Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "College Fail," "Beto Late Than Never" and "Happy-dot-Birthday-dot-com."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "College Fail," "Beto Late Than Never" and "Happy-dot-Birthday-dot-com."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Stay classy, San Diego.

(CHEERING)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the San Diego Civic Theatre in San Diego, Calif., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. We're delighted to be here in San Diego, and we are lucky to be here two times over - first, because at the beginning of the week, the FAA decided not to ground any planes, so we were able to get here, and second, because then they decided to ground them after all, so now we never have to leave.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be talking to a man who was smart enough never to leave San Diego in the first place, even though he got rich and famous. That would be skateboarding legend Tony Hawk.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: But first, it's your turn to try your luck playing in our little park. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

TREY HUDSON: Hello. This is Trey from Atlanta.

SAGAL: Hey, Trey. How are things in Atlanta?

HUDSON: They are mild.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I see. What do you do there in Atlanta?

HUDSON: I am a wine and spirits consultant for retail and private collectors.

SAGAL: You're a wine and spirits consultant. So people say, is liquor good, and you're, like, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Trey. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian who hosts the celebrity trivia podcast "Go Fact Yourself" - he said carefully - on the Maximum Fun network. It's Helen Hong.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the host of the daily podcast "TBTL" and the public radio show "Live Wire," which will be at the Alberta Rose Theatre in Portland on March 28. It's Luke Burbank.

(APPLAUSE)

LUKE BURBANK: Hi there, Trey.

SAGAL: And The New York Times best-selling author of the memoir "You'll Grow Out Of It" and the voice of Jessi on the animated hit "Big Mouth" on Netflix - it's Jessi Klein.

JESSI KLEIN: Hello.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Trey, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, as I'm sure you'll know, you'll win the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

HUDSON: I am indeed ready, sir.

SAGAL: Here we go. Your first quote is from a young woman named Olivia Jade. She's a student at the University of Southern California.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And she's grateful for all the hard work it took for her to get there.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: It's so hard to try in school when you don't care anything about your learning.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It turns out that Olivia's very caring parents helped her get into that selective school by doing what?

HUDSON: The parents, I believe, paid for her (ph).

SAGAL: Yes. The parents paid massive bribes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: More than a dozen people, including Olivia's mother, Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman and other shallow, rich people who are not on TV...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Were indicted for paying tens of thousands of dollars in bribes to get their kids into elite colleges. Parents knew their kids were going to need assistance getting into USC when the kids said, Mom, Dad, I'd like to go to usk (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, these parents used all sorts of scams. They...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or rather, I should say, the people they bribed used all kinds of scams, including Photoshopping their kids' faces onto pictures of actual student athletes. These kids got athletic scholarships for sports they did not know how to play.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is why two freshman water polo players at Yale showed up to practice on horses.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: That should be the punishment for the universities - that the kids have to play the sports now.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Sorry, Yale - you're not winning at fencing this year.

(LAUGHTER)

HELEN HONG: I can't believe - this is such a perfect illustration of how different white people are than Asians...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: ...Because some of these parents went to great lengths to hide their bribery from their kids.

SAGAL: Yeah.

HONG: They didn't want their kids to know how truly dumb they were.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: That was the part that was the most shocking to me, was that some of the kids allegedly really didn't know...

SAGAL: Yeah.

KLEIN: ...That their parents were doing it. But then to find that out in such a public way the exact dollar amount of how dumb you are...

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: It's, like, you're $60,000 stupid.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Sixty thousand dollars stupid.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: You're criminally stupid.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: Your parents are going to jail because of how dumb you are.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Yeah - just the exact amount.

SAGAL: But - and they were so innocent of it. They were just walking around, typical college kids except for the fact they were failing every class, and everybody kept asking them to play lacrosse.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Other than that, I have to say that as I was reading about this, I - it struck me that my parents really did not go to bat for me enough as a kid.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Like, if somebody were to come to Walt and Susie Burbank (ph) and say, we can get Luke into Harvard, but it's going to be $48...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: ...They would have been, like, North Seattle Community College it is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Trey. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: I want to be in it. Man, I'm just born to be in it.

