Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Hair Crimes and Misdemeanors," "Barr'd Report" and "Bad Romance."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Hair Crimes and Misdemeanors," "Barr'd Report" and "Bad Romance."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, EDM fans - get ready for Sbillex (ph). I'm Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us. We have a great show for you today because later, we're going to be talking to one of the legitimate legends of country music, Steve Earle. Now, Steve is not one of those pretty guys in a cowboy hat. No. He is the real deal. Among other things, he's been married seven times.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, you might call six divorces a sign of personal issues. In country music, they call that research.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We know you have problems too, but frankly, we don't want to hear about them. We just want you to call us and play our games, maybe win our prize - the voice of your choice on your voicemail. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MICHELLE NOLAN: Hi. This is Michelle Nolan, and I'm calling from Plymouth, N.H.

SAGAL: Plymouth, N.H. - we know that. Tell me what you do there in Plymouth.

NOLAN: I am a middle school teacher.

SAGAL: Oh, my gosh.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You are a braver woman than I could ever be because...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Middle school is truly hell. Is it not?

(LAUGHTER)

NOLAN: It's colorful.

SAGAL: Ah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Michelle, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a writer and performer you can see in the upcoming final season of "Veep." It's Peter Grosz.

PETER GROSZ: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

GROSZ: Welcome.

SAGAL: Next, it's a feature writer for the Style section of The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally, a serious man with serious things to say but none of them here, Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM BODETT: Hello, Michelle.

SAGAL: So, Michelle, you, of course, are going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain two of them. Do that, you will win our prize. You know what it is - the voice of your choice. Are you ready to play?

NOLAN: I am.

SAGAL: Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: He's just extremely flirtatious in a completely safe way.

SAGAL: Now...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was Mika Brzezinski defending a prominent Democrat who is being criticized for the way he lays his hands on the ladies.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who is it?

NOLAN: I believe it is Joe Biden.

SAGAL: It is Joe Biden.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Former Vice President Joe Biden, who is about to enter the presidential race, was hit with accusations that he's been weirdly creepy with women. This is not exactly man bites dog - more like man gives dog unwanted backrub.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, Nevada politician Lisa Flores (ph) came forward this last week to describe an incident five years ago in which Biden put his hand on her shoulders and she says, quote, "inhaled her hair."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He must have liked her brand of shampoo because he then, quote, "put a big, slow kiss on the back of her head," unquote. Now, one problem is that he's overly familiar. Another is that he doesn't know which side of the head is the kissing side.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Yeah, he's a little clumsy. It's kind of like Lennie from (laughter) "Of Mice And Men" or something.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No - yeah.

GROSZ: It's, like, pawing people in weird ways.

BODETT: I mean, that's...

SAGAL: Oh, my God. Is that what we're going to have to do to him?

GROSZ: (Laughter) Oh, no.

SAGAL: Think about the rabbits, Mr. Vice President.

GROSZ: Oh, no, Joe.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: I mean, I can see how that would be, you know, belittling. But, I mean, like, I do that to baby heads. I mean, I love - I'm a unembarrassed baby head sniffer. I...

GROSZ: Well, good luck...

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: ...Running for president.

BODETT: Well, I know, right?

GROSZ: You're not running for president now.

BODETT: And I do exactly that. And you smell a baby's head, and then it's just, like, you just want to (imitating kiss) kiss it, right?

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: Because they smell so good.

GROSZ: And it's weird that Biden asks people, like, how many months are you now?

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: You're 240 months. Wow, your head smells amazing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So the first thing that Biden did was he put out a statement. He said, not once did I believe I acted inappropriately. Well, he also believes he was born with those teeth, but it doesn't make it true.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He then had to put out a video in which he doesn't quite apologize, but he explained that things used to be different back when when he started in politics. Joe Biden - I'm not just creepy. I'm also very old.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I feel like also that he should've just apologized. Like, I don't know why - like, what is it that's so hard for - about politicians apologizing? Because...

SAGAL: Sorry, but I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Like, that whole video was, like - it was, like, you're waiting and waiting and waiting, and then, like, he wanted you to think that he had said I'm sorry without actually...

ROXANNE ROBERTS: But - but...

GROSZ: ...Having said I'm sorry.

ROBERTS: But he...

GROSZ: It's not that hard.

ROBERTS: But I don't think Joe thinks he did anything wrong. I think Joe thinks he's a guy that just is, like, hey, you know, I'm a hugger, and...

