Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Rally Days Are Here Again; The Final Recountdown; So long, Fidel
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Don't worry about the Constitution. I'll be your Bill of Rights.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Bill Kurtis, that is.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. It's good to be back with you. It has been more than a week since what was promised to be the most politically difficult Thanksgiving in American history.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So if you haven't already, it is now safe to remove your head from the turkey.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be talking to Alan Cumming, the actor/author/singer/filmmaker/cabaret performer about where he keeps all those slashes. But first, it's your turn. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

KAREN ISGRIGGS: Hello.

SAGAL: Hi, who's this?

ISGRIGGS: This is Karen Isgriggs from San Jose, Calif.

SAGAL: San Jose - the beautiful city at the bottom of the bay. What do you do there?

ISGRIGGS: So I actually work on a self-driving car project here in the Bay Area.

SAGAL: Really?

HELEN HONG: Cool.

SAGAL: So you're one of those people trying to make us car drivers obsolete.

ISGRIGGS: Yes. Yeah, actively.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, thanks for that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Welcome to the show. Karen, let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher" and the co-host of the "Giant Tuesday Night Of Amazing Inventions And Also There Is Game's" 15th annual Christmas special on December 13 at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles - Adam Felber.

ADAM FELBER: Hello, Karen.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I'm sorry, but after Adam's introduction, that's all that we have time for this week.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Thanks for listening. Next, it's a comedian appearing on "Blunt Talk" with Patrick Stewart on the STARZ network this Sunday. It's Helen Hong.

HONG: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: Hi, Karen.

ISGRIGGS: Hi, Helen.

SAGAL: And finally, it's the host of the public radio variety show "Live Wire" and the podcast "Too Beautiful To Live." It's Luke Burbank.

(APPLAUSE)

LUKE BURBANK: Hey, Karen.

ISGRIGGS: Hello, Luke.

SAGAL: Karen, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

ISGRIGGS: Not at all, but let's do it anyway.

SAGAL: Whoa, that was an intake of breath. OK.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Not what you want to hear from the person designing the driverless cars.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Yeah, yeah. Totally not ready.

BURBANK: You know what? We'll see how it goes.

SAGAL: I don't know if this is going to work.

FELBER: Anybody's guess.

SAGAL: Yeah. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: America's going to start winning again - bigly.

SAGAL: That was somebody speaking at what he called a thank you rally on Thursday. Who could it possibly be?

ISGRIGGS: Donald Trump.

SAGAL: Yes, Donald Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: President-elect Donald Trump has decided that simply winning the election is no reason to stop running.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's just like when the Cubs went back to Cleveland and made the Indians come out and lose to them again.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Trump - yes, Chicago fans are like...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...that's a good idea.

FELBER: Yeah, why not?

SAGAL: Let's do that again. It was fun the first time. Trump's first, quote, "thank you rally" was Thursday in Cincinnati. Then he went on to Iowa and North Carolina and then a big rally in Nuremberg.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Oh, wait.

SAGAL: No, wait.

FELBER: Wait.

SAGAL: Sorry.

FELBER: Not that Nuremberg.

SAGAL: Sorry. Although in Cincinnati, a bunch of really enthusiastic Trump supporters tried to burn some books. And Trump said, oh, that's what those things are for.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: I don't think he knew how much presidenting (ph) you had to do to be president.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: You know, he was like, where are the crowds of people screaming into the middle distance?

SAGAL: Yeah, that's all I...

BURBANK: You know...

SAGAL: ...really want to do. Right.

BURBANK: It's going to be nonstop rallies for the next four years. Got to get used to it. This guy - that's what he likes to do.

SAGAL: That's true.

BURBANK: Man, he's going to get himself a balcony. People are going to tell him, don't do the balcony thing. It's got some bad optics. It's got some history. He's like, I'm going to have the most fabulous balcony ever.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Trump does seem to be really enjoying himself. The best part, it seems, of being president-elect - everybody now has to suck up to him. Even Mitt Romney, who spent the last year telling everybody how awful Trump was, he joined Trump for an expensive dinner with a menu featuring frogs legs, roasted lamb and Romney's own balls on a plate.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: That photo of the two of them was so amazing.

