'Wait Wait' for March 18, 2023: With Not My Job guest Sam Waterston
UNIDENTIFIED PEOPLE: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real, live people.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm not an anchorman. I'm an anchor gentleman, Bill Kurtis. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Ill., filling in for Peter Sagal. It's Karen Chee.
KAREN CHEE, HOST:
Hello.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Hello, hello. That's right. I'm Karen Chee. I'm stepping in for Peter Sagal. I'm like the cool substitute teacher of WAIT WAIT this week. So instead of a news quiz, we're all watching a movie.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: I'm just kidding. I always follow the rules. OK.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Later on, "Law & Order's" own Sam Waterston will join us to play a game. But first, we want to hear what crimes you've been accused of. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
JULIA LIU: Hi. This is Julia Liu (ph). I'm an English teacher in Pasadena, Calif. I'm super excited to be on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
CHEE: Julia, Hi. Welcome.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Wow. We're so excited you're here. Julia, as an English teacher, do you have a favorite book or author?
LIU: "To Kill A Mockingbird" by Harper Lee is one of my favorites and also a favorite of students.
CHEE: That's awesome. I love that book. I got to be honest, when I was growing up, I thought Harper Lee was an Asian woman.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: And I was like, wow, she had such insight on Black-white relations...
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: ...And absolutely no commentary on Asian people. How odd.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Anyway, Julia, let's introduce you to our panel. First up, we have a comedian who hosts the celebrity trivia podcast "Go Fact Yourself." It's Helen Hong.
HELEN HONG: Hi. Hi, Julia. Hi, everybody.
LIU: Hi, Helen.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Next, his new book, "We're All In This Together... So Make Some Room," is now available for preorder. It's Tom Papa.
TOM PAPA: Hi, Julia.
LIU: Hi, Tom.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: And Peabody and three-time time Emmy Award-winning Vice correspondent, comedian and host of the podcast "Cheat," it's Alzo Slade.
ALZO SLADE: Hey, what's happening, Julia?
LIU: (Inaudible).
CHEE: Welcome to the show, Julia.
LIU: I'm nervous, like my kids were before they took a test this morning, so it's payback.
CHEE: Oh, that's good. You should be scared. This is going to be really hard and ruin your life.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Julia, I'm kidding. Don't panic. Are you still there?
LIU: I studied.
CHEE: Great. Great. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis will read you three quotes from this week's news. And if you get two of them, you'll win our prize. It's any voice from our show you choose on your voicemail, which is an amazing prize if you still use voicemail.
CHEE: Julia, are you ready?
LIU: I'm ready.
CHEE: Here's your first quote.
KURTIS: "You should be absolutely terrified right now. That is the proper reaction."
CHEE: That was a tech investor warning people to pull their money out of what financial institution this week?
LIU: Silicon Valley Bank.
CHEE: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: That's right.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: A Silicon Valley bank called Silicon Valley Bank has collapsed. And here's the worst part. They failed because of the billions they spent coming up with the name Silicon Valley Bank.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: This is one of the biggest bank failures in U.S. history. So basically, Silicon Valley Bank failed. Then another bank failed. Then everybody freaked out that it was 2008 all over again, and the stock market crashed. But, folks, don't panic. It's nothing like 2008 because it's 2023. Now we also have COVID and "Fast And Furious X" (ph).
SLADE: I think the banks are just raggedy these days. They - I feel like this is when capitalists turn to socialists real quick.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: They're like, hey, government, we need your help.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: This has gotten me freaked out. Does this mean that I should pull my $8 out of my bank?
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: Because it's - I - it would fit under my mattress.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: I think it's, like, anything over $250,000. So you really...
HONG: Oh, I'm good.
SLADE: Oh, I'm good.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: I don't have that at all. That's no problem.
CHEE: That's really smart of you to not have money, Helen.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: It's been my plan all along.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: I just knew. I'm like, you know, one day, there's going to be a bank failure, so I better not have any money.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: This is a fun thing - is everybody I know is looking for answers. And here's one. A member of the board of SVB said this about her career. She said, quote, "I've learned a lot from doing improv, and it's influenced how I think about leadership." And I got to be honest, if I've learned anything from my own dating experience, I feel like listening to someone who's done a lot of improv is always a bad idea.
SLADE: Wait. She learned how to run a bank by doing improv?
CHEE: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: I want this loan for $30 billion. Yes, and you get more.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
PAPA: And now she's like, OK, someone else give me a job. Give me a job.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: Exactly.
PAPA: Give me a job.
CHEE: All right, Julia, your next quote is about a social media app the U.S. is threatening to ban.
