'Wait Wait' for Dec. 17, 2022: With Not My Job guest Andrew Bird
UNIDENTIFIED PERSON, BYLINE: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real live people.
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm not Gen Z. I'm Gen B - Bill Kurtis.
(CHEERING)
KURTIS: And here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Ill. - from the Greatest Generation, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. We have a great show for you today. Of course, later on, we're going to be joined here on stage by Chicago's own Andrew Bird, the acclaimed musician who is, among many, many other things, the greatest whistler alive. He is to whistling what Bill Kurtis is to just talking.
SAGAL: That's high praise, indeed.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We want you to whistle while we work, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now, let's welcome our first listener contestant.
Hi, You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
SCOTT APPLEBAUM: Hi, Peter. How are you? It's Scott Applebaum calling from Philadelphia.
SAGAL: Hey, how are things in one of our favorite cities, Philly?
APPLEBAUM: Oh, Peter, it's always sunny in Philadelphia.
SAGAL: I've heard that. I've heard that. What do you do there?
APPLEBAUM: I work in pharmaceuticals. I'm a pharmaceutical lawyer.
SAGAL: Are you really? What sort of devious things do pharmaceutical lawyers have to do?
(LAUGHTER)
APPLEBAUM: We're the ones who make sure that we don't do the devious things. We just spend our time helping everyone live healthy lives.
SAGAL: Aw, that is a good line.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Let me introduce you to our panel this week, Scott. First, his new stand-up comedy special, "What A Day!," just debuted and is available now on Netflix. It's Tom Papa.
TOM PAPA: Hey.
SAGAL: Hi, Tom.
PAPA: Hello.
SAGAL: Next, a comedian who will be headlining Zanies in Chicago on Jan. 16. It's Adam Burke.
APPLEBAUM: Hello.
ADAM BURKE: Hi, Philly.
(APPLAUSE)
APPLEBAUM: Hi, Adam.
SAGAL: And making her debut on our panel, a comedian and actor you can see in "Upload" on Amazon Prime. It's Zainab Johnson.
(CHEERING)
ZAINAB JOHNSON: Hey.
KURTIS: Hey, Zainab.
JOHNSON: Hi.
SAGAL: Scott, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize, the voice from our show that you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to go?
APPLEBAUM: Yes, I am.
SAGAL: All right. Let's do it then. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: I burst into tears, and I was jumping up and down in the waiting room.
SAGAL: That was a physicist describing the moment she found out her lab in California had accomplished what scientific breakthrough?
APPLEBAUM: Something about nuclear fusion.
SAGAL: Nuclear fusion - yes, indeed.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Nuclear fusion, yes. Yay, nuclear fusion.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: It turns out, nuclear fusion is not just a disgusting energy drink that your teenage son is obsessed with. It's a very big deal. Now, the reason this is important is because what nuclear power plants do now is fission, and that involves ripping an atom apart, leaving a lot of waste, while fusion involves smashing atoms together. And if you need more detail than that, just ask the most tedious person you know.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: When you say smash atoms, you don't mean Adam Burke, right?
SAGAL: No, I don't.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Just to be clear.
SAGAL: I've tried that. It generates no energy.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: In fact, I just get tired.
PAPA: OK. You think this is really going to take off? - because I have made a substantial investment in a windmill in Iowa, and I was pretty confident that that's the way we were going.
SAGAL: Pretty much.
BURKE: Have you tried smashing the windmills together?
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: I actually only - there was only one. It was in this guy's yard. Is that not how windmills work?
SAGAL: No. In fact, there are people who are like, come on, we've got solar panels. Those are great. We've got wind power. Why aren't you excited about that? But here's the thing. Fusion - That's, like - that's the stuff that powered the spaceships and "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." And even better, fusion powers the DeLorean in "Back To The Future II." That means that as of this week, we are a vital step closer to being able to kiss our young, hot moms.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: It's nice to hear fusion being used for something other than an awful culinary mash-up...
KURTIS: Exactly.
BURKE: ...Or, like, the worst music you've ever heard.
SAGAL: It's amazing that when they turn on the fusion reactor, what you get out of it is, like, kimchi on a taco. You're like, whoa. Zainab, were you excited by this announcement, as all the geeks were?
JOHNSON: I mean, I would like to be, but I don't know. The reason - the way I read it was that now we'll have to pay for the sun...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Right.
JOHNSON: ...And I that.
SAGAL: I wouldn't put it past them if, like, what they did was they figured out how to bill us for sunlight.
JOHNSON: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote, Scott.
BURKE: Put your mask back on.
SAGAL: That was not you talking to another passenger in the bus this morning. It was a warning from a doctor at Vanderbilt University about what new health threat we are facing this winter?
APPLEBAUM: Would that be COVID?
