Panel Questions Impeachment Shopping, Santa's White Christmas, Caveman Cabernet, Pac-(Son-of) Man.

Panel Questions

Panel Questions

  • Download
  • <iframe src="" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Impeachment Shopping, Santa's White Christmas, Caveman Cabernet, Pac-(Son-of) Man.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Paula Poundstone, Peter Grosz and Faith Salie. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.


Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody.


SAGAL: Now, Bill took a DNA test. Turns out, he's 100% that limerick. That's the...

FAITH SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news.

Peter, on Monday, two lawyers presented the Democratic and Republican impeachment reports to the House Judiciary Committee, and people noticed that the Republican lawyer, Steve Castor, brought his key essential documents in what?

PETER GROSZ: A - like a recyclable, or a - one of those, like, reusable grocery bags.

SAGAL: That's exactly right.


SAGAL: He used a reusable grocery bag. He walked into the committee ready to defend the president from impeachment with his documents in what turned out to be a Fresh Market reusable grocery bag, which was great because Congress did not charge him the extra 10 cents. It was awkward when he, like, was asked about high crimes, and he pulled out a baguette.

Where, we wondered, was his briefcase? It turns out, Congressman Jim Jordan was sitting on it so he could see over the desk.


GROSZ: Briefcases are reusable, right? There aren't a lot of, like, single-use briefcases...


GROSZ: ...Where you take your law papers and like, well, that's it. Throw this $300 leather briefcase in the garbage. Meanwhile, somebody is like - one of his kids or something is shopping, and they're, like, putting groceries into a briefcase.

SALIE: Into a briefcase (laughter).


SAGAL: Paula, a Christmas sweater was recalled this week after complaints over the depiction of Santa doing what?


SAGAL: Yes, doing lines of coke.


SAGAL: Walmart was selling...

GROSZ: What?


SALIE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

SALIE: From Walmart.

SAGAL: Walmart, they were selling...

POUNDSTONE: It said let it snow.

SAGAL: That's exactly right.



POUNDSTONE: Santa sitting in a chair.

SAGAL: Yeah, Santa sitting in a chair in front of lines of coke. It says let it snow. Parents were outraged. When you think about it, it totally makes sense that Santa is doing coke. Why else would he be always like, no, I'll go down the chimney.


GROSZ: And he flies around the world in one night.

SAGAL: Yeah. He...

SALIE: Exactly.

GROSZ: You cannot do that if you're not on cocaine.

SAGAL: He needs a bump. Peter...

GROSZ: Yeah.

SAGAL: Peter, a new study from anthropologists finds that the thing that saved early humans from extinction might have been their ability to handle what?

SAGAL: We were immune to fire...


GROSZ: ...Early on.


GROSZ: There was a big meteor that came and...

SAGAL: It was our ability to do something, specifically to handle something.

GROSZ: Radioactive spider bites?


SAGAL: No. I'll give you a hint. All the orders were on the rocks in the Stone Age.

GROSZ: We were - oh, we were drinking alcohol a lot?

SAGAL: Yes. Our ability to handle alcohol...


SAGAL: ...Led to our survival.

SALIE: What?

SAGAL: That's the idea.

POUNDSTONE: Who says that?


SAGAL: The theory is...

GROSZ: Anthropology.


SAGAL: ...That because our bodies could handle, even enjoy, alcohol, we could feed on things like rotting and fermented fruit and thus survive during hard times, you see? It also explains why early humans were always walking around without pants. They were wasted.

SALIE: (Laughter) Wait, so people were...

GROSZ: You got to look at this fire, man. You got to look at this fire.


GROSZ: This thing is - this thing's incredible. You know how we, like, eat raw stuff? We don't have to do it.


POUNDSTONE: Yeah. We can put it...

GROSZ: Just take the thing, and throw it in the fire.

POUNDSTONE: Put it in the fire.

GROSZ: We're going to live forever.

POUNDSTONE: Making barbecue. Making barbecue.

GROSZ: But it's the idea that, like, because alcohol is technically poison...


GROSZ: ...So that, like, we were able to...

POUNDSTONE: We could metabolize.

GROSZ: Yeah, other animals can't, but we can handle it - meaning, like, eat the food, get the nourishment, continue to survive. Anthropologists believe...

POUNDSTONE: So we could handle poison?

SAGAL: Well, that particular poison...


SAGAL: ...Alcohol.


SAGAL: The - anthropologists believed that alcohol played both a survival and social role all the way back to primitive man. It also explains how people could bring themselves to mate with guys with those brow ridges.


SAGAL: Rotten fruit goggles.

SALIE: I'll have another berry.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. Honey, I'm trying to kiss you, but your brow ridge keeps - I can't get that close to your face. That's why people come in at an angle.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SAGAL: Faith, video games let you pretend to be a soldier or a cowboy, a knight. And now there's a new first-person video game which gives gamers the chance to play as whom?

SALIE: Presidential candidates.


SALIE: Is it a person?

SAGAL: It is very specifically a person.

SALIE: Oh. Can I - may I have a hint?

SAGAL: Yeah. It's not a first-person shooter, so much as a first-person savior.

SALIE: You get to be Jesus?

SAGAL: You get to be Jesus.


SAGAL: I Am Jesus Christ is a video game in which you play the Messiah. The trailer was released this week. I mean, it makes sense that Jesus is the hero of a video game. He invented the concept of an extra life.


SAGAL: So to play - this what you do. You are Jesus, and you control Jesus through all the greatest hits of the gospels. You heal lepers. You multiply loaves and fishes. Don't screw it up and multiply the lepers. The company...


SALIE: Is it a Christian company? Is this done with reverence?

SAGAL: It is absolutely done with reverence. It clearly is marketed to people who - Christians who very much want to experience the gospels from...

SALIE: But then you're like, who do you think you are, Jesus Christ?

SAGAL: Yeah. Yes is the answer. But it is a little disarming when you start the game, and Jesus appears. And he goes, it's a-me, Jesus.


Copyright © 2019 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.