< 'Wait Wait' for Dec. 25th, 2021: A Stocking Full of Fun

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, wise men, try these gifts of the Magi - gold, frankincense and Kur-tis (ph). That's me - Bill Kurtis. And here is your host, celebrating Christmas in the tradition of his ancestors, by eating at a Chinese restaurant - Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. So we've made it to the end of another year. And while that doesn't usually qualify as an accomplishment, we feel like this time we earned a medal - another one.

KURTIS: We look forward to the day when we can once again celebrate the end of a year the normal way - with regret.

SAGAL: Our journey through 2021 was made easier by getting to talk to some really wonderful people, for example, actor and comedian Bowen Yang.

KURTIS: Here's an extended version of our visit with Bowen, who joined us in September. Peter introduced him by noting he had been voted most likely to appear on "SNL" in high school.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED NPR BROADCAST)

BOWEN YANG: Thank you so much. I feel like I would have violated some labor law if I had been working at "SNL" as a teenager, but I would have loved to.

SAGAL: When I heard that, I just immediately assumed that you were an extremely popular and funny kid in high school, right?

YANG: No.

SAGAL: No.

YANG: No. That was just my high school's way of using, like, florid language in terms of, like, the superlatives 'cause instead of being, like, prettiest person, it would be like, most likely to be on the cover of Vogue or something...

ROY BLOUNT JR: That's what I got.

YANG: (Laughter).

BLOUNT: It didn't pan out, no.

YANG: Oh, that's what Roy got - Roy. But I - yeah, that was just the high school's way of making it seem like an embellished kind of thing.

SAGAL: Did you have ambitions to be an entertainer at that time? Or is that what you were thinking for yourself?

YANG: I kind of - I repressed it. Hari will understand. It was just like an immigrant parent sort of thing where they were like, don't. You're not - there's no reason for you to do that. And so I - and I sort of really...

BLOUNT: What did they want you to do?

YANG: What did they want me to be anything be? Anything but. And so it was an active conversation. And then the first person who actually encouraged me to go in that direction was my dental hygienist.

BLOUNT: Oh, yeah.

SAGAL: Well, wait a minute. OK...

FAITH SALIE: Wait. How did that go? Was it when you were in the chair?

YANG: When I was in the chair and she was so sweet and nice and she - and she continued to be my hygienist for years. But she just asked me in a very disarming way, what do you want to be when you grow up?

SALIE: And you're like, (unintelligible).

YANG: Yeah, and (laughter) she got it.

SAGAL: I don't suppose you've heard from her in the last few years when you've become very successful.

YANG: I haven't. I would love for her to reach out. I forgot her name, too. I'm terrible.

BLOUNT: Clarice. They're mostly named Clarice.

YANG: Clarice (laughter). Clarice.

SAGAL: You were first a writer for "Saturday Night Live," which I did not know. When you were a writer, I mean, did you ever have to do those sketches that you're writing for the big celebrity guests? And was ever that intimidating to, like, writing for whomever the big star was in that particular week?

YANG: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, constantly, especially in that first year.

SAGAL: Have you ever pitched something to a celebrity and they're like, no, absolutely not, never going to do that?

YANG: They let you down easy. No one's ever, like, shut something down outright. I mean, the word maybe gets thrown around constantly at that point...

SAGAL: Really?

YANG: ...As a way of just pounding you with the soft poultice of a rejection.

(LAUGHTER)

YANG: Yeah.

HARI KONDABOLU: My favorite thing that you've done on the show - and there's been a lot - but was you playing the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

SALIE: Oh, the iceberg.

KONDABOLU: Did you write that, too? Or was that written for you?

YANG: I co-wrote it, but it was Anna Drezen's idea. She's one of the head writers. She texted me back in January of 2021 saying, hey, it's months away, but maybe during the Titanic anniversary, we - you come on Update as the iceberg, and you're just very incensed. And I was like, I don't know. What does that even look like? And it was one of those things where we were like, this has no reason to succeed. No one who makes decisions here will ever agree to let this go on TV because it's just ridiculous. For some reason, it slipped through the cracks. And I'm very grateful it did.

SAGAL: Are you, like, worried that you're going to be doing the iceberg for, like, the rest of your career on "Saturday Night Live"?

YANG: I'm not worried about it. I was a little annoyed in the summer, in the beginning of the summer, especially around Pride Month, when a lot of, like, cute guys would come up to me, and then they'd be, like, isn't it too hot for you to be outside? And I'd be like, oh, I thought you were...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, no. Oh, how heartbreaking. It may well be that your iceberg, your Titanic iceberg, is the most popular character for, like, the hoi polloi. But for sophisticates like myself, my favorite sketch has to be the Sara Lee Instagram account sketch.

KONDABOLU: Oh, that one, yeah.

YANG: Really? Wow. Peter, you like that one? That's great.

SAGAL: I thought that was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

YANG: Oh, thank you.

SAGAL: And for people who don't know, the sketch is that the guy who's handling - the young guy who's handling the Instagram account for Sara Lee is posting these insanely sexual things from his own life as Sara Lee. Did Sara Lee enjoy that sketch?

YANG: So unfortunately, one of - what happened was because Harry Styles was the host and he has a very particularly spirited following, a bunch of his fans commented on the Sara Lee - on the actual Sara Lee Instagram just the filthiest lines from the sketch.

KONDABOLU: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Oh, wait. So I need to explain. So Harry Styles was the guest host. He was playing the guy who was putting the stuff on the Instagram. And this stuff was - can you give me an example of the kind of things he was supposedly putting on the Sara Lee Instagram?