SAGAL: It is COVID. I'm going to give it to you 'cause it's not just COVID. It's COVID plus the flu plus a disease known as RSV.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It is the tripledemic.
APPLEBAUM: Oh, the tridemic.
SAGAL: The tridemic, the tripledemic, the disease threesome, wherever you want to go with it - it's fine.
PAPA: Three Virus-eers (ph).
SAGAL: Right. Yeah. So COVID - it's still with us. And it's made even worse this year because we have the tripledemic. That's when you have the COVID plus the flu and the RSV, and you've won the Belmont Stakes.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Why do they always come up with the cool names for bad stuff?
JOHNSON: Yeah.
BURKE: Like, tripledemic is pretty cool...
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: ...You know? - or tridemic.
SAGAL: It does sound like a like a late-career Sylvester Stallone movie.
PAPA: It sounds scary, but it is very convenient, isn't it? I mean, we were so close to having to go home to see our families this Christmas.
SAGAL: Oh, no. It's the tripledemic.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Just in the nick of time.
BURKE: So it's not a tripledemic. It's a Christmas miracle.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now, doctors do say that there's no reason to worry about a quadruple-demic (ph). That's only been landed in competition.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, Scott, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: Being a wife is really draining.
SAGAL: That was somebody telling The New York Times about why she and her husband are trying the latest thing in relationships, being married, but living how?
APPLEBAUM: Maybe in separate houses?
SAGAL: Yes, exactly - living apart.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: More and more married couples are finding - I love the audience - like, that sounds good.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Except for one guy in the back was like, yes.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: The one guy whose wife's not here.
SAGAL: Exactly.
BURKE: She's in a different theater.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: More and more couples apparently are finding that the secret to happiness is sleeping in separate beds, which are, themselves, located in separate houses. But you want really true married bliss, fake your own death; move to another country.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Oh. This does sound kind of nice. I don't know. I've been married 22 years, and I've - I never thought about living apart. But I thought that we should get a girlfriend.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: No. Just - everybody wins.
JOHNSON: You should each get a girlfriend, or a girlfriend for the couple?
PAPA: For us, for the house, for...
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: For the table.
SAGAL: Exactly.
PAPA: I would say it could be a boyfriend, but that's going to be trouble 'cause it's a guy - so a girl just to be there and to fill in for all the stuff we don't want to do after 22 years, which is a lot.
SAGAL: I'm not quite sure where you're going with this.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: I know where he's going with this. He's going to divorce court.
KURTIS: That's right.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So this is what happened. The Times profiled three couples who said they found that they needed to inhabit their own spaces to pursue their passions. And the constant presence of the other was smothering to their spirits. By the end of the article, you didn't want to live with any of them either.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: I mean, people have been doing this already, right? Women have she sheds.
BURKE: Right.
JOHNSON: Guys have the bathroom.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That doesn't - I'm just going to say, assuming that's correct, that doesn't sound fair. Like, I'm going to have this beautiful space just for myself, and you can have the bathroom.
JOHNSON: You guys chose the bathroom.
(APPLAUSE)
BURKE: Oh, I think you'll find the bathroom chose us.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Scott do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Scott was perfect. Boy, you've been practicing, Scott.
SAGAL: Congratulations, Scott. Well done.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Scott.
APPLEBAUM: Thank you very much.
(SOUNDBITE OF JOURNEY SONG, "SEPARATE WAYS (WORLDS APART)")
SAGAL: Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Zainab, science has now proven something we have always known. Women are just not attracted to men who don't do what?
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: So many answers. They proved one?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: First one that comes to mind - well, maybe not that one. Maybe the second one.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: I'm going to go with the 14th one.
SAGAL: OK.
JOHNSON: Who don't walk on the outside of the sidewalk?
BURKE: That's a - that's pretty...
JOHNSON: I said the 14th one.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That's interesting.
BURKE: That's pretty classy.
SAGAL: I'm going to give you the answer because the fact of the matter is, the answer is women are just not attracted to men who don't do anything.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: And that counts as something. Sorry, my bros, but the era of the man-child is officially over. Now, you've heard this story. A lot of straight men say that once they move in with their girlfriend or they get married, their partner loses sexual interest in them, and now we know why. Well, men now know why. Women are like, duh.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Playing video games - does that count as something?
SAGAL: Well, remember...
JOHNSON: No.
SAGAL: No. Remember, the problem is that if a woman feels like she's taking care of a child, all her sexual romantic interest will vanish because, you know. So think - is a video game something, like, a grown-ass man would do?
JOHNSON: Unless...
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: Unless that child is a billionaire. I said it.
PAPA: Game on.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: I will say - this is true. I was playing a video game once, and part of the video game was to clean up the house.
