Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Dismal news from the nation's capitol, quikflix, fantastic news from the nation's capitol.
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Who's Bill This Time?

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Who's Bill This Time?

Who's Bill This Time?

Who's Bill This Time?

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  • Transcript

Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Dismal news from the nation's capitol, quikflix, fantastic news from the nation's capitol.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. It's cold out there. Put this Bill-aklava (ph) on your face...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Take me back to the old Chicago. We have a very fine show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to an icon of the feminist movement, Ms. Gloria Steinem...

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: ...Who at the age of 85 has to come back and explain it all again.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She's got a new book out. It's called "Look, You Morons: I Told You All This Once Already."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We want to hear you sigh about the news while you answer our questions. Go give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

DEBORAH WHITCOMB: Hi. It's Deborah Whitcomb (ph). I'm calling from beautiful Longmont, Colo.

SAGAL: Oh, Longmont - I have actually been to Longmont. What do you do there?

WHITCOMB: I am an equine appearance specialist...

SAGAL: An equine appearance specialist.

WHITCOMB: ...Otherwise known as a groom.

SAGAL: Oh, I see. All right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you're grooming the horses. You're making them look good.

WHITCOMB: Yeah. I braid manes and tails for horse shows, so I stand on ladders all night and put (unintelligible) little braids on the horses and braid their tails. And their owners come in in the morning, and the horses look (unintelligible).

SAGAL: Yeah. Would you - are you happier working with horses or with people?

WHITCOMB: I prefer the horses. That's why I like to stand on the ladder all night. And then I leave before the people get there.

SAGAL: I think that's why.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Deborah, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, an author and humorist newly named as an op-ed commentator for The Washington Post. It's P.J. O'Rourke.

PJ O'ROURKE: Hi, Deborah.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Next, a comedian and author of the book "How To Make White People Laugh" and host of the podcast Fake The Nation, it's Negin Farsad.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: And making his debut on our panel, a comedian whose new book, "Nice Try," is out now, it's Josh Gondelman.

(APPLAUSE)

JOSH GONDELMAN: Hello.

SAGAL: So, Deborah, welcome to the show. I bet you knew this, but you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course - identify two out of three. Do that, you win our prize - the voice of anyone you might choose from our show on your voicemail. Are you ready to go?

WHITCOMB: I am.

SAGAL: All right. Let's do it then. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: This is a sad day - a sad day.

SAGAL: That was Nancy Pelosi lying about how she felt...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...About Thursday's vote to authorize what?

WHITCOMB: The impeachment.

SAGAL: Yes...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...The impeachment inquiry.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: They voted on Thursday. Democrats kept coming to the well of the House and saying things like, I take no pleasure in impeaching the president, which is a weird way to say, I take great pleasure in impeaching this president. Honestly, if you're a Democrat and you can't derive pleasure from impeaching this president, you need a fistful of Zoloft.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Meanwhile, the Republicans, when they got their turns to speak, kept shouting about the fact that they were being bullied by the majority. Finally, Trump supporters found a minority whose rights they care about.

(APPLAUSE)

O'ROURKE: It's verging on virtue signaling.

SAGAL: It really is, yes. They're all social justice warriors...

O'ROURKE: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...Those Republicans.

O'ROURKE: Yeah.

GONDELMAN: I feel like, to be balanced, they should have gone up and been, like, we take great pleasure in this, and we vote against it.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We're having so much fun. It's great. The Republicans also kept talking, and they kept complaining about how they - all these secretive hearings so far had been happening down in the basement as if that's bad. It's a secure conference room in the basement of the Capitol. I mean, it's not like Jerry Nadler was barging into the hearing every few hours to do his laundry.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Although when he was occupying this basement room last week, Matt Gaetz did keep shouting up for his mom to bring him more popcorn.

(LAUGHTER)

GONDELMAN: To be fair, he was really into a "Fortnite" game, and what was he going to do, get it himself?

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The thing that amazes me - and I'm not even sure if I have a joke about this - it's just the president - and we'll remember after the first whistleblower complaint became known, he released a transcript. And in the transcript of this call, he does exactly what he was accused of doing. He demands a favor, an investigation in exchange for aid. And he continues to say, well, it was perfect, as you can read in the transcript. There's nothing wrong. And there is something wrong.

(LAUGHTER)

NEGIN FARSAD: He also...

O'ROURKE: So you've raised a toddler.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GONDELMAN: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's the equivalent of...

O'ROURKE: Did you break that? No.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: I saw you break that.

