I Hate Myselfie
Hi. I'm Shane Dawson. Some of you might know me from my videos on the internet. Some of you might know me from the movie I directed entitled Not Cool. And some of you might know me as the guy you saw on the cover of this book who has an incredibly punchable face. I'm all of those things and more! I also have an incredibly punchable body, but none of you will ever get to see that.
For the record, I don't really hate myself, but I do hate the way I portray myself online. Hence, "myselfie." See what I did there? Online I'm this loud, outrageous, confident guy who acts like nothing bothers him and he has the whole world at his fingertips. In reality, I'm a shy, quiet guy who would rather spend his nights lying in bed watching Netflix than being a valuable member of society. If I could spend my entire life underneath a heating blanket with a handful of my own balls I would happily do so.
I'm not saying that I don't like the stuff I put out into the world, because I genuinely enjoy my videos and think they are funny. What I'm saying is that I embrace the fact that I have a punchable face, and that if I could punch myself without feeling it I would. Sometimes I scroll through my Instagram page and audibly groan. What is the point of posting four pictures a day of yourself doing the same duck face in four different locations? If you go through my Instagram feed it's like a flip book of me thinking I'm WAY more attractive than I am. It's nauseating. But feel free to follow me at@SHANEDAWSON! You can also follow me on Twitter, where I post important tweets like: "I think I just pooped blood. Should I go to the doctor? Nvmd, just gonna google it," and "Ugh. Is Emma Stone still a thing? Can that be over yet?" It gets really deep. I'm a social warrior, clearly.
In this book, you'll get to see the real me, not the "me" you see on YouTube. You will get to know what's really in my head, and I'm warning you it's not pretty. It's a twisted land of self-hatred, sadness, and lots of repressed anger toward every person who's ever hurt me. ENJOY! Don't worry, I threw in some dick and fart jokes to make the stories a little easier to handle. Kind of like mixing in some peanut butter with your medicine, which by the way my mom used to do. You haven't lived till you've had a Vicodin peanut butter marshmallow fluff sandwich. I can still taste the numbing of my emotions. Delicious.
I urge you to sit back, enjoy, and know that in the end things have gotten better for me. And they will for you too, if that's anything you're worried about. Feel free to laugh at my misfortune and get that feeling of "Wow, my life is SO much better than THAT guy's."
Obviously joking but semi-serious,