BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Amy Dickinson, Tom Bodett and Roy Blount Jr. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
SAGAL: It's time for the WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAITWAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.
ERICA HOLAHAN: Hi. This is Erica Holahan from New Haven, Conn.
SAGAL: Hey, how are things in New Haven?
HOLAHAN: They're good.
SAGAL: They're good.
HOLAHAN: Rainy and wet but good.
SAGAL: Rainy. What do you do for fun in New Haven? There's so much to do.
HOLAHAN: Yeah. Well, there's a lot of pizza, great pizza.
SAGAL: There is?
HOLAHAN: And I'm a bassoon player, so I spend a lot of my free time soon playing the bassoon.
SAGAL: You are a bassoon player?
SAGAL: I've always wondered this.
TOM BODETT: Just working the clubs with that?
SAGAL: Yeah. How does one become a bassoon player?
HOLAHAN: Well, I think the way I became one was maybe a little different. I played recorder for a long time. And then...
SAGAL: And you were like, bigger.
HOLAHAN: I was like - that's true.
SAGAL: Erica, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Erica's topic?
KURTIS: The future is here and it stole my wallet.
SAGAL: These modern times in 2017 mean modern crimes - flying carjacking, laser tax evasion, robot indecent exposure. This week, we read about a crime our parents could not have even imagined. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth, you'll win our prize - Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Are you in fact ready to play?
HOLAHAN: I'm ready.
SAGAL: Let's do it. Let's hear first from Amy Dickinson.
AMY DICKINSON: The beefeaters are the guards responsible for guarding the royal jewels at the Tower of London. But one is also headed to the tower himself for a bizarre plot he launched to sell genetically-altered versions of Queen Elizabeth's prized dogs.
The mastermind? A royal guard named Patrick Adams (ph) said he planned to extract DNA from the royal corgis, clone and mix them with miniature Yorkies to create a new breed which he planned to call cyborgis (ph).
DICKINSON: Working with a criminal cloning team in Scotland, the thief's first hurdle was to gain access to the dogs, who live as a pack in the royal kennels. Using a technique he'd seen on YouTube of handlers working with giant pandas in the forest, Adams disguised himself as a giant corgi, sneaking into the kennel to gather their fur for DNA.
Security cameras show a very large honey-colored man-corgi struggling to walk on all fours. Things got worse after that. Adams was finally unmasked when he sought treatment for dog bites over 30 percent of his body, especially in, as he called it, my swimsuit area.
SAGAL: A man with a scheme to create cyber corgis dressing up as a corgi.
KURTIS: Your next story of a crime of the future comes from Roy Blount Jr.
ROY BLOUNT JR.: You know how new media people are, they're kind of slick talking and use terms and expressions that they act like everybody, of course, understands but you don't understand. But we do all know that virtual reality is a real thing, so maybe it's not too surprising that Fidelity Bank of Sweetwater (ph), Iowa, agreed to hire a virtual reality crew to stage a virtual holdup in the bank as a training exercise.
Well, while the bankers were standing there complaining that they couldn't see anything in the special goggles, the new media crew were, in fact, robbing the bank.
BLOUNT JR.: The cutting-edge heisters got away with over $200,000. And the bank was also out the fee it had paid them up front.
SAGAL: A virtual bank robbery is actually a real one, done while everybody was staring into their virtual reality goggles. And your last story of a bad guy from the future comes from Tom Bodett.
BODETT: Seth Lookhart, DDS of Clear Creek Dental in Anchorage, Alaska, is in a world of hurt that Novocain won't touch. In court on Monday, he faced, among other charges, allegations he billed nearly $2 million in intravenous sedation without proper justification, that he illegally diverted funds from his employer and he performed a tooth extraction while standing on a hoverboard, filmed it and texted it to others.
DICKINSON: (Laughter) Oh, no.
BODETT: While medical fraud is an important topic, I think I speak for everyone when I say let's hear more about the hoverboard.
BODETT: For those of you who don't have teenagers or watch YouTube videos of other people's teenage disasters, a hoverboard is an electric skateboard you balance on, zips in whatever direction you lean even slightly and occasionally catches fire or even explodes. In other words, not an approved dental instrument but probably more fun for the dentist than the old knee on your chest extraction method.
Of course, it's just this kind of pioneering spirit that built America's last frontier and exactly the cuckoo logic that gave us moose turd souvenirs - goose, a grizzly day and Governor Palin.
BODETT: There is no law against goosing (ph) a bear, selling moose poop or probably pulling someone's tooth while riding a hoverboard. I personally lived in Alaska long enough to know that if something, no matter how stupid, is not specifically prohibited, someone will try it and make money doing it. Drugging a patient pulling, her tooth on a hoverboard? Well, if you must. Sharing the film without her permission and billing Medicaid? Now, that's just wrong.
SAGAL: All right. Here are your choices.
SAGAL: One of these futuristic-type crimes was committed. Was it from Amy Dickinson, a scheme to steal the royal corgis' DNA to breed new creatures from the future; from Roy Blount Jr., a virtual bank robbery that actually was a real one; or from Tom Bodett, a dentist charged with a crime of extracting a tooth while riding a hoverboard? Which one of these is the real 21st century crime?
HOLAHAN: I'm going to go with the dentist on the hoverboard.
SAGAL: Oh, really?
SAGAL: All right, we have chosen Tom's story. Well, to bring you the correct answer, we spoke to a reporter who covered the real story.
CASEY GROVE: There's a dentist in Anchorage that allegedly rode a hoverboard while doing a tooth extraction.
SAGAL: That was Casey Grove, our colleague at Alaska Public Media. Congratulations, Erica, you got it right.
HOLAHAN: Thank you.
SAGAL: A point for Tom. You've won our prize. Carl Kasell, his voice is yours. Congratulations, Erica. And thanks for playing with us today.
HOLAHAN: Thank you. It was great fun.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "IT'S NOT THE CRIME")
TOWER OF POWER: (Singing) It's not the crime and it's not the thought. And it's not the deed, it's if you get caught.