Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Stormy Weather," "Trumpsy-Turvey," and "The Botchelor."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Wakanda forever. I'm Bill-monger (ph), Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...In downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much. We have a fine show for you today. Like everybody else, we've been hearing all this stuff about tariffs and that they're a great idea and that they're a terrible idea and that they're, in fact, both. So we are confused. We thought we'd bring on an expert. That's Austan Goolsbee. He is a former White House economic adviser. We don't expect him to understand any of this, either, but we're hoping his confusion makes us feel better about ours.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So give us a call. We'll talk about stuff that's over all our heads. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JOE BERTELLONI: Hey, Peter, how's it going?

SAGAL: Oh, it's going well. Who's this?

BERTELLONI: This is Joe calling from Rutland, Vt.

SAGAL: Rutland, Vt. I know Rutland. That's up there by the mountains, right?

BERTELLONI: Yes, it is, over by Killington Mountain.

SAGAL: Yeah. Are you a skier?

BERTELLONI: No. No. I'm an apres-skier.

SAGAL: You're (laughter) - you just go right to the part where you drink. I think that's very smart.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Joe, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of "Science Goes To The Movies" on PBS. It now has its own YouTube channel. I'm talking about Faith Salie.

(APPLAUSE)

BERTELLONI: Hey.

FAITH SALIE: Hi, Joe.

SAGAL: Next, a comedian performing in Royal Oak, Mich., April 12 to the 14 at the Comedy Castle. It's Alonzo Bodden.

(APPLAUSE)

ALONZO BODDEN: Hey, Joe.

BERTELLONI: Hey, Alonzo.

SAGAL: And we're welcoming to the panel this week a new panelist. She's a regular host of The Moth's live shows. Her memoir is called "The Clancys Of Queens." It's Tara Clancy.

(APPLAUSE)

TARA CLANCY: Hey. Hey, Joe. How you doing?

BERTELLONI: Hey, yourself.

SAGAL: So, Joe, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. Of course, if you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize - the voice of anyone from our show you choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

BERTELLONI: Let's do it.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is a headline we saw on CNN.

KURTIS: She's taking the White House by storm(y).

SAGAL: That's...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Not a headline about the big blizzard this week but about allegations that Donald Trump had paid hush money to whom?

BERTELLONI: That would be Stormy Daniels.

SAGAL: Stormy Daniels, yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You have to give Donald Trump credit. We've known for about three months that he paid off a porn star right before the election to keep her from talking about their affair. And it wasn't a big deal. People were like, Trump, porn star, $130,000 - that's a little high.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's so bizarre. When they make a documentary about the Trump era, someone will have to make a non-porn parody.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Have you guys been following the saga of le affair Stormy (ph)?

SALIE: Oh, the optics on the headline are not good. Trump gags porn star. It's not...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It's incredibly complicated. The woman's name is Stormy Daniels, but her real name is Stephanie Clifford. But in the contract with Trump, she is referred to by the pseudonym Peggy Peterson. It is so tough to keep all the names straight. Fortunately for Trump, when he gets excited, he only shouts out his own name.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: You know who I really feel sorry for, Peter?

SAGAL: Who?

BODDEN: I actually have a friend who runs a comedy club in - near Seattle, and his name is Dave Dennison.

SAGAL: Oh, no.

BODDEN: And...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...I imagine his Twitter feed is mighty busy right now.

SAGAL: Oh, I can imagine.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, I mean, like, they're trying to cover this up, and they're lying about it. You know Trump, in his heart of hearts, wants to brag about it - a porn star. If he could, he'd land an F-16 on her and raise a mission accomplished banner.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: And you know somebody's job is to keep him from doing that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Like, you know Mike Tyson - they said Mike Tyson paid a guy who would just walk around behind him, going, you're the champ. You're the best. You're the best. Somebody is paying someone right now to follow Trump around like, don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. You can't say it.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Don't say it.

SAGAL: All right, Joe. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: The new fake news narrative is that there is chaos in the White House. Wrong. There is no chaos, only great energy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was the president, of course, reacting to widespread reports that there's a lot of what in the White House?

BERTELLONI: Oh, that there is a lot of chaos.

SAGAL: Indeed, yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We would not have accepted great energy, by the way.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So just days after Hope Hicks said she was leaving the White House, senior economic adviser Gary Cohn announced his resignation. People keep referring to the revolving door of this White House, but no one is going in.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's not a revolving door. It's a trash chute.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And even though he says, there's no chaos - no chaos - Trump also said this week he, quote, "likes conflict." And he likes, he said, watching two or more of his aides fight it out in front of him, often with chair legs or that bust of Winston Churchill they kept. We finally understand why he had it remodeled as the octagon office.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: It's getting to the point that, like, working at the White House - you come and go so fast, pretty much anyone's going to be able to say, I worked at the White House. Right? Like, because I don't know about you, Faith. I was there for two weeks. I had a gig.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Like, you're just not going to be able to prove that you didn't. It's...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Yeah.

