Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Fashion Restraint, Fishy Condiment and Pathogenic Steering.
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Limericks

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Limericks

Limericks

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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And if you're tired of our panelists getting questions wrong, and you think you can do better, test out your smarts anytime with our new smart speaker quiz. Just ask your Alexa or Google Home to open the Wait Wait Quiz. Say, open the Wait Wait Quiz. Give yourself the sense of superiority you know you deserve.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You might even win a prize.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

COLLEEN DAVIS: Hi.

SAGAL: Hi. Who's this?

DAVIS: This is Colleen from Nashville, Tenn.

SAGAL: Hey. How are things in Nashville?

DAVIS: They are wonderful. I believe Cher's in town tonight.

SAGAL: Cher's in town. That's exciting. Do you know that, out of all the human beings who've ever lived, she is the only one who's actually immortal?

DAVIS: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What do you do there in Nashville?

DAVIS: I'm a dentist.

SAGAL: You're a dentist.

DAVIS: I am.

SAGAL: Do you get - do you work with, like, the - because I know Nashville is filled with aspiring music stars. So do these guys come in and say, I need a perfect smile for when I'm on the Grand Ole Opry or I'm doing my music videos or whatever it may be?

DAVIS: Absolutely. We do everything. We do a little bit of everything with teeth.

SAGAL: So someday, though, you'll be watching that at the Country Music Awards and go, that's my bicuspid.

(LAUGHTER)

DAVIS: That's right.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Colleen. You know what we're going to do at this point in the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play?

DAVIS: Yeah.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: At awards shows, I flaunt my big star-ness. My accessory's vest-like and armless. It's a leather restraint that's both flashy and quaint. Like a horse, I am wearing a...

DAVIS: Harness.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes, a harness.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Red carpets are always abuzz over who's wearing what. And now it's, who's wearing a what now?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This year's hot item for the men is the decorative male harness. If you don't know...

MAEVE HIGGINS: My fiance was wearing that at the...

SAGAL: Really?

HIGGINS: Michael B. Jordan, yeah.

SAGAL: Oh, he's your fiance.

HIGGINS: He is.

SAGAL: Oh, I didn't know.

HIGGINS: Oops - I wasn't supposed to say.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: But he was wearing a harness that I got him for...

SAGAL: So you're saying that you're engaged, and that whole restraining order thing was just a dodge.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Yeah, that was a mix-up. It was a restraining garment, which was a harness.

SAGAL: Yes.

ADAM FELBER: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: So it was so silly what happened.

SAGAL: For those...

FELBER: Mix-up...

HIGGINS: We're doing well.

SAGAL: For those who have not seen, Maeve's fiance, Michael B. Jordan - he wore it at an award show. It sort of looks like the straps for a backpack, but there isn't any backpack. It's kind of like - it's like a cloth brace. It's scoliosis chic.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, if you don't know what this looks like, go ahead and Google male in harness.

FELBER: Or don't.

SAGAL: But...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. Don't do it at work. And don't do it at home. Yeah, just don't...

FELBER: Don't do it.

SAGAL: ...Do it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But, as you say, Michael B. Jordan was the latest to wear this - rock this look. He had a floral Louis Vuitton harness. It was either that or it was the thing that his mom used to use to carry him around at the mall - you know, his Baby Bjorden (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Our condiments ratings will ratch (ph) up. With burgers or fries, it's still matched up. Red pearls in a jar like a sauce caviar - we're getting some real fancy...

DAVIS: Ketchup.

SAGAL: Yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Ketchup - very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: If you're someone who thinks of ketchup as being too easy to eat or not gelatinous enough, well, try new Heinz Ketchup Caviar. As the name implies, ketchup caviar are the eggs that come from the rare ketchup sturgeon.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No. They're actually just weird - little, weird ketchup-filled sort of BBs.

TOM BODETT: Globules.

SAGAL: Globules, yeah. It's like little gel caps. And if you offer...

BODETT: It's like hemoglobin.

SAGAL: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: When you offer your dinner guests ketchup caviar, they'll know they're dining in a very classy home - or that they're about to play their tastiest game of paintball ever.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: But also, isn't it, like, that top of ketchup that nobody wants - like, that film that grows...

SAGAL: Yeah...

HIGGINS: ...Over the ketchup...

SAGAL: ...That you scrape away.

HIGGINS: ...That you usually don't want?

FELBER: That's the best part.

BODETT: Unless it's the very last bit of ketchup in the house. And then...

HIGGINS: And then you'll take it.

BODETT: ...Kind of chip it off.

HIGGINS: Do they at least spell caviar with a K?

SAGAL: I hope so.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Meanwhile...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Back with Colleen, here is your final limerick.

KURTIS: This car rental gives me a leery feel. Having wet wipes close is an endearing deal. Hands at ten and at two makes a nasty germ stew. Yes, a car's really gross at the...

DAVIS: Driving wheel - steering wheel.

SAGAL: Steering wheel, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Steering wheel - you bet.

SAGAL: Turns out that steering wheels - your friendly steering wheel in your own car - are four times dirtier than public toilet seats, which means it's time to remind everyone out there to always lift the seat when driving. People spend lots of time in their cars...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Even sleeping and eating them. But 32 percent of those surveyed admit they rarely clean it. Well, 100 percent of those people admit that by rarely, they mean never.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: We humans are such primitives that, like, every year a scientist releases a study that points out that something that people touch all the time is really dirty. And we're all like, whoa, I never would have suspected that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And, of course, you're right, Adam. Your steering wheel is not the only thing about driving that's filthy. How about gas pump handles? - 12,000 times the germ load of a public toilet.

HIGGINS: That's why...

BODETT: Wow.

HIGGINS: ...I always light a match when I'm near them because (unintelligible).

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Cleanse.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Colleen do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Colleen just did very, very well. We call it 3-0.

SAGAL: Congratulations...

DAVIS: Awesome.

SAGAL: ...Colleen.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: And they were hard, too.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Colleen. Take care. Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "TALK DIRTY")

JASON DERULO: (Singing) Talk dirty to me. Talk dirty to me.

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