Who's Carl This Time? Carl reads three quotes from the week's news. This week: what we're hearing about the hearings, a coalition across the pond, and a solution that's really just a bunch of garbage.
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Who's Carl This Time?

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Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

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Carl reads three quotes from the week's news. This week: what we're hearing about the hearings, a coalition across the pond, and a solution that's really just a bunch of garbage.

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and Chicago Public Radio, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you so much. Thank you everybody.

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SAGAL: Thank you. Thank you everybody. We do have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be playing "Not My Job" with Ice-T, the rapper and actor, famous for a lot of things. Recently, of course, his role the last 10 years on "Law Order: SVU." We are hoping, in addition to our quiz, to be able to pitch him on our idea for a TV show, "Law Order NPR"...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...in which we solve crimes and then encourage the still traumatized but grateful victims to pledge at any level...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...because that's when they're vulnerable. We've got some questions for you, though, so give us a call. The number: 1-888-924-8924, that's 1-888-Wait-Wait. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

M: Hi, this is Craig Fairbrother from Pittsboro, North Carolina.

SAGAL: Hey, Craig, how are you?

M: Doing just fine, Peter.

SAGAL: I'm glad to hear it. Now where's Pittsboro?

M: It's about 10 miles south of where you did your show about the local flora and fauna, with highlights on the local weasel.

SAGAL: Wait a minute, I know what you mean. You're near Chapel Hill, where we did our show last year. And by the local weasel, I assume you mean Mr. John Edwards.

M: Right.

SAGAL: That's the guy.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Pittsboro's about 10 miles south of Chapel Hill.

SAGAL: I see. I'm sure his doghouse is so large you can see it from there.

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SAGAL: Well, Craig, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our great panel this week. First, say hello to a humorist and the author, most recently of "Alphabet Juice," Mr. Roy Blount Jr.

M: Hi, Roy.

M: Hey, how you doing?

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the woman behind the advice column "Ask Amy" and author of the memoir "The Mighty Queens of Freeville," I mean Ms. Amy Dickinson.

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M: Hey, Amy.

M: Hi.

SAGAL: And lastly, a comedienne whose first CD, "I Heart Jokes" is available now. Plus, she is performing at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey, on June 19th. Go see her but listen to her now, Paula Poundstone.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hi, Paula.

M: Hey.

SAGAL: Craig, you're going to start us off, of course, with a round of "Who's Carl This Time?" Carl Kasell has been preparing all week to re-create for you voices from the week's news. Your job, identify or explain two of them. Do that, you win our prize. Ready to play?

M: Ready.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KASELL: The hearings are a vapid and hollow charade, in which repetition of platitudes has replaced discussion of viewpoint.

SAGAL: That was somebody, 15 years ago, criticizing Supreme Court nomination hearings. Well, she's going to have to pretend to like them now. Who is it?

M: That's Elena Kagan.

SAGAL: It is Elena Kagan, very well done.

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(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: To summarize the coverage of President Obama's new Supreme Court nominee: She is a centrist, leftist radical compromiser who everybody loves and nobody knows, an all-American, out-of-touch elitist, right-handed southpaw, asexual lesbian heterosexual whose personal life is a complete mystery.

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SAGAL: So, we expect her to be both easily confirmed and burned as a witch.

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SAGAL: They'll do it at the same hearing just to save time. Some say that in picking an Ivy League, even-tempered, compromiser, Obama basically tried to nominate himself. And this is true, people have said this. Is this his self- image? He looks in the mirror and sees a 5-foot-3 Jewish lady? This would explain his otherwise mysterious Twitter handle, Bubbe.

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M: There will be balance because I think most of the Supreme Court bats left-handed, and I noticed from her pictures that she bats right-handed. So if a right-handed defendant comes before the court, she will be able to handle it. Or left-handed.

