When we heard there was a Pop-Tarts restaurant opening in Times Square, we had questions. One: Why? Two: How do we get their horrifying dishes to us in Chicago? They told us their sandwiches wouldn't travel well through the mail, but they sent us some raw materials and we made our own, based on their recipes.
First, "Ants on a Log." That's the celery, peanut butter, and raisins classic, with crumbled-up Pop-Tarts in place of the raisins...
Ian: Helpful tip for parents: this is great if you're having a hard time getting your kids to eat their Pop-Tarts.
Mike: Somewhere Jerry Seinfeld’s wife just plagiarized another author’s grave to roll over in.
Then, the "Fluffer Butter": two fudge Pop-Tarts sandwiching Marshmallow Fluff...
Mike: I'm really glad we're using the Marshmallow Fluff from the set of Mad Men.
Eva: Really tasty. Like s'mores, without the graham cracker or camping.
Ian: Man, Times Square must be even worse now, what with the hordes of six-year-olds flooding out of Pop-Tarts World with Sugar Rabies.
And finally, "Pop-Tart Sushi," ground-up Wild Grape Pop-Tarts rolled up in a Fruit Roll-Up (we used a fruit leather, because I couldn't find Fruit Roll-Ups at my corner grocery. This is not how my grandmother made Pop-Tart Sushi in her day.) ...
Ian prepares the sushi using the ancient technique known as "cognitive dissonance."
Ian: It's weird we're using grape Pop-Tarts for the sushi when Eel Pop-Tarts are widely available, but whatever.
Mike: I'm really excited to try this because I've only ever had Pop-Tarts Sashimi.
Eva: Depending on how you feel about Pop-Tarts, this is either like a rainbow exploded in heaven or a rainbow exploded in hell.