Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Census Working Overtime," "World Conquerors" and "Easy Squeezy."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Census Working Overtime," "World Conquerors" and "Easy Squeezy."

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Take a look at my horns, Pamplona. It's the running of the Bills.

(CHEERING)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thank you. It's great to be back with you all. I missed you. We have a wonderful show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Tiera Fletcher. She's the 24-year-old MIT grad who is now designing the rocket that will take us to Mars. But first, we're very proud. The eyes of the world were on Chicago this week when an alligator - an actual...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Alligator - was found in a pond in a city park here. It just shows that Illinois is slowly becoming the next Florida.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, the process of Floridification (ph), of course, will not be complete until a drunk, shirtless guy jumps into the alligator pond and makes out with it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So while we are still stable enough to answer the call, give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

A DAVID LEWIS: Hi, Peter. This is A. David Lewis calling from Arlington, Mass.

SAGAL: Arlington, Mass. - I know it extremely well. What do you do there in Arlington?

LEWIS: Well, by day, I teach at a college - at a university here in the area. And by night, I write comic books.

SAGAL: No, really?

LEWIS: I do.

SAGAL: It's close to what I was hoping for because I was hoping you would say, by night, I fight crime.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's close enough. What kind of comic books are you writing?

LEWIS: I actually write a book called "Kismet, Man Of Fate." It's about the first Muslim superhero from 1944.

SAGAL: How very cool. And what kind of enemies does Kismet fight?

LEWIS: He fights fascists, Peter.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: OK, David. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, a features writer for the style section of The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a writer for "Divorce" on HBO and co-host of the "Adulting" podcast from WNYC Studios. Joining us again, it's Jordan Carlos.

JORDAN CARLOS: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

CARLOS: Nice to be back.

SAGAL: And finally, a comedian performing in Hyannis, Mass., at the Cape Cod Melody Tent on August 16 and in Nashville, Tenn., at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center on September 20. She's the co-host of the podcast "Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone." She's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey.

SAGAL: David, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to play?

LEWIS: I am.

SAGAL: All right. For your first quote, here is the president speaking at the White House on Thursday.

KURTIS: Today, I'm here to say we're not backing down.

SAGAL: He said that as he was backing down...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...On demanding a question about citizenship on what?

LEWIS: The 2020 U.S. census.

SAGAL: That's exactly right, David.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes, the census.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The administration has been trying to put a question about citizenship onto the census for about a year. But the Supreme Court said they would not allow it because the White House lied about their reasons for the question a little too openly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The White House really shouldn't have gone with the classics - because our girlfriend in Canada wants us to.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A Supreme Court ruling against him made Trump angry, but he was already angry at the census. It makes him answer that impossible question, how many children do you have?

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: And yet...

SAGAL: It was amazing because the Supreme Court said, well, you can't do this. And the rest of the government, even commerce - what's the name of the commerce secretary? - Wilbur Ross...

CARLOS: Yes.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Also known as the crypt keeper...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Even he was...

POUNDSTONE: You know what's weird? When I saw him standing there, I thought, wasn't he killed in "Raiders Of The Lost Ark?"

(LAUGHTER)

CARLOS: Yeah.

SAGAL: They brought him back for the sequel, apparently.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Anyway, even he was, like, yeah, it's done. The Supreme Court said, no, we can't do it. And so apparently, the last week has been people trying to convince the president that you can't just ignore the Supreme Court. He had plans, though, for the whole census. He wanted to redo the whole thing. Under race, the Trump census would've had only two options - white and loser.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And you only count your spouse if she's a 10.

(LAUGHTER)

CARLOS: Well, I'm sure that they probably had him take off the article when he's speaking about African Americans. Usually, he refers to us as the blacks, so...

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He's got a backup plan. He's given up the fight. Instead of the census, he's just going to get Jeffrey Epstein to guess everyone's age.

(GROANING)

ROBERTS: So we're going to go there, huh?

