Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "A Constitutional Kerfuffle," "Breh-roh" and "Sparking Joy."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "A Constitutional Kerfuffle," "Breh-roh" and "Sparking Joy."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Sorry, Mitch McConnell. Nobody blocks this Bill...

(CHEERING)

KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. It's great to be with you. We have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Conan O'Brien, the late-night host who has been towering over the competition since the mid-'90s. But first, something happened last week that hasn't happened in almost five years. And that is Bill Kurtis missed a show. We don't know where he was.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, where did you go, and why are you back so soon?

KURTIS: Bad news, Peter - I was already kicked off "The Bachelor."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We don't have a rose for you. We have something better - the voice of anyone you might like on your voicemail - so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SAM CERVANTES: Hi, how're you doing?

SAGAL: I'm doing fine. Who's this?

CERVANTES: This is Sam from Yuma, Ariz.

SAGAL: Yuma - how are things in Yuma?

CERVANTES: Well, they're not quite as cold where you guys are.

SAGAL: That's absolutely true. What do you do in Yuma?

CERVANTES: I am a range scheduler for the Marine Corps air station down here.

SAGAL: What is a range - what did you say your job was?

CERVANTES: Range scheduler. We manage the training areas that the Marines and other agencies use to conduct our training for real-world situations.

SAGAL: Right. And that's an important job because if you mess up the schedule, guys will go out and start fighting each other.

(LAUGHTER)

CERVANTES: Or flying into each other, yes.

SAGAL: That would both be bad - both be bad. I'm glad you're on the job, then. Well, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week, Sam. First up, it's a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of the brand-new podcast "Mobituaries," which you can find anywhere you get your podcasts. It's Mo Rocca.

(APPLAUSE)

CERVANTES: Hey, Mo.

MO ROCCA: Hi, Sam.

SAGAL: Next, it's a comedian and host of the trivia podcast "Go Fact Yourself" on the Maximum Fun network. It's Helen Hong.

(APPLAUSE)

HELEN HONG: Hi. Hi, Sam.

CERVANTES: Hi, Helen.

SAGAL: Finally, it's a comedian who will be at the KAABOO festival in Grand Cayman on February 16, if you happen to be there. It's Alonzo Bodden.

(APPLAUSE)

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, Sam.

CERVANTES: Hello, Alonzo.

SAGAL: Sam, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, back with us, is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, as I'm sure you know, is to correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you will win our prize - the voice of anyone you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

CERVANTES: I'm as ready as I'm going to be.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is from a letter sent by the president this week.

KURTIS: "Obviously, if you would like to make your journey by flying commercial, that would certainly be your prerogative."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was a letter from President Trump telling someone he was canceling her trip overseas. Sorry. Whose trip?

CERVANTES: Nancy Pelosi.

SAGAL: Yes, Speaker Pelosi.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Just when we thought things couldn't get any nastier in Washington, the beef between the president and the speaker of the House went from a constitutional confrontation to Real Housewives of Pennsylvania Avenue.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: First, Speaker Pelosi let the president know that with the government shut down, maybe he shouldn't deliver the State of the Union address as scheduled. It was the political equivalent of, thanks for asking me out, but I'll be washing my hair every night until the sun explodes.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Is it a little romantic, though? It's like - I don't know, it's a little bit like Tracy and Hepburn...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: ...The way the two of them are going at each other.

HONG: It's nothing like Tracy and Hepburn.

SAGAL: It really is...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: It's literally nothing like Tracy and Hepburn.

(CROSSTALK)

ROCCA: It's the Washington version.

HONG: Those people had charm and charisma...

SAGAL: No, really...

HONG: ...And likability.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: As I said, it's the opposite of Tracy and Hepburn.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Well, it would be fun, except it's real.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: This is the president and the speaker of the House having a little spat that's affecting - you know what I mean?

ROCCA: Right.

BODDEN: It's like it's a real thing. Like, I fly all the time, and there are certain TSA employees that have this kind of, like, angry, old-school grandmother vibe.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: We need to send her to the White House...

SAGAL: That's probably true.

(APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: ...Just to smack somebody.

SAGAL: I do.

BODDEN: Say, all right...

HONG: Yeah...

BODDEN: That's enough. I'm getting paid. Nobody...

HONG: She's not getting paid.

SAGAL: Yeah. So...

BODDEN: She'll be getting paid, gentlemen.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: When she leaves, she'll be getting paid.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: Trust me on that.

SAGAL: Well, we have to mention only because we thought this was going to be the craziest thing that happened this week - the dinner that President Trump threw for the Clemson Tigers football team.

ROCCA: Oh, my God.

SAGAL: You may remember this. It was a year ago on Monday.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: As you know - or as President Trump told us - because the government shutdown closed the White House mess, he, out of the goodness of his own heart, decided to pay for dinner himself. So he made this amazing, wonderful fast food feast. And the Washington Post in careful analysis decided it cost him about $3,000. That's half his net worth.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Although he didn't say...

