Who's Carl This Time? Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: Shady traders take the stand; Arizona asks to see your papers, and beware of little green men.
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Who's Carl This Time?

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Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

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Carl reads three quotes from the week's news: Shady traders take the stand; Arizona asks to see your papers, and beware of little green men.

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and Chicago Public Radio, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you so much, Carl.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. You're too kind. We have got a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to one Jerry Weintraub - who claims, in his new memoir, to have managed Elvis, Sinatra, Led Zeppelin and Bob Dylan, plus produced the movies "Nashville" and "The Karate Kid." Right. We expect him to confess he made it all up just to impress some girls. He probably really works in IT.

B: 1-888-Wait Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

M: Hi, This is Melissa in Laramie, Wyoming.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Laramie?

M: Kind of chilly. We're at 7,200 feet, and spring comes late.

SAGAL: I understand. I once spent an interesting evening in Laramie, desperately trying to find a place to sleep, late at night.

M: Oh.

SAGAL: It worked out OK. But...

M: Soon to be a major motion picture, "One Night in Laramie."

SAGAL: Laramie.

M: Produced by Jerry Weintraub.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Melissa, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to an actor and comedian and Second City alum, Mr. Keegan-Michael Key.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hey, Melissa.

M: Hi.

SAGAL: Next is the woman behind the advice column "Ask Amy," and author of the memoir, "The Mighty Queens of Freeville," Ms. Amy Dickinson.

M: Hi, Amy.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hey. Hi, Melissa.

SAGAL: Finally, it's a humorist and author, most recently of "Alphabet Juice," Mr. Roy Blount Jr.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hi, Roy.

M: Hi, Melissa.

SAGAL: Melissa, welcome to the show. You're going to play "Who's Carl This Time?" Of course, Carl is going to start us off with three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course - identify or explain it two times out of three. Do that and you win our prize, Carl's voice on your home voicemail. Ready to play?

M: I'm ready.

SAGAL: Here we go. Here is your first quote.

KASELL: I have managed to sell a few bonds to widows and orphans that I ran into at the airport.

SAGAL: That was from an email sent by a man named Fabrice Tourre. He was one of the bankers at what firm, who had to defend himself in front of Congress this week?

M: It must be Goldman Sachs.

SAGAL: That is right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Absolutely.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: You know what I loved about that?

SAGAL: What was your favorite part of the hearing?

M: When, you know, they're sitting there talking about financial tools and I'm thinking, financial tools? Yeah, look in the mirror.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: And I just like - I'm from Michigan, so I was very proud of Carl Levin. Because when's the last time anyone's dropped any kind of bomb, F, S- bomb, D-bomb, anything in session like that. I thought that was great.

SAGAL: It was pretty crazy.

M: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, what happened was - is that he, of course, was quoting from one of their own emails.

M: Right, right, right, right, right.

SAGAL: And he just kept quoting, using their vulgar terms. We can't say it because we're above the standards of the U.S. Senate.

M: Of course, right.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But we'll say that he referred to poopy deals.

M: Poopy deals.

SAGAL: Poopy deals.

M: Nobody has said one word that many times since Allen Iverson, when Allen Iverson...

SAGAL: Yeah.

M: Practice.

SAGAL: Practice.

M: You all practice stealing from people. You just go, oh, it's practice. You have to practice stealing. Practice.

M: They call him Fabulous Fab.

SAGAL: Well what happened, I should explain, is that there was a Senate Subcommittee on Permanent Investigations. They had these guys from Goldman Sachs. And, you know, they can't do anything to them. They can't bring charges, the Senate can't. So, but they just tried to shame them.

M: Right.

SAGAL: But it turns out the shame is bred out of them in their breeding tanks under the Federal Reserve.

M: Right. There's no shame to be had.

SAGAL: You know, so they just sat there, stared at the Senate. And they explained - this was more or less their excuse - you can't blame us if people were stupid enough to trust us. That's what they said. And the senators responded, hey, you know, that's not bad. And they went out to campaign on that slogan this fall.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, it's true, I could tell the bankers were not particularly pleased because they left without leaving their traditional 20 percent tip for Congress.

M: Yes, right.

M: Whoa, whoa.

M: That's a little high for Congress.

SAGAL: Here is your next quote.

KASELL: If you don't change your immigration policy, I will have to stop drinking your enjoyable brand of iced tea.

SAGAL: That was from Twitter. It was one angry woman's reaction to the new immigration policy where?

M: In Arizona.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Arizona passed a law requiring police to check the immigrant status of anyone they quote, lawfully encounter, who they suspect might be illegal. Now, what might make the police think somebody is illegal? Not their skin color or accent, oh no. That would be racial profiling. Instead, police will be looking for people who seem really homesick.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Writing postcards.

SAGAL: Exactly.

M: Right.

SAGAL: Just standing there looking into the distance going, hmm.

M: Oh, if only.

M: In Arizona, you should probably not go to a policeman and ask for directions.

SAGAL: No.

M: Right. That's out.

M: Yeah.

SAGAL: One defender of the bill, a California congressman named Brian Bilbray, said, no, you know, it's not about the skin color or anything else. You can tell people are illegal by the way they dress. That's what he said. And he's right, of course, because as we all know, they often wear T-shirts that say: I'm with Undocumented. Or here's a favorite: My Mother Smuggled Me Across the Sonoran Desert and All I Got was A Low-Paying Job You People Don't Want.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: You know, I think I heard - isn't like, the entire city of San Francisco talking about...

M: They're...

SAGAL: Yes.

M: ...boycotting Arizona?

SAGAL: Well, that's the thing.

M: That's going to hurt.

SAGAL: A number of people, including the city of San Francisco, are considering a boycott. By the way, Arizona Iced Tea, made in Long Island. Ironically, Long Island Iced Tea comes from a reservoir under Tempe. But...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last quote.

KASELL: They would be looking to conquer and colonize. The outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans.

SAGAL: That was famed physicist Stephen Hawking. He surprised everybody this week when he warned that we really shouldn't be spending so much energy trying to contact whom?

M: Hmm. Was he talking about aliens?

SAGAL: He was talking about aliens.

M: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Apparently, Stephen Hawking has been so busy discovering the secrets of the universe that he just got around to watching the movie "Independence Day." And apparently, it freaked him out. He's warning us like, hide from the aliens. His reasoning is any alien race advanced enough to get here are going to be to us as we are to, say, those gnats that you find in your radiator grills after a drive. It's like, oh, I didn't know they were out here, look at that.

M: And you can tell aliens by how they're dressed.

SAGAL: That's true.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Right, right, right.

SAGAL: Well our only hope for survival is if the aliens land in Arizona.

M: Right.

M: Right. Because they're going to be taken care of.

SAGAL: Immediately arrested.

M: Right.

SAGAL: Sent on back. Now if the aliens do come, we've been thinking about it, we have some options. One thing we could do is, we could build a whole bunch of fake spaceships and park them. And then when the aliens come, we can pretend we just got here ourselves. And we're like, yeah, I don't who these guys were who totally trashed this place. When they come back, let's get together and get them.

M: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Melissa do on our quiz?

KASELL: Melissa had three correct answers, Peter. That means she wins our prize.

M: Yay.

SAGAL: Well done.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

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