SAGAL: It's going to be - we'll all have to prove, no, no. I really wasn't there. The latest departure, as I said, from the White House was Gary Cohn, who Trump, during his farewell cabinet meeting on TV - Trump repeatedly called him a globalist - globalist Cohn. People said globalist was just a sly way of saying Jew, but I think that's giving Trump too much credit.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's not like there's a second meaning of globalist. He doesn't know what the first one is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, he thought Cohn played for that funny basketball team, the Harlem Globalists.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I am - you know, I married a New Yorker. I'm raising my kids half-globalist.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: That's why we circumcised my son.

BODDEN: Oh, he'll be glad to hear that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Joe...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Guys, enough of that. It's time to move onto the important news. Joe, your last quote comes from someone engaged to a woman named Lauren.

KURTIS: Becca, will you marry me?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The guy who said that has become a national villain among the people who watch what show?

BERTELLONI: Oh, my wife and I watch this show every week. It's "The Bachelor." It's Arie Luyendyk Jr.

(LAUGHTER)

BERTELLONI: I love this show. Becca, if you're listening...

SAGAL: I should explain for the, I guess, at this point, the one or two other people in our audience who does not watch "The Bachelor." So "The Bachelor" is this reality show in which one good-looking man chooses a mate from 30 different women who, weirdly, all seem to have the same set of teeth.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And this last week, during the final episode of the season, this guy, Arie, proposed to Becca K., not to be confused with Bekah M., and dumped Lauren B., who is not to be confused with Lauren J., Lauren S. and Lauren G. They were also on the show. He dumped them earlier, right?

But after being engaged to Becca K. for an entire month and a half, he told her on camera that he was still in love with Lauren B. I'm sorry. Am I indignant enough? Because I have no idea what I am saying.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

CLANCY: This one was wild to me. And they are trying - did you hear this? - they're trying to - I don't know who it is, if it's the governor - I don't know who it is. They're trying to ban the guy now from Minnesota.

SALIE: Minnesota, yes.

(LAUGHTER)

CLANCY: They're saying, you can't come here.

SAGAL: Right.

CLANCY: Eleven-thousand people have signed a petition. The guy's out. He can't go to a state in this country...

SAGAL: Yeah.

CLANCY: ...Because he was on this show.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is Minnesota - the home state of the woman he jilted, who was Becca, Lauren or somebody like that.

CLANCY: Yeah. He's out.

SAGAL: And this is true. This - actually, it's introduced as a bill in the Minnesota legislature. It hasn't been passed into law.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All true. Apparently - and I know you're dying to know what happened - right? - between - you are - between Arie and Becca and Lauren. So he had - he had dumped Lauren apparently, but then he had second thoughts about her because Lauren, as she put it, took her walls down, right? And Becca will have her revenge by getting another wall built and making Lauren pay for it.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: Is it binding when you promise to marry him? Or is it just...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: It's like, this is just for the show. We're not going to actually get married or anything.

CLANCY: And I understand why they can't have a lesbian version of this show.

SALIE: Why?

CLANCY: Right? It would be one episode. We'd be like, let's get married. The end. In the first - that'd be it.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

CLANCY: The show would last 16 seconds. The end.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: Guess not.

SAGAL: And then, in lesbian "Bachelor" - "Bachelorette," I guess, and then they - they've rejected each other, but they all remain friends like gay men do.

CLANCY: Forever, yeah. You'd have to be in touch with all however many people are on the show. I've never seen this before. How many contestants are on the...

SAGAL: They start with 30 bachelorettes.

CLANCY: Yeah, you'd have to know them for the rest of your life. They'd have to come to your baby showers, like, everything you've ever done again. You'd be walking down the street, they'd be following you like chicklets (ph), you know, like ducklings. They imprinted on you.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Yeah.

BODDEN: If you were...

CLANCY: All the listeners at home should know that I'm a lesbian, right? I just realized no one can see me. If you could see me, you wouldn't need to ask.

(LAUGHTER)

CLANCY: Just so you know, sisters, I'm selling us out, all right? It's me.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Joe do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Joe, we love you.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: You got them all right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Joe.

BERTELLONI: Thank you very much. Thank you.

SAGAL: Take care.

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