SAGAL: Really?
BURKE: And I was like, if my girlfriend finds me doing this, she's going to murder me.
SAGAL: Really? You're actually, like - you were pressing, you know, X, A, Y, B, and that moves the guy around the house, and he's, like, putting the dishes away?
BURKE: I'm cleaning up a virtual house while surrounded in filth.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "NO SCRUBS")
TLC: (Singing) A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly and is also known as a busta, always talking about what he wants and just sits on his broke ass. So no...
SAGAL: Coming up, it's a souped-up Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Tom Papa, Zainab Johnson and Adam Burke. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theatre in Chicago, Ill., Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. You're very kind.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Right now it's time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAITWAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
NATASHA: Hi there. My name is Natasha (ph), and I am a recent transplant to Chicago, Ill.
SAGAL: Hey, welcome. Welcome.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Where did you come from and why?
NATASHA: Yeah, good question. I'm asking myself that right now.
(LAUGHTER)
NATASHA: St. Louis and for some career opportunity.
SAGAL: Oh, wow. That's great. Well, welcome to town. It's great to have you. Enjoying it so far, I hope.
NATASHA: I am. I am. It's a beautiful city, and I live right on a park, so really get to enjoy the outdoors.
SAGAL: Yeah. And I know the weather is bad now, but by August, it will be nice.
(LAUGHTER)
NATASHA: Well, I moved Memorial Day weekend. So I came just for the best part. And now it's so gray.
SAGAL: And now you know. We fooled you. Natasha, welcome to the show. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Natasha's topic?
KURTIS: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup.
SAGAL: You've heard of it was the best of times; it was the worst of times. You've heard of it was a dark and stormy night. Well, we found the real best sentence ever to start a story. Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup. We found the story in the week's news. Each of our panelists are going to tell you one that begins with that sentence, but only one of them is real. Your job - pick that story. Do that, and win the voicemail of your choice from anyone on our show.
NATASHA: All right.
SAGAL: Ready to do this?
NATASHA: Absolutely.
SAGAL: All right. Your first story comes from Adam Burke.
BURKE: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup, much to the alarm of the other diners at the Taste of Tokyo Ramen Stop in Portland, Ore. - not so (ph) her sister, Stella Wilshire (ph), who was sat across from her filming the episode on her phone while giggling hysterically, especially when Kristina spat out the straw she had been using to breathe and exclaimed, I should have waited it for to cool down first. So it is with the latest viral TikTok trend, urban snorkeling...
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: ...In which participants are urged to submerge their heads and, if they can, their whole bodies in various containers of liquid and then post the results. Part of the allure of the trend is capturing the bewildered reactions of passersby. Some people say it's a political statement about the decline of natural snorkeling environments around the globe, said Clyde Talbot (ph), assistant professor of media studies at Colorado State University, whereas I think kids just like doing dumb stuff.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup as part of a TikTok trend called urban snorkeling. Your next soupy salesperson is Zainab Johnson.
JOHNSON: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup when her loving husband, Craig Spearman (ph), returned home from his job as a biology professor at Iowa State. Knowing his wife had been exhausted the past few months working on her doctorate thesis, he decided the best way to take care of his wife was to just let her sleep. The following morning, when she woke up, she was not only well rested, but her skin was glowing.
(LAUGHTER)
JOHNSON: According to Professor Spearman's analysis, the salt content of the soup at room temperature left to soak on our skin acted as a natural and gentle exfoliate, and the vegetables, mostly broccoli and cauliflower, are high in vitamin C and antioxidants. Both Kristina and her husband have quit their jobs and are now marketing their new beauty treatment as skin soup, or as the influencers are calling it, #soupfacing. Drew Barrymore recently tried it on her daily talk show, and she said after that she felt great. She looked younger and smelled delicious.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup and discovered a new skin treatment. Your last stew story comes from Tom Papa.
PAPA: Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup. But why? Even if Kristina really loved the soup, why would she eat it that way? Maybe Kristina was just playing around. Or maybe Kristina was dead.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: That's what someone thought when they saw her through the window. They thought it looked odd - a fully dressed woman sitting at a table for two for over two hours, not moving, with her head facedown in a bowl of soup. That's when the unidentified passerby called the police. About 20 minutes later, officers forced entry to the address, where they uncovered that the person, who was indeed facedown in a bowl of soup, was, in fact, a mannequin.
The police didn't know it at first, but they were actually in an art gallery owned by Banksy's former agent. The mannequin was a work by American artist Mark Jenkins. Jenkins' "Kristina" was commissioned by the gallery director, who wanted a portrayal of a sister of the same name who passed out and buried her face in a bowl of soup. Is that real sister who was facedown in a bowl of soup still alive? Only Banksy knows.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: The one thing we do know is that Kristina was facedown in a bowl of soup. But was it from Adam Burke, part of a new TikTok craze called urban snorkelling? Was it from Zainab, the discovery of a new skin treatment? Or was it from Tom Papa, an art artwork that in fact was so realistic that the police were called and broke into the art gallery? Which of these is the real story from the week's news?
