Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Counter-Intelligence, The Perry Project, Hands-Free Driving
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, Nutcracker, let me be your Billerina (ph) - Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. We have a fine show for you this week, a fine show, I tell you. Later on, we're going to be joined by Anthony Bourdain, author of the great book "Kitchen Confidential," the host of CNN'S "Parts Unknown." He's famous for eating anything and everything, no matter how gross, and never finding anything he cannot stomach. We're excited to see if we are finally it. Wait wait, it's what's for dinner. The number to call is 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

RACHEL MEAD: Hi. This is Rachel Mead, calling from Oberlin, Ohio.

SAGAL: Oberlin, Ohio - could you be associated with the fine liberal arts school at Oberlin, Ohio?

MEAD: I may, in fact, be.

SAGAL: I see. And what may you be studying there? Were you a student? I'm trying to be subjunctive with you, sorry.

MEAD: I'm an anthropology major.

SAGAL: Oh, wow. OK. Well, what are you going to do with that degree when you get it?

MEAD: I want to practice my networking skills.

SAGAL: You do?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, if - I'm going to give you - you have like 15 seconds, go ahead, network with us, go.

MEAD: Uh...

(LAUGHTER)

MEAD: That's why I need practice.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Rachel. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's an author, humorist and the voice of a generation of budget motels, it's Tom Bodett.

MEAD: Hi, Tom.

TOM BODETT: Hi, Rachel.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a features reporter for The Washington Post Style section, Roxanne Roberts.

MEAD: Hi, Roxanne...

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello, Rachel.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally, it's a comedian who'll be performing at the Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, Ill., on December 23. It's Adam Burke.

ADAM BURKE: Hello. How are you?

MEAD: Hi, Adam.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Rachel, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off, of course, with Who's Bill This Time? We do this every week. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. You correctly identify or explain two of them, do that, you will win our prize - the voice of Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

MEAD: Oh, I am so ready to play.

SAGAL: All right, Rachel, here we go. Here's your first quote, it is, of course, from the President-elect of these United States.

KURTIS: You know, I'm like a smart person.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I don't have to be told the same thing and the same words every single day for the next eight years.

SAGAL: Mr. Trump was explaining why he did not need to bother with what every darn day?

MEAD: His daily intelligence briefing.

SAGAL: Exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Mr. Trump was reacting to a question about why he was only getting the presidential daily intelligence brief once a week. I mean, come on, why should you have to get a daily briefing every day? Trump says it is - this is what he said, he said it's boring to hear the same thing over and over every day. And he said they can call him if something changes.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I like that he said he's like a smart person...

SAGAL: Like a smart person.

BODETT: I'm like a smart person, too. I am not a particularly smart person, but I act a lot like one. And if I had the chance to ever get an intelligence briefing it's, like, seems like input - I would, like, I would take it everyday...

SAGAL: Well, that's the thing. That's the thing, this is not like some boring, you know, whatever, this is the good stuff. It's the most top-secret document in America. It's got like all the secret plots we're up to. It's got what the aliens are saying in their cells at Area 51.

The question is how to get him to pay attention to the intelligence briefings. So he's famously - you probably know this - only interested in news that mentions him. So you need to go about it in the same way that you get kids to eat their broccoli - you cover it in something tasty. So the CIA will be like, Mr. President, you were voted Time magazine person of there's a civil war in Yemen.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Maybe they could embed it in "Saturday Night Live" sketches

SAGAL: Yeah. He likes to watch that.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

ROBERTS: Sort of coded. What do you think?

SAGAL: Yeah. Mr. Trump is also, of course, mad at the CIA because they are now saying that Russia, Vladimir Putin himself, interfered in our election to help him win. He says the CIA is just terrible and they don't know anything a month before they will all have to work together. That's like calling your fiance fat and ugly a month before the wedding. But to be fair, Trump has done that, too.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: By the way, I should say, that Trump and his people say there's absolutely nothing to the story about the election hacking, and we all should just move on. That would be more comforting if they didn't say it in Russian.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: It wouldn't sound as Russian if his four-year term didn't have a five-year plan.