YANG: It would be like, wreck me, daddy. I'm really depressed after this threesome. Why do I feel rejected even though I - you know, even though I'm like, whatever - like, I'm not present when I'm having - like, all these things. But then what's - so what happened with Sara Lee was Harry Styles' fans were posting all these quotes from the sketch on the actual Sara Lee Instagram. And then Sara Lee started to delete - I understand why they did this. They started to delete a lot of these comments, and then people noticed that. And then they locked the account down. No one could comment on anything. So it seemed like the initial response was no, what's happening? Some poor person woke up Sunday morning and was like, what? And it has a nice ending to it because they sent a whole basket full of Artesano bread. That's the...

SAGAL: That's the good stuff. That's stuff that's in the gift basket.

YANG: That's the good stuff.

SAGAL: Yeah.

YANG: And so they sent that. And then they've had a - we've had a lovely relationship since.

SAGAL: And final question - tell me about your Emmy shoes.

YANG: Oh, yeah - happy to. They were metallic heels - six-inch heels, four inch and two-inch platforms. But - was the question, why did I wear them?

SAGAL: Yes.

SALIE: (Laughter).

YANG: Because they looked nice.

SAGAL: OK.

YANG: The only flak I got from, like, you know, sartorially minded people online was the pants should have been flared.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

YANG: The cut of the pant wasn't right. I'm like, OK. Thank you for the note.

SAGAL: I thought you looked lovely, your legs were quite shapely.

YANG: Thank you. Thank you, Peter.

SAGAL: Well, Bowen Yang, we are having too much fun, but we have work to do. We've asked you here to play a game we're calling...

KURTIS: Monday Through Friday Night Live.

YANG: (Laughter) Bill, that was - oh, that's amazing.

SAGAL: So you appear live on Saturday night in the season, so we were wondering what you knew about the shows that go live on weeknights - mainly, local news. So we're going to ask you three questions about local news broadcasts. If you get two out of three right, of course, you're going to win our prize for a listener. They get the voice of anyone they might choose on our show. Bill, who is Bowen Yang playing for?

KURTIS: Michelle Seymour (ph) of Seattle, Wash.

SAGAL: All right. Ready to do this?

YANG: Yes. Apologies in advance, Michelle.

SAGAL: Now, the first question is, local news has been wild for a while. Back in 1977, a British newsman had to endure what while interviewing a colorful local? Was it A, being served with divorce papers live on camera; B, the man seizing his chest, having a heart attack and collapsing into his arms; or C, a ferret clamping onto his finger and refusing to let go?

YANG: The ferret feels like a "Monty Python" sketch. I don't know. That sounds right.

SAGAL: Yes. It was, of course, the ferret.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Presenter Richard Whiteley tried to pry this ferret off his finger for a full 30 seconds, which is a long time when there's a ferret clamped to your finger. And he's trying to - he's like, get it off me. And his owner is sitting there - the ferret's owner, that is - saying, oh, he's just playing with you.

KONDABOLU: (Laughter).

SAGAL: All right. Second question, even the Weather Channel can get into trouble when it goes live, as when which of these things happened - A, a correspondent's hat blew off and he walked off to find it, leading to a solid minute of television showing just a tree; B, they tried to show the implosion of the Georgia Dome and an Atlanta city bus pulled in front of their camera for the exact 10 seconds during which the building fell down; or C, a report from a rare, live, sudden rainstorm in Albuquerque was ruined when the camera panned up and captured the spraying garden hose?

YANG: I mean, the Georgia Dome one sounds too specific for it not to be true.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That's what happened. And if you watch the video, which is, of course, online, it plays like a magic trick. There's a dome. Now there's a bus. Oh, there's no dome. It's amazing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, last question - in 2006, viewers of the BBC witnessed one of the strangest live interviews ever. What happened? A, the guest had just come in to the station for a job interview, was mistaken as the guy there for a TV interview, was put on camera and just went with it...

YANG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...B, an anchor in her first day on the job kept pronouncing BBC as buh-buh-cuh (ph)...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Or C, when every microphone on the set but one broke, the anchor had to interview the Danish foreign minister while sitting in his lap?

YANG: Oh, it's - I think I've seen C actually happen, so let's go with C.

SAGAL: You've seen a man interview a significant foreign politician while sitting in his lap?

YANG: Wait. OK, then maybe not.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If you had, we would be very interested to hear all about it.

YANG: OK. Oh, gosh. I mean, now I have to choose. I'll say A.

SAGAL: Yes, it was A.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: He was just this computer technician who was coming in to interview for an IT job at the studios. And they were like - they mistook him for somebody else, and he sat there and answered questions about the future of digital music really gamely for a while. And weirdly, even though he did this, they didn't give him the job.

SALIE: Oh.

YANG: That's rough.

SAGAL: I know. Bill, how did Bowen Yang do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Bowen, you got three, right. That is...

YANG: Woo-hoo.

KURTIS: ...Rare and terrific.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

YANG: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bowen Yang is an Emmy-nominated writer and performer on "Saturday Night Live." You can also see him as Edmond in "Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens." New episodes air Wednesdays on Comedy Central.

Bowen Yang, you are so much fun, and we are so grateful you stopped by and talked to us. Thank you so much.

YANG: Thank you. Bye.

BLOUNT: Bye-bye.

SAGAL: We really appreciate it. Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "MY HEART WILL GO ON")

CELINE DION: (Singing) Every night in my dreams...

SAGAL: When we come back, a brand-new Christmas-themed Bluff the Listener game, and skier Lindsey Vonn pulls Santa's sleigh down a giant slalom course. We'll be back in a minute with more WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis.

