Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "The Moore the Scarier," "Make American Pay Again," and "Olympic Flameout."
NPR logo

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/569515644/569577216" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/569515644/569577216" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Kur-'tis the season (ph). I'm Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. We have a very fine show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Method Man - the rapper and actor. He's a founding member of the 1990s hip-hop collective the Wu-Tang Clan, just one of...

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Yes, I know. But, really, it's just one of many clans making a comeback these days.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So we want you to bring the ruckus when you call in to play our games. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

DAVID ISRAEL: Hi, this is David Israel from San Diego, Calif.

SAGAL: How are things in San Diego?

ISRAEL: Almost on fire.

SAGAL: Almost on fire.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But you're enjoying yourself in the meantime. What do you do there?

ISRAEL: I am an attorney for a craft beer company.

SAGAL: Are you really?

ISRAEL: I really am.

SAGAL: What kind of legal issues come up for craft beer?

ISRAEL: Lots of compliance issues with the various regulations - not nearly as fun as you would think.

SAGAL: I would think that, like, beer lawyer is, like a...

(LAUGHTER)

P. J. O'ROURKE: Dream job.

SAGAL: It's, like, a great job.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, David. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the host of "Science Goes To The Movies" - in its fourth season on PBS, which you can find at cuny.tv, Faith Salie.

FAITH SALIE: Hi, David.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the editor-in-chief of the new web magazine American Consequences - that does not sound good - P. J. O'Rourke.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally, a comedian performing on New Year's Eve in San Francisco at the Nourse Theater downtown. Find out more at paulapoundstone.com. That's right. It's Paula Poundstone. She's here.

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: David, when you do Career Day at your local elementary school, I would like to be there.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: David, welcome to the show.

ISRAEL: Thank you so much for having me.

SAGAL: I want to say, you've endured all these beer lawyer jokes with some patience, which I imagine comes from practice.

ISRAEL: I've only been at the job for two weeks.

SAGAL: Oh.

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Well, get used to it (laughter).

SAGAL: Yeah. We're the first ones. That's great. David, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win the prize - the voice of any of us that you hear here on your voicemail. You ready to play?

ISRAEL: Ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first quote. And we're just going to shake things up a little bit, go in a different direction. It's from the president of the United States.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Go get 'em.

SAGAL: That was how Trump finally and full-throatedly endorsed somebody's candidacy, according to the person he endorsed. Who is it?

ISRAEL: Roy Moore.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Roy Moore.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Candidate for Senate in Alabama. Even though Republican leaders spent a few weeks pretending they were upset by the accusations that Moore trolled for dates in freshman home ec classes...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Moore stayed in the race, denied everything. And now he seems he might win it. So Trump is all in. He told Moore to, quote, "go get 'em, Roy." To which Roy responded, OK, Mr. President, but they all have driver's ed now.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So - oh, it gets worse.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So Mr. Moore is still leading in the polls because Republican voters see him as an advocate for family values. He values your family.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: For example, he thinks your daughter is an 8.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I was thinking about - I was thinking about this. I was trying to break it down in his defense. And maybe - maybe if you're courting minors, you're kind of pre-dating, them which makes you a pre-date-or (ph).

SAGAL: Yeah, I see that.

SALIE: Right?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's funny. It's funny. I've always heard the word courting. I didn't realize it came from a mall food court.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Of course, there was another big story in the Senate this week, and that is it's almost as if he tried - wanted to make room for Moore, but Senator Al Franken announced he was resigning on Thursday - right? - because of his own accusations of sexual misbehavior. So that would mean that Roy Moore, if elected, would become the Senate's senior sexual harasser, even though he prefers juniors and sophomores.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway - so Al Franken taught us that, in the end, there is such a thing as Minnesota too nice. After up to seven women accused him of unwanted sexual attention, he resigned because Democrats are trying to prove they have zero tolerance of sexual harassers in the hope that Republicans will learn from their example. And they did. They also have zero tolerance for Democratic sexual harassers. Bipartisanship.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: David, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: The more you read, the more you go, holy crap, what's this?

SAGAL: That was Greg Jenner. He is a Republican - former Treasury official - commenting on what big bill that passed last weekend?

ISRAEL: The tax reform.