KURTIS: "The U.S. would think differently if they followed my favorite account, a man unclogging drains."
CHEE: That was technology reporter Scott Nover talking about what social media app?
LIU: Was he talking about TikTok?
CHEE: Yeah.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
CHEE: That's correct. The Biden administration is threatening to ban TikTok in this country over security concerns unless the Chinese government sells its stake in the company. People started getting suspicious after last winter's popular Power Grid Blueprint Challenge.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: I literally thought you were serious. And I was like, wait. I missed that one.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: What are the moves?
CHEE: Yeah, there are very real security threats driving the ban, but it's also in part because Biden's last dance video only got, like, 14 views.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: They are powerful, though. I mean, I don't think it's - I'm not even worried about the future of what's going to happen. I mean, it's literally happening now because I have no - I didn't think I had a love for babies or middle-aged women dancing in their rooms. But according to my feed...
SLADE: Yeah, Tom, you telling us a lot about yourself right now.
PAPA: That's what I'm saying. They've changed me.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: But this is the thing. Like, if China is using TikTok to spy on us, then that should just let them know that they ain't got nothing to worry about.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: It's so true.
SLADE: Look at what these Americans up to.
HONG: It's so true. My favorite TikToker is a chef that does, like, explicit lyric raps with a hand puppet. You guys know that one?
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: And see - and China is like, we need to be worried about that one.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Your last quote is an ominous warning from The New York Times about a threat headed straight to Florida.
KURTIS: "The blob will not be gentle."
CHEE: That was about a 5,000-mile-wide blob made of what?
LIU: Seaweed?
CHEE: Yes.
KURTIS: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
PAPA: Nice.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: It's true. A giant blob made of seaweed that is twice as big as the United States is making its way across the Atlantic. And it's going to hit Florida beaches this summer. Oh, no. Beaches, the one good thing about Florida.
HONG: Wait. It's twice as big as the United States?
CHEE: Yeah. And in the long way. The width.
PAPA: Yeah. New York to California.
SLADE: And, of course, it's organic. So Florida is seeing this as the woke mob invading.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
PAPA: Great. Another giant, orange blob in Florida we all have to be worried about.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: That's true. It is a literal, giant blob. And this is fun. Its official name is a Sargassum. For real. We're not being Sargastic (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Who's - so this giant blob of seaweed is coming up the coast. And who's having the Sargassums? The manatees?
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: It's certainly not the girl manatees.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: It never is. Darn it. Wait. So what - So it's slowly - and then what happens when it hits Florida? Does it swallow Florida? Or does it - like, what - does it become, like, a...
PAPA: New Jersey.
HONG: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: In some ways, yes in that once it hits the shore, it's going to start smelling really bad.
SLADE: So Jersey.
CHEE: And it's also brown.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: All right. Bill, how did Julia do?
KURTIS: Beautifully. Julia got them all right, all three.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Wow. Julia, thank you so much for playing. Have a great day. We're so glad you tuned in.
LIU: I have dozens of essays to grade. It was a pleasure being on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME. And thank you so much for having me.
(APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: Thanks, Julia.
LIU: Congratulations. Thank you so much. Goodbye.
(SOUNDBITE OF THE FIVE BLOBS SONG, "THE BLOB")
CHEE: OK, panel, now it's time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Tom, The New York Times finally came to the defense of a much-maligned group. Who?
PAPA: Of a much-maligned group. Who? Can I have a hint, please?
CHEE: Yes. They really are a bunch of jackasses.
PAPA: Oh, donkeys.
CHEE: That's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
PAPA: Yeah.
CHEE: Donkeys are finally getting the respect they deserve.
PAPA: Oh, thank God.
CHEE: Yeah, probably because society is way more into ass now.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Can I get a hee-haw?
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: According to The New York Times, the donkey has, quote, "been an object of ridicule for so long." And that's so true. Me and my friends love to get together on the weekends and make fun of donkeys.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: But we're going to stop now because the director of the Centre for Anthropobiology and Genomics of Toulouse in France told us to. They've discovered that donkeys have been domesticated since 5000 B.C. And I honestly don't know why that's so surprising because, of course, donkeys are old as hell. They've been around for so long they even starred in the classic American film "Shrek."
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: That's true.
SLADE: So are the Democrats elated at this new donkey love or what?
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: They're finally getting some respect.
SLADE: They're like, forget the elephant; it's all about the donkey now.
CHEE: I mean, if you do look at some of the Democratic politicians, they do look like they've been around since 5000 B.C.
SLADE: That's true.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: I want to know why the accepted sound of the donkey is hee-haw 'cause I don't think that's the sound they actually make, right?
CHEE: Why sound do you think they make?
