Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: A Touching Candidac, What Is Winning? and Captain Catheter.
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Who's Bill This Time?

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Who's Bill This Time?

Who's Bill This Time?

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, Thanos - forget the Infinity Stones. Listen to my infinity tones.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody, so much. Thank you for being with us. We have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Laird Hamilton - legendary surfer, fitness model, lifestyle and exercise guru. Basically, his job is to be cooler than you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first, we wanted to commemorate the third anniversary of one of the greatest events in NPR history. On April 28, 2016, on take your child to work day, a child reached out an adorable little finger, pushed a button and took NPR off the air...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...During Morning Edition. It sounded...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...A little bit like this.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

UNIDENTIFIED REPORTER: Jeffrey Katzenberg will stay behind at Dreamworks to work on...

(SOUNDBITE OF BEEP)

SAGAL: That silence lasted for 73 seconds...

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: ...Which is a period of time that we in the radio business call forever.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But due to the popular response to this event, NPR has created a new corporate holiday which we celebrated this past week - leave your damn child at home day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway, we really want to hear your voice, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MIYUKI FROTADO: Hi, how are you?

SAGAL: I'm good. Who's this?

FROTADO: This is Miyuki from Irvington, N.Y.

SAGAL: Irvington, N.Y. - so what do you do there in Irvington?

FROTADO: I'm a musician.

SAGAL: Are you really?

FROTADO: I am.

SAGAL: And do you make your living doing that? Because I know that's hard to do.

FROTADO: Well, you know, making a living is sort of a - kind of a big stretch. But yeah...

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Miyuki. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, a comedian currently on tour with Dana Gould in The Show With Two Heads - info at danagould.com - it's Bobcat Goldthwait.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Next, the host of the daily podcast TBTL and the public radio variety show Live Wire, which will be back at the Alberta Rose Theatre in Portland on May 16 - it's Luke Burbank.

(CHEERING)

LUKE BURBANK: Hey, Miyuki. They're saying Miyuki.

SAGAL: Miyuki. And finally, a comedian you can see in Santa Rosa, Calif., May 18 at the Luther Burbank Center for the Arts and in St. Paul, Minn., on June 7 at the Fitzgerald Theater. You can hear her on the podcast Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone. It's Paula Poundstone.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: So, Miyuki, welcome to the show. You know how this works. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis right here is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain two of them. Do that, you win our prize - the voice of anyone you may like from our show on your voicemail. You ready to play?

FROTADO: I am indeed.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is a pronouncement from the president of the United States.

KURTIS: Welcome to the race, sleepy Joe.

SAGAL: That was the president in his own way welcoming somebody who finally announced he was running for president. Who is it?

FROTADO: Mr. Joe Biden.

SAGAL: Joe Biden.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: After just flirting with a presidential run - you know, coming up behind it, rubbing its shoulders...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Joe Biden announced on Thursday he's entering a race with eight declared women candidates at a time when Democrats are obsessed with rampant sexism. And the opening line of his announcement email was, quote, "America is an idea based on a founding principle - all men are created equal." Now, in so many ways, Vice President Biden just still has the touch.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He made his announcement via video, of which he said, you know, when I was a kid, we used to call these talkies.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And he presented himself sort of as an everyman candidate. It doesn't matter what race, age, gender or sexuality you are. Joe Biden wants to smell your hair.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Did you see the non-endorsement that Obama released?

SAGAL: No. What did he do?

BURBANK: It was just, like, I hear my good friend Joe Biden wants to be president.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Like, he was really noncommittal. It was like the - it was like if your friend asked you to come over to, like, their candle party.

SAGAL: Right.

BURBANK: Like, you have to go, but you really want to leave with a maximum of two candles.

SAGAL: Well, the problem is - I mean, his connection to Obama is his primary selling point. He was, of course, Obama's vice president for eight years. And people still like Obama in the Democratic Party. So people might vote for him - this is his theory - people will vote for him for the same reason you invite somebody you don't really like to your party - because you hope he'll bring his hot friend.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's interesting. It turns out that, of course, Joe Biden, like Mayor Pete Buttigieg, is a millennial. In Biden's case, it's because he is a thousand years old.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: If you take the age of his hair plugs and the age of his teeth, the average of his body parts is, like, 37 years old.

SAGAL: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: It's just so many, you know? I'm thinking maybe - I don't know. Maybe the runoff should be like red rover, red rover.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. Or maybe something more akin to "The Hunger Games" - arm them, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Miyuki. Your next quote is from game show legend Ken Jennings.

