Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Colder Than Hell, Michigan;" Wee Wee and WiFi 2020" and "Who's Watching?"
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Colder Than Hell, Michigan;" Wee Wee and WiFi 2020" and "Who's Watching?"

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm legendarily cold anchorman Brrr K-k-k-kurtis (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Great show for you today. Later on, we're gonna be talking to the actor Richard E. Grant, recently nominated for an Oscar. But first, we are coming to you as we normally do - from Chicago, where the weather has been somewhat brisk.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And a lot of businesses closed, and certain shows canceled performances, including "Hamilton" - that wuss.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But not us - not us. Here we are because the show must go on.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And because we really need about 500 people to huddle around us onstage to keep us warm.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We hope you have somebody to snuggle with. But reach out a hand and give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CLAIRE CONSIDINE: Hi. This is Claire from New Orleans, La.

SAGAL: Oh, Claire in New Orleans, just tell me what the weather is like there. But speak slowly.

(LAUGHTER)

CONSIDINE: OK. I'm going to say it in the Southern way, which I'm just going to complain about how it's a minor inconvenience that I have to wear a hoodie.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I really went from liking you to hating you so quickly.

(LAUGHTER)

CONSIDINE: That's the Southern way.

SAGAL: I know. Yeah. Passive aggressive - that's the culture. Well, welcome to the show, Claire. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the co-host of the broadcast "Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone." It's Adam Felber.

ADAM FELBER: Hello, Claire.

(APPLAUSE)

CONSIDINE: Hi.

SAGAL: Next, it's a contributing writer to The New York Times and the author of "Maeve In America." It's Maeve Higgins.

MAEVE HIGGINS: Hello.

SAGAL: And finally, an author and humorist who jumped out of the Vermont ice tray into the Chicago freezer, it's Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: Hello, Claire.

SAGAL: So Claire, welcome to the show. Of course, you're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three carefully curated quotations from the week's news. Your job - simply explain or identify two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize - the voice of anyone you might like on our show on your voicemail. You ready to play?

CONSIDINE: Yes.

SAGAL: Now, your first quote is from NBC News, and they are talking about the town of Hell, Mich.

KURTIS: Hell has frozen over.

SAGAL: Hell froze over this week due to what?

CONSIDINE: The polar vortex.

SAGAL: The polar vortex.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Temperatures reached 60 below in some places here in the Midwest. It is really cold here. Ask me how cold it is.

UNIDENTIFIED CROWD: How cold is it?

SAGAL: It's so cold Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel's remaining nine fingers snapped off.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's so cold.

BODETT: How cold is it?

SAGAL: It's so cold that career-oriented women in Chicago were freezing their eggs on the sidewalk.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's cold is what I'm telling you. It's how cold time.

FELBER: How cold is it? I know you have more there.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Everybody's talking about the danger from frostbite. That's not the danger. The danger is the burns from everybody doing that, you know, viral throw boiling water in the air thing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In Chicago - this is true - they set the train tracks on fire. They didn't need to. It's just something we like to do in Chicago.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Down in Indiana, the Noblesville Police Department announced that due to the cold, all crime, quote, "will be prohibited until further notice."

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Wow.

FELBER: You know, it took a few thousand years of civilization, but we finally cracked that...

SAGAL: I know. Tell them it's illegal. I know. Oh, I'm not supposed to do that? Well, put your hands back down, and here's your money.

BODETT: Right.

SAGAL: You guys, of course, just showed up today to do the show, so it must have been a lovely shock for you.

HIGGINS: I wasn't really following the news for the last week, which I'm just now realizing was maybe not a good idea.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: But it wasn't until I was sitting on the airplane, and the pilot over the intercom was, like, now we're - you're on flight blah blah to Chicago. I don't know why anyone would want to go there.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: And, like, everyone started laughing. But I was, like, that's so rude.

SAGAL: It really is.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: But I think he was - now I understand because when I got out of the airport, I was, like, oh my God. Oh, who's slapping me? Who's slapping me? But it's the...

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: It was just the weather.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know. It's...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I bet your pilot is, like, this is a terrible idea. Why are we doing this?

HIGGINS: He's...

SAGAL: It's not what you want to hear from your pilot.