And here is your host, who wants you to know, that's not an ironically ugly Christmas sweater. It's just his regular, everyday sweater. It's Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. As that symbol of the Christmas spirit, Ebenezer Scrooge, once said, keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.

KURTIS: God bless us, everyone.

SAGAL: We are keeping Christmas in our way by bringing you a brand-new, holiday themed Bluff the Listener game. Here's Tom Bodett, Faith Salie and Mo Rocca - two of whom will shortly be lying through their teeth for Christmas.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

SAGAL: Hi. Welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JEFFREY HATCHER: Hey, this is Jeff Hatcher from Greensboro, N.C.

SAGAL: Jeff Hatcher - I happen to have a good friend by that name. What do you do there in North Carolina?

HATCHER: I'm an infectious disease physician and a chief medical officer in our health system.

SAGAL: So you haven't had a lot to do for the last couple of years. How have you been spending all your spare time?

HATCHER: Cycling, whitewater kayaking and spending good time with my family.

SAGAL: I am amazed you answer that seriously. I was being sarcastic. I assumed you haven't had any free time since early 2020.

HATCHER: Well, you have to have some balance.

SAGAL: I guess you do. Well, we are glad to have you in the show. You're going to play our game in which you have to tell truth from fiction.

Bill, what is the topic?

KURTIS: Holiday traditions of the stars.

SAGAL: Ah, holiday traditions - we know them as making cookies with Grandma, watching Hallmark movies and playing How Much Eggnog has Uncle Jerry Really Had? But never mind us. What do the rich and famous do? This week we heard about a holiday tradition from the upper crust.

Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth, and you'll win our prize - the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Ready to play?

HATCHER: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: All right. Let's first hear from Mo Rocca.

MO ROCCA: Well, they didn't include this in "The Crown." According to royal expert Ingrid Seward, Queen Elizabeth commands each of the guests who arrive at Sandringham Castle for the annual royal Christmas feast to weigh themselves when they arrive and throughout their stay using a set of antique scales. Supposedly this is all to make sure guests are being well-fed. So she's just being, you know, a good host. After the first weigh-in, the royals enjoy turkey with all the trimmings. Then it's a walk around the grounds of the estate in order to make room for a lavish afternoon tea - complete with a gargantuan iced cake - followed by a candlelit dinner. It's not clear if there's a prize for the day's biggest gainer, beyond a bag of corgi-themed swag. But a word of caution - an overloaded royal, much like a truck, can be difficult to control. It's rumored that Sir Winston "Wide Load" Churchill was denied clearance at Sandringham and forced to turn back. And former big rigs, like George IV and Queen Anne, who really was as big as a house, jackknifed on the way to the castle's vomitorium. And sorry, not sorry for body-shaming the dead.

SAGAL: The Queen weighs all her guests for her Christmas feast. That's from Mo. Your next story of a famous festivity comes from Faith Salie.

SALIE: If you receive an invitation to Dwayne Johnson's Christmas soiree, you'd better be prepared to smell what The Rock is cooking - literally. For those who know Johnson as the guy who's not Vin Diesel in "The Fast And Furious" or as Maui in the Disney movie "Moana" - and you're welcome for me getting that song in your head - for those folks, let's remember that Johnson began his career as a professional wrestler known as The Rock, whose catchphrase was, can you smell what The Rock is cooking? He's turned that intimidating metaphorical speech into a Christmas Eve tradition. For the past 17 years, guests welcomed to his Florida mansion must don an elf cap that firmly covers their eyes. They have to use their noses to determine what Johnson is whipping up, winning points for every specific ingredient they can detect. Is it his croquembouche, with split vanilla bean - his figgy pudding with persimmon? The guest who guesses the most correct ingredients gets to cradle Johnson in a live Nativity creche in which The Rock plays a shirtless baby Jesus with lots of tattoos.

SAGAL: The Rock says, can you smell what The Rock is cooking? - and means it. Your last story of a talked-about tradition comes from Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: Man of the year, Elon Musk, is famous for his insensitive and often destructive public comments, which have crashed markets and ended careers. Some would say he's a nasty piece of work who enjoys hurting people. But that's not it. I'm not mean, claimed Mr. Musk. I just don't think about other people at all. Then in December of 2018, Elon Musk did some random thing that made someone else happy completely by accident. He will not disclose what it was, but vividly recalls receiving the note. Dear Mr. Musk, you have made me very happy. Thank you, and merry Christmas. It was weird, said Musk. I'd never had this happen before, and I was confused. Then I had an epiphany. Just because something I do make someone happy doesn't mean it's wrong.

SALIE: (Laughter).

BODETT: Every Christmas since, Elon Musk gathers his ex-wives, their lawyers and personal assistants, and they brainstorm what Elon's good deed should be that year. It started small - dropping a few coins in the Salvation Army bucket. The next year, he flew commercial once. Not worth it, he reported. Last year, he caught a worker at his gigafactory (ph), leaving five minutes early, and instead of firing him on the spot, gave him two weeks' notice. That was really nice of me, he said. What will it be this year - dishing soup for the homeless, spearing trash in the highway median? I don't know, said Musk, but I'm starting to get addicted to this feeling, and that worries me. So I may have to crash Bitcoin or a rocket or something to clear my head afterwards.

SAGAL: All right. Here are your choices. From Mo Rocca - it's that the Queen of England weighs all of her guests on antique scales before the Christmas feast. From Faith Salie - Dwayne Johnson asks his guests if they can smell what The Rock is cooking. And from Tom Bodett - Elon Musk, just for one day of the year, tries to do something nice. Which of these is the real story?

HATCHER: I think I like what Mo is cooking. I'm going to go with Mo on this.

SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: I see - but with a nice reference to Faith, which I appreciate. I'm sure she does, too. Your choice is Mo's story of how the Queen of England weighs all of her guests before the Christmas feast. Well, we spoke to an expert on this particular Christmas tradition.

KRISTEN MEINZER: The Queen asks each of her guests to be weighed on a set of antique scales when they arrive at Sandringham for Christmas and again when they leave.

SAGAL: That was Kristen Meinzer, royal watcher and author of "When Meghan Met Harry," talking about the grand tradition of weighing the guests at Sandringham Castle.

HATCHER: (Laughter).

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations. You got it right. You have earned your weight in a voicemail from anybody you like on our show. Thank you so much for playing, and merry Christmas.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I WANT YOU (SHE’S SO HEAVY)")

THE BEATLES: (Singing) She's so heavy.

KURTIS: Last year at this time, Peter took a few weeks off for the birth of his son, Elliot. But I'm sure in his heart, he'd rather have been with us when guest host Maz Jobrani got to talk to Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED NPR BROADCAST)

MAZ JOBRANI: So, Lindsey, couple of questions - I've been skiing my whole life, and I've never gotten that good.

LINDSEY VONN: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: Now, you started at a young age. So do you remember when you were, like, wow, I'm good at this, and I could be the world champ?

VONN: (Laughter) It wasn't until I was a bit older. I actually was really slow when I was a kid. My coach actually made fun of me and called me a turtle. But it took a while for sure. I wouldn't say that I knew that I was going to be anything good until I was probably 13 or 14 years old.

JOBRANI: So when you realized you were going to be good, did you call that coach and be like, yo, it's turtle. What's up, dude?

(LAUGHTER)

VONN: Ironically, he was my dad's coach, as well. He's from Austria. So he kind of played it like he knew that I was going to be that good. He just, like, said it to kind of antagonize me, so...

JOBRANI: Ah, tough love.

VONN: Yes. Yeah.

JOBRANI: Yeah. So he turned around. He's, like, (imitating Austrian accent) I was trying to push her the whole way.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: (Imitating Austrian accent) I knew she was going to be very much champion.

VONN: (Imitating Austrian accent) Yeah, I always knew. I always knew you would win.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Did your coach ever set up, like, a fake rivalry with your dad? Was he, like, (imitating Austrian accent) oh, yeah, your father - he couldn't do this.

VONN: No. It would be, like, (imitating Austrian accent) I knew you would beat your father. If you'd face your father, you would for sure beat your father.

It was like that.

(LAUGHTER)

JESSI KLEIN: I love that everyone just went all-in on this accent thing.

JOBRANI: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KLEIN: But now - and we just agreed that that's what it is.

VONN: If it sounded similar, I would say we're all not very good. But...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: You know, I watched your documentary on HBO, which I highly recommend. I always say you're inspired by greatness and mediocrity. So when I watch you go down that hill, I'm, like, oh, I'm going to go do that. And then I get on the hill, I'm, like, no, I'm not going to do that.

VONN: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: But there's times when you're going down - what was the fastest you've ever gone? - like 80-something.

VONN: Yeah. I mean, the fastest I've ever been clocked was 84, but I would imagine somewhere a little bit above that.

JOBRANI: Holy moly. So...

KLEIN: I don't think I've ever even been clocked going 84 in my car.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: I have a Prius.

JOBRANI: But, no, so here's my - I've got two questions about going 84 miles an hour. First of all, I've taken falls on ski slopes going, like, 30 miles an hour. And as I'm falling, I'm, like, (imitating slow-motion voice) oh, no.

(LAUGHTER)

VONN: Slow motion.

JOBRANI: You're going 84, and you're trying to win. What's going through your mind...

SALIE: Yeah.

JOBRANI: ...When you've taken a fall at a high speed?

VONN: You try to be like Gumby. You see the fence coming. And I always think, like, I got this, I got this, I got this. And then I don't got it, and I'm literally doing the splits and, you know, tangled in the fence like a fish. But, yeah, you just try to go limp because the more you tense up, the more likely it is you're going to pull something or break something. But it's not fun. I can tell you that it's really not fun.

I always have the analogy that skiing is like, you know, when you're going fast down the highway, you know, stick your head out the window, that's kind of how it feels when you're skiing. But then if you crash, it's just like you're driving down the highway, and if you jump out of the car.

JOBRANI: Oh, my God. And then you slide for, like, half a mile, but you've just got to go Gumby. You've got to be like Pee-wee Herman. You've got to (singing) do-do-do-do-do-do-do...

VONN: You got to let it go. Go with the flow.

JOBRANI: Didn't your dad try to push you to do other sports?

VONN: I mean, I tried a lot of other sports. And I have to say, I was absolutely terrible at all of them. I played soccer, and I - my only goal was against my own team. I tried...

SALIE: (Laughter).

VONN: ...Figure skating. And I liked the outfits a lot, but my dad pulled me out of that after about a month. Tennis - huge failure. Gymnastics - I was too tall since I was, like, 9 years old. So skiing was definitely where I had some talent.

JOBRANI: It's funny 'cause in a way, it's like you failed your way to a gold medal. You failed at everything else, and you're, like, I'm just going to kill it at skiing.

VONN: Correct. Exactly. I...

(CROSSTALK)

KLEIN: Lindsey and I - I was just going to say, Lindsey and I basically have the exact same trajectory with sports, except for I never got to the part where I was a gold medalist at skiing.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: I sucked at one after another after another and then also skiing.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Now, Lindsey, your new show on Amazon, "The Pack" - OK, so I watched - I just got a dog. This is my first time getting a dog.

VONN: Oh, what kind of dog did you get?

