Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Sir Archie," "The Biggest Loser" and "Westeros Blend."
NPR logo

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/722414733/722445749" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/722414733/722445749" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Forget about Bill Barr. Come to the bar with me, Bill Kurtis.

(CHEERING)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis, and here is your host at the Fox Theatre in St. Louis, Mo...

(CHEERING)

KURTIS: ...Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Bill. It is wonderful to be back in St. Louis. A few weeks ago, we, along with the rest of the Internet, learned how you people here slice your bagels.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Not horizontally, like normal people or Jews...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...But in little slices like a little, round loaf of bread. We're here because we wanted to come and ask you in person, what the hell is wrong with you?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be talking to one of the greatest St. Louis Cardinals who ever played. The Wizard of Oz himself, Ozzie Smith, is going to be here.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: But first, we want to see if you can handle our slow rollers, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

COURTNEY MORAN: Hey. This is Courtney Moran calling from New Orleans, La.

SAGAL: Hey, Courtney. How are you?

(APPLAUSE)

MORAN: I'm great.

SAGAL: I love New Orleans. You are lucky to live there. What do you do there?

MORAN: I am an event manager at a historic venue here.

SAGAL: So I know - is that a challenge? Because I know people from New Orleans really like to party a lot.

MORAN: It can definitely be a challenge.

SAGAL: Yes.

MORAN: It's the end of prom season right now, which I'm happy about because hundreds of children in New Orleans for a party - it's not as much fun as some might think it would be.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I don't think it would be fun at all with your open container laws at all. Well, welcome to the show, Courtney. Let me introduce you to our panel. First, it's a comedian whose debut comedy album, "Babylon Ball Z," is streaming everywhere. You can see him June 24 at The Moth GrandSLAM in Chicago. It's Brian Babylon.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, the syndicated advice columnist behind Ask Amy and the author of "Strangers Tend To Tell Me Things." It's Amy Dickinson.

(CHEERING)

AMY DICKINSON: Hey, Courtney.

MORAN: Hey, Amy.

SAGAL: And he's a man for all seasons, most especially spring. It's Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: Hello, Courtney.

(CHEERING)

MORAN: Hi, Tom.

SAGAL: So, Courtney, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show that you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to play?

MORAN: Yes.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote took up most of the space in a birth announcement this week.

KURTIS: Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.

SAGAL: That was the name that is longer right now than the person it was given to. Who is it?

(LAUGHTER)

MORAN: The new royal baby.

SAGAL: The royal baby.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: According to the United Nations, one million different species of life on Earth are going extinct. But at least we were able to save the rare, useless baby royal.

(LAUGHTER)

BRIAN BABYLON: I'm with that, man.

SAGAL: This is the first child of Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan. The baby is, I'm sure you want to know, seventh in line to the throne after his grandfather, his uncle and his cousins. So he'd better get to killing now.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Yeah. If that was "Game Of Thrones" he's, like, next - nearly next.

SAGAL: Nearly next, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Really, to put it in American terms, it's like being the secretary of agriculture, right?

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: So...

SAGAL: It's probably not going to happen. But you're allowed to dream about it.

DICKINSON: So I have a question about his name - a couple of questions.

SAGAL: Yes.

DICKINSON: His name is really Archie, not Archibald?

SAGAL: Archibald. It was Archie, not Archibald...

DICKINSON: Archie.

SAGAL: ...Not short for anything.

BABYLON: But I thought it was, like, isn't that that Jughead's friend?

DICKINSON: Yeah...

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: ...Jughead.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I was hoping.

SAGAL: They're big fans of "Riverdale." Now, a lot of people say we're too obsessed for the royals. We fought a war to not have to be obsessed with the royals. But come on. It's just so exciting, after the last couple of years, to see a Brit successfully exit something.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Oh, wow.

(CHEERING)

DICKINSON: Whoa.

SAGAL: And it's interesting - and apparently - you know, this was Meghan's first baby. Sometimes, that's hard. It was a challenging labor. But interestingly, by tradition, the OB/GYN who finally pulled the baby out is now the rightful king of England.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well, isn't - I mean, I don't know British history thoroughly. But is this the first royal with American blood - like, a colonial...

SAGAL: Apparently, there was somebody way back when. But certainly, it's the first modern royal.

BABYLON: Well, this is the first one that's black.

BODETT: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I mean, are we going to dance around that? Come on, guys.

(CHEERING)

BABYLON: And I don't know. I saw CNN did some horrible tagline like how...

DICKINSON: Is he black enough?

BABYLON: Yeah. How - will he be black enough? Or will they raise him black? Like, what the hell does that mean?

