'Wait Wait' for December 9, 2023: With Not My Job guest Fred Schneider
JENNIFER MILLS, BYLINE: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real, live people.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Happy Hanukkah. Light the anchorman-orah (ph). I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Ill., filling in for Peter Sagal, it's Negin Farsad.
NEGIN FARSAD, HOST:
Thanks, Bill.
(CHEERING)
FARSAD: Thanks, everybody. As Bill said, I am Negin Farsad, sitting in for Peter Sagal, which means the substitute host is in. Watch me struggle to figure out what chapter we're on and then finally admit that all we can do is watch "Dangerous Minds" on VHS.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Later on - I'm really excited for this - Fred Schneider from The B-52s is joining us to play our games and finally define, what is a rock lobster? But first, it's your turn. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
AMANDA: Hi. This is Amanda from Putney, Vt.
FARSAD: Hey, Amanda. What do you do there in Vermont?
AMANDA: Until recently, I was a librarian. I am now a project manager for a nonprofit.
FARSAD: So you were a librarian. What was some of the weirder things people would ask you for?
AMANDA: I mean, mostly I got asked where the bathroom was, so...
(LAUGHTER)
AMANDA: ...You know, it's an important piece of information to pass along. Sure.
LUKE BURBANK: You're, like, between the A's and the C's.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Well, thank you for doing your service to everyone's bowels. Now, let me introduce you to our panel. First up, an actor you know from "Loki" and "Star Trek: Lower Decks," it's Eugene Cordero.
EUGENE CORDERO: Hi, Amanda. How are you?
(CHEERING)
AMANDA: Good. How are you?
CORDERO: I'm good.
FARSAD: Next, it's the host of the daily podcast "TBTL" and the public radio variety show "Live Wire," which will be live at Revolution Hall in Portland December 14. It's Luke Burbank.
BURBANK: Hey, Amanda.
(APPLAUSE)
AMANDA: Hey, Luke.
FARSAD: And you can see her December 22 in El Cajon, Calif., at the Magnolia and January 27 in Atlanta, Ga., at the Buckhead Theatre. It's Paula Poundstone.
(APPLAUSE)
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey, Amanda.
AMANDA: Hi, Paula.
FARSAD: Amanda, are you ready to play?
AMANDA: I am.
FARSAD: All right. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you identify two of them correctly, you'll win our prize, any voice from our show you choose on your voicemail. And that voicemail will be a big surprise for the spam bots trying to sell you an extended warranty. Are you ready?
AMANDA: Yes. Let's do it.
FARSAD: OK. Here's your first quote. It's a definition.
KURTIS: Noun. Style, charm or attractiveness, taken from the middle part of the word charisma.
FARSAD: That was the definition for Oxford 2023's word of the year. What's the word?
AMANDA: The word is rizz.
FARSAD: That's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
BURBANK: Wow.
FARSAD: Rizz.
BURBANK: She's still at the library.
FARSAD: Yeah. Leave it to a librarian. Rizz is your Oxford 2023 word of the year. And this is helpful to those of us who turn to the Oxford English Dictionary to find out how to talk to teens.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: No cap.
POUNDSTONE: It's a teen word?
FARSAD: I mean, it's - yeah. It's more popular in that age demographic.
POUNDSTONE: Well, now that I know it, I'm going to use it a lot.
FARSAD: And by you using it, you will murder the word.
CORDERO: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: No, not true at all. But, the very mention of that shows a lot of rizz on your part.
BURBANK: Nice. Yes. There're so many. It's - there're so many different ways that the word can be used. You can rizz someone up, which is to kind of like use your charisma. If you're really, like, the most charismatic person in a group, you would be the rizzler...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: ...Which is also a villain from the original "Batman" TV show.
CORDERO: Yeah.
BURBANK: Like, pretty sure.
CORDERO: It's also a steak house, I think.
BURBANK: Yes. Unlimited breadsticks.
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: Yeah.
FARSAD: No. And it definitely seems like once being - you know, becoming word of the year makes the word no longer cool. But maybe teenagers actually offered rizz as a sacrificial slang word, you know? Like, we'll let the olds have rizz so we can keep using deadass in peace.
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: Wasn't Swifty the, like, second runner-up, I believe? They sort of had an open vote, right?