BODDEN: It's OK, Peter. His dad paid for it.

SAGAL: It's true - probably.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Listen. I don't want to disparage fast food because I think a McDonald's french fry - a hot, fresh McDonald's french fry is a revelation. But, like, a four-hour-old McDonald's french fry - I tried to offer that once to a foster dog, and he was, like, just take me back to the pound, lady.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, it's entirely possible, by the way, that this whole thing was a scam. He just ordered it for himself, and he got caught. And he's, like, oh, yeah. It's for the football team.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Your next quote is from the floor of the house of Parliament in the United Kingdom this week.

KURTIS: Order, order, order.

SAGAL: That was just a little of the chaos that reigned in London as British politicians voted against the plan to do what?

CERVANTES: That would be exit - Brexit.

SAGAL: Yes, Brexit. Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Brexit is...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...Happening, but it's not happening. And it's going to happen, and it's going to be terrible. All right. It's incredibly complicated. Imagine it this way. You have a mommy and a daddy who love each other very much, but they decide they'd like to live apart. And then daddy sets himself on fire.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Britain is, like, blowing up. They're destroying their own economy. They can't figure out how to do it. They can't figure out how not to do it. They're in crisis. They all hate each other. It's a disaster. But, on the other hand, it's kind of sweet that the U.S. and the United Kingdom are going through horrible times together. We've been allies for 200 years, and now we're all falling apart. It's like, you know, when women hang out a lot, and their cycles coordinate. You know, it's like that.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: It really is, though, like you said, Peter. Who would have guessed that the United States and Britain would get into a who's worse contest?

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: You know, like, oh, you think your leader's bad? Oh, yeah? Well, watch out. Well, we don't even want ours. Well, we never wanted ours.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I mean, this is - it is incredible what's going on. I wonder if they've talked to each other and been, like, well, Trump would be, like, you know, I'm winning. They hate me more. They hate me tremendously.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes.

BODDEN: It's the most hate anyone's ever had in history.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: So, you know, can I say - I actually - I've got it now. I think that Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi are like Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd in "Moonlighting."

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Let it go, Mo.

SAGAL: In what way?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Let it go, Mo.

ROCCA: OK. They're like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?"

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'll give you maybe Boris and Natasha. That's it.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yes.

ROCCA: Sid and Nancy.

SAGAL: Sid and Nancy. All right. We've got one more quote for you. Here it is.

KURTIS: I'd like to tidy up the entire planet.

SAGAL: That's a quote from the host of a new Netflix show that has everybody throwing everything out. Who is it?

CERVANTES: Oh, my gosh. I know the name of the - I've seen commercials for it, but I cannot remember that - the name.

ROCCA: Oh, OK. So think last name - it's not a co-op.

CERVANTES: Yeah.

ROCCA: OK. And her - OK, like, so last name Antoinette, first name...

CERVANTES: Marie.

HONG: Yes.

ROCCA: OK. Yeah. OK, and last name, it's...

BODDEN: If you buy an apartment, it's...

HONG: You're not buying a house.

ROCCA: You're not buying a...

CERVANTES: (Unintelligible) Rent - Marie Rent.

SAGAL: Yeah. Yeah. It's...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Sure.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: It's Marie Kondo. You bet. You knew who it was....

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...The author of the book "The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying Up." Marie Kondo - if you haven't seen her, she's this tiny, constantly smiling Japanese woman who says you should get rid of any possession that doesn't spark joy. And what does that mean? She likens this feeling to what happens when you hold a puppy. So listen, puppies of America...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Listen.

SAGAL: Stay on top of the game because one more accident, we're lovingly placing you in a dumpster.

ROCCA: But listen. Listen.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: This woman is a cult leader...

HONG: She is.

ROCCA: ...OK? She - the whole sparks of joy thing - that goes for your family members, for your spouses. It's true.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Right. How many spouses are being dropped off...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...At the Salvation Army? Just, like, I'm not getting the puppy feel.

SAGAL: Really?

ROCCA: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She has this weird sort of theory of emotional relationships to your possessions. For example - and this is true - when you decide to throw something out because it no longer sparks joy, you have to thank it for its service to you. You say, for example, thank you, dress, for making me feel pretty at the prom. And thank you for letting me know how fat I am today.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Peter, I hate to say this, but this is why black people laugh at white people.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: You watch a TV show, and it's, like, yeah, I'm going to throw away everything I have. Trust me, black people are, like, throw it over here.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: That Mercedes is not sparking joy.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BODDEN: You know what I mean? Like, you guys need to stop.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sam do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He worked so hard on number three, but he was already a winner with two out of three. Sam, good going.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations. Thank you, Sam.

CERVANTES: Thank you. Take care.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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