SAGAL: Well, you know, somebody dug up from the University of Chicago yearbook a picture of her playing softball. And everybody went nuts about this photograph. Major League Baseball asked some of their players to comment on her stance. And other people, like Pat Buchanan, bless his heart, said well obviously, she's a lesbian because everybody knows that only lesbians play softball.

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M: I just never realized that you could determine from a sport...

M: Oh, yeah.

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SAGAL: Says the professional advice columnist.

M: Oh, sure. Yeah, sure.

SAGAL: Dear Amy, my daughter wants to play softball, should I be worried?

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M: You should celebrate that.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, one criticism of Ms. Kagan is that she's the first nominee in years who is not already a judge. And that could be fine. I mean, there are other justices who weren't a judge. But there is a slippery slope. I mean, if you allow a non-judge, then someday you might allow a non-lawyer and then maybe, like, political pundits, and then Obama's heavy drinking but folksy uncle.

M: As long as he's not gay, he's in like flint.

SAGAL: Exactly. And then finally Associate Justice Wilson, a volleyball with a face painted on it.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Yeah, I think the volleyball thing is going to get him in trouble. You know what they say about people who play volleyball.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your next quote.

KASELL: We'll have to cope for four or five years with our flesh creeping, but still...

SAGAL: Craig, that was a member of the Liberal Democrat Party talking about the first coalition government since World War II, where?

M: In Britain.

SAGAL: In Britain, right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: In fact, the United Kingdom, after days of uncertainty, the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrat Party put aside their many differences to form a coalition government. It was a tough negotiation. It took place over a few days, but it was finally settled with Nick Clegg, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, agreeing to take the bottom bunk at 10 Downing Street.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We wonder, though, why this guy, Nick Clegg - I guess he was desperate - why he would accept the post of deputy prime minister. It's such a sop. It's like David Cameron gives him a badge and says: Hey son, would you like to be my deputy? Why, yes, sir, thanks, that'd be keen.

M: Nick Clegg...

M: So what does a deputy do?

SAGAL: I think he just waits around. I think...

M: Is it like a sidekick, sort of?

M: Yeah.

SAGAL: No, I think...

M: OK.

SAGAL: Actually, on Tuesday night this week, David Cameron let him be prime minister for two hours while he and Mrs. Cameron went out to see "Iron Man 2."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here's your last quote. It's from a resident of Florida named Kenny Navarre, and he was speaking to an oil executive.

KASELL: Would it be possible just to go out there and bomb the hell out of it?

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SAGAL: So what does Mr. Navarre want to bomb the hell out of?

M: The spewing oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.

SAGAL: Exactly right, yes, the spewing oil well.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

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SAGAL: The Deepwater Horizon well has now been pumping oil into the Gulf of Mexico for so long that the gulf is now mostly oil. It's now the Gulf Station of Mexico.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Houses in Mobile Bay, Alabama, are being advertised as being oil-front properties. The latest idea - and this is true - to fix the leaking well, which nobody seems to be able to fix, is to just basically go down there, a mile down, well housing around it, stuff it with garbage, quote: shredded- up tires, golf balls, things like that, unquote. The idea is, they're going to throw all the stuff into the gulf that no one wants, like the couch on your porch, Jay Leno's monologues.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Joe Lieberman.

M: But like...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Senator Lieberman's like, so do I have to stay down there a long time? Yes, you do, Joe.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: But maybe it's one of those things that's just so crazy, it might work.

SAGAL: It might work.

M: I think they've already gone through that.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: I love the fact that the thing that didn't prevent the blowout is a thing, the technical term for which is the blowout preventer.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's what it's called.

M: They forgot to check the blowout preventer.

SAGAL: They had a label on it.

M: Right. It stands for BP, I guess.

SAGAL: Exactly.

M: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Craig do on our quiz?

KASELL: Well, Craig's a winner, Peter. He had three correct answers, so I'll be doing the message on his home answering machine.

SAGAL: Well done, sir. Congratulations, Craig.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Thank you.

M: Wow.

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