SAGAL: Yeah.

HONG: Because Mitt's face looked like he just had a hand going up his skirt.

FELBER: Yes.

SAGAL: Yeah.

FELBER: He really did.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: By the way, can I just question the sort of underlying idea that Trump is loving this? I do not think he is loving...

SAGAL: You don't?

BURBANK: ...being the president-elect. The photos of him - he looks miserable. You know who looks happy?

SAGAL: Who?

BURBANK: Hillary Clinton.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Yeah.

KURTIS: Yeah.

BURBANK: She is hiking.

HONG: She is taking so many walks.

BURBANK: She's wearing a fleece that she has been wearing since the '90s.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Yeah.

BURBANK: There's photographic evidence this week of this fleece throughout time.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Like, she did not have a private fleece server during her time in - that doesn't really make sense as a joke. Point being...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Go with me. Go with me.

SAGAL: I mean, she's doing the whole Al Gore thing. She's gained some weight, she grew a beard, she's having a good time.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Yes.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: It's a healing and positive thing to examine the vote.

SAGAL: That was somebody who was raising money to fund a recount in the swing states. Who is it?

ISGRIGGS: Oh, is that Jill Stein?

SAGAL: It is Jill Stein.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Dr. Jill Stein.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Liberals are reacting to the election of Donald Trump by pretending that somehow it didn't really happen.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Dr. Jill Stein, the unsuccessful Green Party candidate. Or that might be...

FELBER: She was so close.

SAGAL: She was so close.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She raised more money for a recount of the vote in swing states than she was able to do for her actual campaign.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Stein says that she needs the ten million dollars she's asking for to pay fees and election lawyers, but people got suspicious when she started driving around in a new hemp-powered Bentley.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And this is the best part - the Clinton campaign, which says they don't believe a recount will do any good - they joined the effort anyway. That's just the kind of bold, steady conviction that won Hillary the White House.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yeah, it was like, OK.

FELBER: I'm putting on my fleece and walking. Let me know how the recount goes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, that's the thing. That's, of course, from the campaign. Hillary, as you heard - we're only seeing her now in these selfies taken by hikers who find her in the woods.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's true. She's living off the land now.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She's making her own pantsuits from leaves and vines.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: It's amazing.

SAGAL: And if you go looking...

FELBER: Her best friend is a volleyball.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Karen, your last quote today is from Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

KURTIS: Both his supporters and detractors recognized his tremendous dedication and love for the Cuban people, who had a deep and lasting affection for El Comandante.

SAGAL: So Mr. Trudeau seemed weirdly upset by the death of what dictator?

ISGRIGGS: That would be Fidel Castro.

SAGAL: Yes, Fidel Castro.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: He died last weekend. Congratulations, early '60s era CIA. Your slow-acting poison finally worked.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: The last words he heard were something like activated reel-to-reel tape recorder in the closet saying, JFK says hi.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is amazing. Some of Castro's obituaries, which ran last weekend, were written so long ago they had to be translated from the original clay tablets.

FELBER: Wow.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The New York Times obit was actually started in 1959 because they were like, how long could this guy last?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: CNN posted an obit on their website, which by mistake included an editor's note. It read - this is a quote - "Fidel Castro outlived six U.S. presidents. Note - change to seven if George H.W. Bush dies before Castro" - unquote.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Wow.

SAGAL: Note to Peter - don't use this joke if President Bush dies before the show.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Can we just take a moment, though, to reflect on how devastatingly attractive Justin Trudeau really is?

HONG: Oh, yeah.

SAGAL: It's always nice to get back to that.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: I reflect on it often.

BURBANK: He is by far and away the most attractive world leader I think at this point. He is, like, - he's like your friend's hot older brother.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Uh-huh.

BURBANK: But like all hot older brothers, he has some questionable theories about Cuba.

SAGAL: Yeah, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Karen do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Perfect score for the Silicon Valley girl.

SAGAL: Well done, Karen.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much.

ISGRIGGS: Thank you so much, yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG "IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY")

JASON MRAZ: (Singing) How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh outweighed the bad.

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