JOBRANI: We got a golden doodle. Her name is Yasu, and she's adorable.

KLEIN: Aw.

VONN: That's cute.

JOBRANI: Now, you've got Lucy. Lucy's adorable as well. So, first of all, the question is - is this a show you wanted to do, or you were just looking for an excuse to hang out with Lucy?

VONN: I mean, it was kind of a great excuse to hang out with Lucy. But I was looking for kind of the next career move after skiing. And I was, like, I get to travel the world with my dog and 12 other dogs. I was, like, that to me is the best-case scenario. So...

JOBRANI: How's it been filming with dogs? Has there been any trouble on set behind the scenes?

VONN: The dogs were the best part of the show. I mean, who doesn't want to watch a labradoodle running in slow motion with, like, rainbow highlights?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Well, Lindsey Vonn, we've asked you here today to play a game we're calling...

KURTIS: Go, Vonn, Go.

JOBRANI: You're used to hearing people yell, Vonn, go. But what do you know about Van Gogh...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: ...As in Vincent Van Gogh? Answer 2 out of 3 questions correctly about the Dutch painter, and you'll win a prize for one of our listeners - the voice of their choice on their voicemail. Bill, who is Lindsey Vonn playing for?

KURTIS: Andrew Campbell (ph) of Richmond, Va.

JOBRANI: All right, Lindsey.

VONN: All right.

JOBRANI: Here's your first question. After Vincent Van Gogh famously cut off his own ear, he painted a portrait of the doctor who treated him and gave the painting to the doctor as a thank-you. What did the doctor do with it? A, he printed his name on it, then hung it up on a pole outside his offices like a sign; B, he used it to repair his chicken coop; C, he hung it up in his examination room as a warning to patients to take better care of themselves?

VONN: I mean, all of these sound like not logical options.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: They're not. Well, see - now, you're thinking logical, right? You're thinking - now, this show is not necessarily a logical show.

VONN: I mean, I don't think it's the chicken coop, but I - it could be No. 1. But I don't know. I'm going to go with No. 3.

JOBRANI: The truth is it was the chicken coop.

VONN: No way.

(SOUNDBITE OF FOGHORN SOUND EFFECT)

EUGENE CORDERO: Wow.

JOBRANI: This guy hated the painting so much that he used it to repair his chicken coop. Now, the painting today is valued at $50 million.

VONN: That's insane.

CORDERO: Wow.

SALIE: Wait. You mean they reclaimed the painting from the chicken coop? Are you - or it would have been valued at...

VONN: Yeah, how does that work?

JOBRANI: I think some of the paint isn't paint. I think it's just chicken poop.

KLEIN: There you go.

VONN: OK.

JOBRANI: It's just a dead chicken that you hang on your walls.

CORDERO: (Laughter).

VONN: So the name of the game is don't think logically.

CORDERO: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: There you go, Lindsey. You got it right. You go down a hill at 80 miles an hour. You think that's logical? That's not logical.

VONN: Correct. You are correct.

JOBRANI: All right. Here's your next question. You've still got a chance. You get two of these, this person wins. So the oldest woman who ever lived, who died in 1997 at the age of 122 years old, lived long enough that she actually met Vincent Van Gogh. It's a moment that she remembered her whole life. Why? A, because she couldn't get over how ugly he was; B, because he offered her his other ear, saying, I feel lopsided with just one; or C, because she posed for him, but in the finished painting, there was a guitar on the chair instead of her.

VONN: I mean, I think maybe No. 1.

JOBRANI: You're getting good at this. You're right.

VONN: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

VONN: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

JOBRANI: She says it's a moment she remembered her whole life because she couldn't get over how ugly he was.

SALIE: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: All right. You're 1 out of 2. Here's your last question, Lindsey Vonn. Though most of Van Gogh's art is worth well into the millions of dollars, bargain hunters can still own a piece of history for the fraction of the price, including which of these which recently sold at auction?

A, for $80,000, a napkin on which Van Gogh doodled a duck with a mustache; B, for $240,000, a letter between Van Gogh and Gauguin describing their brothel visits; or C, for $195,000, a VIP, quote, "Bedroom In Arles" experience where you get to stay in the actual room from the famous painting and leave with a copy of the painting with yourself added into it.

SALIE: Maz, it's Ahrl (ph).

JOBRANI: Arrl (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

VONN: Well, let's just go with the brothel letter because that seems most interesting.

JOBRANI: You are right, Lindsey Vonn. You're a champion.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

CORDERO: Yeah.

JOBRANI: He paid money for the brothel, and now we pay to get the letter for $240,000.

VONN: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: Bill, how did Lindsey Vonn do in our game?

KURTIS: You know, she won a gold medal there and here.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: So congratulations, Lindsey.

VONN: Thank you (laughter).

JOBRANI: Lindsey Vonn is a world champion skier and the host of Amazon's "The Pack," which you can stream now on Amazon Prime Video. Lindsey Vonn, thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

VONN: Thank you, guys. Really appreciate it.

SALIE: Bye, Lindsey. Happy holidays.

KLEIN: Bye, Lindsey.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SILVER AND GOLD")

BURL IVES: (Singing) Silver and gold, silver and gold, everyone wishes for silver and gold. How do you measure...

SAGAL: When we come back, tell Santa you weren't naughty or nice. Tell him you persisted and served face. We've got Senator Elizabeth Warren and Symone from "RuPaul's Drag Race." That's in a minute from WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host, for whom the holidays are nothing special because he eats figgy pudding all year, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. So we've been celebrating the only way we know how - by remembering good times with family and friends and famous people who talk to us because they had something to promote.

