Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Don't Take Me Out To The Ballgame, Weekend at President Bernie's, The Fight of the Century.
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT DON'T TELL ME the NPR news quiz. By the power of Grayskull, I am he-anchorman, Bill Curtis.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks, everybody. Great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be joined by design genius Jonathan Adler. He went from a book humble potter to a giant in the fashion and design world. Now, the only thing we know about throwing pots is what we saw in the movie "Ghost," so our first question is, how do you get anything finished when Patrick Swayze keeps coming up and getting all handsy?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I hope he leaves you alone while you give us a call. The number is 1-888-924-8924. That's one 1-888-WAITWAIT. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT DON'T TELL ME.

URSULA OSTROM: Hi, Peter. This is Ursula.

SAGAL: Hello, Ursula. How are you?

OSTROM: I'm well. Thanks. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Where are you calling from?

OSTROM: Believe it or not, I'm calling from right across the street.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Peter, oh, my god. She's been stalking you. Oh no. The call is coming from across the street doesn't have...

KURTIS: Someone's in the house.

SAGAL: Yeah. What do you do here in downtown Chicago?

OSTROM: I work in marketing. I work, actually, on the 14th floor of the building right across from the Chase Plaza.

SAGAL: Really? So you're peering down on us even as we speak.

OSTROM: No, namely 'cause you guys don't have any windows on that side of the building I don't think.

SAGAL: And that's why - because we don't want people like you peering in.

OSTROM: Oh, too bad.

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Ursula. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian recording his first comedy album May 8 at the Laugh Factory right here in Chicago, so you can go. It's Brian Babylon.

BRIAN BABYLON: Hey, Ursula. How are you?

(APPLAUSE)

OSTROM: I'm well, thanks. How are you?

BABYLON: Awesome.

SAGAL: Next it's a style columnist for The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi, Ursula.

(APPLAUSE)

OSTROM: Hi, Roxanne.

SAGAL: Finally it's a humorist and author most recently of "The Baby Boom," Mr. P.J. O'Rourke.

(APPLAUSE)

O'ROURKE: Hi, Ursula.

OSTROM: Hi, P.J.

SAGAL: Ursula, welcome to our show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to create for you - re-create, I should say - three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kassell's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

OSTROM: I am ready. Thanks.

SAGAL: All right. For your first quote, here's an announcement that was heard over the PA at a major league baseball stadium this week.

KURTIS: For record-keeping purposes, today's official paid attendance is zero.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So where this week did they throw a baseball game and nobody came because they weren't allowed to?

OSTROM: In Baltimore.

SAGAL: In Baltimore, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: One of the many disquieting things to happen this week in Baltimore was a baseball game played without any fans. Major League Baseball was worried rioters in Baltimore would overrun the stadium. Meanwhile, the Tampa Bay Rays handed out free burning CVS bobble heads in attempt to lure rioters to their stadium.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Let me say something, as the blackest thing on this panel.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I think P.J. has some soul.

BABYLON: ...Which is a low, low bar.

(CROSSTALK)

BABYLON: It's super easy. Out of all that looting and cutting up that those protesters - I mean those rioters did - that's different than the protesters who are really protesting some real stuff.

SAGAL: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: I will say that as something real. Those rioters who are going for CVS and liquor stores - dude, that Sallie Mae place is in Baltimore, like, down the street. Sallie Mae financial - loot that place.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

O'ROURKE: They got money.

SAGAL: I know.

BABYLON: Sallie Mae is the worst. Loot them.

SAGAL: Like you say, there were all these peaceful protests in Baltimore for days, and then the riots happened and everybody freaked out, and people only paid attention when they had to, like, keep away the fans at a baseball game. Everything was so weird. The sportscasters - this is true - they had to talk in hushed tones because the players could hear them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They were so polite and quiet.

BABYLON: It was like golf?

SAGAL: No, it was more like - it was like public radio. It was like...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It was like, welcome to ball things considered.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, your next quote, Ursula, comes from President Obama talking about a new nominee running for president.

KURTIS: Apparently, some folks want to see a pot smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all.

SAGAL: Mr. Obama was joking at the White House Correspondents Dinner about another pot smoking Socialist who announced he was running this week. Who?

OSTROM: Bernie Sanders?

SAGAL: Bernie Sanders, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Vermont independent senator, a self-described socialist who demands we call him Bernie, announced that he was running for president this week. We have come a long way in this country. Anything is possible. We know that. I don't know if America is ready for a president Bernie.

