Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Gripping Diplomacy, Body Slams Are Pre-existing, Viva Avolatte!
NPR logo

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/530256546/530368444" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/530256546/530368444" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. It's time for the rose ceremony, and I'm your Bill-achelor (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Bill Kurtis.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Later on we're going to be talking to the legendary singer-songwriter John Prine. But first, speaking of legends, many people know Bill Kurtis here from his work narrating true crimes and the work of dogged detectives on "Cold Case Files." Well, we are delighted to let you all know that Bill will be returning to "Cold Case Files" this Thursday on A&E. Very exciting.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And Bill, this makes me want to ask something. I have always thought privately that it would be OK if I were murdered, if you narrated the investigation.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So would you do me the honor?

KURTIS: Finally, it all began to come together to the detectives.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: The brutal beating, the note of apology left on Sagal's lifeless body.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: It all pointed in one direction - Steve Inskeep.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really, you wouldn't mind, would you?

AMY DICKINSON: Oh, my God.

SAGAL: If you'd like to hear Bill narrate your life or at least play a game on the radio, then give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

AARON FASEL: Hey, Peter, this is Aaron Fasel from Austin.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Austin, one of my favorite places?

FASEL: One of my favorite places, too. I've lived here almost all my life.

SAGAL: It's - I have to tell you something. And I don't know how to say this. I went to Salt Lake City recently, Salt Lake, and I ordered some migas for breakfast and they were good.

(LAUGHTER)

FASEL: Well, I had some migas this morning and they were great.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Oh.

ADAM FELBER: Oh, nice one.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show, Aaron. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher," Mr. Adam Felber.

(APPLAUSE)

FELBER: Hey there, Aaron. Thank you.

SAGAL: Next, the woman behind the advice column "Ask Amy" and author of the new book, "Strangers Tend To Tell Me Things," Amy Dickinson.

(APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: Hey. Hi, Aaron.

SAGAL: And finally, a comedian performing in Memphis, Tenn., June 1 through 4 at Chuckles Comedy Club, it's Alonzo Bodden.

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, Aaron.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Aaron, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. You know what that means. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you win our prize, the voice of legendary former scorekeeper Carl Kasell on your answering machine. You ready to go?

FASEL: I am ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first quote. It's a description of a handshake that happened this week. It's from The Washington Post.

KURTIS: The two men shook hands for six long seconds. Their knuckles turned white. Their jaws clenched and their faces tightened. One man reached in first, but then he tried to release twice. But the other kept his grip until letting go.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That ringside play-by-play described a handshake between the new president of France and whom?

FASEL: We'll go with Donald J. Trump.

SAGAL: Donald J. Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That is indeed President Trump. Yes. This was the week of a big overseas trip for a major global figure, Donald Trump's hand.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's right. His right hand got to touch a glowing orb in Saudi Arabia. That was very cool.

FELBER: That was nice.

SAGAL: And in Israel it signed the guest book of Yad Vashem, the Holocaust Memorial, saying it was quote, "so amazing." And then the hand of Donald Trump tried to touch the hand of the first lady and got slapped away.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Twice.

FELBER: Twice.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You can't blame Melania. It's been so long since they've seen each other she did not recognize him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who is this fat old man who keeps trying to touch me?

BODDEN: She's said that before.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. The week ended with Trump standing in front of all the other leaders of the NATO countries. And he berated them to their faces for not paying their bills. And they all had to stand there listening and looking at him like he was the drunk guy who grabs the mic at the wedding toast and starts listing all the groom's prior sexual conquests.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: He is that guy.

FELBER: Yeah.

SAGAL: He is that guy.

BODDEN: I mean, there's no doubt he's done that at some point in his life. Just...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. Well, the thing is until he got to the NATO summit he was getting pretty good marks. He didn't screw up too many things. He made it through Saudi Arabia and Israel without asking for Bac-O bits on the salad.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He didn't, like, meet the pope and say oh, where's Mrs. Pope?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Isn't it something that that's how low the bar is?