KURTIS: For example, Senator Elizabeth Warren wrote a book that came out this past spring. So she came on with guest host Maz Jobrani, who wasn't afraid to ask those hard-hitting questions.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED NPR BROADCAST)

JOBRANI: This is your chance to come clean. What's up with the HBO show "Ballers" and you? What's going on?

(LAUGHTER)

ELIZABETH WARREN: Are you kidding? Have you ever seen The Rock without his shirt on?

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: Enough said.

JOBRANI: Well, as you watch, Senator Warren, do you ever think to yourself - you know what? - when I run in 2028, I might call The Rock up and have him be my vice president?

PETER GROSZ: Oh, my God.

WARREN: Now, that's a thought.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: I'm telling you. We're here to help you out 'cause we know, by the way, that you're known for having plans...

WARREN: Yes.

JOBRANI: ...Because throughout the - yes. You always said, I got a plan. I got a plan. First question, did you have a plan? Or were you just saying, I got a plan, and then you'd get to it later?

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: I really did have a plan. And in this new book I wrote, "Persist," I talk about the fact that I had 71 juicy, fabulous, detailed plans and how the plans and the personal weave together, and they get me up in the morning and into the fight. And I hope they get a whole lot more people into the fight, too.

JOBRANI: Let me ask you a question. The book - the title "Persist" comes from Mitch McConnell trying to...

WARREN: It does.

JOBRANI: ...Insult you by saying that you persist.

WARREN: Yup. How'd that work out for you, Mitch?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Nice. I like that - slam. I got two questions for you. Has anyone else ever tried to insult you with a positive word? And what were those other words?

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: Gee, I'm running through what Michael Bloomberg said to me.

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: No, not that I can think of. I'm sure it's happened.

GROSZ: Somebody must have called you smart at some point, thinking that that was an insult.

WARREN: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

KAREN CHEE: Prepared.

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: Oh, I - actually, it's funny you'd mention that one. Yeah, sounds like someone who prepared.

CHEE: Yeah. And you're like, thank you. I did (laughter).

WARREN: Did the homework, huh? Yeah, yeah.

JOBRANI: Now, this is another thing you talk about in the book. When you're on the campaign trail, you became famous for taking hours and hours of selfies.

WARREN: Oh, yeah.

JOBRANI: What's a pointer you can give us on taking selfies that we should all remember the next time we do one?

WARREN: It's a moment of great intimacy, and it really is. I mean that. But it also is a chance for people to just say the things that matter to them that they wanted to tell somebody who was running for president of the United States.

JOBRANI: Wow. That's amazing. So you're meeting all these people. You're on the campaign trail. What was your favorite regional food, and what was one where you're like, I'm happy I don't have to be on the campaign trail any longer?

WARREN: Oh, I - you can never say the second one, right?

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: Everything is great everywhere. I will say about campaigning - dang, I ate a lot of cold food because somebody would grab it for you while you're doing the town hall. And three and a half hours later when the selfie's done, I'm telling you, there's a lot of food that does not travel well.

CHEE: Oh. No.

WARREN: It has...

GROSZ: A lot of gelatinous lasagna.

WARREN: Yeah, exactly.

GROSZ: Lovely. Cold pizza.

WARREN: And it has - it's hardened - how the cheese hardens up.

GROSZ: Yeah, exactly.

WARREN: How you have broken plastic forks...

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: ...Trying to eat lasagna that has cooled off.

GROSZ: Yep.

WARREN: And, of course, you know, all the ice in your iced tea has melted, so now it's just lukewarm light brown stuff.

JOBRANI: Sounds really glamorous. You really are selling this presidential thing.

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: I'm telling you. Yeah, exactly. Don't miss it.

JOBRANI: Well, Senator Warren, we've enjoyed talking to you, but we've asked you here to play a game we're calling...

KURTIS: Senator Warren, how about "War And Peace"?

JOBRANI: Yes.

WARREN: OK.

JOBRANI: Yes, that pun was a disaster, just like Pierre Bezukhov and Helene Kuragina's marriage, but we couldn't resist. So we're going to ask you three questions about Leo Tolstoy's "War And Peace." Answer 2 out of 3 questions right, and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Senator Warren playing for?

KURTIS: Tricia Lang (ph) of Austin, Texas.

JOBRANI: All right. Here is your first question. At over half a million words, "War And Peace" is the go-to reference for the longest book ever written, but which of these actually contains even more words? Was it, A, Tolstoy's other classic, "Anna Karenina;" B, the strategy guide for the 2010 role playing video game "Fallout: New Vegas;" or C, the fourth "Fifty Shades Of Grey" book, "5,000 More Shades of Grey."

WARREN: Oh gosh. I was hoping it was the fourth "Fifty Shades Of Grey."

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: But I'm afraid it's probably not, so I'm going to go with the second one.

JOBRANI: B, yes, you are right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

JOBRANI: The strategy guide from 2010 role playing video game "Fallout: New Vegas." Nicely done. One for one.

WARREN: OK, Trisha, I'm going to do this. OK.

JOBRANI: You got it. Here we go. Here's your next question. Former RNC Chairman Michael Steele, back when he was in a debate against other candidates for the post, said that "War And Peace" was his favorite book. What was his favorite quote from the book? A, "Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women;" B, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times;" or, C, "I could not, would not on a boat. I could not, would not with a goat."

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: OK. I'm trying to think what Michael Steele might have said. Surely, he didn't say it was the best of times, worst of times because that's from Dickens.

GROSZ: Unless he screwed up.

WARREN: Unless. Unless.

GROSZ: Which is possible.

WARREN: OK, I'm going with, he said it was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

JOBRANI: Your instinct is right, Senator Warren.