NATASHA: They're all pretty dark, but I'm going to go with C.
SAGAL: All right. So your choice is Tom's story about Kristina with her face down in a bowl of soup being a statue. To find out the correct answer, we spoke to someone familiar with the true story.
DEBRAH WRIGHT: Officers have broken into their gallery, and it's actually just a sculpture.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: That was Debrah Wright. She was director of another art gallery, Cultivate 712 (ph), in Waco, Texas. She was talking about the talk of the gallery scene, the sculpture mistaken for a soup emergency.
Congratulations, Natasha. You got it right. You've won a point for Tom Papa just for telling the truth. And you've won the voice of anyone. You might choose from our show for your voicemail. Thank you so much, and welcome to town. Come down and see us live sometime.
NATASHA: Thank you so much. I will. Take care.
SAGAL: Take care. Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SOUP FOR ONE")
CHIC: (Singing) Soup for one when you're on the run.
SAGAL: And now the game where people with multiple talents are given the opportunity to use none of them. Andrew Bird grew up around here, north of Chicago, as a student of the violin, but he didn't really love classical music. Instead, he devoted himself to playing folk music and then swing and pop and eventually his own style, which has been called a lot of things but is really just Andrew Bird. He always comes back home this time of year to do a series of beloved holiday concerts, and we are delighted he could join us here. Andrew Bird, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: I spent a fair amount of time trying to find somebody who would define your style, and I couldn't. Can you? Can you say Andrew Bird's music is...
ANDREW BIRD: I wish I could. It would get me out of a lot of awkward elevator conversations.
SAGAL: Really? You have conversations like, so, you're a musician. What do you play? And you're like, you don't want to know.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: Yeah. I guess it's kind of experimental songwriting - pop, indie rock.
SAGAL: Right. Right. Do you have...
BIRD: It gives a hyphenated...
SAGAL: Yeah. Just keep adding hyphens. Eventually, you'll describe it. And is it true that you - as I said, you grew up - you were a student of the violin when you were a young kid. But you didn't actually groove the classical music too much?
BIRD: Well, I did. I learned to - the Suzuki method from early age.
SAGAL: That's when you play violin riding on a motorcycle.
BIRD: Exactly. Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: Yeah. It's...
SAGAL: Focuses the mind.
BIRD: Violin is hard, but doing that is really...
PAPA: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: I just wanted to write my own music.
SAGAL: Really? Really? Do you have, like, your first songs that you wrote back when you started writing your own songs?
BIRD: Yeah. The first one I wrote was - I think it was called "Nuthinduan Waltz." And it was about a dog with a nasal disease.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: OK. I'm going to say right there, I mean, that's just branching off from the typical path because most guys and girls write their first songs about love or loneliness or homesickness or something like that. And you were like, dog with a nasal disease?
BIRD: Well, it was about loneliness and love. There was - the dog was a subplot, I suppose.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: But it's the most memorable thing about the song.
SAGAL: Really?
BIRD: I think the line was, I'm just an old yout, with a cane made of root and a dog with a nasal disease.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Beat that, Billie Eilish.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I have to ask you about whistling. You are truly one of the great whistlers. If there's a better one, I don't know it. I have a lot of questions. Did you have to devote as much time to learning to whistle as well as you do as you did to, say, the violin?
BIRD: No. That's the thing - is, like, the violin is so difficult and there's all sorts of contortions. Takes years to master it. And then the thing you do when you're doing the dishes becomes where the money is.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Right. Isn't that funny? It occurs to me that you have a certain disadvantage. Most musicians, you know, are not walking around carrying their guitar. So people won't say, oh, wow, it's you. Can you play me a song? But you are always ready to whistle. So do you get, like, requests from people who recognize you in elevators or other places?
BIRD: No, no, no. Yeah.
SAGAL: But do you ever, like, whip it out at parties, for example?
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Whoa. Whoa. Peter. Peter.
SAGAL: Look.
PAPA: Peter.
SAGAL: I expected better from all of you.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You're a public radio audience. Act like it.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: We expected better of you.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The whistling. The whistling. You ever - like, oh, you're at a party, and you start whistling and start gathering people around.
BURKE: So many better ways to phrase that.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: I did find myself at a fancy party in New York that was thrown by Vanity Fair and Interview magazine, and it was music people party. And I was at, like, the indie rock kids table.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: And - so it was me and Joanna Newsom and Peaches and...
