. I saw it. She was dipping them in Coke.

SAGAL: Yes.

HIGGINS: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HONG: What?

SAGAL: She was - I know. You're shocked, aren't you, Helen? You never would have thought of that.

HONG: That's even more lewd than what I was thinking.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: And...

SAGAL: This woman was seen dipping her chicken fingers in Coca-Cola...

HONG: No.

SAGAL: ...And then eating them.

HONG: No.

SAGAL: Yes. No, no, that's insane. You don't - you can't do that. You have to - if you want to be healthy, dip them in Diet Coke.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: What?

SAGAL: Tennis fans were aghast at the spectacle, with one claiming, I almost made a noise.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: But I just think - you know, that poor lady - she was eating the way like we eat when we think we're alone.

SAGAL: Yeah.

HIGGINS: And, like...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yeah.

ADAM BURKE: And 4.

HIGGINS: And 4 years old.

HONG: Yeah.

HIGGINS: And I just - I really felt for her because she didn't know she was on camera.

HONG: Right.

SAGAL: And this is hilarious because, of course, this woman became...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...A celebrity. And she was interviewed, and it turns out she was there with her nephew's children. And she turned to them - this is true. Before she started dipping the chicken fingers into the Coke and was caught on live TV, she turned to them, and she said, don't tell anyone about this.

HIGGINS: Oh, no.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Wow.

HIGGINS: I mean, it did remind me of something that I do when I'm, like, trying not to overeat. I pretend that Michael Fassbender is watching me.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: And then you just start stripping.

SAGAL: Why Michael Fassbender specifically?

HIGGINS: Because I'm, like...

HONG: He's a babe.

HIGGINS: He's so hot.

HONG: He's the hottest.

HIGGINS: So I'm just, like, oh, no more M&M's for me.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: I, like, push them away like a lady.

HONG: Is that your Michael Fassbender voice?

HIGGINS: No. That's my voice.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's, like, you're sitting there...

HONG: But is that the voice that you will use when you...

HIGGINS: Yeah, it is.

HONG: ...Finally meet Michael Fassbender? You're, like, oh, no.

HIGGINS: Hello, Michael.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: You sound like Julia Child.

HIGGINS: Make yourself comfortable.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Do you want some pizza?

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Be careful now. It's at the side of the bed.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: You'll have to reach across me.

(LAUGHTER)

Copyright © 2019 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.