A weekend installment of the online play-at-home news quiz.
1.) Many Republicans want Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey to run for President, even though he keeps saying no. Which of these is an actual Christie denial?
A) "If you gave me the Presidency, I would send it back like an undercooked steak."
B) "What do I have to do, short of suicide, to convince people I'm not running?"
C) "If it were possible to 'walk for president,' maybe, but I'm not that strong a runner.
D) "Anything Mitt Romney wants to do, isn't worth doing."
2.) For his part, Mitt Romney compared himself favorably to his rivals for the nomination, saying that unlike them, he did not have ... what?
A) "Adele's newest album"
B) "A political career"
C) "A job that'll distract me from running"
3.) According to a volunteer medic working at the Occupy Wall Street protests in lower Manhattan, one of the most common injuries suffered by the protestors is what?
A) Headaches from bad vibes
B) Blisters from playing bongos
C) Henna poisoning
D) Acai berry juice overdosing
4.) Andy Rooney announced his retirement from 60 Minutes this week. Which of these was a real subject of one of his television essays?
A) How many mixed nuts, exactly, do you find in a can of mixed nuts?
B) What do you call those things on the end of your shoelaces?
C) Have you ever noticed that you can breathe with both your mouth AND your nose?
D) What's that spot on my tie?
5.) Gov. Nikki Haley of South Carolina, like many governors, is dealing with high unemployment and shrinking resources ... so she's ordered state employees to do what?
A) Text constituents rather than waste time and money calling them
B) Cater all official events with their own good home cookin'
C) Attack and reclaim North Carolina.
D) Answer the phone with the greeting, "It's a great day in South Carolina!"
6.) According to the New York Post, what's the latest sign people don't have any money?
A) Their bank statements
B) Hot Pocket sales have skyrocketed.
C) They're not buying cocaine.
D) They're not buying pumpkin spice lattes like they did last year.
7.) Hallmark recently announced it would start selling a new theme of card for people going through what?
A) Hair loss
C) The Holland Tunnel
D) Downton Abbey withdrawals
8) The CW network announced it's going to bring Hollywood glitz and glamour to a classic party game with what new reality competition?
A) Pin the Tail on the Real Donkey
B) Extreme Musical Chairs
C) Simon Cowell Says
D) Deadliest Tether Ball
9.) Massachusetts School Committee Chairman Russell Fitzgerald likes to break the ice at boring meetings with a magic trick. But few enjoyed his latest — when at a televised meeting he made what disappear?
A) The school's annual budget
B) His pants
C) The superintendent's elderly mother
D) A teacher's bra
10.) There's a wildly experimental exercise trend sweeping the world — what is it?
B) Laugh yoga
C) Naked curling
D) Speed sleeping
11.) According to a recent British survey, when they get dumped, the majority of women do what?
A) Eat entire gallons of Haagen-Dazs Mint Swirl Ice Cream
B) Spend $850 on "revenge makeovers"
C) Buy some more cats
D) Destroy their friends' relationships so they'll have some company
12.) A Florida ice cream shop is getting complaints after one of their employees dressed as a vanilla ice cream cone was mistaken for what?
A) Mitt Romney
B) A real ice cream cone
C) A member of the Ku Klux Klan.
D) A hamburger
1.) Answer, B: "What do I have to do, short of suicide, to convince people I'm not running?" Gov. Christie has also said that the desire to be President "just isn't inside me." It seems to be the only thing that is not inside him.
2.) Answer, B: "A political career." It's true Romney doesn't have a "political career" mainly because the people of Massachusetts and the national Republican party didn't vote for him three times out of his four attempts to win statewide or national office.
3.) Answer, B: Blisters from playing bongos. The medic told the Wall Street Journal that he treats mostly bongo blisters and chapped feet from wearing wet socks. He didn't mention the protestors who were pepper sprayed by the NYPD ... that was just seasoning.
4.) Answer, A: How many mixed nuts, exactly, do you find in a can of mixed nuts? In case you were wondering, there were exactly 83 peanut halves in the can Andy analyzed.
5.) Answer, D: Answer the phone with the greeting, "It's a great day in South Carolina!" Prior to her order, the only South Carolina state employees who answered the phone that way worked in the Department of Patently False Statements. Other regional governments have adopted the method: "It's a Great Day For Your Grandchildren to Finally Visit in Florida!" "It's a great day for baseball in Boston!"
6.) Answer, C: They're not buying cocaine. When times are good, people are more likely to spend money on luxury goods, like cocaine, and prostitutes to snort it off of. But in recessionary times like these, people only spend money on necessities, like food, and prostitutes to eat it off of.
7.) Answer, B: Unemployment. People who get laid off become sad, thinking, "I don't have a job." Then they get one of Hallmark's new condolence for the unemployed cards, and then they think, "I don't have a job, and whoever came up with this does."
8.) Answer, B: Extreme Musical Chairs. Children's party games are the latest fad in reality TV. Also coming soon, "The Human Pinata" with the slogan ... Keep hitting him ... there's candy in there somewhere?
9.) Answer, D: A teacher's bra. Mr. Fitzgerald invited the Massachusetts 2011 Teacher of the Year up to the front, and with big "abra-ca-Wildly inappropriate-bra" he made it look like he'd taken her bra off. He's now at work on a new trick: pulling a sexual harassment lawyer out of a hat.
10.) Answer, B: Laugh yoga. Anyone can do laugh yoga — all you're doing is laughing ... plus it's a great way to cover for yourself when you're in your regular Yoga class and the guy in front of you looks hilarious in his warrior pose. "No offense, man, just doing some laugh yoga."
11.) Answer, B: Spend $850 on "revenge makeovers." Newly single ladies need to get their hair and nails done, buy some new clothes and shoes, join a gym and pay Joseph Gordon-Levitt to accompany them at all times in case they run into their ex on the street.
12.) Answer, C: A member of the Ku Klux Klan. Picture this — a man wearing a tall white hood on his head waving to you outside an ice cream shop ... So of course you're like, Oh how nice, David Duke wants me to have an ice cream. Owners of the Ice Cream Family Corner store noticed a significant drop in business after the cone mascot went to work and have decided to replace him with a mascot known as the Nutzee Sympathizer.