SAGAL: That's strange. You know...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...When you think about, the Russian influence on Trump is obvious. His skin is the color of borscht and he does have three nesting wives.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Your next quote, Rachel, is also from the president-elect, but this was back during the Republican primary.

KURTIS: He put on glasses so people think he's smart. People can see through the glasses.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That man, who according to...

BODETT: You know he, did have some pretty good ones.

SAGAL: Yeah, maybe he did deserve to win. That man...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...That the now President-elect Trump was talking about, who wasn't really smart, President-elect Trump just chose him to be the man in charge of, among other things, our stockpile of nuclear weapons. Who is it?

MEAD: Is that Rick Perry?

SAGAL: It is Rick Perry, Rachel. Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Former Texas Governor Perry who once, quite famously, could not remember the name of the Department of Energy when he said he wanted to abolish it, is going to be in charge of it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Remember that? You know, the famous oops moment back when you could say something dumb at a presidential debate and it would end your campaign? Wasn't that quaint?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway, so now that guy, who said he wants to abolish the Department of Energy, is going to be in charge of it. It is so clear, at this point, that Trump is just messing with us. You have to give Trump credit, it was really fun how he said, Perry will be secretary of energy, and Jeb Bush will be secretary of low energy. Got him again.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I think the Cabinet selection process is taking so long because there was an entire day of Trump going, wait, there's male secretaries now?

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: What a world.

SAGAL: Now, seriously, do you want more proof that Donald Trump is just messing with our heads in this whole Cabinet? According to London's Daily Mail - and this is true - they're saying that Trump will offer the leadership of the National Endowment of the Arts to Sylvester Stallone.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The good news is that it shows that in the end, Trump will stand up to Putin who wanted Steven Seagal.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Has it occurred to you that we might - this show might end up being completely redundant at a certain point?

SAGAL: Oh, yeah...

ROBERTS: I mean, you know, what's left to make fun of?

BODETT: Oh, it's no - I mean, it's - everything that Trump says on his Twitter is Bluff the Listener, you know.

SAGAL: It's really true.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I think that...

SAGAL: One of these stories is true and you'll be terrified to find out which one is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Rachel, here...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Still with us, Rachel?

MEAD: Yeah, I am.

SAGAL: Still - I should say, as a young person in college, still excited about your future?

(LAUGHTER)

MEAD: If I can finish my finals, I will be, yeah.

SAGAL: All right.

BODETT: So it's a great time to be an anthropologist.

SAGAL: It's true.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: What's wrong with us?

SAGAL: Rachel, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: Don't touch or flirt with other people in the car. As a reminder, we have a no-sex rule.

SAGAL: Those are just some of the new rules put out in the community guidelines for the clients of what company?

MEAD: Uber?

SAGAL: Yes, Uber.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Uber is telling us, their passengers, no more sex in the car. You can't flirt, you can't barf and you can't have sex with other passengers in the car. This is apparently aimed at the Uber Pool service. That's where a bunch of strangers get in the same car to go to the same place. How in the world did this become a problem that they need to ban?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's like, whoa, you're going to the convention center, too? We have so much in common. Let's do it.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: This is why they want driverless cars.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BURKE: I don't know if Uber Pool was the right name. Have you ever been to a public pool? It gets nuts...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, that's true.

BODETT: Impetigo is all I think about.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I heard this thing that the Uber app now tracks your location whether or not you're actually using an Uber at that moment. It's just if it's on in the background it tells them where you are. And I was, like, really creeped out for about 10 seconds until I realized, well, if I don't use it I have to take cabs.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Which will let you have sex in the back.

SAGAL: I know well, that's...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Maybe, you know...

BURKE: Some of them insist.

SAGAL: That may be it, as you all know, the traditional cab industry has been devastated by Uber, disrupted is the word. They're dying off. So maybe that will be their sales thing. Like a Yellow Cab will pull up with a sign saying, go ahead and do it, we don't care.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If the cab's a-rockin', we're doing our job, come on in. Bill, how did Rachel do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, Rachel, the anthropologist, got them all right. Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done.

MEAD: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you so much. Bye-bye, Rachel. And good luck with your schooling.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BACK OF A CAR")

BIG STAR: (Singing) Sitting in the back of a car, music so loud can't tell a thing.

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