Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Parade Master," "Rocket Roadster" and "Doritas."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz.

Hello, Nancy Pelosi. If you need a break, let me Billibuster (ph) - Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Morris Performing Arts Center in South Bend, Ind., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, South Bend.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It is great to be here in South Bend, known as the little city that could. And what it can do is tell you - no, Notre Dame is actually outside of city limits. Stop talking about it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, South Bend is famous these days for having a millennial as mayor. When Pete Buttigieg's peers in their late 20s were starting their startups, he ran for mayor and won back here in South Bend. The only way he betrayed his sort of generational age was when he suggested renaming the town South Chat.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We'll be talking to Mayor Pete later on. But first, it's your turn. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

LAURA ARCADAHANI: Hi, this is Laura Arcadahani (ph).

SAGAL: Laura Arcadapani (ph), hi. How are you?

ARCADAHANI: Hi. Pretty good. How's it going?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Where are you calling from, Laura?

ARCADAHANI: So I live and work in D.C., but I'm actually calling from Georgia.

SAGAL: Georgia? You just couldn't stand it anymore, and you just ran.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, when you're back home in Washington, what do you do there?

ARCADAHANI: I'm a lawyer for the government, actually.

(LAUGHTER)

ARCADAHANI: Sorry.

AMY DICKINSON: It's OK, Laura. It's OK.

ADAM FELBER: That's all right.

SAGAL: You say that like it's a bad thing.

DICKINSON: (Laughter) Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Laura. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the comedian headlining at The Catalyst club in Santa Cruz, Calif., on Saturday, February 24. It's Hari Kondabolu.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's the woman behind the syndicated advice column "Ask Amy." It is Amy Dickinson.

DICKINSON: Hey, Laura.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Finally, it's a writer, performer and co-host of the soon to be released podcast "Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone," it's Adam Felber.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Hey there, Laura.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Laura, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, the voice of anyone on our show for your voicemail. Are you ready to go?

ARCADAHANI: I think so.

SAGAL: All right, here's your first quote.

KURTIS: "I want a parade like the one in France."

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Nice.

SAGAL: That, according at least to The Washington Post, was somebody demanding the military put on a parade just for him. Who was it?

ARCADAHANI: That would be Donald Trump.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: President Donald Trump.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We also, just for the purposes of this question, would have accepted el presidente Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

HARI KONDABOLU: North Korea called. They want their inferiority complex back.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Actually, a lot of comparisons are going around. But what it reminds us most of is those Red Square military displays the Soviets used to have. So the Russia thing - you know, the collusion thing must be a hoax, like the president says. Because if you're worried people think you're in bed with the Kremlin, you wouldn't actually throw your own Red Square parade, would you?

FELBER: No, of course not.

SAGAL: No. Next up, President Trump demands to be displayed in a big glass box on the National Mall.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you know, this looks like it's going to happen because, according to the story, he's been asking for it since literally before his inauguration.

FELBER: That's right.

(CROSSTALK)

FELBER: And they told him during the inauguration that they couldn't do it...

SAGAL: Right.

FELBER: ...Because it's too dangerous for the roads of D.C. Apparently, the last time we had a military parade...

SAGAL: Yeah.

FELBER: ...Was in 1989...

SAGAL: Right.

FELBER: ...At the end of the Gulf War.

SAGAL: Right, right, right.

FELBER: And it just ruined the streets in D.C.

SAGAL: Right. And so - and then - he can't let it go because he got this notion when he was in France over the summer. And he saw one there, and he's like, oh, this is great. He couldn't come back with France with, like, an idea like let's all have good bread. No, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It had to be this.

KONDABOLU: I mean - it's like, sometimes men buy expensive cars. But a military parade? Like, how small is it?

FELBER: Yeah.

DICKINSON: Whoa.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In other reasons why you should not worry at all that America is becoming like Stalinist Russia, the president also said this week it was, quote, "treasonous" for Democrats not to clap for him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, personally, I am all for the power to imprison or execute people if they do not clap for you.

FELBER: Absolutely.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I think that's totally reasonable. Well done, everyone. But...

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: You may continue South Bend.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But when you think about it, maybe it is not in Donald Trump's best interest to set the bar for what is treason so low.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Or really anywhere.

SAGAL: Yeah, he should be - if, you know, he had some strategic sense, he should be talking up treason as a good thing. You know - hey, it's great. Treason's the best. If you're not treasonous, that's treason.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Even the White House had to come back the next day and go like, well, he was kidding, of course.

SAGAL: He was joking. He's known for...

FELBER: It was a treason joke.

SAGAL: He's known for his wild sense of humor.

FELBER: Yes.

SAGAL: That's why we love him so much.

FELBER: Yeah. You know, when the executions start, that's going to be listed as a joke as well.

SAGAL: Yeah.

FELBER: Oh, it's a funny execution.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Everybody will get a blindfold and a little clown nose.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: "Don't panic."

