Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Conniption In Chief," "U.K. Shake Up" and "Here Comes the Rat.
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Conniption In Chief," "U.K. Shake Up" and "Here Comes the Rat.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. (Laughter) I'm your e-Bill (ph) twin.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thanks, everybody. Thank you. We have a great show for you today. Actor Kate Mulgrew will be joining us later on. She, of course, played Captain Janeway on "Orange Is The New Black."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first - you may have heard this. It is true. Illinois Republican lawmakers have put forth a resolution to eject Chicago - our city - from the state because, quote, "the city no longer fits the values of the state."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's fine.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We're cool. We're cool. Amicable divorce - we can do that. But look. If you do eject Chicago, can you please put it somewhere where it isn't winter 11 months a year?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: For the moment, though, we are still here, ready to take your calls. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

GRAHAM MCKIM: Hello. This is Graham McKim. I'm calling from Comfort, Texas.

SAGAL: Comfort, Texas - is it a comfortable place, Comfort, Texas?

MCKIM: Right now it's pretty hot.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And what do you do there in Comfort?

MCKIM: I'm a chef at an Episcopal camp and conference center down here.

SAGAL: Oh, you're a chef at a camp. OK. This is a weird question from my own youth, but do you serve the kids bug juice?

(LAUGHTER)

MCKIM: No.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'm sorry because we were served bug juice, and I'm desperate to know what that really was.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show, Graham. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian whose book "Your Dad Stole My Rake: And Other Family Dilemmas" just came out in paperback. Welcome back, Tom Papa.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Next, it's a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of the Wondery podcast One Plus One. It's Faith Salie back with us.

(CHEERING)

FAITH SALIE: Hi, Graham.

SAGAL: And finally, it's a comedian who's performing at Hilarities comedy club in Cleveland June 20 through the 23. It's Alonzo Bodden.

(CHEERING)

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, sir.

SAGAL: So, Graham, I bet you knew this, but you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to recreate for you three quotations we found in the week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain that. Do that two times out of three, you will win our prize. You ready to go?

MCKIM: I sure am.

SAGAL: Here's your first quote.

KURTIS: I was extremely calm.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was somebody going to great lengths to insist he wasn't upset - no, he wasn't upset - when he stormed out of a meeting with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. Who was it?

MCKIM: That would be President Trump.

SAGAL: It would be...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...President Trump, wouldn't it?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: On Wednesday, President Trump stomped into a meeting he had called with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, yelled at them for trying to impeach him and stomped right out. Now, we have never identified with Donald Trump more than this moment because we are also always trying to get out of meetings.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, the president, then, after he stomped out of the meeting three minutes after he walked in, went out to the Rose Garden to make a spontaneous appearance before the press - a spontaneous appearance they had scheduled before the meeting began...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And for which his staff had printed up big posters.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, to be fair, the White House always has a spare selection of posters just in case the president needs to rant...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...You know, the same way you always carry plastic bags when you take your dog for a walk.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Well, it was the Rose Garden. That's...

SAGAL: It was true.

SALIE: That's appropriate. Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, I guess so.

SALIE: If you've got something to do, president, just go out to the garden.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just walk him around the perimeter a while until he's finished.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you think they do that? Do you think they bring him out to the garden every day just to see if he has to?

SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: He's, like, no, it's fine.

TOM PAPA: And then he calls Nancy Pelosi a mess.

SALIE: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: What did she say? She said something about, oh, I pray for the president.

SAGAL: I pray for the president and for the country.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: And, you know, that is just a smarter way of saying, bless your heart.

SAGAL: It really is.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: What's weird is that President Trump presumably is angry at Nancy Pelosi because Nancy Pelosi wants to impeach him - or, as he likes to put it, the I-word.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And what's crazy is he says that about Nancy Pelosi, but Nancy Pelosi famously is very reticent about moving toward impeachment. She says that he, the president, wants us to impeach him, so therefore, we shouldn't do it. Now, he thinks it's true. She thinks he wants to do it to fire up his base. But the real reason is that he thinks being impeached means you get to have sex with an intern.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. We're moving on. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Lactose against intolerance.

SAGAL: That's the rallying cry of a protest movement growing in Britain calling for more people to throw what at politicians they don't like?

MCKIM: Milk.

SAGAL: Close enough - milkshakes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The latest type of political protest is throwing milkshakes at politicians. It began when a protester was confronted on the street by the far-right politician Tommy Robinson, and he had a milkshake, and he spontaneously just took off the cap and threw it on him.

SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And it's spread widely, much like a milkshake down a politician's suit.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In fact, right-wing Brexiteer Nigel Farage has gotten so many milkshakes thrown at him that a McDonald's near one of his speeches was asked by Scotland Yard not to sell them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's true. So instead of milkshaking, we all got to see what it was like to be Filet-O-Fished.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: So can Farage say he's (imitating British accent) shaken, not stirred?

SAGAL: (Imitating British accent) Stirred - yeah. No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He doesn't have the (unintelligible). On Wednesday - this is absolutely true - Farage was trapped in his campaign bus because people were outside...

SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...All holding milkshakes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And you laugh. You laugh.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But imagine how spooky that would be. You look out the window of your bus, and all these people are lined up with their milkshakes just drinking out the straw - like (imitating slurping). Spooky.

PAPA: It's so funny how different our cultures are. Like, over there, it's such an insult to get hit with a milkshake. And yet, our president showers in milkshakes...

SAGAL: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I don't know. Would the Secret Service have to dive in front of him...

SALIE: Yeah.

BODDEN: ...And take the shake?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, it's funny - the Secret Service diving in front going, yum.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, it's - this is true. So McDonald's said, we're not selling milkshakes. They asked us not to. Burger King - this is true - they advertised on Twitter, hey, we're selling milkshakes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It won't work, though, because the only person who ever goes to Burger King in the U.K. is Prince Charles because that's the only time he ever gets to really wear a crown.

(OOHING)

SAGAL: Sir, we're closing. You need to leave.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You can keep the crown, sir. Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: (Imitating British accent) But look how small my head is next to the mascot.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Your last quote is the title of an episode of "Arthur." That's, of course, a popular animated kid's TV show.

KURTIS: Mr. Ratburn and the Special Someone.

SAGAL: That episode was not broadcast in the state of Alabama because the special someone that Mr. Ratburn married was what?

MCKIM: Gay?

SAGAL: Well, yes...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Another man.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Mr. Ratburn...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Married another man. Or, technically, he married a male aardvark. And I don't know why people are upset about two males marrying each other rather than a rat marrying an aardvark.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Of course, the real reason to ban this show is you don't want to give people the idea it's OK to bring kids to weddings.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Or maybe Alabama's problem with two men getting married is there's nobody in that couple they can force to have a baby.

(APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: I just would have loved to sit in that meeting when they're, like, oh, the aardvark's marrying the rat? Not in our state.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: We - these people just have - what - they have nothing else to do but sit around...

SAGAL: Apparently, they worry about these things.

BODDEN: I thought we were past this with the "Teletubbies."

SAGAL: No. No. No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Not in Alabama. Now, it's weird. The standards are way off. Alabama Public Television is still fine with "Dora The Explorer," but that's only because they don't know that the thing that Dora is exploring is polyamory.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And just wait till they find out that everyone on "Sesame Street" is a furry.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Graham do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Graham did very well - one, two, three in a row.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Graham.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Well done.

MCKIM: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BELIEVE IN YOURSELF (ARTHUR THEME SONG)")

ZIGGY MARLEY AND THE MELODY MAKERS: (Singing) And I say, hey, what a wonderful kind of day where you can learn to work and play and get along with each other.

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