Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "The Art of the Squeal," "So Long, Long Island City!" "Get Shorty."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "The Art of the Squeal," "So Long, Long Island City!" "Get Shorty."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Roses are red, pickles are dill. My last name is Kurtis. My middle name's danger.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thanks, everybody. It's great to be with you. We have a wonderful show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Matt Smith. He is the actor famous for playing the Doctor on "Doctor Who," the cult favorite show of that name, and Prince Philip in the other cult favorite show, "The Crown." So he appeals to both nerds and super nerds, which is basically our demographic.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Give us a call with either your cell phone in the TARDIS case or your princess phone and play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SARAH BLAND: Hi. This is Sarah calling from Durham, N.C.

SAGAL: How are things in Durham?

BLAND: You know, going well - just rocking and rolling.

SAGAL: Rocking and rolling, as they always do in North Carolina. What do you do there?

BLAND: I am a student studying electrical and computer engineering and computer science.

SAGAL: Oh, wow. Now, they say that that's, like, a tough business for women because, basically, IT people and computer people are sexist jerks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just going to be blunt about it. Does that intimidate...

MAEVE HIGGINS: And women are so bad at computers.

SAGAL: I know.

LUKE BURBANK: I mean, that's definitely part of it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are you ready to deal with that - the whole bro culture?

BLAND: You know, I'm learning to deal with people of all different sorts and be the best team member that I can.

SAGAL: There you go.

ALONZO BODDEN: Good answer.

BLAND: ...Pretending that I care about sports.

SAGAL: There you are. Also useful.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show, Sarah. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's the host of the confessional podcast TBTL and the public radio variety show Live Wire, which will be at the Alberta Rose Theatre in Portland on February 21. It's Luke Burbank.

BURBANK: Hello, Sarah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, a comedian whose book "Maeve In America" is available wherever you find your books - it's Maeve Higgins.

HIGGINS: Hi, Sarah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And a comedian you can see at Tommy T's Comedy Club in Pleasanton, Calif., March 15 and the 16, Alonzo Bodden.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Sarah, welcome to the show. Of course, you're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course - explain or identify just two of them. Do that - you'll win our prize - the voice of your choice on your voicemail. With all that said, are you ready to start?

BLAND: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: Here we go. For your first quote, here is the president.

KURTIS: I can't say I'm happy.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I can't say I'm thrilled.

SAGAL: That was the president talking about a deal that he really, really doesn't like...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...But that he's going to sign anyway, the deal to do what?

BLAND: For border funding to avoid a government shutdown.

SAGAL: Exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: To keep the government open, avoid a shutdown.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Behold the art of the deal. It turns out it's the kind of art that makes you say, my kid could do that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So the Democrats offered - this is how it all played out. This is how a master negotiator works. The Democrats last year offered President Trump about $2 billion for border fencing. And the president said, no. I want $5 billion, and I'm going to shut down the government until you give it to me. So he did that, and now he's going to get about $1.4 billion.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He negotiates like he's in a limbo contest.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: How low can you go? The president is going to save face. He's going to save face by totally caving on the wall by declaring a national emergency. If you have an emergency, building a big, long cement wall is the slowest way to solve it...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Right? If you need border security, let's just send all those unvaccinated kids from Washington down there.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Nobody will go near them.

BURBANK: Thirty-seven hundred kids all named Finn...

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: ...And Hazel.

BODDEN: I hate to say it, Peter, but you may have just solved that problem.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

BODDEN: You're just kidding, but somebody's going to hear this and say, hey.

SAGAL: Hey.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: We've already got the cages.

(GROANING)

BODDEN: Yeah, I said it. I said it.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Have you noticed this - that the president, as it's become clearer and clearer that he's just not going to get this wall, has done this amazing thing. He simply started saying that he did. So, like, he told a rally - he said to the rally, don't say, build the wall. Say finish the wall because we're already building it. No, we're not.