WARREN: No.

JOBRANI: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

GROSZ: Oh, Michael Steele.

JOBRANI: He said it was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

WARREN: OK.

JOBRANI: You're right.

WARREN: OK.

JOBRANI: Two for two.

WARREN: OK.

JOBRANI: Here's your last question. Leo Tolstoy died at age 82 in a Russian train station after taking ill on the train. Why was he on the train? A, he was on his way to receive an award as Russia's greatest living writer; B, he was running away from his wife; C, he was doing research for his new book, "War And Trains."

(LAUGHTER)

WARREN: I'm going to go with A.

JOBRANI: You think he was on his way to receive an award as Russia's greatest living writer?

WARREN: Yes.

JOBRANI: He was actually running away from his wife. I guess that's one way to win an argument. Bill, how did Elizabeth Warren do on the quiz?

KURTIS: Senator, you got 2 of 3, and that's a two-thirds majority. You're a winner.

WARREN: Oh, fabulous.

JOBRANI: Thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME. We really had a great time with you.

WARREN: Oh, thank you so much for having me. This was fun.

JOBRANI: Take care. Bye.

WARREN: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

SAGAL: Now it's time to draw names for Secret Santa. Why, look, Bill. Turns out we got the audience. Do we have anything to give them?

KURTIS: Why I happen to have something that's perfect for a regift. It's a Christmas-themed question we put to our panel that's never aired before. And no, it doesn't come with a gift receipt.

SAGAL: Maeve.

MAEVE HIGGINS: Yeah.

SAGAL: Luxury lovers are feeling burned this year after they spent over $800 on a supposedly high-end what from the fashion house of Chanel?

HIGGINS: Oh, is it a handbag?

SAGAL: It is not a handbag.

HIGGINS: A dog, a designer dog.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Yeah, that was a really big thing in the pandemic.

SAGAL: Yes, Chanel, the little black pug.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Oh. Oh. Oh, the branding.

SAGAL: Yeah.

HIGGINS: Yeah. I don't know that they've moved into live creatures. But...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'll give you a hint.

HIGGINS: OK.

SAGAL: People are most excited to see what's behind little cardboard door No. 5, of course.

LUKE BURBANK: Oh, yes.

HIGGINS: Oh, the - oh my God, what's the name of that thing again? Before, coming up to the holidays...

SAGAL: Yes.

HIGGINS: ...And every single day - what's it going to be?

SAGAL: You open it. Exactly.

HIGGINS: Will my father come home?

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: I took it way too far.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That took a sudden, tragic turn.

BURBANK: Wow. It's so serious in Ireland.

HIGGINS: Right.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: Dark.

CRISTELA ALONZO: Wow.

HIGGINS: Yeah, you know, it's like, what I mean, is something you've been waiting for every single day. Maybe it will be behind the door.

SAGAL: I think that was the Advent calendar in that "Joy" short story. It's very sad. I'm sorry. I just said the word. It's a - yes, I'll give it to you. It's an Advent calendar.

HIGGINS: Advent calendar, thank you.

BURBANK: You fell right into Maeve's trap.

SAGAL: I did. Damn it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You've fooled me again, Higgins.

BURBANK: So smart.

SAGAL: Yes, it's the...

HIGGINS: Playing the long game here.

SAGAL: ...Chanel Advent calendar. It looked fancy. At $800, you'd think it would be fancy. But while some of the doors open, you know, the little Advent doors open to reveal, like, a little perfume or a tiny little bit of lipstick, others open to just have, like, keychains or stickers.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: One door had a little bag that said Chanel No. 5 on it. You're like, oh, finally, some perfume. No, nothing in the bag, just a little bag.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's weird to say, but I'm beginning to think an $800 Advent calendar from a perfume company is not the ideal way to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: And famously, baby Jesus used to say, I wear Chanel No. 5, just Chanel No. 5.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: What he meant - what that is supposed to mean, that's like something a woman to be - trying to be sexy.

SAGAL: Right.

HIGGINS: Oh, you knew that? OK.

ALONZO: What?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But I believe it goes like, yes, I'm wearing Chanel No. 5...

HIGGINS: Just Chanel...

SAGAL: ...And nothing else.

HIGGINS: Oh, yes.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Yeah, that's - OK.

(APPLAUSE)

HIGGINS: Thank you, Peter, my sensual guide.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Wow.

HIGGINS: That's what baby Jesus used to say.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Mother, father, God, I'm wearing Chanel No. 5. And just - oh, no. What was it?

(LAUGHTER)

ALONZO: You are so sexy right now. You are so sexy right now.

HIGGINS: And nothing else.

SAGAL: I can't believe you're single, Maeve, really.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Not after this. Not after this powerful set of sentences that I will try on the plane home. Hello, officer, I'm wearing Chanel No. 5.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Finally in May, we had a chance to talk to Symone, the winner of Season 13 of "RuPaul's Drag Race" and, aficionados say, the greatest competitor in the history of that show.

KURTIS: Peter asked her if there was a big drag scene in the city where she grew up, Little Rock, Ark.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED NPR BROADCAST)

SYMONE: There was a pretty good drag scene, but it was very pageant, as you can probably imagine. And so not really my gig, but I learned a lot from the girls. But that wasn't my path.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: What do you mean pageant?

SYMONE: Pageant - it's like, you know, very like - like, there is a Gay Miss America. There is a gay U.S. of A. Like, it's like a pageant, and girls go and they compete. There's swimwear. There is, you know, a Q&A. Like, it's a pageant but with drag queens.

SAGAL: Right. And what was the version that you were more attracted to?

SYMONE: I was just - I wanted to be a model, a woman (laughter).

