Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Hitting A Wall Decision," "Prime Bachelor" and "The Whizzing World of Harry Potter."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Hitting A Wall Decision," "Prime Bachelor" and "The Whizzing World of Harry Potter."

CHIOKE I'ANSON: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Filling in for the legendary Bill Kurtis, I'm one of the legendary voices of the NPR credits - Chioke I'Anson. And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Chioke.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thank you all so much. We do have a wonderful show for you today to start the year. Later on, we're going to be talking to Mike D'Antoni, the coach of the Houston Rockets of the NBA. But first, as you have figured out, Bill Kurtis is taking the week off. To maintain that basso profundo, he has to rest his voice once every 40 years.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And so we are delighted to welcome Chioke I'Anson to the judge and scorekeeper seat. You may know him as the guy who voices NPR's funding credits like so.

I'ANSON: Support for NPR comes from NPR stations...

(LAUGHTER)

I'ANSON: And support for Peter Sagal's thighs come from Spanx.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You'll also pick up how we do things here pretty quickly if you give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CAITLYN OWENS: Hi. I'm Caitlyn from Birmingham, Ala.

SAGAL: Well, hello, Caitlyn. How are you?

OWENS: I'm quite well, actually. Thank you.

SAGAL: I'm glad to hear it. You don't sound like you're from Birmingham. Am I right?

OWENS: Yeah. No, I'm from, actually, Pensacola, Fla.

SAGAL: Pensacola. And how did you arrive in Birmingham, which isn't that far?

OWENS: Oh, yeah - long journey, let's just say. I, about eight years ago, just popped up.

SAGAL: Yeah, it just happens.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Popped up?

(LAUGHTER)

OWENS: It really just happened.

LUKE BURBANK: Were you kidnapped?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Tough night in a bar - you wake up in Birmingham. Sometimes, it's easier to stay.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Caitlyn, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a feature reporter for the Style section of The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Happy New Year.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And next, it's the host of the confessional podcast TBTL and of the public radio variety show Live Wire, which will be at The Triple Door in Seattle on February 16. It's Luke Burbank.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And a comedian performing in Houston, Texas, next week, January 18 at the Wortham Center and host of the new weekly podcast Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone. It's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Caitlyn, welcome to the show. You are going to start us off our first show of 2019 the same way all the other years started. But this time, we're calling it Who's Chioke This Time. Chioke I'Anson, filling in for Bill, is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to go?

OWENS: Let's do this.

SAGAL: Your first quote is, of course, from the president of these United States.

I'ANSON: I may do it. Probably, I will do it. I would almost say definitely.

SAGAL: The president was expressing his stern, unshakable resolve to declare a national emergency so he can do what?

OWENS: Oh, I don't know - maybe build that wall.

SAGAL: Yes, build that wall.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Build that wall. All week...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...President Trump hinted he might declare a national emergency to get the money for his wall. Maybe - he's not sure. The whole point of an emergency is that it's fairly obvious you need to do something about it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Nobody stands in front of a house on fire for three days. Might be an emergency. I don't know. It looks pretty burny (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Basically, Trump declares an emergency only when he wants something, and he can't get it any other way. Like, oh, no, the White House kitchen is out of Coke - emergency. Oh, no, my wife turned 30.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Speaking of the White House kitchen being out of Coke, did you see how much he was sniffing during the TV address?

SAGAL: There was...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The TV address was a little weird but not nearly as weird as Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi seemed to be...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Giving the response, the two of them crammed together behind a single podium. First, Pelosi spoke, and Schumer just stared at us...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Silent, unblinking, as if the muscles controlling his eyelids were also furloughed from the government.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They stood there and stared at us, looking like the owners of that old motel where all the guests keep disappearing. But have you seen their wax museum down in the basement?

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: No, no. This was a shoutout - a very nuanced shoutout to "American Gothic," OK? The only thing that was missing was the pitchfork.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: It had a very, we're not mad at you - we're disappointed in you....

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: ...Vibe.

SAGAL: Yeah. Caitlyn, your next quote is a bit of an understatement about somebody who announced that he was about to become single this week.

I'ANSON: He's a catch. He's not a loser.

SAGAL: That was famous matchmaker Patti Stanger's assessment of the newest eligible bachelor in the scene. What rich man announced his divorce this week?

OWENS: Oh, that shiny, bald man...

SAGAL: Yeah.

OWENS: ...(Unintelligible).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, yes, but I don't know what...

POUNDSTONE: No, he...