KURTIS: I don't feel I get enough credit for making small, sensible wagers, which helped the show with its prize budget.

SAGAL: Mr. Jennings was responding to the historic winning run of James Holzhauer, the current champion of what game show?

FROTADO: "Jeopardy."

SAGAL: Yes, "Jeopardy."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Everybody is calling James Holzhauer a genius. His crazy method - go for the questions worth the most money, right? So instead of choosing, you know, the first one at the top that's, like, a hundred bucks, he'd, like, choose the one at the bottom that's 500 bucks. His genius strategy is basically the same one as Steph Curry's - do the thing that gets more points.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Do you know I was on "Jeopardy" once? I played for a charity.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: And my charity had to give money back to "Jeopardy."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: They had to throw out some orphans from the shelter because you had taken so much money from them.

POUNDSTONE: Trips were taken away from ailing children.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I was on a game show in Australia where I just - I was tanking, so I just started slapping the other people's buzzer.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Because I knew...

SAGAL: What, reaching over?

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah. I could see when I was on camera or not, and I would just hit the other person's button...

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: ...Swear to god. And they'd go, Sophie.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: And she's, like, he keeps hitting my buttons.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: And I go, lady, if you're going to lose, just lose. Don't drag me into it.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: That's a true story.

BURBANK: Am I the only panelist who has not been on a game show? I have sometimes gotten home early and watched "Jeopardy" but then rewound it on the DVR and then rewatched it with my wife, so I seem, like, really smart.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What's crazy, of course, is people are criticizing this guy because he's too good. He's taking all the fun out of "Jeopardy." He's just going to win. He's showing off. On the day of his biggest win, he calculated out the right wagers so that his total when he won was a tribute to his daughter's birthday.

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: And all of the bitter nerds watching him said, oh, great. He had sex once, too.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Miyuki. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: You'd be well-advised to manage your expectations and, given its three-hour-plus runtime, your fluid intake.

SAGAL: That was NPR's own Glen Weldon giving some advice to people going to see what big movie this weekend?

FROTADO: Going to see "The Avengers: Endgame."

SAGAL: You even got the chapter title right. Yes...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ..."The Avengers: Endgame."

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: As you might remember, at the end of last year's "Avengers: Infinity War," half the superheroes dried up and blew away. The sequel, which takes place five years later, is about the survivors coping with the fact that superhero dust is highly allergenic.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Though - so this is the film that finally brings all the beloved comic characters together - Iron Man, Captain America, Spider-Man, the Hulk, Snoopy, Garfield...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...The guy from the Mr. Yuk stickers and the cast of "Family Circus."

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: They'll be able to find the little one because you'll see a little broken line...

SAGAL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BURBANK: ...Of where he went when he jumped over the swingset.

SAGAL: Yeah. The person who defeats Thanos is the ghost of Grandpa. That'd be awesome.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah, are you guys excited to see this?

GOLDTHWAIT: Only if it starts with Thanos snorting the other...

SAGAL: (Laughter) Just like...

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Just - he's just doing mad lines...

SAGAL: Doing lines of Spider-Man off a mirror.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's the worst.

GOLDTHWAIT: Well, they became powder. All right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, I will tell you this thing. This is actually true - that there is an - because the movie is so long, as you heard, some people are concerned about, you know, when you can take a bathroom break. There's no intermission. So there is an app that you can download on your phone. And you press the app button when the movie starts, and it will alert you at good times to go to the bathroom.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Now I have a new reason to hate other people in the movie theater.

SAGAL: Right.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: So people are messing around with their phones while you're trying to watch a movie.

SAGAL: Exactly.

POUNDSTONE: See. After we've already been discouraging this for years, and now they're...

SAGAL: Now they're encouraging it.

POUNDSTONE: Now they're encouraging it.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Exactly.

BURBANK: This is exactly what pissed Thanos off.

SAGAL: I know.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is why he had to kill half the people.

POUNDSTONE: You know what?

SAGAL: Because you're looking at your phone in the movie theater, half of you must die.

GOLDTHWAIT: What if you're in that - in the movie - you're an actor in it, and then your scene comes up, and it says, hey, now is a good time to take...

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: You'd be, like, I put my heart into this scene.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Miyuki do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Miyuki cut his way through our questions like an Avenger - 3 and 0.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Miyuki.

(APPLAUSE)

FROTADO: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing. Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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