HONG: Don't they go ahr-ahr-ahr (ph)? No, that's not it. That's not it.
PAPA: No, that's a...
SLADE: No, no.
PAPA: That's - yeah.
HONG: That's not it. That's not it.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: It's...
PAPA: That's a dog.
SLADE: Yeah, yeah.
HONG: It's more like - wait. Let me - wait.
SLADE: That's a sea lion having a sargassum.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
CHEE: Coming up, our panelists illuminate the dark world. It's Bluff the Listener. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. We'll be right back with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME! from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME! the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Alzo Slade, Helen Hong and Tom Papa. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago, Ill. Filling in for Peter Sagal, it's Karen Chee.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Hey, that's me. Thank you, Bill. Right now, it's time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME! Bluff the Listener game. So call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on air. Hello. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!
JANICE LILLY: Hi, this is Janice Lilly calling from York Haven, Pa.
CHEE: Janice, hello.
(APPLAUSE)
LILLY: Hi.
CHEE: Hi. What do you do in fair York Haven?
LILLY: I'm a part-time retail merchandiser, and I also am a master gardener and a 4-H club leader.
CHEE: Oh, that's wonderful. What's your favorite thing to plant and see bloom?
LILLY: I like to grow a lot of food.
CHEE: Oh, OK. I was really hoping you would say friendship.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: And then you and I could become friends, Janice.
LILLY: Oh. I missed my opportunity. I'm sorry.
CHEE: That's OK. I'll call you after the show. OK.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: It's so nice to have you here with us. You are here to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. What's the topic, Bill?
KURTIS: The light of peace illuminating the dark world brightly.
CHEE: Panel, no, you didn't just hear Bill turn into a ChatGPT. That is an actual motto for a real organization that we heard about in the news this week. So, Janice, our panelists are each going to tell you who that motto belongs to you, so pick the one who's telling the truth, and you'll win our prize, the Wait Waiter of your choice on your voicemail, a really up-to-date device that everybody uses. Are you ready to play?
LILLY: I am so ready.
CHEE: First up, it's Alzo Slade.
SLADE: People have likened the $15 billion global Instagram influencer market to the gold rush, with folks on social media risking their lives and sacrificing their dignity because there's gold in them there followers. The problem is everybody can't get rich, and now there are a bunch of broke, shameless, clout-chasing wannabe influencers of all ages going through depression because they've attached their self-worth and livelihood to followers and likes. That's where the Light Over Like foundation comes in. It's a nonprofit that caters to failed social media influencers.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: They sponsor a retreat every year with tough-love workshops like The Mathematic Reality Of Bots. Those who make it through the retreat successfully, which means they followed the advice of get a real job, go on to lead productive lives. You can tell who will fail by how quickly they relapse. For example, @bohemianbradley posted pics of the Light Over Likes experience with a Yogi Tea quote saying, you must retreat to be complete. #Namaste.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
CHEE: So that's a nonprofit for failed influencers from Alzo Slade. Your next story of the club with a catchy catchphrase comes from Helen Hong.
HONG: The light of peace illuminating the dark world brightly - it's not a slogan you might associate with old toilets, but then again, it's 2023. What even makes sense anymore? The LA-based arts collective known as the Game of Porcelain Thrones drives around collecting abandoned toilets that have been dumped on the street. They incorporate the toilets into modern art sculptures like the 25-foot-tall Crapper Christmas Tree or the vaguely floral Lotus Latrine. What's more illuminating than a shiny white toilet? asks one Thrones member. And believe me, when you really, really got to go, there is no image that illuminates a dark world more. We originally went with the slogan the light of pee, but we changed it to the light of peace because it was too on the nose.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: And that's toilet art from Helen Hong. And your last story with a whole lot of motto comes from Tom Papa.
PAPA: The light of peace illuminating the dark world brightly - that's the motto of an organization in the Japanese town of Tsuruta that hopes to shine a light on the positive aspects of male baldness.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: They do this by hosting a unique annual competition, a popular game of tug of war in which bald men attach suction cups to their heads and pull in opposite directions.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: The person whose suction cup detaches first loses not only the competition, but any chance of getting laid for the rest of the year.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: The pandemic forced the event on hiatus for three years, but on February 22, bald men popped their heads out of their homes and returned to Tsuruta. The event was back, and according to bald men's shadows, winter would last for another six weeks.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
CHEE: OK, Janice. So you've got Alzo's nonprofit for failed influencers, Helen's toilet art collective and Tom's competition for bald men. Which one do you think is real?
LILLY: OK, so I desperately don't want Helen's story to ever be true in any circumstance.
HONG: Me, too.
