The pain changes everything. It makes it hard to speak, difficult to concentrate, nearly impossible to stay human. It crowds every other kind of thought out of your brain.
Now, it's not like I wasn't warned. My doctors told me the recovery from the surgery would be long and difficult. And after all, I chose to do the surgery. But thinking about it ahead of time, and experiencing it for real, are two very different things.
About a year or so ago, when we first started the blog, someone asked if cancer hurts. I have to say that up until now I've been lucky. The pain I have felt has been the result of treatments and procedures. But that kind of pain is just as real and just as difficult. I know that so many of you are facing your own pain, physical or mental.
For some reason, the pain medications don't seem to be very effective for my pain. We're not sure why, but we're looking for new possibilities. Nighttime is the worst. Lying watching the minutes tick by. Hoping that when you finally do fall asleep, you'll wake up three or four days later and the pain will be gone. But, of course, that's not going to happen.
I know that what I'm going through now was worth it. I know that without this surgery I very likely would have died within a matter of months. So all I can do now is what all of you do. Fight like hell to get through the next day.
The answer to that old question, does cancer hurt? That's an easy one.