BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME the NPR news quiz. If you mess with the bull, you get the horns. So why not mess with the Bill? Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill. Thank you everybody, great to be back with you at the end of a long week. We have got a great show for you today because we've got the perfect person to come on and talk about what's going on in the news today - not a pundit or journalist - no, the world's most prolific author of horror novels, R.L. Stine.
SAGAL: He's written about blob monsters, talking dummies and evil shrunken heads. He - even he could not come up with something a scary as the hunch head of Trump Tower.
SAGAL: But we're willing to hear whatever tall tale you want to tell. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME.
LAUREN ELMORE: Hi, this is Lauren calling from Boston.
SAGAL: ...My second home. What you do there in Boston?
ELMORE: Well, I'm really calling from Cambridge. I'm a...
ADAM FELBER: I lived in Cambridge.
SAGAL: We all like Cambridge.
SAGAL: What do you do in Cambridge?
ELMORE: I'm about to retire from being a professional graduate student.
SAGAL: Oh, really?
SAGAL: So how long have you been a graduate student?
ELMORE: Way too long.
SAGAL: Right, so when you say retire, you mean you're going to go right into retirement and finish your life never actually having done anything?
ELMORE: No, no, no, it means I get a job to pay off all my student loans.
SAGAL: Oh, my gosh. And what kind of job are you going to be good for?
ELMORE: Higher education - I'm getting a doctorate from the Harvard graduate school of education.
SAGAL: Oh, well, congratulations.
ELMORE: Thank you.
AMY DICKINSON: We're very impressed here.
ELMORE: Thank you.
SAGAL: Well done. Are you going to be one of those doctorates who insits that people call you Dr. Lauren?
ELMORE: Oh yeah.
SAGAL: There you go.
SAGAL: I admire that. Lauren, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher," Adam Felber.
FELBER: Hey Lauren.
FELBER: Thank you.
SAGAL: Next, it's an author and advice columnist who will be appearing Saturday night at the Memorial theater in Dayton Ohio. It's Amy Dickinson.
DICKINSON: Hi Lauren.
ELMORE: Hi Amy.
SAGAL: And finally, it's a comedian who will be appearing at the Chicago Improv on April 2 and 3, Alonzo Bodden.
ALONZO BODDEN: Hello Lauren.
ELMORE: Hey Alonzo.
SAGAL: All right, Lauren, here we go. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? That, of course, is the game in which Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, explain or identify two of them. Do that and you will win our prize. Ready to go?
ELMORE: Yes, I am.
SAGAL: Here you go. Here's your first quote, Lauren.
KURTIS: "He started it."
SAGAL: Who was that, using sharp unassailable logic to defend his presidential campaign this week?
ELMORE: (Laughter) I'm going to take a wild guess and say Donald Trump?
SAGAL: Very good, Lauren.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
FELBER: Well done, Lauren.
SAGAL: On Tuesday, on live TV on CNN, Mr. Trump was defending his attacks on Ted Cruz's wife. And he said well, he started it. And Anderson Cooper said, quote, "that is the argument of a 5-year-old."
SAGAL: And Trump said - and I am not kidding - no, it's not.
FELBER: But I think Anderson Cooper did a good job of not going is to.
SAGAL: Yeah, I know...
DICKINSON: Yeah, I know...
SAGAL: The temptation must have been...
FELBER: Because Donald Trump has a way of pulling everybody into that reality show that is his.
DICKINSON: I know...
SAGAL: It is true.
DICKINSON: ...I know.
SAGAL: So Donald Trump is like no, it's not, and 5-year-olds all over the country are going this guy's good.
BODDEN: He's quick.
SAGAL: In other news, the other big Trump news this week was that Mr. Trump's campaign manager was charged with a crime, namely, quote, "simple battery." Trump stood by his aide and said the charge is ridiculous. He doesn't have simple batteries. He has the best batteries.
SAGAL: His batteries are incredibly complicated. So this is what happened - it's weird - Trump has this campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. And he grabbed a reporter at an event and pulled her out of the way.
SAGAL: At first, the campaign said it never happened. And then when witnesses came forward essentially saying yes, it happened. I was watching it. And the woman posted pictures of the bruises - the five-finger-shaped bruises on her arm. The Trump campaign said - and this is true - the witnesses are lying and that woman might've had the bruises there before...
SAGAL: ...A five-fingered birthmark. And then the police released a video of the campaign manager grabbing the women...
SAGAL: Allegedly. I think at this point, you can saying allegedly.