FARSAD: That's right. It was - the runners-up were Swifty and situationship.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Situationship?
FARSAD: Yeah.
POUNDSTONE: What is that?
FARSAD: It's like a relationship that isn't, like, totally defined.
CORDERO: Oh, that's how they go to prom nowadays.
FARSAD: It's also how I did all of my 20s.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Right. Yes.
FARSAD: I didn't get a real commitment out of anyone.
CORDERO: Wow.
BURBANK: Well, Paula, let me try to explain it this way. When two people meet and one has a lot of rizz...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: ...A situationship can be born.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, man. That's beautiful.
CORDERO: Yeah. A situationship is also a relationship with the guy from "Jersey Shore," I think.
BURBANK: Right.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Why when I'm with you all do I feel like I never have left my house?
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Like this is my first time out in years.
FARSAD: I feel like this was, like, a really - like a learning segment.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah, this is.
FARSAD: So I feel like we all did that really well.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
FARSAD: All right. Here's your next quote.
KURTIS: "Hi-ho, Earth people. CosMc here. I popped in from outer space on a trade mission."
FARSAD: Those were the words of an alien named CosMc, the mascot for a new restaurant from what fast food giant?
AMANDA: Oh, thank goodness I skimmed The New York Times today. That would be McDonald's.
FARSAD: That's right. McDonald's.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: So for the first time in its history, McDonald's is opening a new restaurant in America. It's CosMc's, part of the McDonald's extended universe. And it's a challenge to Starbucks. That's right, CosMc's is the restaurant for everybody who likes Starbucks but happens to be closer to a CosMc's.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: This is actually very much aimed, I think, at a company that's popular in the Northwest, where I'm from. I'm from Portland, Ore., now. And there's a company called Dutch Bros. And they have, like, tons of locations. And it's coffee, drive-thru coffee things. The fans call themselves the Dutch Mafia. And they have bumper stickers.
POUNDSTONE: Wow.
BURBANK: Their innovation was to put Skittles in coffee.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: And it's wildly popular out there. And what I've read is that McDonald's is trying to corner that market. The people that think Starbucks is too healthy...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: ...The people that think a 7,000-calorie breakfast shake is too healthy now have a place, aside from Dutch Bros., to go to get their candy drink in the morning.
FARSAD: Also, it's just, like, another reason to find Portland annoying. No?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: The menu has drinks you can't get anywhere else. There's the Popping Pear Slush, the S'mores Cold Brew. Basically, everything they serve is a combination of a Frappuccino and those drinks from Panera that kill you.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: So...
CORDERO: Yeah, those all sound disgusting.
POUNDSTONE: Are they - is it going to look like a McDonald's? Is it going to have, like, you know, the...
CORDERO: Because that's what you're into, Paula? The aesthetic of McDonald's?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: I'm actually - I actually have some intel on the design features. The design actually features a simple color scheme of bold yellow and blue because if there's anything McDonald's wants us to do, it's to think about the conflict in Ukraine.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Very clever on their part.
FARSAD: All right, Amanda. Your last quote is from New York magazine with some timely holiday advice.
KURTIS: "It's better that they think of you as the one with the insane Excel skills and not the one who passed out on the copier."
FARSAD: This is a helpful word of advice for what occasion that happens this time of year?
AMANDA: Work Christmas parties?
FARSAD: That's right.
KURTIS: Yes. Exactly.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: So due to the pandemic and budget cutbacks, many offices have not had a holiday party in several years. Well they're back. Finally, a chance to spend an evening with the people you spend every day with.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: It's only when holiday parties went away because of the pandemic that I started to reflect on what a truly unhinged idea it really is.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Let's take a bunch of people who are very stressed out and where there's a whole hierarchy, and people are mostly not saying what they want to say...
(LAUGHTER_
BURBANK: ...For 60 to 80 hours a week. And then let's apply a river of alcohol to the situation.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: What could possibly go wrong?
FARSAD: And it's so tough, like, when you can't remember somebody's name at the office party, right? Like, it doesn't work to introduce somebody to your spouse and be like, honey, this is either Brandon or Brendan. I don't know.
BURBANK: Aw, man.
POUNDSTONE: You know, I could never - you know how you get to know somebody too well to ask their name.