BABYLON: No. No. He needs to - if he's going to do this for real - if he's serious - don't be talking smack, Bernie...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: You've got to rebrand yourself.

SAGAL: Really?

BABYLON: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, I don't know if you know this, but his whole brand, to use that phrase, is Bernie.

BABYLON: I get it.

SAGAL: Like, his political signs in Vermont - Bernie. That's what they say.

BABYLON: I get it. I get where he was going with that...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: ...But if he wants to play with the big boys, you got a guts it up, Bernie.

ROBERTS: So what would you do?

BABYLON: Well, we're going to Supercuts first.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is true.

O'ROURKE: That would be a step in the right direction, yeah. Yeah.

BABYLON: We're going to Supercuts first.

SAGAL: Now, the idea that people are excited about this - if only to have some excitement - the idea is that an avowed socialist in the race will pull Hillary to the left, right? So he'll stake out positions and attract support, and Hillary will have to say she agrees with him. This makes liberals happy, but why isn't it just as likely that she plays for the middle by walking over during a debate and punching the hippie?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He's presenting himself for that purpose.

BABYLON: I know. That will pull a lot of people to the right' Like hey, that was some good hippie punching.

SAGAL: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I don't know.

O'ROURKE: She could get my vote.

BABYLON: Yeah, I can trust her. I like the way she punched that hippie.

O'ROURKE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROBERTS: I could think of so many people I'd rather have her punch than Bernie.

O'ROURKE: Bill.

ROBERTS: A long list.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Starting with Bill.

SAGAL: All right, here we go, Ursula. Here is your last clue.

KURTIS: Let's get ready to rumble.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's the famous catch phrase of boxing Hall of Famer Michael Buffer. He will be announcing what big fight this weekend?

OSTROM: Is it Pacquiao-Mayweather?

SAGAL: It is Pacquiao-Mayweather. What other fight could it be?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This this weekend we'll have what everybody is calling the fight of the century. That's great 'cause it means we won't have to have another for 85 years. The fight between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao this weekend in Las Vegas is attracting so much attention that people scalp tickets for hundreds and hundreds of dollars just to see the weigh-in where the guys show up and stand on scales.

BABYLON: Oh, nice.

SAGAL: The New York Times - I am not kidding you - profiled the ring itself. That's right. The wood - they wrote a long story about the wood and canvas ring.

O'ROURKE: They interviewed it?

SAGAL: Well, yes, they did. The ring says it's excited, a little humbled and hopes that it's training will help it just stand there and not collapse.

BABYLON: And it said, I want to thank God for this opportunity.

SAGAL: Yeah. All blessings to God for me being a boxing ring. This fight is attracting a lot of interest because, you know, the promoters and the advertisers have managed to create one of those very profitable good versus evil storylines. Pacquiao is playing the good guy. He's very popular in the Philippines and he's known for his charity. Mayweather is playing the evil guy because he is actually evil.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: No.

SAGAL: Yes.

BABYLON: No.

SAGAL: Yes, he is.

BABYLON: He's just a - in your world, you guys would call him eccentric.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: He's just urban eccentric. That's what we call that. That's called urban eccentrics.

ROBERTS: Wait, wait - being a jerk is urban eccentric?

BABYLON: No, his style, his panache...

SAGAL: No, no, no, he is the highest-paid athlete in the world. He is going to earn as - more than $180 million win or lose.

BABYLON: Woah, Mitt Romney. Woah, Mitt Romney.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: However, he...

BABYLON: ...He's a small businessman. He built it.

SAGAL: His nickname is Money. Did you know Floyd Mayweather has his mouth guards custom made for him, including, depending on his mood, diamonds, bits of gold - this one will have a hundred-dollar bill in it...

BABYLON: Yes.

SAGAL: ...And they cost $25,000 each.

BABYLON: Do you know how many jobs that created to make that mouthpiece? (Singing) Mitt Romney.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you know how stupid it is to have bits of diamond in your mouth guard?

BABYLON: But do you know how it feels though?

SAGAL: No, I don't, Brian.

BABYLON: Ice cold, baby.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Bill, how did Ursula do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, Ursula is Ursula from Chicago. What do we expect? She's perfect.

SAGAL: Well done, Ursula.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Congratulations.

OSTROM: Thank you. Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

OSTROM: Bye.

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