SAGAL: But my toddler daughter did not look at the broken thing on the ground and say, it's not broken. See? It's not broken.

O'ROURKE: No, my toddler did.

SAGAL: Oh, really?

O'ROURKE: Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: I didn't do it, and I'll never do it again. And also, it isn't broken.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: But...

GONDELMAN: Wow, you did raise a Republican toddler.

O'ROURKE: I did. I did.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: We don't kid around in my house.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: No, Netflix. No.

SAGAL: That was filmmaker Judd Apatow responding to the news that Netflix is now allowing some users the option to do what?

WHITCOMB: Oh, gosh. I don't know this one.

SAGAL: Well, I'll give you a hint. This is something...

WHITCOMB: Yes.

SAGAL: ...That you can now do with TV shows and movies on Netflix that you can already do with podcasts - which, by the way, I find insulting...

WHITCOMB: Oh.

SAGAL: ...So don't do it to me.

(LAUGHTER)

WHITCOMB: Well, I mean, speed ahead. I - it's their stuff. We don't know.

O'ROURKE: Give her that one. Give her it.

SAGAL: I will.

O'ROURKE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Thank you - if you'd said speed through it. The answer is...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Speed them up. Netflix is allowing users now to watch video and movies on their site at up to 1.5 times the normal speed. So it's farewell, Netflix and chill. Hello, Netflix and come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Last week, some people watching Netflix on their phones found that they had this option. They could play back up to 1.5 speed, which on the one hand is a terrible insult to the careful work of filmmakers but on the other hand makes the really slow stuff like the movie "Roma" into action movies.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And if you like, you can find out what it would be like to hear David McCullough narrate a documentary while high on cocaine.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: This whole thing is like Netflix saying, honestly, our stuff isn't really worth your time.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GONDELMAN: I'd, like, hate to watch "Planet Earth" at, like, one and a half speed because you'd just be, like, well, climate change is faster than I thought.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: On the other hand, late Woody Allen...

SAGAL: Yeah, that could benefit.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: I was just putting it out there.

FARSAD: But it was...

GONDELMAN: Woody Allen should speed up his wife's age to 1.5 speed.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: But also, what is the emergency situation that you need something at 1.5 speed, right?

SAGAL: Well...

FARSAD: It's just if you don't have time, just don't watch a thing. It's, like, oh, wait - I need "Queer Eye," STAT. You know what I mean?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: This patient - no, she's not going to make it. Like, there's no...

GONDELMAN: I need to know what kind of boots they chose for him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last quote.

WHITCOMB: OK.

KURTIS: You're a freaking bulldog, bro.

SAGAL: That was Davey Martinez talking to a man named Max Scherzer after their team, the Washington Nationals, did what this week?

WHITCOMB: They won their first World Series.

SAGAL: They did.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They won their first World Series.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Washington Nationals won it in seven games against the Astros, and for the first time in history, the winning team won all the road games. It makes sense. They were just so happy to be away from D.C.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: By the way, among many other interesting things, this is the oldest World Series roster of players ever. For example, pitcher Fernando Rodney is 42 years old, and their shortstop is Joe Biden.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It was, in fact, the first World Series win in Washington since 1924, and things have changed tremendously. Back then, President Calvin Coolidge threw out the first pitch. And today, Calvin Coolidge is dead.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, as you know, our current president attended game five in Washington. He did not throw out the first pitch. He didn't want to do it when they told him he couldn't drive his golf cart right onto the pitcher's mound. Instead, the president just attended the game. And when he was shown on the scoreboard, and the whole stadium booed him, it was terrible, and it couldn't have felt any better when Melania kind of joined in.

(LAUGHTER)

GONDELMAN: Interestingly, if Calvin Coolidge were at this year's World Series, he would have been the one saying, (imitating ghost) ooh.

SAGAL: (Imitating ghost) Ooh.

(LAUGHTER)

GONDELMAN: They're not all good jokes.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Can I say something about baseball, though?

SAGAL: You may.

FARSAD: I think baseball should be played at 1.5 speed.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Why is it so long?

SAGAL: Bill, how did Deborah do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Two out of 3 for sure. But we will remember 3 out of 3, Deborah. You did well.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Deborah.

WHITCOMB: Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you.

O'ROURKE: Good work, Deborah.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BABY SHARK (FITNESS VERSION 128 BPM)")

ZIPPERS: (Singing) Baby shark, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Baby shark, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Baby shark, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, baby shark.

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