FELBER: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: That, like, wow, he went to the Middle East and didn't start World War III. He didn't insult the pope.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: Wow, he's really doing great.

SAGAL: Although...

DICKINSON: To his face, yeah.

SAGAL: ...One of the best things...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: One of the best things that came out of the trip were those pictures of Pope Francis looking absolutely miserable...

BODDEN: Oh, just suffering.

SAGAL: ...In every photograph of him next to Donald Trump.

FELBER: The look that said Jesus had it easy.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Seriously. This is a man who had no problem giving up sex for his entire life, but spending 10 minutes with Donald Trump is, like, too much.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Take this cup from me, he said.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I've got a feeling he was drinking a little extra wine the past week.

SAGAL: All right, Aaron. Aaron, your next quote is from the speaker of the house, Mr. Paul Ryan.

KURTIS: It is another positive step.

SAGAL: Mr. Ryan was reacting to a new report saying that instead of taking health care away from 24 million people, what would only take health care away from 23 million people?

(LAUGHTER)

FASEL: What are they calling that? The Trumpcare...

SAGAL: Yeah, we'll take Trumpcare.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Most Republicans refused to comment when the CBO score of the bill coming out saying how many people would lose insurance, et cetera came out. They just wouldn't say anything. But the most vivid reaction came from congressional candidate Greg Gianforte.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He responded to a question from a reporter - what do you think about the CBO score - by grabbing the reporter by the neck, body-slamming him to the ground and punching him.

FELBER: Which, to be fair, is kind of like Trumpcare.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: If you can afford it.

SAGAL: Instead - yes.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Fortunately, I...

SAGAL: Choose the beating that's right for your family.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: One of my favorite things - and I mean no criticism of this guy because lord knows I would burst into tears. But this guy got suddenly attacked and his reaction was, and I quote, "you broke my glasses."

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I thought that was so endearing.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: I really, really loved that about him. That - I really did. And then he was like, I guess I'll call the cops. I mean, you know.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: Just once couldn't, like, the reporter or the smaller person or whatever know how to fight? Like, somebody who was trained and you go to body slam him and he just...

DICKINSON: Bam (ph).

BODDEN: Whoops your ass right there...

DICKINSON: Yeah.

BODDEN: ...In front of everybody. Just - can't it just happen once?

DICKINSON: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, I have - considering beatings of reporters, I think, are about to get more common, eventually it'll happen, Alonzo.

FELBER: It'll happen, Alonzo.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Aaron, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: I think it's ridiculous. It's literally coffee served in a piece of rubbish.

SAGAL: That was a barista in Australia talking about a latte they made at his cafe as a joke that became the hottest coffee trend. It is coffee served in what?

FASEL: What?

SAGAL: Yes, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, you'd be familiar with this because, of course, how much they love guacamole down in Austin.

FASEL: Avocados?

SAGAL: Yes, an avocado skin.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

DICKINSON: Oh, please.

SAGAL: In this time of stress and dismay, Americans are soothing themselves with avocados. A fruit - or is it a vegetable? - that is inedible for weeks, delicious for 15 minutes in the middle of the night and already rotten when you wake up in the morning. Good choice, America.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So we are in the middle of an avocado craze. They're everywhere. The first sign of the avopocalypse (ph) are these avocado lattes, which are not avocado-flavored lattes. That'd be just gross. They're actual lattes served in an avocado skin.

FELBER: Which are just gross.

DICKINSON: Oh, my God.

SAGAL: Which - why would anybody want that?

DICKINSON: Because you couldn't serve it in a diaper.

SAGAL: I guess so.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The current craze - this is true - for avocados nationwide, worldwide, it's sending people to the ER with what's being called by doctors avocado hand. Basically it occurs when a person tries to cut into an unripe avocado, succeeds, serves it to his girlfriend who yells, avocados again and stabs him in the hand.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Aaron do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Aaron knows his avocados, I'll tell you. He got every question right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Aaron. Well done. You represented Austin.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks so much for playing.

FASEL: My pleasure. Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

Copyright © 2017 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.