GROSZ: Get your hands off of me.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Listen, I'm married. There's plenty of times I don't think I did anything wrong, but I still apologized.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

(APPLAUSE)

GROSZ: That is a....

BODETT: That's right.

GROSZ: It is not uncommon.

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

BODETT: And that's how you stay married.

GROSZ: Yeah.

BODETT: That's...

GROSZ: And then I announce it to the entire country that I'm still right.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Michelle, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: They're are a bunch of sneaky, unethical leakers.

SAGAL: That was presidential lawyer Rudolph Giuliani getting a little angry this week...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...At the authors of what?

NOLAN: The Mueller report.

SAGAL: Yes, the Mueller Report.

NOLAN: OK.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Do you remember - that's right. You got it right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You all remember last week, when the attorney general said the Mueller Report - which only he had seen - exonerated the president and also said he didn't obstruct justice and also, not only does the president really weigh 230 pounds - he wears those long ties just to keep from intimidating all of us with his rock-hard abs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, it turns out maybe not. Members of Mueller's team are reportedly very upset because there were a lot of things in the report that made the president look really, really bad. And somehow, they didn't get mentioned. The team even had - and this is true - prepared their own summaries of the different sections of the report to be released to the public - summaries with titles like, Like Lollapalooza, But With Collusion...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And I Can't Believe It's Not Obstruction Of Justice Because It Totally Is.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: The thing that shocked me is the Mueller team was legendary for not giving up anything.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROBERTS: You know, they wouldn't even tell you if it was raining outside, and you were standing next to them. And you said, it's raining. And they'd go, I can't comment on that.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: It's also funny because the whole - the reason why we have, like, the special counsel regulations that we do now and that there is this, like, check of going through the attorney general was because Ken Starr, like, mass-printed and, like, broke the Internet for the first time 20 years ago when, like, he released, like, every single word and every piece of evidence from the Starr report. And I wish we didn't have that one, and I wish we had this one. It doesn't really...

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I do realize, like, we could - the country could live without, like, the blue dress and all those tawdry details.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: But I would like to know about, like, Don Junior, like, calling up some Russian on his cell phone and being, like, hi. This is the son of the president. Can you collude with me? Like...

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I know something like - dumb like that happened.

SAGAL: All right, Michelle. Your last quote is from an article in The Washington Post describing a downward trend that people are experiencing.

KURTIS: There are a lot more things to do now at 10 o'clock at night.

SAGAL: That was one of the reasons that people might be doing what a lot less?

NOLAN: Sleeping.

SAGAL: No. Well...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Metaphorically, maybe.

NOLAN: Can you repeat that?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, I have a hint for you.

NOLAN: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

NOLAN: I would love a hint.

SAGAL: I was trying to avoid this.

NOLAN: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, like chicken tenders, their nights are boneless.

(LAUGHTER)

NOLAN: (Unintelligible).

SAGAL: Yeah. Anyway, Michelle, do you know it now?

NOLAN: I do.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What do you think it might be, then?

NOLAN: I think it might be, you know, intimacy.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: I'm glad somebody around here has some class.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes. Have sex is the answer. More Americans than ever before - about 25 percent - reported not having any sex at all during the last year, 2018. Well, if you don't count Joe Biden sniffing their hair.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And they don't.

GROSZ: And it's because there are more things to do...

SAGAL: Well...

GROSZ: ...That people aren't doing each other?

SAGAL: Nobody - people are guessing. There are - I mean, what's surprising about this is that - I mean, part of the reason is that people get older, right? And people get older. Their rate of sexual activity tends to decline. Although they still have it, which is probably why the rest of America went ugh. But...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Those jokes are getting a little harder for me to tell, I should tell you, by the way.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But what's different is that young people are also saying, not this year, dear. Now...

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I was given to believe that...

SAGAL: Yes, Tom?

BODETT: ...That when the young folk would text, want to Netflix and chill...

SAGAL: Yes.

BODETT: ...That that was like a metaphor for...

ROBERTS: For eggplant and peach.

SAGAL: It turns out it wasn't. They just wanted to...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Actually Netflix and chill. Because that, of course, is the other explanation - is that there's so many things to do, including all this streaming entertainment. So, you know, it's, like, yeah, honey. I'll come to bed as soon as I've finished watching all of Netflix.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And however many months later, your partner's, like, are you done? And goes, yeah, but wait a minute. Have you heard of this Hulu thing?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Michelle do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Michelle did great. You got them all right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Michelle. Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

NOLAN: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF THE BAND SONG, "DON'T DO IT")

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