BURBANK: Yes.
FARSAD: Yeah. Years go by.
POUNDSTONE: So I was like that with my dad. I...
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: You know, I would recognize him in the hallway.
BURBANK: Like, what's up, guy?
POUNDSTONE: Yeah. I'd be like, I know that guy. I know that guy.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: All right. Bill, how did Amanda do?
KURTIS: Amanda's been studying at that library because she got a perfect score. Amanda.
(APPLAUSE)
POUNDSTONE: Nice, Amanda.
FARSAD: Great job, Amanda. Thanks so much for playing.
AMANDA: Thank you. It was very fun.
FARSAD: Bye.
AMANDA: Bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
FARSAD: Right now, panel, it's time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Luke, the Calm meditation app has an exciting new celebrity bedtime story available, read by which celebrity?
BURBANK: Gilbert Gottfried's ghost.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: No. Let me give you a hint.
BURBANK: Oh, OK. That wasn't right?
FARSAD: It's A Wonderful App.
BURBANK: Jimmy Stewart?
FARSAD: That's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: Jimmy Stewart.
BURBANK: So it was a ghost.
FARSAD: Yeah.
BURBANK: I just had the wrong ghost.
FARSAD: That's right.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: The Calm app is a mental health app that companies like to offer their employees in lieu of health care.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: And...
(APPLAUSE)
POUNDSTONE: You know what? You just lost yours.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: They were going to give you Calm. They're not now.
FARSAD: Now they're not going to - well, and look. I love Jimmy Stewart as much as the next guy. But I don't know if he has the most bedtime-friendly voice, right? He's just like, (imitating Jimmy Stewart) now, well, wait a minute. Gee willikers, if it isn't time for bed.
BURBANK: You see. You see...
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Thank you. That was my Jimmy Stewart.
BURBANK: (Imitating Jimmy Stewart) You've got this sleep thing all wrong, see. It's not in your head. It's in Eugene's head and Paula's head and all your heads.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
BURBANK: Like, an odd choice for a bedtime narrator.
FARSAD: And it's, like, a waste of money to use AI to do this when you can literally ask any person on the street to do their Jimmy Stewart impression.
BURBANK: Right. Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Well, OK. I wouldn't say any person because I think part of what made Luke's Jimmy Stewart impression so powerful...
BURBANK: Thank you.
POUNDSTONE: ...Was how unidentifiable it was coming from you, Negin.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: (Imitating Jimmy Stewart) Why, what do you mean, Paula? I don't know.
(SOUNDBITE OF METALLICA SONG, "ENTER SANDMAN")
FARSAD: Coming up, we crack the case in our Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Paula Poundstone, Eugene Cordero and Luke Burbank. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., filling in for Peter Sagal. It's Negin Farsad.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: Thanks, Bill. Right now it's time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on air. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
MARK GREENE: Hi, I'm Mark Greene (ph) in Nashville, Tenn.
FARSAD: Hey, Mark. What do you do in Nashville?
GREENE: Oh, I'm retired. I ride my bike and listen to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
FARSAD: Oh. Well, do you ever do both at the same time?
GREENE: Oh, yeah. This summer, I did a cross-country bikepacking trip, and I caught up on all of the episodes I hadn't heard before, either cruising along on my bike or in my tent at night. I listened and listened until I nailed them all.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: Well, Mark, listening to the entire WAIT WAIT archive on a bike makes you one of the more delightfully weird callers...
BURBANK: That's really saying something with this show, buddy.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
FARSAD: Thanks so much for joining us. It's so nice to have you. You're going to play our game in which you hear three stories and pick the one that's true. What's the topic, Bill?
KURTIS: Case Closed.
FARSAD: OK, so everybody loves a mystery. Whodunit? How'd they do it? What's in that one drawer in Peter Sagal's office he told me to never, ever open?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Our panelists are going to tell you about a small-town mystery solved this week. Pick the panelist telling the truth, and you'll win our prize, the WAIT WAIT-er of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?
GREENE: You bet.
FARSAD: OK. First up, Eugene Cordero.