SAGAL: And this is amazing, so Trump is still denying it. Well, it didn't happen. And Anderson Cooper says well, you can clearly see on this video your campaign manager touching this woman. And Trump says - and I quote - well, I don't know what touch means," unquote.
SAGAL: And it's hard to blame him. Touch is one of those tough words.
DICKINSON: He has all the words.
SAGAL: And I've got to share this with you. So Mr. Lewandowski - now he's been arrested with battery. He hired a lawyer. The lawyer he hired in Florida used to be a prosecutor, was fired from being a prosecutor because he bit a stripper.
FELBER: Hey, hey, hey, hey...
FELBER: And also, what did the stripper do to provoke the bite?
SAGAL: No. We know...
DICKINSON: We know that this lawyer bit the stripper because after the incident, over time the stripper gradually turned into a lawyer.
FELBER: Oh, yeah...
FELBER: So he was a were-lawyer.
BODDEN: He found a lawyer who understands him.
SAGAL: Yeah. All right, Lauren, here is your next quote.
KURTIS: "I felt disoriented, a touch nauseous and distinctly headachy."
SAGAL: That was from a review by an early user of what highly-anticipated new gadget that came out this week?
ELMORE: Virtual reality glasses?
ELMORE: Am I saying it right?
SAGAL: ...Exactly right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
ELMORE: OK good.
SAGAL: Known as the Oculus Rift, very good. It is...
SAGAL: It's finally here, the Oculus Rift, this 3-D virtual reality goggles started shipping this week to early adopters. You can tell who those people are because they're the ones wearing what looks like big blocky electric blindfolds trying to hump somebody who isn't there.
SAGAL: Now, a lot of these games that you can play with this - you know, you can, like, fight dragons or fly a spaceship. But wouldn't it be better if virtual reality was just a better version of reality? Like, put on these goggles and headphones and you'll be in an amazing 3-D world, where it's easy to park at Trader Joe's.
FELBER: I just can't wait for the headlines, you know? They're going to start piling up. We found the deceased tangled up in cords with his pants down.
BODDEN: Oh, that headline's already been run.
SAGAL: Oh, yeah.
BODDEN: That didn't have much to do with the goggles.
SAGAL: All right, here, Lauren, is your last quote.
KURTIS: "I thought, why not?" It has to be the best selfie ever."
SAGAL: That was a man named Ben Innes, who this week decided to get up from his seat on an EgyptAir flight and ask who to take a selfie with him?
ELMORE: (Laughter) The hijacker.
SAGAL: The hijacker, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Finally, ladies and gentlemen...
SAGAL: It's the feel-good international terrorism story we've been waiting for.
SAGAL: On an EgyptAir flight to Cairo, a man stood up with what looked like an explosive belt and demanded the plane go to Cyprus. But it turns out he wasn't really a terrorist. The supposed explosives - this is true -- were just empty iPhone cases glued to his belt. And a lot of people on the plane - also true - preferred going to Cyprus anyway. So it all worked out fine. It was great. People enjoyed the experience so much that EgyptAir is now offering business-class, first-class and hijacked-to-a-nicer-place-than-Egypt class.
SAGAL: But think about this guy - so you're on a plane. It is being hijacked. You don't know what's going on. You think it's the worst-case scenario. This may be the last moments of your life. It's your one chance to be the hero. You've always imagined that you could be. What do you do? Well, young Ben Innes had the courage to unbuckle his seatbelt, rush the hijacker and ask for a selfie.
DICKINSON: You are kidding me.
SAGAL: That's what happened. The hijacker...
FELBER: That's a great selfie, too.
SAGAL: The photo - you can find it online. They're both looking at the camera and smiling, as you do.
FELBER: Although the hijacker looks a little bewildered.
DICKINSON: Oh, my God.
SAGAL: He was bewildered to begin with. He...
SAGAL: ...Maybe more bewildered. Innes is smiling like an idiot. Well, not like an idiot.
BODDEN: Well, I think the fact that the hijacker had a bunch of iPhone cases...
DICKINSON: There's a tipoff...
BODDEN: I mean, that's who you'd get a selfie with.
BODDEN: I mean, you've got a big fan of the iPhone, you ask for a selfie, he's like of course, you know.
SAGAL: Yeah, true. Bill, how did Lauren do on our quiz?
KURTIS: We would expect Dr. Lauren to get all three right. And you did, Lauren, congratulations.
SAGAL: Well done, congratulations.
ELMORE: ...Great graduation present.
SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Lauren, and good luck to with that dissertation.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "WHEN I SEE YOU SMILE")
BAD ENGLISH: (Singing) When I see you smile, I can face the world. Oh, you know I can do anything.
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