Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Stache Attack!, Hot Dogs Get A Reboot, and Performance-Enhancing Carnitas.

Limericks

Limericks

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/1008326274/1008338031" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Stache Attack!, Hot Dogs Get A Reboot, and Performance-Enhancing Carnitas.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There, you can also find out about our upcoming show. Yes, we are coming back...

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: ...In Philadelphia at The Mann Center on August 5. Be there and smell other humans. Also, to get more WAIT WAIT in your life, follow us @waitwait on Twitter and @waitwaitnpr on Instagram. There, you can get show news and see that we finally figured out how to put the links in the bio. Wonderful job, Emma.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MILLY: Hi, this is Milly (ph). I'm calling from New York City.

SAGAL: How are things in New York? Is it all opening up?

MILLY: Yes, it is. It feels like we're almost in a post-pandemic world.

SAGAL: Right. One of the things I've noticed on Twitter is a lot of New Yorkers posting stories like New York is back to normal and then posting stories of some incredibly weird thing they saw on the street, right? Has this happened to you of like, oh, New York's back 'cause I saw some lunatic running down the street holding four trumpets or something?

MILLY: I don't think lunatics running down the street fully stopped during the pandemic. So...

SAGAL: Oh, that's true. That is a good point.

LUKE BURBANK: That was really their moment.

MILLY: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Milly. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

MILLY: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: Excellent. Here we go. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: My lower lip's hair growth is just rash. The people I meet say they must dash. My lips are entwined by a weird equal sign because I have doubled my...

MILLY: Mustache?

BURBANK: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes, mustache.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good. Double mustaches are the summer's hot trend. And by trend, we mean nightmare. People grow mustache on the regular spot, you know, above the lip and then a second identical mustache on the chin. No, the problem with your mustache was not that there were not enough of them. The style gives your face a good oh-what-the-hell look. I mean, why stop at just two? If we're mustaching (ph) out, keep mustaching all the way down.

FAITH SALIE: This is what people have been hiding behind their masks. People just wanted to kind of reveal, right?

BURBANK: (Laughter).

SALIE: You didn't see this coming.

SAGAL: I mean, who started this? It's like, my mustache is lonely. I guess I'll shave it a friend. Oh, no. Now we're both lonely.

BURBANK: (Laughter).

SAGAL: All right. Here's your next limerick.

KURTIS: Sausage love makes some folks bratty. They insist it's a tube, not a flatty. But this new one for fun fits a hamburger bun. My hot dog is formed like a...

MILLY: Patty?

SAGAL: Patty, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

KURTIS: You won't find one in Chicago.

SAGAL: We've all been there. You're making hot dogs for dinner. You only have hamburger buns. What do you do? Well, the answer should be eat literally anything else. But now, apparently, your answer is round hot dogs designed to fit on hamburger buns. Now, if you're having trouble picturing these, that's because they're an abomination, outside the realm of sanity.

SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: They're flat discs of hot dog meat, like a really thick slice of bologna.

DULCE SLOAN: It is bologna.

SAGAL: It is - a hot dog is bologna.

SLOAN: We've already done this.

SAGAL: You know this.

SALIE: Yes.

SAGAL: Everybody knows.

SLOAN: A hot dog is bologna.

SAGAL: Hot dog and bologna...

SLOAN: We've already...

SAGAL: ...Absolutely identical, right.

SLOAN: Yo, man, we are bored.

SAGAL: Now, unlike a tubular hot dog, the little hot dog patties do not have a hot dog casing, just, you know, the interior. So if you're the kind of person who loves hot dogs but wishes you could just gum them, I don't even...

SALIE: Do you know until this very moment, I never appreciated casing? And now, I...

SAGAL: There you are, casing.

BURBANK: Yeah.

SALIE: ...When I think of a patty of the innards of a hot dog...

SAGAL: Right.

SALIE: ...I at least want it covered up with some modesty of casing.

BURBANK: Yes.

SAGAL: Exactly. All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: This drug test is getting her veto. She claims that she ate tainted meato. It was wrapped up with beans. Now her blood isn't clean. She's banned for a bad pork...

MILLY: Burrito?

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: After testing positive for steroids after a track event, Olympic hopeful Shelby Houlihan blamed it on a bad pork burrito. In her defense, apparently, pigs naturally produce the steroid that was found in her system. That's why you see so many pigs competing for Russia.

BURBANK: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Despite her appeals and insistence it's all a mistake, nobody believes her. This is an elite professional athlete. She's going to say, oh, what should I do after my carefully designed workout, my daily weigh-in and complete medical examination by an entire staff of professionals who monitor everything I put in my body? I know - food truck burrito time.

SALIE: Is this real? This is...

SAGAL: This is absolutely real.

SALIE: Like, she's not making it up. This burrito...

SAGAL: She's not - well, now, whether or not she's making it up we don't know. But it is absolutely real that she tested positive for a banned steroid and that she said, oh, my God, I'm totally innocent. What it must be is I had a burrito the other day, and the burrito has pork meat, which can have this chemical trace in it. And everybody was like, oh, OK, maybe. And they were actually - this is all true. They were going to let her compete in the trials anyway 'cause she was under appeal. But then somebody visited the burrito truck in question and found out it was run by Lance Armstrong.

SLOAN: Dun dun dun.

BURBANK: She did test positive for elevated levels of guacamole, though.

SAGAL: It's true. It's true.

BURBANK: So some of the story actually checks out.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Milly do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Milly, who never uses ketchup on a hot dog, got them all right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

KURTIS: She's perfect.

SLOAN: Woo-hoo.

SAGAL: Woo-hoo.

SALIE: Yay, Milly.

SAGAL: Woo-hoo. Congratulations, Milly.

MILLY: Thank you guys so much. This has been on my bucket list.

SAGAL: Thank you, Milly.

MILLY: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BLAME IT ON THE BOOGIE")

THE JACKSON 5: (Singing) Don't blame it on the sunshine. Don't blame it on the moonlight. Don't blame it on the good times. Blame it on the boogie. Don't blame it on the sunshine. Don't blame it on...

Copyright © 2021 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.