SAGAL: Those are cool - was it actually, like, a little small table on the side of the room, like, in the kitchen?
BIRD: It felt that way. It felt like the kids table because the guests of honor were Jon Bon Jovi and Mariah Carey over at, like...
SAGAL: Oh, OK. Yeah.
BIRD: ...The big kids table. So I had a few drinks, and I went over to talk to Mariah. And she said, oh, what do you do? And I said...
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: ...I'm a songwriter and violinist, and I whistle. And she said, oh, I whistle with my throat.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: OK.
BIRD: And I said, yes, you do, Mariah Carey. You whistle with your throat.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: That's her thing, like that super high, like, squeezed - and then she said, hey, let's, like - let's jam.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah.
BIRD: And we started - I don't know. We just started with "(Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay." And then we were sort of trading fours, and she would do four bars whistling.
SAGAL: All right. We - I really wasn't going to do this.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I assume that you would find this annoying, but I'm going to do it anyway. Could you share some of, like, what you were whistling with Mariah Carey?
JOHNSON: Please. Please.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
SAGAL: And - Zainab is going to do the Mariah part.
JOHNSON: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: I mean, I couldn't - And the first thing I thought of was "(Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay." So I just whistled (whistling). And then she did, like - I don't know.
SAGAL: We're not going to...
BIRD: It was all a blur.
(APPLAUSE)
BIRD: So ever since that day, I always thought I'd be great if I could reach out to Mariah Carey, and we could, like, do, like, a slow jam duet.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: And all I know is in the video, there's going to be lots of candles and lots of....
SAGAL: Oh, very romantic.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Very romantic.
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: That'd be pretty amazing.
BIRD: Yeah. Well, Andrew Bird, it is a delight to have you here. We have asked you here this time to play a game we're calling...
KURTIS: Put Your Lips Together and Blow.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: As we have discussed, you are known for whistling, so we thought we'd ask you about other people who are famous for whistling - referees. Answer 2 out of 3 questions correctly. You'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of their choice on their voicemail. Bill, who is Andrew Bird playing for?
KURTIS: Ken Alba (ph) of Boston, Mass.
SAGAL: All right.
BIRD: All right.
SAGAL: You ready?
BIRD: Mm hmm.
SAGAL: OK.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: NFL referee Ben Dreith went down in history after the Jets' Marty Lyons tackled the Bills quarterback and then started punching the quarterback repeatedly. The ref gave Lyons a 15-yard penalty for what? A, quote, "really, really unnecessary roughness," B, quote, "giving him the business down there," or C, reckless endangerment of his own fist.
BIRD: B.
SAGAL: Andrew chose B.
BIRD: Giving him the business down there.
SAGAL: And you sons of guns are all wrong, and he's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It was B.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Fifteen-yard penalty for giving him in the business down there. All right. Next question - during a soccer game in Britain in 2009, both teams got frustrated with the referee's constant whistling, but all was forgiven after they realized what? A, the referee had a sinus infection and was just breathing, B, the whistling was coming from a parrot who had learned to imitate the sound of a ref, or C, the ref was in love and simply had a song in his heart he couldn't contain.
(APPLAUSE)
BIRD: I like C, but I'm going to go with A, I think.
SAGAL: You're going to go with A, he had a sinus infection and was just breathing.
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: That's some sinus infection. No, it was actually B, the parrot. There was a parrot in the stadium that was imitating the sound of the whistle. And once they figured that out, they banned the parrot from the match...
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: OK.
SAGAL: ...'Cause that would have been confusing.
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: You might want to get that parrot for your band - just saying. All right, it's OK. If you get this one right, you win. Last question - a ref named Andy Wayne did something in another English soccer match that has never been done before or since. What was it? A, after it started pouring in the middle of the match, he called a penalty on God...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...B, frustrated with one team's very poor performance, he just ran in and kicked in a goal himself...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Or C, he gave himself a red card and removed himself from the match.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: So yellow card to God or...
SAGAL: Second choice was he just got frustrated, ran in, kicked the ball.
BIRD: Frustrated, kicked the ball in.
SAGAL: Yeah. Or C gave himself a red card and removed himself from the match.
BIRD: I can't see a ref, like, being that apologetic about anything, you know, turning on themselves like that. So I'm going to say...
SAGAL: Really? Is your experience with refs is that they just - they're just too arrogant to do something like that?
BIRD: You have to have this resolve, you know?
SAGAL: Right.
BIRD: If you give a little weakness, they'll tear you apart.
SAGAL: That's true. But, of course, if you throw yourself out, you're not there to be torn apart.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Andrew, I'm not trying to tell you anything, but listen for the clues.
(LAUGHTER)
BIRD: Yeah. I'm picking up a little something.
SAGAL: You're picking up what I'm putting down here?
