1.) Aides to Presidential candidate Herman Cain were instructed via email that they must:
A) Never speak to him unless spoken to
B) Always address him as "Mr. President"
C) Know the lyrics to Islands in the Stream, in the event Mr. Cain wants to duet at any time
D) Never feed him after midnight
2.) There were reports of dissention among Occupy Wall Street protesters this week over what issue?
A) Tofurky wine-pairings
B) Diction of the human megaphone
C) Time limits on drums circles
D) Correct pronunciation of the phrase 'Petit-bourgeois'
3.) The Newspaper Association of America is launching a bold new campaign to tell potential readers that newspapers are ... what?
B) Kind of big deal
D) Kind of like the Internet
4.) According to an analysis by Business Insider, what group has contributed more than $6 billion to the economy?
D) The Gang of Six: guys who each contributed $1 billion to the economy
5.) The Chinese government announced this week it's going to start limiting public access to TV shows that ... what?
A) Are overly entertaining
B) Feature Rosie O'Donnell
C) Are set in unrealistically large New York apartments
D) Use laugh tracks
6.) A British police investigation of a mysterious object hovering over a man's house ended with the discovery that it was what?
A) His next door neighbor's 56-inch TV screen
B) His wife
C) A giant Dora the Explorer parade float
D) The moon
7.) Fashion models must have long legs, flat tummies and razor sharp cheekbones, but some fashion directors are looking for something extra in their models these days ... what?
A) Really gorgeous earlobes
B) Very sexy armpits
C) Thick calluses on the hands and feet
D) A great personality. Just kidding, it's one of the other ones.
8.) History was made at this year's Scrabble World Championships in Poland when one of the players demanded that his opponent be what?
D) Scrubbed with a loofa
9.) In response to a growing threat across the region, New England lawmakers have begun a crackdown on counterfeit what?
A) Maple syrup
B) Boston accents
C) L.L. Bean parkas
10.) In order to better empathize with his clients, a personal trainer in Utah has decided to do what?
A) Wear spandex pants way too small for him
B) Gain 70 pounds in six months
C) Buy lots of expensive workout gear and never wear it
D) Visit the gym just to sit and watch bad TV
11.) On Nov. 5 a British auction house is auctioning off something that once belonged to John Lennon ... his what?
A) Back molar
B) Head louse
C) Tighty whities
D) Partially eaten Scotch egg
12.) A new product called Food Finish allows diners to do what to their food?
A) Spray it gold
B) Make it taste like chicken
C) Double its size
D) Chew it up and spit it into a tiny bird's mouth
1.) Answer, A: Never speak to him unless spoken to. Aides were instructed by email not to speak to the candidate unless spoken to. This is difficult, because Cain likes to tease them by saying, "What do you think about the fact that I'm not speaking to you right now?"
2.) Answer, C: Time limits on drums circles. The drummers at Zuccotti Park wanted to bang on their drums all day, but the protestors' governing body tried to limit them to two hours. A drum circler reacted, "They are becoming the government we're trying to protest!" The anti-drumming faction then accused the drummers of being in the pocket of Big Bongo.
3.) Answer, C: Sexy. According to this story — which we got from the Internet — The Newspaper Association of America campaign uses the line, "Being smart is sexy," and reading newspapers is a good way to get smart. Coincidentally, this paper is introducing its Old Gray Lady line of lingerie.
4.) Answer, B: Zombies. With Zombie movies, games, books and TV shows creating so much wealth, the government is doing what they can to help this new class of job creators: the president wants a stimulus program to outfit zombies with their own shotguns, so they can fight back. The Republicans of course, want to abolish the death tax.
5.) Answer, A: Are overly entertaining. With nothing really good on TV, the government hopes that people will choose to spend their time contributing to society rather than watch something called Dancing with the Actuaries. After the anti-entertainment reforms are in place, Chinese viewers will only be able to see educational programs, government propaganda, and PBS.
6.) Answer, D: The moon. The bewildered man, apparently new to the concept of "outside," called to report a huge object hovering overhead and said quote "lights were blazing." He eventually figured out it was the moon, but was later alarmed when he noticed a strange man standing in his bathroom mirror.
7.) Answer, B: Very sexy armpits. Says an unnamed modeling insider quoted — or more likely just made up — by London's Daily Mail: "There's a definite trend of armpit posing at the moment."
8.) Answer, C: Strip-searched. Thailand's player Chollapat Itthi-Aree, whose name is worth 150 points, wanted the refs to go looking in his opponent's three-letter word for the missing G tile.
9.) Answer, A: Maple syrup. The Maple Agriculture Protection and Law Enforcement Act has the backing of New York and Vermont Democrats, as well as many other white people.
10.) Answer, B: Gain 70 pounds in six months. For six months Utah fitness trainer Drew Manning stopped exercising and ate "the typical American diet of chips, juice, cereal, soda, and pizza." Now that he's obese like the rest of us, he's going to see how hard it is to do all those pushups when you've got a Hostess Sno-Ball in each hand.
11.) Answer, A: Back molar. Omega Auction House in England is auctioning off one of John Lennon's back molars on November 5. This is both exciting for fans and also just gross.
12.) Answer, A: Spray it gold. Food Finish spray is edible spray paint that you can use to gild your food to make it look more expensive. Plus, it's completely healthy, with all natural ingredients like ethyl alcohol, artificial flavorings, E943a and E943b.