SAGAL: That message from "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" was displayed on the dashboard screen of a Tesla we all saw this week. That wasn't weird. What was weird was where the Tesla was. Where was it?

ARCADAHANI: That was the Falcon Heavy rocket shot into space.

SAGAL: Right. So this car was in space, which is amazing.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You even got the - you got the name of the rocket correct. Elon Musk successfully launched his SpaceX Falcon Heavy rocket on Tuesday. Not only did the biggest rocket ever built make it up to space as planned but - this was so cool - its booster engines turned around, came back and landed right back next to where they started from.

(APPLAUSE)

FELBER: Wow.

DICKINSON: That was wild.

KONDABOLU: Wow.

SAGAL: And it was so cool - now, the thing about the car - we love this. The payload of the test rocket has to be something disposable in case it blows up. So Elon Musk used a Tesla, specifically his own Tesla Roadster. And they put a mannequin behind the wheel, and they cranked up David Bowie on the stereo. And they sent it into space. So the day ended with live shots of this car floating in space and the sound of yelling from down on Earth, where Elon Musk realized he had left his house keys in the glove compartment.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: You know the thing about a Tesla space?

SAGAL: What?

FELBER: From there, it's just as easy to get parts.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Ooh.

KONDABOLU: Ooh.

FELBER: Oh, yeah - I've got some friends with Teslas. You know what I'm talking about.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The only thing was - it was so cool to watch, especially when the boosters landed back down...

DICKINSON: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...That they needed a - like, a chyron on the screen going, not computer generated.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is a real thing that's happening.

FELBER: Yeah. Well, they also were trying to convince - I don't know if you read about this - the flat-Earthers because it had a live feed back at the Earth the entire time. It disproved all those flat-Earth people...

SAGAL: Right.

FELBER: ...Although the flat-Earth people didn't totally agree with them.

SAGAL: No, no, no. no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So one of the flat-Earth people said - this is true - they said our message is spreading around the globe.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Oh, that's awesome.

SAGAL: Your last quote, Laura, is from the head of the food and beverage conglomerate PepsiCo, and she's talking about women.

KURTIS: "They don't like to crunch too loudly in public, and they don't lick their fingers generously."

SAGAL: Those were the comments that got everybody excited this week about her company introducing what potentially great new product?

ARCADAHANI: That would be Doritos for women.

SAGAL: Yes, Lady Doritos.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Oh, it was so exciting. It was a beautiful dream. Indra Nooyi - she's the CEO of PepsiCo. She did a podcast in which she talked about female preferences in regard to snack food, like their product Doritos. And she said women don't want crumbs on their hands, and they don't want loud crunching. And more than anything, they don't want chips that Doritos-plain (ph) to them...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...A chip that says actually, I'm not flavored like a ranch. It's ranch dressing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So everybody was excited 'cause everybody was like, oh, my gosh, Pepsi's introducing Lady Doritos, Doritos for her. But it turns out not to be true. PepsiCo put out a statement. They said there are already Doritos for ladies. They're called Doritos.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: So Peter, here's one thing they could do.

SAGAL: Yes.

DICKINSON: You know, Doritos are triangle shaped.

SAGAL: They are.

DICKINSON: Those of you who, like me - I like to get the big bag and finish it - in one sitting.

SAGAL: Yes.

DICKINSON: What happens to the roof...

FELBER: The Big Grab?

DICKINSON: The big one...

FELBER: Yeah, yeah.

DICKINSON: ...The Big Grab.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: What happens to the roof of your mouth...

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: ...On those points - it really, really - they can actually...

SAGAL: A little sharp.

DICKINSON: ...Embed in the roof of your mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: If you're eating a lot of them at once...

SAGAL: Yeah.

FELBER: And you are.

DICKINSON: And you are. So that is something I think they could work on.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: If it were more...

SAGAL: More rounded.

DICKINSON: ...Stackable or...

FELBER: Or a mouthguard that came with it.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Great idea.

FELBER: Yeah.

SAGAL: I'm glad you outed yourself, if you will, as a Doritos fan because one of the other things that she said about women who enjoy Doritos and snack foods is that, unlike men, they don't like to do the thing where you pick up the bag that's almost empty and you shake all the little crumbs and debris.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Nobody has to do that.

DICKINSON: How do you think I got this eye shadow color?

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I would like to - you know, I grew up on a farm. I would like to just strap on the bag. Like, it should come with...

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: ...Like, loops that you can pull up and just pull around your ears.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: That would be awesome.

SAGAL: Not so much Doritos for ladies as Doritos for mares.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: The whole idea of Lady Doritos is - it's so 19th century, isn't it?

SAGAL: Yes.

FELBER: Like - yes, of course - they get so alarmed at the crunch. It can cause hysterical blindness.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how do Laura do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Laura did so well she qualifies for a job at the White House.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Laura.

(APPLAUSE)

ARCADAHANI: Yay. Thank you. I appreciate it.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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