Stimulating the Economy with Gay Marriage
ALEX CHADWICK, host:
The California Supreme Court struck down the state's ban on same-sex marriage last week. That may complicate things politically, but humorist Brian Unger says the decision could solve other problems. Here is today's Unger Report.
BRIAN UNGER: First, Massachusetts, now California. If this gay-marriage thing spreads like a brushfire across America, and states, one by one, start bestowing marital rights upon same-sex couples, if that happens, we'll be looking at the ultimate economic stimulus package for the U.S. economy, and the way out of this recession.
Gay marriage is FDR's New Deal, and it's wearing Dolce & Gabbana loafers. Here is why, with 2.5 million weddings a year, at an average cost of about 20,000 dollars each, married couples, the straight kind, are spending something like 50 billion dollars on their weddings. We can at least double that money when gay Americans storm the wedding chapels, if we put aside our biases, our qualms, our moral dilemmas, and put this economy first. If you can't do it for Bruce and Jeffrey, then do it for your country. It is the same as wearing an American flag lapel pin, but with a candelabra and a string that plays Cher when you pull it.
(Soundbite of song "The Shoop, Shoop Song"(It's In His Kiss))
CHER: (Singing) It's there in his kiss. How about the way he...
UNGER: A rising gay tide lifts all boats. First, the clergy make out like bandits, they double their usual 250 dollar gratuity, that translates to a lot of new hymnals, and that's just the start. The jewelry, transportation, hotel, flower, music, clothing, food, and tourism industries, they all benefit by billions in income, and the Fed, in taxable dollars, while Earth doesn't suffer enormous population growth. Gay marriage is a giant cash machine for America: a Gay-T-M, with built-in carbon offset, gay is green.
Now, there are legitimate concerns about allowing gay marriages. Chiefly, when two people of the same sex marry, they quit their jobs, and open a bed and breakfast right on your street. I know what you're thinking, I don't want to live on a street where a quaint house is filled with travelers swapping stories about their cats. But consider this, gay couples can turn a skid row into a Soho like nobody's business. It all starts to get better for all to enjoy, when two people who've been bullied by society their entire lives settle down on your block in inter-marital bliss, it is both ironic and good for property values.
Look, if the thought of two men kissing atop a seven-layer mango-cream, butter-frosted, Sylvia Weinstock wedding cake just ticks you off, fear not, they are going to end up just like many heterosexual couples, divorced. And you know what that means, more GDP - Gay Domestic Product. We are talking attorneys' fees, moving vans, new homes, bedding appliances, grooming products.
(Soundbite of song "We All Sleep Alone")
CHER: (Singing) Sooner or later we all sleep alone.
UNGER: And that is today's Unger Report. I'm Brian Unger.
CHADWICK: Humor from Brian, every Monday, on Day to Day.
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