LILLY: So I'm going to - sorry, Helen. So I'm going to go with Tom's story about bald men in Japan.
CHEE: You want that one to be true?
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: All right. So to find out the correct answer, we have someone familiar with the real story.
EMMA BACCELLIERI: You have a suction cup placed on a person's head...
(APPLAUSE)
BACCELLIERI: ...And whoever is able to tug to their side wins.
CHEE: Yeah, that was Emma Baccellieri from Sports Illustrated telling us about the very real sport of suction cup tug of war. Yay, Janice. You got it right.
LILLY: That's so cool.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Janice, you earned a point for Tom, and you've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail.
LILLY: Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Thank you so much for playing with us today, and goodbye, best friend.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I THINK I'M GOING BALD")
RUSH: (Singing) I looked in the mirror today. I've lost a few more hairs. I think I'm going bald.
CHEE: And now the game where a really cool person comes on the show and I get a little nervous.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Sam Waterston has won basically every award possible throughout his acting career and perhaps most famously played the legendary Jack McCoy on 16 seasons of "Law & Order." And Waterston is a...
(CHEERING)
CHEE: Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Waterston is a household name, specifically in my house for starring on my mom's favorite show, "Grace And Frankie." Sam Waterston, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!
SAM WATERSTON: Oh, thank you so much for having me. I love this show.
CHEE: Oh, my gosh. That's so nice of you. You must be so bummed that I'm not Peter.
(LAUGHTER)
WATERSTON: It's OK.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Sam, I have some questions about "Law & Order." You've been on "Law & Order," as I mentioned, for 16 years. In those 16 years, you could have gotten several actual law degrees in that time. Do you think you could pass the bar if you took it now?
WATERSTON: Oh, almost certainly not. And I'm - absolutely nobody should ever come to me for law advice. That's...
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Do you have people coming up to the street when they recognize you? Do they ask you for legal advice?
WATERSTON: No, but I've had more than a handful of people come up to me and say that they became lawyers because of me.
HONG: Whoa.
CHEE: That's so nice.
KURTIS: Nice.
CHEE: Is there any part of you that's disappointed that they didn't become an actor because of you?
(LAUGHTER)
WATERSTON: No, but I do apologize to them for getting them into the law.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: That's so great. Do you feel like you know enough about the law that you could defend yourself if you ended up in court?
WATERSTON: Anybody who - you know, there's an old saying in the law. Anybody who is defending themselves in a court of law has a fool for a client. And that would definitely be my case. I couldn't do it, not a chance.
CHEE: OK. Well, that's a bummer 'cause I really wanted to ask what crimes you thought you could get away with.
(LAUGHTER)
WATERSTON: Well, that's an entirely different question.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: You have a list ready to go. Do you feel like, because you have shot in - you know, you've shot on location in so many places in New York. Does the whole city feel like a set to you at this point?
WATERSTON: Yeah. What it feels like to do "Law & Order" was that you - like you were the city's mascot. People would shout at me across the street, hey, "Law & Order."
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Do you think they're telling you to just behave better?
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: You've - I know we've been talking a lot about Jack McCoy, but you've played a lot of really iconic roles. You've played Abraham Lincoln multiple times. Do you keep pursuing that role because you know you look really good in a stovepipe hat?
(LAUGHTER)
WATERSTON: I always said that there ought to be some compensation for an actor who's plain-looking.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Sam, I got to be honest. When we wrote that question, I worried it was going to sound like I was hitting on you.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: And I want you to know, I am. OK.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: I do have more questions, though. What is a role you've always wanted to play but never had a chance to?
WATERSTON: Iago.
KURTIS: Shakespeare.
CHEE: Wait, the parrot in "Aladdin"?
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Biago (ph).
WATERSTON: That's it.
KURTIS: Yeah.
CHEE: Great. No follow-up questions.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: You also did Shakespeare, speaking of which, for a very long time. When you memorize a big Shakespeare part, I know so much of it is, like, lots of monologues and stuff. How long do you retain that memorized text? And can you summon up a monologue now?
WATERSTON: Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I. Is it not monstrous that this player here, but in a fiction, in a dream of passion, should move his soul so to his conceit that from his visage all his - well, that's it. I can't go on any further.
(APPLAUSE)
HONG: Wow.
CHEE: Whoa-oh.
SLADE: Wow.
KURTIS: Good memory.
CHEE: So good (ph).
HONG: That's deep. I saw you - this is Helen Hong. I saw you once at Shakespeare in the Park in Central Park. And I enjoyed you so much and got so many mosquito bites.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: You were worth getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.
WATERSTON: (Laughter) Thank you.