SAGAL: That was somebody who on Thursday embraced his destiny and announced he would be running for president after all. Who is it?

HUDSON: Beto. But I'm...

SAGAL: That's Beto. That's exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: You got it.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Beto O'Rourke, the Irishman who sounds like a Latino but looks like the teaching assistant you all had a crush on in freshman English...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Finally threw his hat into the ring, thus revealing his perfect hair and those thoughtful yet ambivalent eyes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Beto's announcement was marred somewhat because all anyone can talk about is - from his announcement video is his hands. He gesticulates like crazy. They're all over the place. When they swear him in as president, they're going to have to use a moving Bible.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: His wife is sitting next to him during the announcement, and it's like she's trying to ride a bronco, just holding onto him...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: ...Bobbing and weaving.

KLEIN: Is it really that crazy-looking? I haven't seen it yet.

HONG: I haven't seen it either. I just think it's funny that Beto lost the Senate race in Texas and then decided to run for president.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: It's kind of like if you ask out the prom queen on a date, and you get turned down and then decide to then run for president.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: It's a lot - it's a big leap.

SAGAL: Because the prom queen almost said yes.

HONG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yeah. The prom queen only turned you down by 3 percent.

SAGAL: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Were his sleeves rolled up in the video?

SAGAL: I'm not sure. Is that important to you?

HONG: Yeah.

KLEIN: I mean, I - yes.

HONG: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I'm with you. It's hot. It's hot.

KLEIN: It's - I feel - I didn't follow a ton on his Senate race. I mean, he seems very intelligent and likeable. And when I saw pictures of him with his sleeves rolled up, it spoke to me.

HONG: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, what's interesting....

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I mean, he literally was the last Democrat in America to say that yes, he's running for president. And yet, nonetheless, as soon as he did it, everybody went nuts. It was all the people in cable news could talk about - Beto this, Beto that. And it makes sense because he really is the Democratic dream candidate. He's smart. He's articulate, thoughtful, good looking. Yet he's someone who's never been sullied by anything like winning.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Trey, your last quote is a computer scientist named Tim Berners-Lee. He's reflecting on something he invented 30 years ago this very month.

KURTIS: Whoops.

SAGAL: So what did...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What did Mr. Berners-Lee invent that didn't quite turn out to be the boon to mankind that he hoped it would be?

HUDSON: I thought Al Gore invented the Internet, but no, it was him.

SAGAL: Yes. It was the Internet.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In March of 1989, we had a primitive Internet used only by scientists. But Tim Berners-Lee's idea was simple but brilliant. You look at a page of information on your computer. You click on one of the words that interests you, and it takes you to another computer that shows you pictures of naked people.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Can you guys even remember life before the World Wide Web?

KLEIN: Well, I'm that old, so yes.

SAGAL: Yeah. Yeah.

BURBANK: I had access to an Internet-connected computer because I was the front desk person at the University of Washington visitor information center...

KLEIN: Oh, a...

BURBANK: ...Not to brag. We had a computer that was hooked up to the Internet. And within five minutes of being on there, I had found that there were people making pictures of naked people but out of the icons on the keyboard.

SAGAL: ASCII - like, they were making ASCII porn.

HONG: What?

KLEIN: No.

SAGAL: ASCII is, like, pictures done with, like, letters and symbols.

KLEIN: Arrows.

HONG: Should we be concerned that you know that?

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Yeah, you really jumped to it, Peter.

SAGAL: I...

HONG: You knew that...

(CROSSTALK)

KLEIN: It's like you've been waiting for that your whole life.

SAGAL: That was some of my best work. In fact, you know the equals sign, equals sign, equals sign greater than? That's mine.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Trey do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He got three right. He is a winner.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Trey.

(APPLAUSE)

HUDSON: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Thank you so much. Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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