CORDERO: For months, the residents of a small mountain village of Vastogirardi in southern Italy were gripped in terror. The town was being targeted by a slasher of tires. Villagers were worried that the offender was a furious neighbor - or worst, involved in mob activities. The police started patrolling the area in plain clothes and, after a report of four more attacks, mounted surveillance cameras. These cameras were able to catch the criminal, who lives in the village, destroying a tire with his teeth - because he's a dog...
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: ...With gingivitis. Billy the dog was using the car tires to soothe his painful mouth by biting into the rubber. That is good for the people of the town, but all domesticated animals now know to never cross Billy the Tooth.
FARSAD: (Laughter). All right. A dog with gingivitis slashing tires from Eugene Cordero. Your next mystery wrapped in an enigma comes from Paula Poundstone.
POUNDSTONE: Before I begin, Mark - and you can choose anybody's story you want, but I do want to tell you that you've got a lot of rizz.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Historical markers started showing up in the tiny Finnish town of Rautavaara a while ago. The problem? None of the events happened. One marker is a metal pole holding a rusty sign declaring that this was the site of an 1832 battle when the citizens, armed with only their wits and extraordinary sweaters, successfully fought the invasion of the Moors. Patrons of Hurtigurta's (ph) Pub will find a similarly aged sign outside their destination, claiming it was once the home of Mark Twain and the very place from which he wrote several chapters of "Huckleberry Finn."
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: When 17-year-old Reigmore Latvala (ph) was spotted near a new rusty sign marking the site of the first successful surgical separation of conjoined twins connected at the head...
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: ...On a sled, she confessed, our whole town is just a field, a pub and a wire sheep brush repair shop. I just wanted to make it more exciting.
(LAUGHTER APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: All right. Bogus historical markers in a small town in Finland from Paula Poundstone.
POUNDSTONE: I prefer you not use the word bogus near my bluff.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: And your last whodunit comes from Luke Burbank.
BURBANK: Korce, Albania, is the seventh-largest city in the country, but you might as well have thought it was Tirana recently thanks to all the attention it was getting. It all started back in September. I pulled the toast out of the toaster and could not believe what I was seeing, Eliza Prifty (ph) told the Korce Gazette. What Eliza observed was a face burned into the toast - but not just any face - the face of the greatest living Albanian American, Jim Belushi.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Now that Mother Teresa and Regis Philbin are gone, Prifty continued, Jim Belushi is basically the patron saint of Albania. So to see his face in my toast was a great blessing - a blessing that about 50 other people in the area also shared, as they, too, saw images of Belushi in their toast.
After rigorous reporting, the Gazette published its findings this week. It turns out that Tote Doli (ph), which is Albania's leading toaster company, was experimenting with a cheaper heating element, which, when turned to eight on the knob, melted slightly and toasted a shape eerily similar to the star of such hits as "K-9," according to Jim and Canine Private Investigations. Tote Doli has offered to replace any of the Belushi toasters, with exactly zero Albanians taking them up on the offer so far.
FARSAD: (Laughter).
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: OK, Mark. OK. Mark, you've got, from Eugene, a dog with gingivitis slashing tires, from Paula, a town full of bogus historical markers and from Luke, a town in Albania where Jim Belushi is on all their toast. Which one of these is real?
GREENE: Well, as authentic as all those names that Paula pronounced certainly were, I've got to go with Billy the dog because they sure can slash tires.
FARSAD: OK.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: Well, to find out the correct answer, we spoke to an expert on the real story.
HUNTER FINN: Billy has wreaked some havoc, and Billy needs to get a dental cleaning so he can go back to not chewing tires.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: That was Dr. Hunter Finn, a veterinarian and owner of Pet Method hospital, talking about the dog with gingivitis. Congratulations, Mark. You got it right.
CORDERO: Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: You earned a point for Eugene, and you've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail.
POUNDSTONE: Thank you, Mark.
GREENE: Thank you so much.
FARSAD: Bye.
KURTIS: See you, Mark.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BREAKING THE LAW")
JUDAS PRIEST: (Singing) Breaking the law. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. Breaking the law.
FARSAD: Now it's time for a game we call Not My Job. Fred Schneider may be the most unlikely pop star of all time. As the singer and frontman of The B-52s, he scored several surreal hits with songs like "Rock Lobster," "Love Shack" and "Private Idaho." Since then, he's written books, composed TV theme songs and, with his band The Superions, released one of the strangest and best Christmas albums of all time. Fred Schneider, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
FRED SCHNEIDER: Oh, I'm excited (ph).
(APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: So, Fred, I want to start by asking you about "Rock Lobster." It was your first major hit song, and it's about rock lobsters. Were you surprised that that's the song that broke into the mainstream?
SCHNEIDER: I'm surprised anything did.
(LAUGHTER)
SCHNEIDER: Well, it didn't break into the mainstream. It was a alternative hit. It got played on alternative radio. But it made us huge in Australia.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Why do you think it was - more so than in the United States, you think, your impact on Australia?
SCHNEIDER: Well, I think they're crazier, like me. They just - they appreciate just something that's really off-the-wall because around this country, we were playing dumps. And we get to Australia, and they have limos waiting for us. And they take us around in yachts. And we're like, whoa.
BURBANK: I'm surprised you came back.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Well, so another one of your hits was "Love Shack." And it's, like, a huge karaoke staple.
SCHNEIDER: I know. Ugh.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Is it?
SCHNEIDER: Oh, Lord. Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: OK...
SCHNEIDER: I've been to clubs, and people start ruining it. So I just get up there and say, oh, let me...
POUNDSTONE: Have you? You've gone to a karaoke club and done your own song?
SCHNEIDER: Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SCHNEIDER: And I despise (ph) karaoke.
(APPLAUSE)
POUNDSTONE: Oh, my gosh. That's great.
FARSAD: By the way, I was - two weeks ago, I was one of the people that ruined your song in a karaoke bar.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Well, one of the reasons we wanted you to come on the show is because you have the rerelease of a Christmas album coming out. It's called "Destination... Christmas!" Can you tell us a little bit about some of the titles of the songs and some of the subject matter?
SCHNEIDER: We have, "Betty And Teddy Yeti." And actually, we were fortunate enough to be on The Times' best 10 Christmas albums when it first came out. And they said, just when you think it can't get any worse at the North Pole, it does.
(LAUGHTER)
SCHNEIDER: We have the song "Fruitcake," which celebrates fruitcake, which I love and most people hate.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: I mean, it's funny. It's - the funny thing about the album is that it's a little like apocalyptic Christmas, you know? I mean, there's a lot of, like, death and destruction in the album. Like, what is your, like, relationship with Christmas?
SCHNEIDER: Oh, I love the holidays.
(LAUGHTER)
SCHNEIDER: We have an overdone Christmas tree, and my friend Michael, who helped me with this, said it looks like Christmas threw up in my house.
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: Hey, Fred, can I ask you a quick question? Do you - so I used to teach improv at this improv theater called the Upright Citizens Brigade. And we would do a warm-up, an improv warm-up called Hey, Fred Schneider. Have you heard of that?
SCHNEIDER: Yes, actually. I went to Second City. They asked me to do improv. So I've done improv because I took it under Gary Austin from The Groundlings. And so they were doing that. And I walked down - and goes, well, this is really great.
CORDERO: Oh, man. It's such a fun game. You just, as Fred Schneider - and I'm sure he would just interrupt you because we're not doing it as good as he would do it...
FARSAD: Yes.
CORDERO: But you would say, hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing? And then you would respond, like, I'm singing "Rock "Lobster" as Red Lobster loses money or something like that.
SCHNEIDER: (Imitating accent) I would sing like this, which I never sang like before.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
CORDERO: Very true. Yes. Which we understand why you would hate.
SCHNEIDER: No, I think it's funny. It's like, who thought of this?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Well, speaking of, who thought of this? - you have a song called "Someone Threw A Ham At Me" (ph). And is that, like, autobiographical? Did that really happen?
SCHNEIDER: Well, a friend claimed he saw some lady walking - you know, walking up to the cashier. And all of a sudden, a canned ham falls from under her dress. And she turned around real quick and said, who threw that ham at me?
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Nice save.
SCHNEIDER: I thought that would be a good theme for a song.
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: That's amazing.
FARSAD: It's an excellent song. If you don't know this tune, you must look it up. Well, Fred Schneider, we've asked you here to play a game we're calling...
KURTIS: Bang, Bang, Bang on the Court, Baby.