CHEE: As Helen mentioned, you do Shakespeare in the Park in New York. What is the craziest thing that happened during a live performance?
WATERSTON: Well, most of the crazy things there can be attributed to the raccoons.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Were they playing a part in the play?
WATERSTON: Yeah. The entire audience lost interest in the play because a family of raccoons lifted the bottom edge of the curtain...
HONG: What?
WATERSTON: ...And looked out at the audience, and the little one ran out and threatened to join the audience. And they got...
SLADE: Ah, that's theater right there, baby.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: That's incredible.
WATERSTON: There was no other show going on that night. That was it.
HONG: You got Shakespeare [expletive]-blocked by a family of raccoons?
SLADE: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Sam, you have the cutest laugh. What? That was so sweet.
WATERSTON: Well, you guys are so funny.
CHEE: Aw-shucks. He's hitting on me, too.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Sam, I feel like we could talk to you forever, but we've actually asked you here to play a game that we are calling...
KURTIS: Dum dum.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: That was Bill's beautiful rendition of the "Law & Order" theme. And the only thing more synonymous with Law & Order than you is that famous two-note duh-dum (ph) theme. So we thought we'd ask you about Dum Dum pops, the famous lollipops that you get for free when your mom brings you to the bank.
Bill, who is Sam Waterston playing for?
KURTIS: Sarah Carpenter (ph) of Portland, Ore.
(CHEERING)
CHEE: Sam, no pressure, but her fate rests in your hands. Here is your first question. Mixed in with classic flavors like cherry, cotton candy and cream soda, Dum Dums are famous for having mystery flavor pops. What is the mystery flavor? A, a brand new flavor designed by the current employee of the month; B, a mix of flavors because they don't clean their machines in between flavors; or C, guava.
WATERSTON: I'm going with C.
CHEE: Do you want to guess again?
(LAUGHTER)
WATERSTON: I want to go with the flavor designed by the employee of the month.
CHEE: Sam, you're killing me.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: I'll give you one more guess.
(LAUGHTER)
WATERSTON: Unclean machines?
CHEE: Yes.
HONG: Ew. Really?
CHEE: Yeah.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: We'll give it to him.
PAPA: Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: It's true. Instead of cleaning their machines, they just add in the new flavor and call it mystery flavor...
HONG: Ew.
CHEE: ...Until the previous flavor is all gone. It's gross, but it's efficient, like a plunger.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Sam, you absolutely crushed it. We're moving on to the next question.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Here is your next question. In 1997, Dr. Irving MD became a goodwill ambassador for Dum Dums, sharing the treats with hospital staff. Now, tell me what is unique about Dr. Irving MD? A, he won an award for the pediatrician with the most fun waiting room; B, he is the fifth out of the five doctors who don't want you to choose sugarless gum; or C, he is a Capuchin monkey.
(LAUGHTER)
WATERSTON: I feel fated to get this all wrong too, but I'm going to go with one.
HONG: (Whispering) Capuchin monkey.
WATERSTON: What did you say?
HONG: Capuchin. (Whispering) Capuchin monkey.
KURTIS: (Whispering) What?
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: OK. We're going to go through the answers again. A, he won an award for the pediatrician with the most fun waiting room; B, he's the fifth out of five doctors who doesn't want you to chew sugarless gum; or C, he's a Capuchin monkey.
(CHEERING)
WATERSTON: OK. I'm going to say C.
CHEE: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Sam, that's correct. C, he's a monkey, and I don't think his medical license is legit. All right, here's your last question. You've got them both right so far.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: People are going crazy. They're throwing off their shirts.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Here's your last question. Dum Dums have been owned by the Spangler family since 1953, but some members of that family have branched out on their own, including one who has started her own company. That makes candy out of what? A, stem cells; B, compost; C, sugar from six of the seven continents all mixed together.
WATERSTON: I don't know. B?
CHEE: Yes.
KURTIS: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
PAPA: Woo-hoo.
KURTIS: Good guess.
CHEE: Well done. B, the company is called Climate Candy, and they make candy out of imperfect fruits and vegetables that farmers normally throw away. Bill, how did Sam Waterston do on our quiz?
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Sam is such a good Lincoln, we're going to give him all three right.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Sam Waterston is an award-winning actor and the chairman of the board of Oceana, an NGO devoted to conserving the world's oceans. Sam, thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
KURTIS: Good job, Sam. Thank you.
(SOUNDBITE OF MIKE POST'S "LAW AND ORDER")
CHEE: In just a minute, Bill splits hairs with the rail splitter in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAITWAIT to join us on air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Tom Papa, Alzo Slade and Helen Hong. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill. Filling in for Peter Sagal, it's Karen Chee.