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: How do you raise a British black person?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, just...

BABYLON: I mean, they're all African-American, I thought. I don't know. Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, Prince - I don't know if you saw the video of Prince Harry coming out.

DICKINSON: So sweet.

SAGAL: He was so excited. He said the baby was, quote, "amazing." His wife was, quote, "amazing." And the birth itself was, quote - wait for it - "amazing."

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: But you know what? He also said something that men - I've never heard a man say.

BABYLON: What?

SAGAL: What?

DICKINSON: He said, I don't know how women do it.

(CHEERING)

DICKINSON: I have never heard a man say that. I'm sure men think that...

BABYLON: Well, men have said, oh, man...

BODETT: What kind of men do you hang around?

BABYLON: Yeah. I said that two weeks ago. Come on, Amy.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I thought that was so endearing.

SAGAL: It was. It was very - he was so delighted with everything. He was, frankly, just so happy after all the centuries of inbreeding...

BODETT: Yeah.

SAGAL: He was happy his baby didn't have feathers.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Your next quote is Newt Gingrich speaking on Fox News.

KURTIS: He didn't lose a billion dollars. He had a billion dollars in losses.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mr. Gingrich was explaining why, despite news of this astounding loss, who still really is a wonderful businessman?

MORAN: Could it be Trump?

SAGAL: It could be Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes - Donald Trump, our president.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The New York Times reported this week that Donald Trump lost one billion dollars between around 1985 and 1994. He lost money running a casino, hotels, airlines, a football team. On one occasion, he left 300,000,000 dollar bills in the pockets of his pants that he ran through the wash.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Honestly, we should have figured out he really wasn't that good at business when he tried to pay off Stormy Daniels with a Groupon.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Peter, can I just say one thing?

SAGAL: You may, Brian.

BABYLON: And this is what people need to realize. He lost a billion dollars back when a billion dollars was a billion dollars.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: That - meaning that's pre-Internet. So you couldn't, like, oh, man. I have an app. Oh, I'm a billionaire. Like, now it's a lot of billionaires prancing around. That's back when you had to destroy people's lives to get a billion dollars.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: He lost a billion dollars then.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: I mean, I know literally nothing about business, and I don't know if I could - I couldn't accidentally lose that much money. I would have to do it purposely.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: Well, he said it's a sport. It's a sport. You can find a child who owns a lemonade stand, and they would make better dividends than Donald Trump.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. Your next quote was an official statement from the PR department of HBO.

KURTIS: This was a mistake. Daenerys had ordered an herbal tea.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was the official explanation from HBO about how what appeared by mistake in a scene in "Game Of Thrones" last week?

MORAN: Starbucks. There was a Starbucks cup.

SAGAL: It was, in fact, a Starbucks cup.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Well, it was a to-go coffee cup. It's unclear as to whether it was a Starbucks cup. Starbucks is saying it was a Starbucks cup. In last week's episode of "Game Of Thrones," obsessive fans - also known as people without anything real to occupy their lives...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Spotted a Starbucks coffee cup sitting on a table in this supposedly medieval fantasy kingdom. Fans, of course, were outraged because in the books, Queen Daenerys drinks only Dunkin'.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: You know what I'm tripping at (ph), Peter?

SAGAL: What?

BABYLON: I thought it was supposed to be there because - there's no time machine in "Game Of Thrones"...

SAGAL: No, that's...

BODETT: I mean, it's a - they fly on dragons, you know? Like, why couldn't there be a Starbucks?

SAGAL: Yeah. I mean, they fly on dragons. They can't go to a Starbucks drive-thru...

BODETT: Right.

SAGAL: ...On the dragon. I mean, where do we stop...

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I have a question.

SAGAL: ...Our suspension of disbelief? Yes.

DICKINSON: How long was this cup in the shot? Was it seconds?

SAGAL: It was, like, one shot. And you don't - I mean...

DICKINSON: So did you notice it?

SAGAL: I did not.

BODETT: But I can see, like - it's like if you've got little kids, like, you're not surprised to see a Lego anywhere, you know?

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: Could be in your food, could be in your underwear drawer. They're just - and that's the way Starbucks cups are. Like, you don't even see them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's true. I'm sure you're right. Nobody noticed it.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Courtney do on our show?

KURTIS: Courtney won 3 and 0 - what a smart gal.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Congratulations. Thank you, Courtney. Hope you get some rest before the next party.

(SOUNDBITE OF RAMIN DJAWADI'S "MAIN TITLE (GAME OF THRONES)")

Copyright © 2019 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.