FARSAD: You had a huge hit with "Love Shack," but how much do you love Shaq, meaning, of course, NBA great Shaquille O'Neal? Answer two out of three questions right about "Shaq Diesel," and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Fred Schneider playing for?
KURTIS: Joel Baker (ph) of Houston, Texas.
FARSAD: All right. Fred, here is your first question.
SCHNEIDER: Oh, Lord. And if I really screw up, I'll do the voice on his voicemail.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: OK. Shaquille O'Neal was one of the biggest centers of all time, but he was pretty bad at making free throws - so much so that which of these happened? He decided to start shooting free throws underhand; B, he once got so excited after making a free throw that he took off running down the court, forgetting that he was supposed to shoot two free throws; or C, one time, instead of even trying, he just gave the ball to the referee and said, let's not waste everybody's time.
(LAUGHTER)
SCHNEIDER: Are you serious?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Yeah.
SCHNEIDER: A.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: So you want to go with he decided to start shooting free throws underhand. But if you didn't go with that, like, what's one of the other ones you would go with?
(LAUGHTER)
SCHNEIDER: B.
FARSAD: Oh, my God, that's absolutely right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: His teammates were excited too, high-fiving him as they escorted him back to the free-throw line.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, my gosh, that's funny.
SCHNEIDER: That's heartwarming.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: All right, here's your next question. Shaq broke many records on the court, but he also holds one record from outside the world of basketball. What is it? Was it, A, he once spent $70,000 during a single visit to Walmart, the biggest individual sale in the company's history; or B, he holds the world record for most pieces of gum chewed at the same time at 250; or C, he sleeps on the largest mattress that Sealy has ever made, a custom order called an Orlando King?
(LAUGHTER)
SCHNEIDER: Oh. A?
FARSAD: That's right.
KURTIS: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: He spent $70,000...
BURBANK: Wow.
FARSAD: ...In a Walmart visit. So he had just been traded to Phoenix, where the team had found him an unfurnished apartment. So he went to Walmart and just bought everything. And actually his credit card was declined, but after he talked to American Express, they let it go through, so...
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Here's your last question. Shaq has also done some acting. In 2002, he did a voice for a video game called Quest for the Code. This game had an all-star cast that also included Whoopi Goldberg, Glenn Close, Jeff Goldblum and General Norman Schwarzkopf.
BURBANK: Sure.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, my gosh.
FARSAD: What was the goal of Quest for the Code? Was it A, to defeat the Looney Tunes basketball team from Space Jam? Was it B, to find the DNA research that could cure the zombie virus that infected everyone at the Emmy Awards? Or was it C, to learn how to manage your asthma?
(LAUGHTER)
SCHNEIDER: Well, I've been to awards shows, and they're really boring. C.
FARSAD: That's right. It's C.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, my god.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
POUNDSTONE: How did you ever come up with that?
FARSAD: Oh, so good.
SCHNEIDER: A natural.
FARSAD: You're so good. It was a - it was actually - it was how to manage your asthma. It was an educational game. Shaq played a villain called the Foominator (ph), or the Fuminator. Bill, how did Fred do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Three in a row. Boy, are you a champ.
(APPLAUSE)
CORDERO: Wow.
SCHNEIDER: Thank you. It was so much fun (ph). I really had a great time.
FARSAD: Oh, Fred. Fred Schneider is a member of the B-52's and the Superions. And he's the newscaster for the Weekly World News Report on YouTube. Fred Schneider, thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
POUNDSTONE: Nice to meet you, Fred.
KURTIS: Merry Christmas.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "WHO THREW THAT HAM AT ME")
THE SUPERIONS: Who threw that ham at me? Who threw that ham at me? Hey.
FARSAD: In just a minute, we reveal the one must-have item for your next cruise in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Eugene Cordero, Paula Poundstone and Luke Burbank. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., filling in for Peter Sagal, Negin Farsad.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: Thanks, Bill. In just a minute, we all catch a case of rhyme-atoid (ph) arthritis. It's the Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions about this week's news. Luke, to those looking for signs of progress at this year's U.N. Global Climate Change Conference, we point you to a session on, quote, "responsible" what? Responsible something.
BURBANK: Responsible pushing a refrigerator down a hill on the outside of town.
FARSAD: So close. Let me give you a hint.