(CHEERING)
CHEE: Yay. Thanks, Bill. In just a minute, Bill goes for gold with his rhyme-nastics (ph) routine, if you'd like to play. So give us a call at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news.
Alzo, Newark, N.J., recently held a big ceremony announcing their new sister city, Shrikailasa. But just six days later, they cut ties with Shrikailasa. Why?
SLADE: Because the name sucks.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: I mean, I wish that were why.
SLADE: Can I have a hint?
CHEE: Of course. Newark may have been worried about upsetting their other sister city, Wakanda.
SLADE: It's fake.
CHEE: Yeah.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: Shrikailasa does not exist. Newark got scammed.
HONG: What?
CHEE: Yeah. It's not clear exactly how the original agreement was made between Newark and Shrikailasa. And I - honestly, I was about to say I don't even know if I'm pronouncing that name correctly, but then I remembered it's a pretend city.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Oh, it's so sad that no one in Newark has the internet.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: What? Well, the thing is, Newark should have should have known it was a scam, because who wants to be a sister city to Newark?
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Oh. Oh.
CHEE: Oh, man.
PAPA: Oh.
SLADE: What does it mean to be a sister city anyway?
CHEE: Sometimes they get into fights, but they always make up...
HONG: Yeah.
CHEE: ...By the end of the day.
SLADE: You see what I'm - yeah. So...
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: You make friendship bracelets together.
SLADE: Right.
HONG: Yeah.
CHEE: Tom, the World Baseball Classic is underway, and there's controversy as the Italian team was spotted with a what in their dugout.
PAPA: Big bowl of spaghetti.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Honestly, just as stereotypical.
PAPA: Oh, really? Espresso.
CHEE: Yeah, I'll give it to you. That's correct.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: An espresso machine.
PAPA: An espresso machine. Wow.
CHEE: People at the World Baseball Classic are not happy, which is crazy, because this definitely would have helped the Italians dominate the World Stereotype Classic.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Well, as an Italian, they know they're not going to win, so why not enjoy it?
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: Is that considered performance enhancing?
CHEE: I mean, that's a good question. I feel like if you take an espresso, one of the players might actually run during a baseball game.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Yeah. I think there's only rules against juicing.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: For our listeners at home, Tom is dancing.
Alzo, this week we learned about another way Gen Z is fighting against the norms of society. They are refusing to do what?
SLADE: Work.
HONG: OK, Grouchy Grandpa.
SLADE: I know, right? These youngsters these days don't know what work is.
CHEE: A hint is...
SLADE: A hint, please. Yes.
CHEE: ...You put your hands at 10 and 2, Boomer.
SLADE: Driving?
CHEE: Yes, that's correct.
SLADE: Yes, driving.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: Yeah. Gen Z is showing no interest in learning how to drive. It's just like that classic Olivia Rodrigo song, "Taking The Bus."
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: A report found that less than 35% of 16- to 19-year-olds in the U.S. have a driver's license.
SLADE: Whoa.
CHEE: Although technically that number does go up if you count all the fake driver's licenses.
(LAUGHTER)
HONG: Wait, so they're just taking...
PAPA: Wow.
HONG: ...Ubers and Lyfts?
CHEE: Yeah. They're actually - they apparently say that they're happy to rely on their parents and Ubers to get them where they need to go, which really just means they're happy for their parents to pay for their Ubers.
PAPA: Oh, I have a 17-year-old who is not getting her license...
CHEE: Oh.
PAPA: ...And is doing...
HONG: Like, purposely?
PAPA: Yeah. She doesn't - she's not into it.
CHEE: I got to say, I'm, like, a fully grown adult woman. I also don't have a driver's license, but I think it's because I have no friends.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: She doesn't either. Maybe I'll give you her number.
CHEE: Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: That's great. We can hang out. That won't be creepy at all.
PAPA: Yeah. It'll be...
HONG: Wait. But it...
PAPA: ...Really creepy when I'm driving you both to the movies.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DRIVERS LICENSE")
OLIVIA RODRIGO: (Singing) Red lights, stop signs. I still see your face in the white cars, front yards. Can't drive past the places...
CHEE: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank, but first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. You can catch us most weeks right here at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Or you can see us in Nashville, Tenn., on April 27 at TPAC and Tanglewood in western Massachusetts on June 22. And the Wait Wait stand-up tour is coming to Boston and New York City, so you can find information and tickets for all these shows at nprpresents.org. Hello, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!
KEVIN: Hi, this is Kevin (ph), and I'm calling from Frenchtown, N.J.
CHEE: Frenchtown? Bonjour, Kevin.
