Panel Questions St. Louis schmear, borough burros; Fido on display.
NPR logo

Panel Questions

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/708224209/708359435" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Panel Questions

Panel Questions

Panel Questions

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/708224209/708359435" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

St. Louis schmear, borough burros; Fido on display.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. This week, we're playing with Paula Poundstone, Hari Kondabolu and Brian Babylon. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you so much, Bill. Thank you so much.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now that Pur-Rhyme (ph) is over, Bill begins fasting for Rymadan (ph) in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Hari, it is true that Americans are at each other's throats. But this week, the nation came together as one to condemn a guy for doing what wrong?

HARI KONDABOLU: Oh, is it tying their shoelaces wrong?

SAGAL: No.

KONDABOLU: Can I have a clue?

SAGAL: Yeah. It's like, this is ridiculous. Where do you put the schmear?

KONDABOLU: Oh, yeah.

SAGAL: Oh, now you remember.

KONDABOLU: Oh, man, yeah, for cutting bagels weird.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KONDABOLU: It was unholy.

SAGAL: I know. A thought criminal named Alek Krautmann posted a picture of what he said was a St. Louis secret, namely laying a bagel down on the table...

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: ...And cutting it into little slices like a loaf of bread. I'm sorry. Are there people who do that here?

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Excuse me. Get out.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: At long last, have you no decency?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is insane.

KONDABOLU: Like a cantaloupe?

SAGAL: No, yeah - like a cantaloupe? No. Like a slice of bread. You know, you take, like, a big loaf of bread and you slice, slice, slice, slice, slice, slice, slice. That's what they did to a bagel. You don't do that to a bagel.

BRIAN BABYLON: Is that to make it finger food?

SAGAL: Yeah. You slice a bagel sideways through the middle so you could put one half on your ring finger and say, look, I'm engaged, and it's going to be a Jewish wedding.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So the Internet responded to this with its normal restraint and by the time, it was over, Bob Mueller had his next crime to investigate.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: People from St. Louis - God bless them - tried to defend this practice, saying, you know, it makes convenient little slices to use for dipping in the traditional bagel topping in St. Louis - creamed ham.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: I think that it's OK however anybody wants to cut their bagel. It's OK.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, Paula, I know why you'd say that. And I think it speaks well of you that you feel that way. However, you're wrong.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Paula, most New Yorkers have had experiences with rats or roaches or pigeons, but for the last two weeks, New York City has been dealing with a bizarre infestation of what?

POUNDSTONE: Squirrels.

SAGAL: No. They've got that. That's not unusual.

POUNDSTONE: OK, what else could it be? It's a bizarre infestation. Give me a hint, Peter. Give me a hint.

SAGAL: Old MacDonald has been called in to help.

POUNDSTONE: Pigs. There have been pigs.

SAGAL: Actually, pigs are the only kind they haven't seen yet.

POUNDSTONE: There've been cows and ducks.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: There's been a quack quack here and a quack quack there.

SAGAL: I'll give it to you, though. It's basically farm animals.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

POUNDSTONE: Why are there farm animals in New York City, Peter?

SAGAL: Nobody knows, Paula.

POUNDSTONE: They just keep coming in?

SAGAL: Exactly right.

POUNDSTONE: It is the end of the world. That's what's happened.

SAGAL: All right. A couple of weeks ago, a lamb was spotted in Brooklyn on the Gowanus Expressway. A few days ago, a cow was found in the Major Deegan Expressway. If you're wondering why this is happening, these animals have places to go and the subway is totally unreliable these days.

POUNDSTONE: You know, I would not call - what was the first one? Was it a lamb?

SAGAL: There was a lamb. There was a cow. There was a goat in Bronx.

POUNDSTONE: I would not call a lamb, a cow and a goat an infestation.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: True, agreed.

SAGAL: Well, there's a lamb, a cow, a goat and another goat. How's that?

BABYLON: Well, you know...

POUNDSTONE: And they walked into a bar.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I think what's happening is people are having these farm fresh animals. Like, oh, this is this milk. It's right outside. And then they got sloppy, animal escaped.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

BABYLON: And that's what happens when you have these hipster restaurants move into your neighborhood.

SAGAL: Yeah, yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

BABYLON: That could be - I mean, that could be technically what happened.

(APPLAUSE)

KONDABOLU: Instead of farm to plate, it's backyard to plate.

BABYLON: Yeah. You know, it's like the cow, it's in the alley.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Or maybe it was because all these annoying Brooklyn hipsters are moving to farms upstate, and the farm animals are going, we got to get out of here.

(LAUGHTER)

KONDABOLU: But they literally - the animals got gentrified. I think that would be hilarious.

SAGAL: Hari, the bone museum of Queensland, Australia, is having a great year in terms of philanthropy. They've received four major donations from one family. The Robinson family has given them what?

KONDABOLU: Is it pinkie rings?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

KONDABOLU: I'm going to need a clue.

SAGAL: Unlike taxidermy, they can write it off their taxes. How's that?

KONDABOLU: Dogs.

SAGAL: Yes, their pets. They have donated all of their pets.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Here's what happened. First, the Robinson's 9-year-old's guinea pig died, and the family thought it would comfort the boy to know he could visit Caramel again just as soon as the museum's flesh-eating beetles were done chewing off its skin. Then, in a development we're deliberately choosing not to investigate further, the Robinson's cow, dog and other dog died in quick succession and were donated to the museum, which said it was happy to be able to help the family in their difficult time. It's a funny way to comfort someone. I'm so sorry about your grandma. Can I have her bones?

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: What is this museum? Is it just bones?

SAGAL: Yeah. It's called the Bone Museum.

BABYLON: And you just - they got just different bones from different stuff.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: OK. That's legit.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "PLEASE DON'T BURY ME")

JOHN PRINE: (Singing) Please don't bury me down in the cold, cold ground. No, I'd druther have them cut me up and pass me all around. Throw my brain in a hurricane and the blind can have my eyes. And the deaf can take both of my ears if they don't mind the size.

Copyright © 2019 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.