SAGAL: Yeah, well, and now we're going to quickly leave.

ROBERTS: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: David, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: I deserve this. I deserve everything.

SAGAL: That was Megan Rapinoe. She was swigging champagne from the bottle as she celebrated her team winning what?

LEWIS: The World Cup.

SAGAL: Yes, the Women's World Cup in soccer.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The U.S. team beat the Netherlands in the final on Sunday. It wasn't fair. They were wearing their wooden shoes - I mean, really.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And they came home to a ticker-tape parade in New York, which is interesting because they don't have ticker tape anymore.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: They use shredded and recycled paper. That's good to know. All the time and effort you spend separating your paper recyclables is done so New Yorkers can throw it at people.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The women were honored with an ESPY award Thursday for best team, and they thanked the U.S. Soccer Federation for supporting them 70% of the way.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Did you get - were you guys excited by the World Cup? I was thrilled. I watched every game. I loved it.

CARLOS: I was so thrilled. I went to the parade. And what was great was after the floats passed and everything, New Yorkers just went about complaining again.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

CARLOS: Yeah. We're like, what's all this ticker tape?

SAGAL: Really? You went out like, this is great. And as soon as it was over, it's like, well, that was terrible.

(LAUGHTER)

CARLOS: That's what we do. It's in our DNA.

POUNDSTONE: Well, I mean, in the end, it's - it leaves a messy street. Right.

CARLOS: Exact...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

CARLOS: Well, no. It was messy to begin with.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: So they probably won't be going to the White House.

SAGAL: Well, they won't be going to the White House. This, of course, became a thing. Megan Rapinoe, the star of the team - she preemptively refused to go to the White House. But, of course, it doesn't matter. They're not going to be invited. Rapinoe said they'd be happy to go to the House of Representatives or to the Senate or, basically, to the Waffle House. Basically...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It is more likely...

POUNDSTONE: House of Pies.

SAGAL: ...That the entire team will show up at your house than the White House.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, David. Your last quote - it's a little late for the Fourth of July, but it's exciting for next year's barbecues. It's an innovation that will revolutionize barbecues and wiener roasts all over the country.

KURTIS: We talked to men and women across the country who are heavy users. They were damn tired of dealing with the messy cap.

SAGAL: That was somebody talking about revolutionizing what condiment container?

LEWIS: I think it's mustard.

SAGAL: No, it's so close. It's the other one.

LEWIS: It's ketchup.

SAGAL: It is.

CARLOS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Revolutionizing the ketchup bottle. For years, we have wrestled with a way to get ketchup out of a bottle when it clearly does not want to come out. But the problem has been solved. No longer will you struggle to get your ketchup out of the bottle, thanks to a newly designed package. It's called the standard inverted pouch, named after a popular kangaroo sex position.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Don't get distracted. This is important. It's basically a bag with a cap on the bottom. It looks like a fat toothpaste tube. So you squeeze out the ketchup onto your ketchup brush and scrub your fries at least 30 seconds per side.

CARLOS: Sure.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Doesn't baby food already do that?

SAGAL: Well, they've been moving to this for a while. So toothpaste has changed to this sort of tube with a cap on the bottom. And now they're going to it for everything, in fact - not just ketchup. All of our foods will soon be served in bags. The new packages will be used for sour cream and yogurt and guacamole, all of which will soon be squeezed with great force right onto your pants.

(LAUGHTER)

CARLOS: But this is kind of fun. I mean, a bladder of ketchup, I feel like.

(LAUGHTER)

CARLOS: You know...

SAGAL: Oh, let's call it that.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, yeah.

ROBERTS: No, no. Let's not.

SAGAL: (Imitating New England accent) Hey, friend, could you pass the ketchup bladder?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did David do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Dave got all three right. Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations, David. And good luck to Kismet, scourge of fascists.

LEWIS: Thank you, Peter.

SAGAL: Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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