(LAUGHTER)
KEVIN: Thank you.
PAPA: Is Frenchtown a real town?
KEVIN: It is.
PAPA: Interesting.
HONG: Is it, like, population six?
KEVIN: Eight.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Oh, Kevin, that was such a good joke.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: I love that. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two limericks, you're a winner. So here is your first limerick.
KURTIS: I'm in charge of Aunt Judy's affairs. There's a box of real weird stuff in there. When Abe Lincoln was dead, the doc shaved his head, and Aunt Judy wound up with his...
KEVIN: Hairs?
KURTIS: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: That's right.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: This week, The Washington Post's Matt Bai profiled his neighbor who inherited a bunch of weird old junk from his Aunt Judy when she died. Among the stuff he found was a box of Abraham Lincoln's hair.
HONG: What?
CHEE: And thank God it came from his head.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: First of all, how do you know it's Abe Lincoln's hair?
HONG: Did it - was it labeled Abe Lincoln's head - hair?
CHEE: Yeah, it was labeled Abe Lincoln's head hair.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: But wait a minute. Why are we all so trusting that it was Abe Lincoln's hair?
CHEE: I'm assuming next to it was some sort of receipt where she got it from? You know, when you buy...
SLADE: What, like the Emancipation Proclamation?
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: All right. Kevin, here is your next limerick.
KURTIS: Of boneless wings, I got a bucket, but the content is something I shrug at. Now my lawsuit will prove that no bones were removed. They just sold me some kids' chicken...
KEVIN: Nuggets?
CHEE: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: Good for you.
CHEE: You got it.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: An Illinois man is suing Buffalo Wild Wings for calling their boneless wings wings when they're really just chicken nugs. He's not wrong, but also, did he really think they were deboning wings so that the dudes from Sigma Chi could hork (ph) down their food without choking? Also, I want to make fun of this guy, but really, what a special soul - right? - to be so trusting in this world filled with lies. Who is he, Paddington Bear?
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: Listen, I'm with him on this one, 'cause it's a crock of BS. Boneless - I don't think they're chicken - they're more like chicken tenders because the length of them. You know what I'm saying? But...
PAPA: No, but go on.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: A chicken nugget is round.
PAPA: Right.
CHEE: Sometimes they're in the shape of dinosaurs.
HONG: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: Oh, no, that's not chicken.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: So we should just sue them for insulting our intelligence.
(LAUGHTER)
SLADE: But we still fall for it anyway.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Kevin, here's your last limerick.
KURTIS: Dried spuds are not meant for the plate, no. They will help make the wedding quite great, though. Until things get sweaty, they're great as confetti. Throw flakes of some dried mashed...
KEVIN: Potatoes?
KURTIS: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: That's correct.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Guests have started throwing instant mashed potatoes at weddings instead of rice because rice makes pigeons explode. Instant potatoes also makes them explode, but from happiness.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Instant mashed potatoes, aka the dandruff of the food world.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: They're honestly perfect as confetti because when dry, they're just flakes. But a recent wedding was not dry, and all the flaky confetti turned into - that's right - mashed potatoes.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: But honestly, I don't get why this is so bad - right? - 'cause you get married, you go dancing and you come home covered in potatoes? That's like the genie granted all three of my wishes at once.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Bill, how did Kevin do?
KURTIS: Kevin aced it - three in a row. Good going, Kevin.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: Kevin, thank you so much for playing. Goodbye.
KEVIN: Bye. Thank you so much.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
CHEE: Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?
KURTIS: Alzo has three. Tom has three. Helen has two.
CHEE: OK, Helen, you're in third place, so you're up first. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, the Pentagon released footage of a Russian fighter jet crashing a U.S. blank.
HONG: Drone.
CHEE: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: On Tuesday, the state of Ohio announced plans to sue blank over train derailment in the state.
HONG: The company that derailed the train.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Norfolk Southern.
HONG: Yeah, that's what I said.
CHEE: No.
HONG: Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: This week, a federal judge in Texas appeared receptive to claims that a blank pill wasn't properly vetted by the FDA.
HONG: Abortion pill.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: Following a fall, Senate Minority Leader blank was discharged from the hospital on Monday.
HONG: Mitch McConnell.
HONG: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: This week, police in Georgia in pursuit of a group of robbers using a Tesla as a getaway car caught them when they blanked.
HONG: Like, their battery died.
CHEE: Oh, yeah. I'll give that to you. Stopped to charge the car.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: According to a new medical study, climate change is causing blank season to start earlier than ever.
HONG: Mating season.
CHEE: Oh, no.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Allergy season. On Wednesday, NASA unveiled a new spacesuit design for their mission to the blank.
