1.) This week, as President Obama was shaking hands with a crowd of people in Virginia, one man seemed to be much more interested in doing what?
A) Texting on his Smartphone
B) Showing off his awesome karate moves
C) Reading the latest Twilight novel
D) Shaking hands with a Colonel Sanders impersonator, also in attendance
2.) A truck carrying President Obama's what was stolen in Richmond, Virginia this week?
A) Favorite blue slacks
B) Dave Matthews bootlegs
D) Vice President
3.) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia issued a firm but typically conservative opinion this week on what dispute?
A) Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie
B) Deep Dish vs. Thin Crust
C) Bush vs. Gore, again
D) Spy vs. Spy
4.) According to new scientific study, people with a lot of Facebook friends have bigger what?
A) Stamp collections
C) Pet tarantulas
5.) As the Occupy Wall Street protests continue, one character has become a symbol of the protests and a favorite among OWS supporters ... who?
A) The Hipster Cop
B) Fidel Catro, The Communist Cat
C) The Gamine Guerilla
D) The Human Megaphone
6.) In a new memoir by Diane Keaton, the actress reveals she fell for Woody Allen because of what?
A) His luscious head of hair
B) His great body
C) His incessant self-loathing
D) His natural musk
7.) John Travolta was reportedly snubbed last weekend in England when he tried to do ... what?
A) Make Look Who's Talking Three
B) Refer to a flashlight as a "torch"
C) Reserve a table at KFC
D) Order bangers without mash
8.) The makers of a new film about the 1983 kidnapping of Dutch beer baron Freddy Heineken are being sued by whom?
A) Boise dentist Teddy Heineken who claims the film is confusing his patients
B) The kidnapper, who says it will harm his reputation
C) The Dutch Temperance League, who say it will encourage beer drinking
D) Another group of kidnappers, who say the film steals their patented kidnapping techniques
1.) Answer, A: Texting on his smartphone. According to pool reports, the man was intently texting on his phone, looked up, noticed the President, shook his hand, and went back to texting. The message he finished sending was, "Nothing much. How about you?"
2.) Answer, C: Teleprompters. The white truck, which was later recovered, was believed to be carrying $200,000 worth of the president's teleprompters and podiums. While the truck was missing, the president was seen frantically scanning the walls around him for something to read.
3.) Answer, B: Deep Dish vs. Thin Crust. At an event in Chicago this week, Scalia professed to like Deep Dish, but, as per the original intent of pizza makers, insisted that it not be called "pizza" but instead "tomato pie." He also said that tearing a pizza apart and swallowing it is not to be considered "cruel and unusual."
4.) Answer, D: Brains. A study published this week in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society found that people with a lot of Facebook friends have denser gray matter in parts of the brain related to social cognition. They deduced this by looking at all the pictures on Facebook of enormous brains dead drunk at frat parties.
5.) Answer, A: The Hipster Cop. Detective Rick Lee of the First Precinct in Manhattan has become famous among the protestors because of his hipster glasses and skinny pants. He says as a sworn officer he will enforce the law, but will be doing so only as an ironic gesture.
6.) Answer, B: His great body. In her memoir Then Again, Keaton writes, "He was even better-looking in real life. He had a great body, and he was physically very graceful."
7.) Answer, C: Reserve a table at KFC. According to London's Daily Mail newspaper, Travolta asked his assistant to book a table at a KFC in West Sussex. A disbelieving KFC employee told the group to "queue at the front like everyone else" at which point Travolta threatened to swear off Famous Bowls forever.
8.) Answer, B: The kidnapper, who says it will harm his reputation. Willem Holleeder, who was convicted of the kidnapping and is currently in jail for other crimes, says the film will damage his reputation, especially because the role of "Willem Holleeder" is played by Lindsay Lohan.