SAGAL: Yes, the tax, quote, unquote, "reform bill." Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Senate passed their version of the tax bill in the middle of the night last Friday night. And this week, the Republicans found themselves walking home, carrying their impractical party shoes and wondering exactly what happened. Nobody actually knows what is in this almost 500-page bill. More people have read Steve Inskeep's book than have read this bill.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Among other things, in the frenzy to get it passed, they accidentally jacked up a particular tax on corporations. A coal company CEO said the mistake will drive them out of business. Can you imagine? The Republicans angered a coal company. There is no greater love.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is like Romeo stiffing Juliet.

O'ROURKE: Which he did, if you think about it. I mean...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, they went and they did, like, an awful thing in the middle of the night.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Right? You know, it's not a coincidence that they did it in the middle of the night. That was part of the way they got away with it. But I just think it's going to change, like, America's youth's prank mentality, you know? Like, you know, in the old days, you know, some neighborhood guys might get together in the middle of the night, you know, and they'd go, let's go spray paint...

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: ...You know, a neighbor's house.

SAGAL: Toilet paper.

POUNDSTONE: Or right, let's go toilet paper - let's go throw eggs. And now they go, let's go pass a bill.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: A really harmful bill that will hurt people.

O'ROURKE: Boo. It's going to be a hell of a Halloween next year.

SALIE: You remember - you remember the Schoolhouse Rock video?

SAGAL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Sure.

SALIE: I'm just a bill.

SAGAL: I'm only a bill.

SALIE: Yeah. They just have to take a really dark turn now.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I'm sitting here on the hill in the middle of the night.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's like - it's like...

SALIE: Right. And you just see feet squashing it and squashing it.

SAGAL: It's like a cover of that song by, like, Rob Zombie. You know...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: (Screaming) Yes, I'm a bill.

POUNDSTONE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: You know, just madness. David, here...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: David, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: No flag for you.

SAGAL: That was USA Today summing up the International Olympic Committee's response to what country that was banned from the Winter Olympics for doping?

ISRAEL: Russia.

SAGAL: Russia, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Russia. So Russia has been banned. So everybody who wished on a monkey's paw for Russia to get punished for cheating this year, you should have been more specific.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Russian national team has been completely banned from the upcoming Winter Olympics for doping, which means no medals for them in sports they dominate, like biathlon, cross-country skiing, and bacne.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Weirdly, this week, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, for some reason, floated the idea that the U.S. wouldn't participate in the Olympics, either, because if Putin doesn't go, Trump won't have anyone to talk to.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Did she - she didn't really say that, did she?

SAGAL: She did. She said we're - maybe we won't go, she said, for security reasons. And they sort of walked that back very quickly.

O'ROURKE: Well, isn't the Korean peninsula expected to explode in a large mushroom cloud?

SAGAL: Yeah, that's - well, that's what they said. You know, we don't know what's going on in North Korea. The Olympics are in South Korea this upcoming winter.

O'ROURKE: They're very close together.

SAGAL: They are. They're adjoining.

O'ROURKE: One's a little north of...

SAGAL: One's a little south, yeah.

O'ROURKE: Yeah. Glad I don't cross-country ski.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: No one in the U.S. really does, either.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know...

O'ROURKE: In fact, no one on earth does. That's what snow mobiles are for.

POUNDSTONE: The Nordic countries kick our asses so badly. I remember watching - you know, by the way, cross-country skiing is not really a spectator sport, either.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It's very hard for it to be covered. I mean, it's boring as hell to look at. And they go by.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: So...

O'ROURKE: I mean, at least with curling (laughter)...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. You can at least continue to watch. But I remember, I did happen to watch some the last Winter Olympics. And, you know, all the Nordic women were - because that's how they go get their bread and stuff, for heaven's sakes.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, but - you know...

O'ROURKE: Reindeer steaks.

POUNDSTONE: The U.S. women were, like, way back. They were texting each other. And they weren't...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: They weren't really even trying. They just gave it up for the - yeah. We don't seem to take those kinds of sports as seriously as we might.

SAGAL: Bill, how did David do on our quiz?

KURTIS: David was on the money - three in a row.

SAGAL: Congratulations, David.

(APPLAUSE)

ISRAEL: Thank you. I appreciate it.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

POUNDSTONE: Bye, David.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

Copyright © 2017 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.