BODDEN: I think you're right. I think what it is is his handlers, the people around him, just figured out, and they said, wait. Just tell him that we did build a wall...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...And put him back on executive time.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I mean, he's not going to know. He's never going to go check or anything.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: See, it's just, like, yeah, yeah. That wall? Oh, we finished that wall.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. And it's, like - and they're going to show...

BODDEN: We're working on the Canada wall now.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And they're going to show a - Mr. President, here are some pictures of your wonderful wall. And he'll say, that's great. It looks amazing. But why are all these Chinese people standing on it?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sarah, your next quote was from Twitter.

KURTIS: Maybe I had to get out of New York, too. I get it, man.

SAGAL: That was a man named Jake Flores (ph) commenting on what company that suddenly backed out on its plan to move to New York?

BLAND: Amazon.

SAGAL: Amazon...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Oh, it happens so often. Amazon came to New York with just a dream and $100 billion in its pocket. New York said, yeah, a bunch of you clowns get off of Port Authority every day. This is a city that will tolerate 3 billion rats and regularly sitting in pee in the subway, but Amazon - hell, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So it's tough, you know, because they were going to go to New York, and all of a sudden, New Yorkers got upset, and they backed out. It's been a tough week for Jeff Bezos. But at least when it comes to the Amazon-New York deal, that's something we can unsee.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So the deal looked solid. They were going to build this new headquarters in Queens. But New Yorkers were upset that the mayor and the governor gave Amazon these huge tax breaks and a helipad and the right for Jeff Bezos to kidnap any bride on her wedding night.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So local officials and union guys made such a fuss about it that Amazon said, fine. We'll take our ball, and we'll go home. Also, every Alexa in New York is now responding to requests - you know, like Alexa, what's the weather? - by saying, how would I know? I'm not there.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: What's going to be embarrassing is now that Jeff Bezos is going to have to, like, make a late-night call to Gary, Ind.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, that's the thing.

BURBANK: Hey, so you know how we had that whole dog and pony show where we made all the other cities try out to be the new headquarters?

SAGAL: Chattanooga, you up?

BURBANK: Yeah...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Right?

SAGAL: Sarah, here is your final quote.

KURTIS: It's a sentence of which there is no escape and no return.

SAGAL: That was a U.S. district attorney talking about the conviction of what drug lord this week?

BLAND: El Chapo.

SAGAL: El Chapo.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The most feared Mexican drug lord, head of the Sinaloa Cartel, was convicted of all counts of drug smuggling and general awfulness. He's now heading for life in prison. But he's known for his remarkable escapes, so this time, they are locking the door.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Checkmate.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It was an amazing trial. It was both a trial and a movie about a trial. El Chapo's mistress testified against him, saying in tears how much she loved him, while his wife watched from the courtroom. And his wife still stood by him the whole time. They even coordinated outfits. This is true. It's a tribute to the power of true love and billions of dollars in drug money.

BODDEN: I think if your mistress is testifying on your behalf...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: ...And your wife is sitting in the courtroom, you're, like, hey, Your Honor, can you lock me up for a while?

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There are those that mean - there - you know, the fact that he's going to jail for presumably the rest of his life seems just. But people say it won't make any difference because his whole business is going to be inherited, they say, by his twin sons, known as Los Chapitos.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Los Chapitos sounds silly, but it's no sillier than really El Chapo, which means Shorty. That's the most feared drug lord - Shorty. And that's silly because he's only 5'6'', and it's insulting and inaccurate because 5'6'' is well within the normal range.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Really.

BODDEN: Peter, I just love you doing height jokes on radio.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: People know. By the way - and this is absolutely true - that the American headquarters for El Chapo's syndicate, his old drug business, was Chicago. It's absolutely true. So are you listening, Amazon?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We have lots of experience in shipping and receiving - just saying.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sarah do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Sarah got us off to a great start with a perfect score. Thank you, Sarah.

SAGAL: Thank you for playing, Sarah.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "IN DA CLUB")

50 CENT: (Singing) Go, go, go, go, go, go Shorty. It's your birthday.

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