Riverhead BooksCopyright © 1996 Nick Hornby
All right reserved.ISBN: 1573225517
Now... Laura leaves first thing Monday morning with a hold-all and a carrierbag. It's sobering, really, to see how little she is taking with her, this womanwho loves her things, her teapots and her books and her prints and the littlesculpture she bought in India: I look at the bag and think, Jesus, this is howmuch she doesn't want to live with me.
We hug at the front door, and she's crying a little.
"I don't really know what I'm doing," she says.
"I can see that," I say, which is sort of a joke and sort of not. "You don'thave to go now. You can stay until whenever."
"Thanks. But we've done the hard part now. I might as well, you know . . ."
"Well, stay for tonight, then."
But she just grimaces, and reaches for the door handle.
It's a clumsy exit. She hasn't got a free hand, but she tries to open the dooranyway and can't, so I do it for her, but I'm in the way, so I have to gothrough on to the landing to let her out, and she has to prop the door openbecause I haven't got a key, and I have to squeeze back past her to catch thedoor before it shuts behind her. And that's it.
I regret to say that this great feeling, part liberation and part nervousexcitement, enters me somewhere around my toes and sweeps through me in a greatwave. I have felt this before, and I know it doesn't mean that much-confusingly,for example, it doesn't mean that I'm going to feel ecstatically happy for thenext few weeks. But I do know that I should work with it, enjoy it while itlasts.
This is how I commemorate my return to the Kingdom of the Single: I sit down inmy chair, the one that will stay here with me, and pick bits of the stuffing outof the arm; I light a cigarette, even though it is still early and I don'treally feel like one, simply because I am now free to smoke in the flat wheneverI want, without rows; I wonder whether I have already met the next person I willsleep with, or whether it will be someone currently unknown to me; I wonder whatshe looks like, and whether we'll do it here, or at her place, and what thatplace will be like; I decide to have a Chess Records logo painted on the sittingroom wall. (There was a shop in Camden that had them all-Chess, Stax, Motown,Trojan-stenciled onto thebrickwork beside the entrance, and it looked brilliant.Maybe I could get hold of the guy who did that and ask him to do smallerversions here.) I feel OK. I feel good. I go to work.
My shop is called Championship Vinyl. I sell punk, blues, soul, and R&B, a bitof ska, some indie stuff, some sixties pop-everything for the serious recordcollector, as the ironically old-fashioned writing in the window says. We're ina quiet street in Holloway, carefully placed to attract the bare minimum ofwindow-shoppers; there's no reason to come here at all, unless you live here,and the people that live here don't seem terribly interested in my Stiff LittleFingers white label (twenty-five quid to you-I paid seventeen for it in 1986) ormy mono copy of Blonde on Blonde.
I get by because of the people who make a special effort to shop hereSaturdays-young men, always young men, with John Lennon specs and leatherjackets and armfuls of square carrier bags-and because of the mail order: Iadvertise in the back of the glossy rock magazines, and get letters from youngmen, always young men, in Manchester and Glasgow and Ottowa, young men who seemto spend a disproportionate amount of their time looking for deleted Smithssingles and "ORIGINAL NOT RERELEASED" underlined Frank Zappa albums. They're asclose to being mad as makes no difference.
I'm late to work, and when I get there Dick is already leaning against the doorreading a book. He's thirty-one years old, with long, greasy black hair; he'swearing a Sonic Youth T-shirt, a black leather jacket that is trying manfully tosuggest that it has seen better days, even though he only bought it a year ago,and a Walkman with a pair of ludicrously large headphones which obscure not onlyhis ears but half his face. The book is a paperback biography of Lou Reed. Thecarrier bag by his feet-which really has seen better days-advertises a violentlyfashionable American independent record label; he went to a great deal oftrouble to get hold of it, and he gets very nervous when we go anywhere near it.He uses it to carry tapes around; he has heard most of the music in the shop,and would rather bring new stuff to work-tapes from friends, bootlegs he hasordered through the post-than waste his time listening to anything for a secondtime. ("Want to come to the pub for lunch, Dick?" Barry or I ask him a couple oftimes a week. He looks mournfully at his little stack of cassettes and sighs."I'd love to, but I've got all these to get through.")
"Good morning, Richard."
He fumbles nervously with the giant headphones, gets one side stuck around hisear, and the other side falls over one eye.
"Oh, hi. Hi, Rob."
