Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Public Lender, On The Cat Walk and Oh The Carols Inside Are Frightening.
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Limericks

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Limericks

Limericks

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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924, or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming show in Orlando, Fla., on November 15.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ALICE WEISER: Hello. How are you, Peter?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Who's this?

WEISER: Alice Weiser in Houston, Texas.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Houston?

WEISER: Well, it's good and it's bad. I mean, it's cold one day and hot the next day, but I love it here.

SAGAL: I'm glad you do. What do you do there?

WEISER: I'm a handwriting analyst and body language consultant.

SAGAL: Wait a minute. You're a what? A handwriting analyst and body language consultant?

WEISER: Right.

SAGAL: Well, what sort of things do you do in that vein?

WEISER: Well, for companies, jury selection, entertainment on cruise ships - things of this type because the time you place your pen on a piece of paper, your entire personality unfolds.

SAGAL: What does it mean if your handwriting is completely illegible to everyone including yourself?

WEISER: You know who you are. And if they don't know, that's their problem.

HELEN HONG: Yeah. Boom.

SAGAL: Well, thank you very much.

HONG: Boom.

WEISER: I mean, what can I say?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Alice. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play?

WEISER: Oh, I hope I can be a winner.

SAGAL: Oh, me, too. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I'll get kayaks and cake pans and dried berries at this book-lending place on the high prairie. With this one magic card, I'll get tools for the yard. I can borrow all this from the...

WEISER: Oh, gosh. Yardman. No. I missed it. Berries. I don't think I know this.

SAGAL: It rhymes with dried berries, high prairie. Shh.

WEISER: Library.

KURTIS: Library, OK.

SAGAL: Library, yes.

HONG: Yay. There you go.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In the olden days, libraries only checked out books. And books, you might recall, are two pieces of hard paper...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...With a soft paper center that's covered in words that don't do anything when you touch them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, these are tough times for libraries as everything's going online, so many libraries are expanding what they offer, according to a story in The Washington Post. Instead of just books, you can get fishing poles from one library in Illinois. The New York Public Library offers briefcases and bags for people going on job interviews. A library in Oregon has 30 ukuleles because, of course they do. Interesting side note - if you keep a ukulele past its due date, they pay you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: On our runway, this model went splat, licked its butt, swiped at legs, hissed and spat. The worst part, I'm sure, it is wearing real fur. Our fashion show's plagued by a...

WEISER: Oh, my God.

HONG: Meow.

WEISER: I thought I knew everything by Cat. By a cat.

SAGAL: Yes, a cat.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Fashion critics couldn't help but say, meow, at the Esmod International Fashion Show in Istanbul this week after a stray cat wandered onto the catwalk during the show. While models strutted and posed past her, the cat laid back, occasionally scratched herself and swatted at the models. And then, just like a contestant on "America's Next Top Model," the cat stood up confidently, walked down the center of the runway, stopped, turned and licked her butt.

(LAUGHTER)

ADAM BURKE: Are people going to be mad when that's not in the collection?

SAGAL: I think so. I wanted to look like that.

Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: I don't live at the pole where Kris Kringle dwells. All those songs make my brain into single cells. I have suffered the peril of too many carols. I went nuts from exposure to...

WEISER: Perils. Carols. Oh, my gosh. I think I do better at handwriting.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know. It's amazing.

HONG: (To tune of "Jingle Bells") Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding.

(SOUNDBITE OF WHISTLING TO TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS")

WEISER: Bells?

SAGAL: Well, you've already won, so I'll tell you it's "Jingle Bells."

WEISER: "Jingle Bells."

SAGAL: I went nuts from exposure to "Jingle Bells."

(APPLAUSE)

WEISER: Oh, my Lord.

SAGAL: Christmas music makes you crazy, according to a clinical psychologist and everybody.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The notion is that the brain tends to prefer things it's familiar with, so it actually takes mental energy to not focus on the Christmas carols being played incessantly in the background and focus on what you're supposed to be doing, the open-heart surgery.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You'll find yourself disoriented and confused because you're subconsciously spending energy trying to ignore yet another rendition of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer," not to mention the emotional stress of losing a grandparent to such a horrible accident.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Can I just say how charming I find it that Alice doesn't know how limericks work?

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I just imagine some guy going to her door. There was an old man from Nantucket. And she's like, go on.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I must know more about this old man.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'm intrigued.

Hey, Bill, how did Alice do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She got 2 out of 3 right. That makes her a winner. Alice, good going.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Alice.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much, Alice, for playing.

WEISER: Thanks a lot.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

WEISER: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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