BIRD: Yeah, he...
SAGAL: I have mentioned I'm a big fan.
BIRD: He kicked himself out of the match.
SAGAL: He did do that.
BIRD: Yeah.
SAGAL: He showed himself a red card. What happened was...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...He got very angry at a player, and he sort of squared himself up to fight the guy, and then he realized what he had done. He held up a red card at himself, and he walked off the pitch. True story. Bill, how did Andrew Bird do on our quiz?
KURTIS: He whistled a winning tune - 2 out of 3.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Pretty good. Pretty good. I don't think Mariah Carey could have done that.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Andrew Bird's new album is "Inside Problems." You can see him now on tour. Andrew Bird, thank you so much for coming down and joining us at WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!
BIRD: Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Andrew Bird, everybody.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "FAITHLESS GHOST")
BIRD: (Singing) I've seen your face before.
SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill is making a limerick list and checking it twice. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME! from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Zainab Johnson, Adam Burke and Tom Papa. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theatre in Chicago, Ill., Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill tells the wild things to let the wild rumpus start in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Tom, a lot of our listeners enjoy taking their reusable tote bags to the grocery store instead of buying those wasteful single-use plastic bags. When this week CNN reported exactly how many times you need to use one of those cloth tote bags to make it more eco-friendly than the plastic bag. How many times?
PAPA: I believe the exact number is 239.
SAGAL: That's not true.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Oh.
SAGAL: I'm going to make this a little easier for you.
PAPA: OK.
SAGAL: I'm going to give you the point if you guess within 2,000 of the right number.
JOHNSON: Wow.
PAPA: Really?
SAGAL: Really.
PAPA: Oh. Two thousand and one times.
SAGAL: No, I'm afraid not. The answer is 7,100 times - 7,100 times. Yes.
PAPA: I'm pretty sure I said that.
SAGAL: No. Plastic bags end up in the ocean. And the clerk at Whole Foods always silently judges you when you use them. But the production of a single cloth tote bag creates a much larger carbon footprint with all the manufacturing than a plastic one. So if you really want to help the environment, just remember to take your bag to the store every single day for 19 1/2 years.
JOHNSON: Oh, my God.
PAPA: Whoa.
BURKE: I got to say, I'm surprised at this anti-tote bag propaganda coming from NPR.
SAGAL: Yeah, I know.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ...I mean, there is a scandal. Turns out NPR paid off CNN to broadcast this after the winter pledge drive.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: So does that mean you can throw out your plastic bag when you're done using it? Or - because I try and reuse those.
SAGAL: Yes. Well, that's very good of you.
BURKE: What if I use my cloth tote bag to carry plastic bags?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Then you...
PAPA: Oh, yeah, just the outside - just to let people know.
BURKE: That I'm a good person.
PAPA: That you're pretentious.
BURKE: And I've got 7,100 plastic bags.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Adam, disgraced crypto banker Sam Bankman-Fried was arrested this week, but he asked the judge not to send him to prison because he says he is just too what?
BURKE: Too cool for prison.
SAGAL: No, not that.
BURKE: Can I get a clue?
SAGAL: You can. He shouldn't worry - I'm not sure there is actually meat in prison food.
BURKE: Oh, he's too - can you be too vegan for prison?
SAGAL: That's what he says he is.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: He says he's too vegan for prison. Crypto dork Sam Bankman-Fried requested bail because he's, quote, "a depressed vegan," unquote. Unfortunately for him, the request was denied because of redundancy.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: His parents have actually been calling the Bahamian prison to check on his dietary needs. But the prison says Bankman-Fried will not get special treatment there, which is good because in his case, the special treatment would just to be a little worse than everybody else.
BURKE: I will say at least now I know what my next tattoo is going to be - too vegan for prison.
SAGAL: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Think about it. He's the only person for, like, a crew cut and an orange prison jumpsuit would be a significant improvement to his life.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Zainab, many of us have family coming to visit this holiday, and a new survey finds there's a really nice thing our guests can do in the first four days of their visit. What is that?
JOHNSON: Wow. Guests stay for four days?
SAGAL: Well, that's the question, isn't it?
JOHNSON: The nice thing that guests can do in the first four days - leave early.
SAGAL: Leave is the answer.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: For anybody going home, perhaps to the family, to visit this Christmas season, the survey finds that by day four of your visit, your hosts want you to leave. That's an incredible finding. How did anyone make it to four days with their parents to find out?
PAPA: Four days.
SAGAL: Four days.
PAPA: That is - is that long?
BURKE: I always find it a bit rude that my - when I go home, my mother actually has the countdown.