"Sorry I'm late."
"No, no problem."
I unlock the shop as he scrabbles around for his stuff.
"All right, yeah, OK. I found the first Liquorice Comfits album in Camden. Theone on Testament of Youth. It was never released here. Japanese import only."
"Great." I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
"I'll tape it for you."
"'Cos you liked their second one, you said. Pop, girls, etc. The one with HattieJacques on the cover. You didn't see the cover, though. You just had the tape Idid for you."
I'm sure he did tape a Liquorice Comfits album for me, and I'm sure I said Iliked it, too. My flat is full of tapes Dick has made me, most of which I'venever played.
"How about you, anyway? Your weekend? Any good? No good?"
I cannot imagine what kind of conversation we'd have if I were to tell Dickabout my weekend. He'd probably just crumble to dust if I explained that Laurahad left. Dick's not big on that sort of thing; in fact, if I were ever toconfess anything of a remotely personal nature-that I had a mother and father,say, or that I'd been to school when I was younger-I reckon he'd just blush, andstammer, and ask if I'd heard the new Lemonheads album.
"Somewhere in between. Good bits and bad bits."
He nods. This is obviously the right answer.
The shop smells of stale smoke, damp, and plastic dustcovers, and it's narrowand dingy and dirty and overcrowded, partly because that's what I wanted-this iswhat record shops should look like, and only Phil Collins's fans bother withthose that look as clean and wholesome as a suburban Habitat-and partly becauseI can't get it together to clean or redecorate it.
There are browser racks on each side, and a couple more in the window, and CDsand cassettes on the walls in glass cases, and that's more or less the size ofit; it's just about big enough, provided we don't get any customers, so mostdays it's just about big enough. The stockroom at the back is bigger than theshop part in the front, but we have no stock, really, just a few piles ofsecondhand records that nobody can be bothered to price up, so the stockroom ismostly for messing about in. I'm sick of the sight of the place, to be honest.Some days I'm afraid I'll go berserk, rip the Elvis Costello mobile down fromthe ceiling, throw the "Country Artists (Male) A-K" rack out into the street, gooff to work in a Virgin Megastore, and never come back.
Dick puts a record on, some West Coast psychedelic thing, and makes us somecoffee while I go through the post; and then we drink the coffee; and then hetries to stuff some records into the bulging, creaking browser racks while Iparcel up a couple of mail orders; and then I have a look at the Guardian quickcrossword while he reads some American import rock magazine; then he has a lookat the Guardian quick crossword while I read the American import magazine; andbefore we know it, it's my turn to make the coffee.
At about half-past eleven, an Irish drunk called Johnny stumbles in. He comes tosee us about three times a week, and his visits have become choreographed andscripted routines that neither he nor I would want to change. In a hostile andunpredictable world, we rely on each other to provide something to count on.
"Fuck off, Johnny," I tell him.
"So my money's no good to you?" he says.
"You haven't got any money. And we haven't got anything that you want to buy."
This is his cue to launch into an enthusiastic rendition of Dana's "All Kinds ofEverything," which is my cue to come out from behind the counter and lead himback toward the door, which is his cue to hurl himself at one of the browserracks, which is my cue to open the door with one hand, loosen his grip on therack with the other, and push him out. We devised these moves a couple of yearsago, so we've got them off pat now.
Johnny is our only prelunch customer. This isn't a job for the wildly ambitious.Barry doesn't show up until after lunch, which isn't unusual. Both Dick andBarry were employed to work part-time, three days each, but shortly after I'dtaken them on they both started turning up every day, including Saturdays. Ididn't know what to do about it-if they really had nowhere else to go andnothing else to do, I didn't want to, you know, draw attention to it, in case itprompted some sort of spiritual crisis-so I upped their money a bit and left itat that. Barry interpreted the pay rise as a signal to cut his hours back, so Ihaven't given him one since. That was four years ago, and he's never saidanything about it.
He comes into the shop humming a Clash riff. Actually, "humming" is the wrongword: he's making that guitar noise that all little boys make, the one where youstick your lips out, clench your teeth and go "DA-DA!" Barry is thirty-threeyears old.
"Awlright boys? Hey, Dick, what's this music, man? It stinks." He makes a faceand holds his nose. "Phwooar."
Barry intimidates Dick, to the extent that Dick rarely says a word when Barry isin the shop. I only get involved when Barry is being really offensive, so I justwatch Dick reach for the hi-fi on the shelf above the counter and turn thecassette off.
