BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Climb up on me and work up a sweat. I'll be your tread-Bill (ph)...
KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis.
KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
SAGAL: Thanks, everybody. We have a great show for you today. We are very excited about our guest, Emmy-winning actor Uzo Aduba from "Orange Is The New Black." She'll be joining us later. But first, it's August, meaning the August news doldrums. Traditionally, that's when Congress goes on break, and everybody else goes on vacation, and everything shuts down, and nothing happens.
SAGAL: And usually, that's a drag for us.
SAGAL: Nowadays, we're, like, things, for the love of God, stop happening.
SAGAL: Sadly, our prayers have not been answered.
SAGAL: Give us a call so we can get started catching up. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.
Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
SAM HOWELL: Hi, this is Sam Howell from Louisville, Ky.
SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Louisville?
HOWELL: It is wonderful - a little steamy and hot, but that's only to be expected in August, I would imagine.
SAGAL: I guess so. What do you do there?
HOWELL: I actually work sales for a brewing company.
SAGAL: A brewing company?
HOWELL: Yes, sir.
HOWELL: In beer? How does beer go over in bourbon country?
HOWELL: You know, you've got to take a break and ease off the throttle every once in a while...
HOWELL: ...So it goes pretty well down here.
SAGAL: Yeah (laughter). Well, Sam, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian who'll be performing at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Tampa, Fla. on August 16 through the 19 - it's Alonzo Bodden.
ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, Sam.
HOWELL: Hey, Alonzo.
SAGAL: Next, it's the comedian who'll be at the North Bar on August 5 and Chicago's Laugh Factory on August 8 - it's Adam Burke.
ADAM BURKE: Hey, how's it going?
HOWELL: Hey, Adam.
SAGAL: Finally, it's the features writer for The Washington Post Style section - it's Roxanne Roberts.
ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi, Sam.
HOWELL: Hey, Roxanne.
SAGAL: So, Sam, welcome to the show. I'm sure you anticipated this, but you're going to start us off with a round of Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis right here is going to recreate for you three quotations we found in the week's news. Your job - explain or identify them; 2 times out of 3, you'll win a prize - the voice of your choice from our show on your voicemail. All clear? Ready to do this?
HOWELL: That sounds perfect. Let's roll.
SAGAL: All right. For your first quote, it's Rudolph William Louis Giuliani, attorney at law.
KURTIS: "My client didn't do it, and even if he did it, it's not a crime."
SAGAL: Who is that client?
HOWELL: That would be Donald Trump.
SAGAL: Yes, President Trump.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Giuliani says he's now the president's lawyer, but he really seems more like the president's internal monologue...
SAGAL: ...Given a human body. He says just what the president is thinking. It's like "Cyrano de Bergerac," but they're both ugly and can't talk good.
SAGAL: So he's, like - he's going on TV, and he's saying all these crazy things. He didn't do it, but if he did do it, there's nothing wrong with him doing it. The only question you have watching Giuliani talking on TV as the president's lawyer is, was this guy court-appointed?
BODDEN: Yeah. If you were a criminal, and that was your lawyer...
BODDEN: ...It would be, like, the worst thing, and, like, you would - your second crime would be killing your lawyer.
BURKE: One of my favorite things that he said - didn't he - at one point he said, I'm not sure that that's a crime...
BURKE: ...Which is the first thing you want to hear your defense lawyer say.
SAGAL: Well, I mean, so it's important to know, like, that is where we are, OK? OK. There was a meeting, but the president didn't know about it. OK. He knew about it, but there was no collusion. OK. There might have been collusion, but that's not a crime. That's where we are. Next - OK. It is a crime, but it's not a bad crime. OK.
SAGAL: OK. It's a bad crime, but it's not like he murdered two people. OK.
SAGAL: He murdered two people, but they deserved it. OK.
SAGAL: They didn't deserve it. But Trump couldn't have killed them because he was in a meeting with the Russians.
BODDEN: Do you think somewhere Chris Christie's sitting back saying, and I couldn't get a job?
SAGAL: I know.
SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote.
KURTIS: "I hide nothing in this magnificent tome."
SAGAL: That was Virginia Republican Denver Riggleman. He's a candidate for Congress. And he was talking about a book he purportedly wrote about the erotic adventures of whom?