SAGAL: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Imagine you're staying with family for a couple of nights and you're like, hey, what are you up to? And your cousin's like, nothing much. Just drafting up a social research study about when guests have overstayed their welcome.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BAD COMPANY")
BAD COMPANY: (Singing) Bad company, and I can't deny. Bad company, till the day I die.
SAGAL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. You can see us most weeks right here at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago. For tickets and more information, just go to nprpresents.org.
Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
CRAIG VOLLMER: Hello, Peter.
SAGAL: Hey, who's this?
VOLLMER: This is Craig Vollmer (ph) from Fort Collins, Colo., which is...
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Fort Collins up north there, north of Denver in the Front Range. What do you do there?
VOLLMER: So I'm a wedding photographer.
SAGAL: How awesome. Is there a secret to a good wedding photograph? Because there's a lot of them I've seen - And I'm not going to say whose wedding it was - where I looked pretty uncomfortable.
(LAUGHTER)
VOLLMER: An absolute secret is just making people at ease and capturing them when they're not self-conscious.
SAGAL: Right. You have to sneak up behind them. I love it.
VOLLMER: Yeah.
SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Craig. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to play?
VOLLMER: Absolutely.
SAGAL: Here's your first limerick.
KURTIS: In the malls from LA to Atlanta, there's no chubby, white-bearded enchanter. Being jolly and round is a health risk, we've found. And now there is a shortage of...
ELLA: Santa.
SAGAL: Santa. Wait a minute.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: He's got Benjamin Button disease.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Brought in an expert.
SAGAL: Hold on, hold on, hold on. First of all, that's right, Santas.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Secondly, Craig, is there someone there with you?
(LAUGHTER)
VOLLMER: This is - this whole idea - call in with Ella (ph). So yes.
SAGAL: Ella. And what is Ella's relationship to you?
ELLA: He's my dad.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And, Ella, how old are you?
ELLA: I'm 11.
SAGAL: You're 11. OK. Yes, you are absolutely in the center of our demographic.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Right. In the club.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Well, Ella, it's nice to have you. I'm glad you're helping your father. And I don't know if he was going to get it right, but if not, you just jumped in and saved him because it is Santas. America is facing a Santa shortage. As malls and stores finally open, there's more demand for Santas than Santas to fill it. And we should say to our younger listeners, we are talking about the helpers who portray Santa at the mall, not the real Santa, of whom there cannot ever be a shortage because reindeer fly over your supply chain.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, you crazy two.
VOLLMER: (Laughter).
SAGAL: Here's your next limerick.
KURTIS: In the mornings, my laptop is off key. But one cup of Joe makes it blastoff-y (ph). The caffeine in the wires helps synapses fire. The AI speeds up with some...
VOLLMER: Caffeine.
SAGAL: Oh, you're close. It just has to rhyme with off key and off-y.
VOLLMER: Coffee.
SAGAL: Coffee. Yes, exactly.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: Coffee.
SAGAL: Yeah.
KURTIS: Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Scientists have for decades been trying to improve the performance of semiconductors. That's what's at the heart of all our tech. And it turns out coffee seems to make semiconductors work faster. I would tell you more about this story, but as soon as I read the first couple of sentences, I immediately poured a full cup of coffee onto my laptop...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It no longer works. All right, guys, here is your final limerick.
KURTIS: To protect and to care, I am duty sworn. And there's grazing space here, grass is newly shorn. My mythical horse will be loaned here, of course. I am licensed to have my own...
ELLA: Unicorn.
SAGAL: Yes, unicorn, Ella.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella.
SAGAL: A 6 - I'm so glad you got that, too.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: A 6-year-old girl wrote a letter to LA County, asking, quote, "I would like your approval if I can have a unicorn in my backyard, if I can find one," unquote. So they issued her a unicorn license, and now it's all up to her to hunt one down, break its spirit, and force it into captivity.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The girl's biggest dream was to keep a unicorn, but her second-biggest dream was to apply for a license through the appropriate bureaucratic channels.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So things are going well so far.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: I'm sick of all the unlicensed unicorns running around my neighborhood.
SAGAL: It's true. What are they going to do about it?
PAPA: Also, people, pick up after your unicorns, for God's sake.
SAGAL: Please.
PAPA: Just rainbows everywhere.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Craig and Ella do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Well, Ella got three. Craig got none.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Well, congratulations, Craig and Ella. You have won our game. Thank you so much for playing.
PAPA: Woohoo.
VOLLMER: Thank you.
SAGAL: Thank you guys so much. Take care.
VOLLMER: Bye.
SAGAL: Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?
KURTIS: Adam and Tom each have two. Zainab has three.
(APPLAUSE)
PAPA: Wow.
SAGAL: I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm glad it did. So, OK, then. That means that I'm going to arbitrarily choose Tom to go first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank - on Wednesday, the House passed a one-week spending bill aimed at avoiding a blank.