"Thank fuck for that. You're like a child, Dick. You need watching all the time.I don't know why I should have to do it all, though. Rob, didn't you notice whathe was putting on? What are you playing at, man?"
He talks relentlessly, and more or less everything he says is gibberish. Hetalks a lot about music, but also a lot about books (Terry Pratchett andanything else which features monsters, planets, and so on), and films, andwomen. Pop, girls, etc., as the Liquorice Comfits said. But his conversation issimply enumeration: if he has seen a good film, he will not describe the plot,or how it made him feel, but where it ranks in his best-of-year list, hisbest-of-all-time list, his best-of-decade list-he thinks and talks in tens andfives, and as a consequence, Dick and I do too. And he makes us write lists aswell, all the time: "OK, guys. Top five Dustin Hoffman films." Or guitar solos,or records made by blind musicians, or Gerry and Sylvia Anderson shows ("I don'tbelieve you've got Captain Scarlet at number one, Dick. The guy was immortal!What's fun about that?"), or sweets that come in jars ("If either of you havegot Rhubarb and Custard in the top five, I'm resigning now.").
Barry puts his hand into his leather jacket pocket, produces a tape, puts it inthe machine, and jacks up the volume. Within seconds the shop is shaking to thebass line of "Walking on Sunshine," by Katrina and the Waves. It's February.It's cold. It's wet. Laura has gone. I don't want to hear "Walking on Sunshine."Somehow it doesn't fit my mood.
"Turn it off, Barry." I have to shout, like a lifeboat captain in a gale.
"It won't go up any more."
"I didn't say 'up,' you fuckwit. I said 'off."'
He laughs, and walks through into the stockroom, shouting out the horn parts:"Da DA! da da da da da-da da-da-da-da." I turn it off myself, and Barry comesback into the shop.
"What are you doing?"
"I don't want to hear 'Walking on Sunshine'!"
"That's my new tape. My Monday morning tape. I made it last night, specially."
"Yeah, well, it's fucking Monday afternoon. You should get out of bed earlier."
"And you'd have let me play it this morning, would you?"
"No. But at least this way I've got an excuse."
"Don't you want something to cheer you up? Bring a bit of warmth to yourmiserable middle-aged bones?"
"What do you want to hear when you're pissed off then?"
"I don't know. Not 'Walking on Sunshine,' for a start."
"OK, I'll wind it on."
"'Little Latin Lupe Lu."'
"Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels?" Dick asks.
"No. The Righteous Brothers." You can hear the defensiveness in Barry's voice.He has obviously never heard the Mitch Ryder version.
"Oh. Oh well. Never mind." Dick would never go so far as to tell Barry that he'smessed up, but the implication is clear.
"What?" says Barry, bristling.
"No, come on. What's wrong with the Righteous Brothers?"
"Nothing. I just prefer the other one," says Dick mildly.
"How can it be bollocks to state a preference?" I ask.
"If it's the wrong preference, it's bollocks."
Dick shrugs and smiles.
"What? What? What's that smug smile for?"
"Leave him alone, Barry. It doesn't matter. We're not listening to fucking'Little Latin Lupe Lu' anyway, so give it a rest."
"Since when did this shop become a fascist regime?"
"Since you brought that terrible tape in."
"All I'm trying to do is cheer us up. That's all. Very sorry. Go and put someold sad bastard music on, see if I care."
"I don't want old sad bastard music on either. I just want something I canignore."
"Great. That's the fun thing about working in a record shop, isn't it? Playingthings that you don't want to listen to. I thought this tape was going to be,you know, a talking point. I was going to ask you for your top five records toplay on a wet Monday morning and all that, and you've gone and ruined it."
"We'll do it next Monday."
"What's the point of that?"
And so on, and on, probably for the rest of my working life.
I'd like to do a top five records that make you feel nothing at all; that way,Dick and Barry would be doing me a favor. Me, I'll be playing the Beatles when Iget home. Abbey Road, probably, although I'll program the CD to skip over"Something." The Beatles were bubblegum cards and Help at the Saturday morningcinema and toy plastic guitars and singing "Yellow Submarine" at the top of myvoice in the back row of the coach on school trips. They belong to me, not to meand Laura, or me and Charlie, or me and Alison Ashworth, and though they'll makeme feel something, they won't make me feel anything bad.