Gift Suggestions for Your Congressperson
LUKE BURBANK, host:
As we've been reporting this hour, it's opening day for the new Congress, and what better to celebrate your newly elected lawmakers win, or cheer up your outgoing representative, than sending the perfect gift. But what is the perfect gift? Comic and actress Annabelle Gurwitch has this convenient shopping guide.
ANNABELLE GURWITCH: I have spared you the trouble of searching around, and selected items you can order in the comfort of your own district right on the Internet, starting with something no newcomer can do without, the de-FIB-ulator from Gadget Universe.
It looks like a cell phone, only it's a device which lets you find out who's being honest and who's not, using a patented voice-tension technology to measure vibrations. When it detects a lie…
(Soundbite of buzzer)
GURWITCH: Demonochio flashes up on your screen, a cute little guy whose horns and nose grow if you're catching someone in a fib.
President GEORGE W. BUSH: We will take every proposal seriously, and we will act in a timely fashion.
(Soundbite of buzzer)
GURWITCH: Oops, just $39.99.
(Soundbite of song, “Jaws Theme”)
GURWITCH: For your outgoing legislator, a remote-controlled robotic shark, a perfect gift for a representative returning home in shame. What could underscore the fact that your life has lost its purpose more than sending your radio-controlled robotic shark around and around in your swimming pool, paid for by a lobbyist who's now forgotten your name. Sure to depress anyone, I'm sending one to J.D. Hayworth, Richard Pombo, Sue Kelly, Nancy Johnson, Tom DeLay and Mark Foley. Only $99.95, shipping not included.
(Soundbite of popcorn popper)
GURWITCH: For Nancy Pelosi, the new speaker of the House, an antique popcorn machine. Nothing says say, why don't we stay all night and hammer out some bipartisan legislation more than the smell of fresh popcorn. Order one now at hometheatermarketplace.com.
(Soundbite of music)
GURWITCH: Yes, that's the message you'll be sending Democrat Carl Levin as he tries to extricate us from Iraq when he takes over from John Warner as the head of the Senate Armed Services Committee. That's right, I found a hand-carved wooden statue of Don Quixote for Levin's office. Good luck, Carl.
(Soundbite of song, “Dueling Banjos”)
GURWITCH: To lift the spirits of Virginia's George Allen, I've hand-picked the world's largest crossword puzzle. At seven-feet by seven-feet, with 91,000 squares, it could take months or even years, and George has got the time. Even better, my team of researchers has picked and pored over it, and I'm happy to say that not one clue could lead you to macaca.
(Soundbite of song, “Hail to the Chief”)
GURWITCH: Only history will tell if George Bush will join the pantheon of our greatest presidents, but you can help instill them with a sense of optimism when you send him his very own collection of presidential action figures - and they talk.
The president can play with his own figurine, enjoying tea parties or just stand around shooting the breeze in the company of the greats. Lincoln…
Unidentified Man #1: (As Lincoln) Four score and seven years ago…
Unidentified Man #2: (As Washington) You cannot restrain the voice of the multitude.
GURWITCH: And Bush.
Unidentified Man #3: (As Bush) Glad to be in the midst of patriots.
GURWITCH: Available at toypresidents.com for only $29.95. Given the events of the last year, it's a good idea to order today, before someone is indicted.
BURBANK: Satire from Annabelle Gurwitch. Her documentary film, “Fired,” opens in theaters later this month.
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