SAGAL: (Laughter) Sure.

SYMONE: I mean, for lack of a better term, that's what I wanted. I just - it was a lot of money for a 1 out of 50 chance of winning.

SAGAL: Right. You just wanted to skip right to the part when you win...

SYMONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...And just be the star.

SYMONE: Yeah, very that.

SAGAL: So was there a big drag scene in Arkansas when you were growing up there?

SYMONE: I would say Symone is me. I would say Symone is who I didn't let myself be when I was a kid. You know...

SAGAL: Sure.

SYMONE: ...Very expressive, very just happy, effervescent, if you will, and just happy to be here, gorgeous, stunning.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, that goes without question. If only all our listeners could be on Zoom with us...

POUNDSTONE: You are gorgeous and stunning.

SYMONE: Thank you.

SAGAL: As I think I have made clear, intentionally or not, I'm somewhat new to the world of drag. And I wanted to ask you about some drag lingo that I have no idea what any of this means.

SYMONE: OK.

SAGAL: Snatched.

SYMONE: Snatched - that means one of two things, actually. Some girls, they are snatched. You know, like the makeup is good, the makeup is there, your face is beat - another word for beat, really. Or you could be snatched in the sense of, you know, some girls they'll take back your temples for - and you'll snatched. So you - makeup can be snatched, and then you can literally be snatched in the face (laughter).

SAGAL: Right. Oh, I see. so - but snatch is good.

SYMONE: Snatch is good. Snatch is very good.

SAGAL: What does serving face mean?

SYMONE: Serving face - so serving face means kind of like you are beat, and you're giving it to the camera like so. You're just serving face, darling, giving them all the - everything that's here.

POUNDSTONE: You just served Peter so much face that he's going to have to take some of it to-go.

SAGAL: Right.

SYMONE: To-go.

SAGAL: It is a delight to talk to you, Symone, but we have, in fact, invited you here to play a game we're calling...

KURTIS: Lip-Sync Meet Fix Sink.

SYMONE: Oh, child.

SAGAL: You are brilliant, as we discussed, at the fine art of lip-syncing. So we thought we'd ask you about kitchen sinks and the people who fix them. That is plumbers. So if you answer two out of three questions correctly about the plumbing arts, you will win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they choose for their voicemail. Bill, who is Symone playing for?

KURTIS: Grace Jansen of San Francisco, Calif.

SAGAL: All right, here's your first question. Plumbers are on call 365 days a year, but one South Florida plumber had an emergency call on Thanksgiving. Why? A, a homeowner didn't know what to do with her turkey carcass, so she flushed it down the toilet; B, apparently the guy was a hunk, and somebody needed a date for their family's Thanksgiving; or C, as the customer put it, quote, "my brother-in-law is coming over, and I need you on standby."

(LAUGHTER)

SYMONE: I'm going to go with B. You need a date. It was like, huh, I'll call the plumber.

SAGAL: I like your thinking, but, in fact, it was A, that the homeowner had this turkey carcass, didn't know what to do with it...

SYMONE: You're kidding.

SAGAL: ...Flushed down the toilet. This is not a problem. Just like on "RuPaul's Drag Race," you might have screwed up, but still have a chance to win it all. Next question - plumbers sometimes have hidden talents beyond just unclogging your drain, as proven by a plumber in Alaska who did what?

SYMONE: OK.

SAGAL: A, invented ranch dressing; B, personally mothered an orphan flock of herons; or C, he was a notable tenor at the Juneau Lyric Opera.

SYMONE: Hmm. I'm going to go with C.

SAGAL: You're going to go with - you know, I'm just going to say that's just too straightforward for our show.

BURBANK: The answer has been hidden to you so far, but you may find it.

SYMONE: Hidden Valley - so A. Was it the ranch?

SAGAL: Yes, it was.

SYMONE: It was the ranch.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes, he invented ranch dressing.

SYMONE: Oh, my God. Wow.

SAGAL: Last question. If you get this right, you win.

SYMONE: OK.

SAGAL: Roy Riegle was the name of a plumber who passed away in 2017. And he so loved his job that he requested what as a tribute? A, that instead of a typical funeral, his body should be fed down a garbage disposal; B, that the Roto-Rooter company changed its name to Roto-Roy Riegle; or C, that his ashes be flushed in the toilets of every Major League Baseball stadium.

SYMONE: I am going to say C.

SAGAL: That's exactly right, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SYMONE: That's it?

SAGAL: It's it.

SYMONE: Wow.

SAGAL: That's what he did. He was a big baseball fan. And according to his best friend, that mission of having some of his ashes flushed in a toilet in every one of the 30 baseball stadiums - Major League - was accomplished.

SYMONE: Wow. Good for him.

SAGAL: Isn't it great? Bill, how did Symone do on our quiz?

KURTIS: What a winner. She got 2 out of 3. And that means you have snatched it away.

(LAUGHTER)

SYMONE: Yes, Bill, yes.

SAGAL: Symone is a drag icon, activist and the most recent winner of "RuPaul's Drag Race." Symone, congratulations on everything. You are fabulous and deserving, and thank you so much for being on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SYMONE: Thank you guys so much for having me. I had such a great time.

SAGAL: Thanks a lot. Take care, Symone.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

SAGAL: That's it for our Merry Christmas Holiday Spectacular. We're off to found out what the hell wassail is.

Thanks to everybody you heard today - all of our panelists, all of our wonderful guests and, of course, the inimitable Bill Kurtis. Thanks to all of you for listening. I am Peter Sagal. We'll be back next week.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

SAGAL: This is NPR.

Copyright © 2021 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by an NPR contractor. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.