SAGAL: ...Him being bald and shiny has to do with it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Jeff Bezos, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The richest man in the world announced he was splitting from his wife. Can you imagine how obnoxious you have to be when somebody doesn't want to be married to you even though you're worth more than a hundred billion dollars?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In their statement, Mr. and Mrs. Bezos say they're parting as friends and that even if they knew that it would end in divorce 25 years ago, they would still have gotten married. That's very sweet. It is. Jeff Bezos, of course, credits his wife for all the love and support he received over the decades. And MacKenzie Bezos ended up with $65 billion.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, which means she can go to Whole Foods twice.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Doesn't she get some kind of a discount since she owns it?

POUNDSTONE: No, I don't think he allows that.

SAGAL: Now, this announcement seems to have come out of nowhere. But then the National Enquirer unveiled this investigative report. They said they've been following Bezos around for six months. They found out he was having an affair. They even found love notes he wrote to his girlfriend. Hey, since you looked at my face, you might also like what's in my pants.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He owns Amazon, you see, so...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Oh, I see.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Enquirer actually did reveal the actual texts he allegedly sent to his mistress, and they were a little odd. Chioke, can you read a couple? These are all real.

I'ANSON: I want to smell you.

(LAUGHTER)

I'ANSON: I will show you with my body and my lips and my eyes very soon. I love you, alive girl.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

BURBANK: It's alive girl that really gets you.

SAGAL: Yeah, it really does.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You can see why he was so entranced by her. She's alive.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Did he write those, or did he just say, Alexa, send some sexts?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: No, they have that thing on email now. It's just horrible, where you get an email, and then it gives you these replies.

SAGAL: Responses, yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, like sure or, you know...

SAGAL: That's great.

POUNDSTONE: ...I think that's - yeah.

SAGAL: See you then.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: I love you, alive girl.

BURBANK: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Right, exactly. Yeah.

SAGAL: Wouldn't it be weird, though? I mean, I don't know what'll happen with his current, I guess, girlfriend. But if he ends up dating as the richest person in the world, wouldn't that be awkward? You know, I mean...

ROBERTS: Because dating is so smooth otherwise.

SAGAL: No, I mean...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I mean, how do you make sure that people are just interested in you and not in your billions of dollars?

POUNDSTONE: Split the bill.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: You know, as somebody who lives on a public radio salary...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: ...People liking you for you is overrated.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Bring it on, people who are wanting to come out after me for my billions.

ROBERTS: Is this the challenge you want?

BURBANK: Absolutely.

SAGAL: All right, Caitlyn. Your last quote is from the world of literature - a revelation we heard about just this week.

I'ANSON: We need to talk about wizard poop.

SAGAL: That was a headline...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was a headline from Jezebel commenting on the recent and shocking revelation about what literary universe?

OWENS: Oh, wizards - oh, "Harry Potter."

SAGAL: Yes, "Harry Potter."

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This was all the rage...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...In literary circles. So J.K. Rowling, the author of the "Harry Potter" novels, occasionally writes more about them in various forums, including this website Pottermore. And she wrote this essay and mentioned in passing - just in the way that you do - that it wasn't until modern times that the wizards in her books installed bathrooms at Hogwarts because, you see, quote, "hitherto, they simply relieved themselves wherever they stood and vanished the evidence," unquote.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is how Dumpledore (ph) got his name. So...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She may - we don't know. Ms. Rowling can be sly. She might have meant this as a joke. But people went nuts - especially parents who had bought their kids wizard costumes that were dry clean only.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: That's really a gross idea, come to think of it.

SAGAL: It is a gross idea. Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: You'd still want to go someplace privately, I think, too.

SAGAL: Well, she says - well, that...

POUNDSTONE: I just hate the idea of Hermione just in class...

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Don't you think there's a certain sort of too-much-information quality to this?

SAGAL: Yes.

ROBERTS: I mean, does anybody need to know?

SAGAL: Well, it's almost as if - you know, because there's this insatiable hunger for more wizard stuff...

POUNDSTONE: Right. Yeah.

SAGAL: ...From Ms. Rowling, who has moved, in many ways, on to other things. And so maybe she's just, like, you want more information? Here you go.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I was just thinking, though, that wizards would never have to suffer impotence.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Because?

SAGAL: Because...

BURBANK: If we don't ask that question, she'll never answer it.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: That's one strategy.

SAGAL: No, I have to.

ROBERTS: No...

SAGAL: I have to. I have to do it.

ROBERTS: No, I...

SAGAL: Paula, why...

ROBERTS: I need to know.

SAGAL: Why is that, Paula?

ROBERTS: Magic wands?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes.

POUNDSTONE: Yes.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, you know - Lifto (ph) [expletive].

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Chioke, how did Caitlyn do on our quiz?

I'ANSON: Wingardium Leviosa.

POUNDSTONE: Thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

I'ANSON: Caitlyn got three right, making her a winner.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Caitlyn.

(APPLAUSE)

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