HIGGINS: No. I know. And everyone was laughing, and I was kind of looking around, like, is this a prank show?

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: But it wasn't. It was just a flight to Chicago.

BODETT: Have you had your lips freeze to your upper teeth yet?

HIGGINS: No, this is my normal smile.

BODETT: Oh, wow.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: It's an Irish thing.

HIGGINS: I have a very disappointed schoolteacher mouth - just a tiny - tight-lipped kind of a...

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Yeah, so that's nothing to do with the climate.

FELBER: Or disappointment.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: If you vote for him, the machine reads his name back as Howbart Skulls.

SAGAL: That was somebody on Twitter commenting on the former CEO of what company's just announced presidential run?

CONSIDINE: Oh, Starbucks 2020.

SAGAL: Yeah. Starbucks.

CONSIDINE: Howard Schultz.

SAGAL: Yes, Howard Schultz.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: You know his name. That's great.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This week, former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz appeared on every network, including NPR, to announce his third-party run for president in 2020. More people interviewed him on national TV about running for president than would ever vote for him for president.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But, you know, his pitch makes sense. He'll run the country the same way he ran his company. For example, he'll build another White House directly across the street from the perfectly fine White House...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...We already have.

HIGGINS: I don't think he's being real about, like, what's good about Starbucks, which is he could just provide public toilets to everyone in America...

SAGAL: Yeah, it's true.

HIGGINS: ...Which is such a great thing.

SAGAL: He should stress that.

BODETT: A pot in every pot.

SAGAL: He should stress that.

HIGGINS: A pot in every pot (laughter).

BODETT: That and free Wi-Fi. He should...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: He could run on that alone.

HIGGINS: Definitely - wee-wee and Wi-Fi, 2020.

SAGAL: I mean, that should - he should try to make use of that association. You know, yes, Howard Schultz - just like Starbucks bathrooms. You don't really enjoy it, but sometimes you just need him.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Exactly (laughter).

BODETT: That's about the best slogan he could possibly have because, as you pointed out, his chances are not, shall we say, venti.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I have yet to meet a living, breathing human being who had said that they would consider voting for him.

HIGGINS: Well, it's because I think we don't recognize him. Like, I didn't know that he was, like, the Starbucks guy....

SAGAL: Yeah.

HIGGINS: ...Because when I think of Starbucks, I just think that mermaid on their cup.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: Yeah.

HIGGINS: So if she was running...

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

HIGGINS: ...Then I'd be interested.

SAGAL: All right. Here, Claire, is your last quote. It's about an issue somewhat more close to home for many of us.

KURTIS: I'm a broke college student, and my only source of entertainment is an account me and my mother share.

SAGAL: That guy was commenting on a news article about what company that could start busting people for sharing passwords?

CONSIDINE: Netflix.

SAGAL: Yes, Netflix.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: I know.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A chill ran through, didn't it? A new software package was debuted at the recent Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, and it basically rats out all the 35-year-olds who are still using their parents' Netflix passwords.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It does this - it's very clever - by simply identifying all 35-year-old people who watch Netflix.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Come on, Netflix. There are so few good things in life. Why do you want to take away our sponging? Besides, young people really need Netflix. Try inviting some hottie over to PBS All Access and chill.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: I - also, try introducing them as some hottie (laughter).

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well, I - you know, when I log into Netflix, all these things come up and say, who's watching? And it says Tom or Rita, my wife, or the boys, you know? So I guess because we all live together, that's all legal, right?

FELBER: Yeah. It's the household.

HIGGINS: You just have to be really careful if you are having an affair with someone, and that's, like, your main lure to them - that don't put them on your - you know, if it's, like, Tom, Rita, Sabrina....

BODETT: Right.

FELBER: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There's another reason why they shouldn't do this to us. A lot of people, the only contact they have with their parents is when they call them up every six weeks because they forgot the password again.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Don't ruin our family's Netflix.

Bill, how did Claire do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Claire did great. She did them all right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you. Claire, congratulations.

CONSIDINE: Thank you.

SAGAL: Take care. Bye-bye.

CONSIDINE: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET")

THE BEATLES: (Singing) Listen. Do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell? Oh, closer...

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