PAPA: Government shutdown.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Monday, Elon Musk dissolved blank's Trust and Safety Council.
PAPA: Twitter.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, France defeated Morocco and will face Argentina in the championship game of the blank.
PAPA: World Cup.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Monday, dozens of homes were damaged as a powerful blank blew through the West Coast.
PAPA: Tornado. I mean, a winter storm.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Officials are warning people this week to check their Christmas trees for pine-cone-like growths which are filled with blank.
PAPA: Fentanyl?
SAGAL: No. Hundreds...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Hundreds of praying mantises. On Thursday, an Air Force veteran in captivity since June was released as part of a prisoner swap between Ukraine and blank.
PAPA: Russia.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Sunday, NASA's Artemis One mission to the blank successfully splashed down in the Pacific Ocean.
PAPA: To Mars?
SAGAL: No, to the moon. This week, police in Michigan were called...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: ...To a holiday party after a man dressed as the Grinch blanked.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Died?
SAGAL: No. He - they were called to the holiday party because the man dressed as the Grinch punched a man dressed as Rudolph.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: They thought he had a red nose before.
SAGAL: Exactly. Bill, how did Tom do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Close to perfection. Five right, 10 more points, 12 gives him the lead.
SAGAL: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Adam, you are up next. Fill in the blank. In preparation for a spike in case numbers, the White House announced it was relaunching its free blank test program.
BURKE: COVID.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Thursday, Russia warned the U.S. of consequences if they supply blank with a Patriot missile system.
BURKE: Ukraine.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, a petition to unionize was filed by the employees of Blank Street Coffee.
BURKE: I don't know.
SAGAL: No, the answer is Blank Street Coffee.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Boo.
SAGAL: That's the company's name. After being sworn in on Sunday, Karen Bass officially became the first woman to serve as mayor of blank.
BURKE: Los Angeles.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: According to a new study, intermittent fasting may help patients suffering from Type 2 blank.
BURKE: Diabetes.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: After saying he had a major announcement this week, Donald Trump revealed blank.
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
BURKE: A series of sort of baseball trading cards with his face on it.
SAGAL: Exactly right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: For only $99, the set of cards - it's not even real. They're NFTs. They feature drawings of Trump in superhero outfits, shooting lasers out of his eyes and riding on elephants.
BURKE: Does NFT stand for no f'ing thanks?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Adam do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Five right, 10 more points, 12 makes him tied with Tom.
SAGAL: All right. So how many then...
PAPA: Tied?
SAGAL: Tied - how many, then, does Zainab need to walk in here and win on her first appearance on our show?
KURTIS: To take it away, five.
SAGAL: Here we go, Zainab.
JOHNSON: I'm so afraid.
SAGAL: Don't be afraid.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: This is for the game. Here we go. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, President Biden signed a bill protecting same-sex blanks into law.
JOHNSON: Marriage.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Wednesday, the Senate unanimously agreed to ban social media site blank on government devices.
JOHNSON: TikTok.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, the Federal Reserve signaled they would continue to raise blanks in 2023.
JOHNSON: Interest rates.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, the son of the president of Uganda agreed to take over for his father, but only if he can blank.
JOHNSON: Take over his father - oh, I don't know.
SAGAL: He'll take over only if he can get enough likes on Twitter. This week, the New York Times released their most stylish...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: ...People list for 2022 and surprised readers by including blank.
JOHNSON: Someone who's not that stylish. Mark Zuckerberg.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: All right. All right. That's not the answer we were looking for. But on the list - it wasn't Mark Zuckerberg. It was Mark Zuckerberg's metaverse avatar.
JOHNSON: Really?
SAGAL: That was one of the things on the list. So I'm going to give you the point.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The one we were hoping you'd guess at was - among the most stylish list in The New York Times was the spotted lanternfly. The invasive species is decimating crops, but damn, girl, that carapace is fire.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, did Zainab do well enough to win?
KURTIS: Zainab is the newbie, and she got four right - eight more points. Eleven is just one short of our winners that have tied, Adam and Tom.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Now, panel, what will be the next big breakthrough?
Adam Burke.
BURKE: Scientists will create a drug that will actually allow you to be excited about fusion research.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Zainab Johnson.
JOHNSON: A redistribution of consciousness and/or body swapping.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: And Tom Papa.
PAPA: A single universal credit card machine so we can pay for stuff without feeling like a moron.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: Well, if any of that happens, panel, we're going to ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
SAGAL: Thank you so much to Bill Kurtis. Thanks to Adam Burke, Tom Papa. Congratulations to Zainab Johnson on a great debut. Thanks to all of you for listening. Thanks to our audience here at the Studebaker Theater.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: I am Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: This is NPR.
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