Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Obeese, Followed by a Reception At Sbarro and Cutting Scents.
NPR logo

Limericks

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/767504550/767530165" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Limericks

Limericks

Limericks

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/767504550/767530165" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Obeese, Followed by a Reception At Sbarro and Cutting Scents.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924 or click the contact-us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our 1,000th show on October 24 in Salt Lake City and our 1,001st show - October 25 in Salt Lake...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And our first-ever show in Richmond, Va.,...

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...On November 14. And if you want more WAIT WAIT... in your week, check out the WAIT WAIT... quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill. Just say open the WAIT WAIT... quiz, and you could win the voice of your choice for your voicemail.

BILL KURTIS: Ooh, what a prize.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

KATY SAMUEL: Hi, my name is Katy Samuel. And I am from Santa Barbara, Calif.

SAGAL: Oh, Santa Barbara - one of the most beautiful places in - on this earth.

SAMUEL: Yeah. It is gorgeous all year round.

SAGAL: What do you do there?

SAMUEL: I am a true millennial. I have three jobs. I work as a nanny, at a wedding venue and then I also, on the weekends, do princess party performing.

SAGAL: You do princess party performing. What is that exactly?

SAMUEL: I go to birthday parties as public-domain fairy-tale characters. And...

(LAUGHTER)

HELEN HONG: Hilarious.

SAMUEL: Yeah.

HONG: Not copyrighted.

SAMUEL: Yeah. Exactly.

HONG: So you're not Ariel. You're not Ariel.

SAGAL: Yes.

SAMUEL: I'm the - I...

FAITH SALIE: She's a mermaid.

SAMUEL: I do go as Hans Christian Andersen's Little Mermaid.

SAGAL: Right.

SAMUEL: Correct.

HONG: Is there a public-domain "Frozen?"

SAMUEL: You mean Hans Christian Andersen's "Snow Queen"?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

HONG: Yes. That's exactly what I meant.

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Katie. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Here is your first limerick.

KURTIS: The bumblebee queen has a chat. Hey, guys. Population is flat. You drones must commit to being more fit. To mate with me, you are too..

SAMUEL: Fat.

SAGAL: Yes, fat.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: The rusty-patch bumblebee was the first bee to be placed in the U.S. Endangered Species List. And scientists now believe their decline is mostly because male bees are getting too fat to mate. And yet somehow, they all keep getting cast as sitcom leads alongside beautiful, long-suffering wives.

(LAUGHTER)

TOM BODETT: Did you know that when a drone successfully mates with the queen, she then eats - chews his gonads off?

SAGAL: That is the case.

BODETT: Yeah. So...

SAGAL: Wow...

BODETT: I mean, wouldn't you, like - if you're looking forward to that, just like...

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: ...Stress-eat.

SAGAL: Yeah.

SALIE: Yeah. Yeah.

SAGAL: Sounds true. I should say, by the way, that it is not due to the bee's diet. It's not like they're eating junk food. It's due to a parasitic fungus and, of course, the unflattering horizontal stripes they all wear.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Katie. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: If ring shopping is what you are dreading, check out this display we are spreading. Some rings for you, too, and then both say I do because our jewelry store's hosting the...

SAMUEL: ...Wedding.

SAGAL: Yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Chain jewelry store Helzburg Diamonds is now offering, not just wedding and engagement rings but also on-the-spot marriages to any couple who asks.

SALIE: Ugh.

SAGAL: The ceremony is done by sales associates who are ordained by the Universal Life Church. And the reception is catered by the Auntie Annie's Pretzels in the food court.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, I should say, for everybody who's excited by this, the service is free of charge. You just need to remember to bring a wedding license and some witnesses. And if you don't have any witnesses, just look around for Roy Moore. He's usually hanging out at the mall.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Right by Forever 21.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Imagine how frustrated he is.

SALIE: That is just hideous in every way.

SAGAL: But they say, Faith...

SALIE: Yes.

SAGAL: ...That they are doing this in respond to a change in the wedding demographic. More and more younger people don't want to spend a whole lot of time...

HONG: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Or money getting married. They want to avoid the whole sort of figuring out how many friends I actually have thing. But remember; diamonds may be forever, but the mall closes at 10.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I'm down with it. They're offering a free service. And if you actually went and had a wedding, it would cost, like, $10,000 at least. And you - and there's no Panda Express.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true.

HONG: You know what I mean?

SAGAL: At your traditional wedding, they don't have a Panda Express.

HONG: Yeah. You could just get married, have the Panda Express, have the Cinnabon and then you're like, that was awesome. I'm stoked.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: With craft sheers, my children are wizards. But now all their noses bleed rivers. The damage was made from sniffing the blades. Their teacher gave out scented...

SAMUEL: Scissors?

SAGAL: Scissors, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes.

SAMUEL: Why?

SAGAL: Finally, someone has fixed the main problem with scissors, which is...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...You don't have enough reasons to stick them really close to your face.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's all changed hands thanks to - you ready for this? - Sniffs, the scented scissors.

HONG: What?

SAGAL: Yeah. They smell like oranges, grapes and, eventually the most popular fragrance, nose blood.

SALIE: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Reviews for Sniffs' scissors have been understandably harsh...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...With plenty of people saying the product is not safe for kids. But at least they're safer than the company's previous product, Licks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Katy do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Katy roared right through to a win - 3 and 0.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Katy, thank you so much for playing.

SAMUEL: Thank you guys for having me.

SAGAL: Bye, bye.

Copyright © 2019 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.