HONG: The moon.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: This week, dog owners in Toronto were confused...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
CHEE: ...After the city put up a sign prohibiting blank at a local dog park.
HONG: Dogs.
CHEE: Ooh - they're prohibiting barking at the dog park.
HONG: What?
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: It's true. The sign read, do not allow your dog to bark and disturb the neighborhood.
HONG: What?
CHEE: After dog owners complained, the city said they were just trying to provide a more peaceful environment for everyone in the community. But they really should have thought of that before building the dog park right next to the combination Frisbee factory and squirrel sanctuary.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Bill, how did Helen do?
KURTIS: Five right, 10 more points, total of 12 puts her in the lead.
(APPLAUSE)
SLADE: Good job.
CHEE: All right. OK, Alzo, you're up next.
SLADE: Oh, Lord.
CHEE: Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, President Biden signed an executive order requiring more background checks for blank buyers.
SLADE: Home buyers.
CHEE: Ooh, gun buyers.
SLADE: That's right, gun buyers.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: For the first time since Russia's invasion, Chinese leader Xi Jinping announced plans to meet with Ukrainian President blank.
SLADE: Zelenskyy.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: This week, the state of Texas announced plans to take over blank's public school district.
SLADE: Houston.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: On Tuesday, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors approved a draft proposal to offer blanks to Black residents.
SLADE: Reparations.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: This week, the supermarket chain Aldi came under fire because customers say their Easter Bunny marshmallows are shaped more like a blank.
SLADE: Penis.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: At the Oscars on Sunday, blank won best picture, as well as six other awards.
SLADE: Oh, shucks. "A Whole Life," "A Whole..."
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: It's "Everything Everywhere All At Once."
SLADE: Yes, all of that.
CHEE: After a potato chip company offered a $100,000 prize...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
CHEE: ...To anyone who found a perfectly heart-shaped chip, the woman who found it blanked.
SLADE: Ate it.
CHEE: Yeah, that's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: The woman had no idea about the contest when she found the heart-shaped chip in her bag, sent a picture of it to her friends and then ate it, missing out on the $100,000 prize.
HONG: No.
CHEE: It's all OK, though, because the chip company looked at the picture and confirmed it was actually a much less valuable butt-shaped chip.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Bill, how did Alzo do?
KURTIS: Well, five right, 10 more points, 13 puts him one point in the lead.
PAPA: Whoa.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: And Bill, so how many points does Tom need to win?
KURTIS: Well, five to tie and six to win.
CHEE: OK, Tom, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, social media giant blank announced they were cutting 10,000 more jobs.
PAPA: Facebook.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: On Monday, the Biden administration announced it was approving a controversial drilling project in blank.
PAPA: Alaska.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: This week, Stormy Daniels met with the prosecutors investigating blank.
PAPA: Trump.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: When asking for help locating a St. Patrick's Day reveler who stole the plates off a police car, helpful officers said they were looking for blank.
PAPA: Leprechauns.
CHEE: A male in a green jacket and Irish hat - so, yeah.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
PAPA: Yeah.
CHEE: OK.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: On Wednesday, a group of scientists announced they'd successfully created mice with two biologically blank parents.
PAPA: Male.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: On Thursday, West Virginia faced Maryland in the opening game of the blank tournament.
PAPA: The NCAA March Madness tournament.
CHEE: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CHEE: In an effort to make biking more macho...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
CHEE: ...And more safe, a company in Europe started selling blank.
PAPA: Bicycles.
CHEE: No, they started selling glowing bike nuts.
(LAUGHTER)
PAPA: Oh, that dangle off the back.
CHEE: Yeah. You've heard of truck nuts, but now there are bike nuts.
PAPA: Wow. And I know this seems like a negative story, but it's good to see that America's influence is still alive.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Bill, did Tom do well enough to win?
KURTIS: He got six right, 12 more points, gives him the win at 15.
(APPLAUSE)
PAPA: Well played.
CHEE: Tom, congratulations. Now, panel, what will we do with that seaweed blob? Tom, you're up first.
PAPA: Turn it into a sexy shag carpet for bachelor manatees.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: Helen.
HONG: It's the new CrossFit workout. Move over, giant truck tires. Here comes Sargassum chucking.
(LAUGHTER)
CHEE: And Alzo.
SLADE: Just package it up, and sell it at Whole Foods.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Well, if any of that happens at all, we're going to ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!
CHEE: Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thanks also to Tom Papa, Helen Hong and Alzo Slade. Thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Karen Chee, filling in for Peter Sagal. And we'll see you next week.
(APPLAUSE)
CHEE: This is NPR.
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