HOWELL: Oh, man.
ROBERTS: No, not man.
HOWELL: I'm not super sure actually.
SAGAL: Yeah. Well, it made political news this week. I'll give you a hint. This book would be part of a series including "Seduced By Sasquatch" and "The Heavy, Petty Yeti."
HOWELL: I mean, would it just be Bigfoot?
SAGAL: Yes, Bigfoot.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
BURKE: Yeah, Bigfoot.
SAGAL: There was a time we can almost remember when the idea of Bigfoot erotica playing a role in the future control of the House of Representatives would have seemed insane.
SAGAL: But this is 2018, so it feels more like a return to normalcy. So Mr. Riggleman's Democratic opponent discovered an Instagram post in which Riggleman shared a pic of Bigfoot showing off his, shall we say, mythical attribute...
SAGAL: ...And saying he was writing a book about it. And the opponent wrote, quote, "Riggleman's been exposed as a devotee of Bigfoot porn."
SAGAL: "This is not what we need on Capitol Hill" - unquote.
SAGAL: To which we say, really? Have you met the guys on Capitol Hill?
SAGAL: This would liven up the place, right? He gets elected. It's, like, Congressman, any comment on the budget? No, but have I ever shown you my slash fiction, "Horny And The Hendersons?"
ROBERTS: See, I...
SAGAL: Oh, God.
ROBERTS: ...Must be way too conventional because I think...
ROBERTS: I mean, I get the big feet part, but I don't understand - like, think of all the women who kind of go, like, eww, he's got a hairy back, all right? And, like, that's supposed to be a bad thing, so how does Bigfoot fit into that?
SAGAL: Not only that, but I've got to say, the plots in Bigfoot porn are ridiculous. Who would hire Bigfoot to deliver a pizza?
BODDEN: Can you imagine Bigfoot cleaning your pool?
BODDEN: Just more and more hair in the pool.
SAGAL: Or, like, she's, like, professor, what can I do to get a better grade? And he's, like, (roaring).
BURKE: And does Bigfoot porn also come out blurry?
BURKE: I'm not quite sure what happened.
SAGAL: All right. We survived that. Let's move on, Sam.
HOWELL: (Laughter) Let's go.
SAGAL: Your last quote is from an official speaking this week from the San Antonio, Texas, aquarium.
KURTIS: "I can't believe what she's been through. She's a little fighter. She's a survivor."
SAGAL: That official was talking about a heist this week that involved a stolen what?
HOWELL: A shark, I believe.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...A shark. Very good, Sam.
SAGAL: Security cameras at the San Antonio Aquarium caught two men and a woman pushing a baby stroller as they cased the shark tank. Then, when no one was looking, they reached into the shark tank, pulled out Mark Cuban...
SAGAL: ...First, threw him back...
SAGAL: ...Pulled out a small horn shark named Miss Helen...
SAGAL: ...Stowed it in a bucket in the stroller and ran for it.
ROBERTS: They wrapped her in a baby blanket. You forgot that part.
SAGAL: Oh, I forgot. They had made her look like a...
SAGAL: ...Little baby.
ROBERTS: They made it look like a little baby for the...
BODDEN: That's the most awkward moment where, you know, you can never say someone's baby is ugly?
BODDEN: You know, aw, look at your little shark baby.
SAGAL: People are asking, why would anybody steal a shark? Well, it could be because people now apparently want sharks as pets. According to The Wall Street Journal, shark tanks are the hot new home accessory for the 1 percent. One rich jerk told The Journal he put a shark tank in his LA home because now you control them. It's payback.
ROBERTS: Is that real?
SAGAL: Yeah, I guess he was tired of being bossed around by sharks. I had no idea.
BODDEN: The only hope is that they'll swim with their pets...
BODDEN: ...And they'll sort of thin the herd of the 1 percent.
SAGAL: I wonder, are sharks like cats? I mean, you need to get a couple so they don't get lonely. And then, pretty soon, you're the crazy shark lady with 13 sharks.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Sam do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Sam made his way through the most bizarre quiz we have ever had.
KURTIS: And he did well - 3 and 0.
SAGAL: Congratulations, Sam.
HOWELL: Thank y'all.
SAGAL: Thanks for playing.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
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