BURBANK: OK.
FARSAD: I'm naming mine the SS Hypocrite.
BURBANK: Oh, responsible yachting.
FARSAD: That's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: Responsible yachting.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, my gosh.
BURBANK: Oh, wow.
FARSAD: Yeah. Fresh off last year's hit session, Oil Spills: Making Ducks Shinier, the U.N. climate conference brings you responsible yachting. Topics include hybrid engines, nontoxic exterior paints and how to lower your yacht's carbon footprint by leaving your staff's lifeboat behind.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: There was - I will say, the tips on carbon-neutral ascot tying - I do think there were some useful info in there.
FARSAD: Some useful tips in there.
BURBANK: Yeah.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
FARSAD: Well, the session was actually sponsored by a luxury mega-yacht company and included topics like why catamarans? And don't worry, the attendee who asked, have we thought about sailboats was escorted out and immediately detained.
BURBANK: Oh, yeah.
FARSAD: So.
POUNDSTONE: Wow.
CORDERO: What I'm trying to figure out is, like, what is the Venn diagram overlap - a person who owns a billion-dollar yacht that is adding to the destruction of the planet, but also feels bad about it? That's...
BURBANK: Yeah.
CORDERO: I don't - is anyone in that overlap?
BURBANK: Yeah. There's got to be, like, six people there.
CORDERO: Yeah. Did a tumbleweed blow through that breakout session at the climate conference?
FARSAD: All right, Paula, it's the holiday season. The Wall Street Journal reports many children this year are using PowerPoint to do what?
POUNDSTONE: Oh, to make their list of what they want for Santa.
FARSAD: That's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: They're using PowerPoint for Christmas wish lists.
(APPLAUSE)
POUNDSTONE: I was kidding.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: And worse yet, Santa is now taking the list and promising to circle back after connecting with the other account managers.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Yeah.
FARSAD: He knows when you've been sleeping. He knows your key performance indicators.
BURBANK: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: More and more kids are actually frustrated by gifts that weren't exactly what they asked for, and they're creating PowerPoints with subheadings like Shoes I Want, Video Games and Gifts that Ensure You're the Parent I'll Love After the Divorce. And honestly, like, you never want to hear your 7-year-old say, like, hey, did you get that deck I sent?
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: Oh, my gosh, the idea that these kids are doing this now because they didn't get quite what they wanted is maddening. I remember - like, didn't we - I remember getting wooden toys and being very happy about it. Maybe that's just because, I mean, I really like wooden toys, and I asked for it every year. But I just - I get nervous because I have two kids, and I'm worried that we're not going to get them exactly what they want, and they're going to be pissed rather than just excited...
FARSAD: Yeah.
CORDERO: ...That somebody got them something.
FARSAD: This is really a great argument for educating kids less, you know? Like, sure, honey, I'm happy to watch your presentation about how my presents weren't good enough right after you watch my presentation, 36 Hours of Labor, with pictures.
BURBANK: I have to be honest, if my daughter used PowerPoint, I would be so impressed, truthfully. I mean, she's 30, but...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: ...I would still be very impressed.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN")
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: (Singing) He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's going to find out who's naughty or nice. Santa Claus is coming to town.
FARSAD: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you want to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can catch us most weeks here at the beautiful Studebaker Theater in Chicago. For tickets and information, go to nprpresents.org. Also check us out on Instagram at @waitwaitnpr.
Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
JOCELYN: Hi. My name is Jocelyn (ph), and I'm calling in from Kansas City.
FARSAD: Hey, Jocelyn. What do you do there in Kansas City?
JOCELYN: I work as an animal care specialist, taking care of five species of penguins, polar bears, river otters, some sea lions and some sea otters.
BURBANK: Jocelyn, did you see the news about penguins napping thousands of times a day?
FARSAD: (Vocalizing).
BURBANK: Oh, sorry.
FARSAD: Here we go.
(LAUGHTER)
JOCELYN: I did.
BURBANK: I've always wanted to know...
FARSAD: Jocelyn, shut your ears.
BURBANK: ...What it was like to be one of Negin's children. I just found out. Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: (Vocalizing).
FARSAD: OK. All right. Well, Jocelyn, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three newsy limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of them, you're a winner. Here's your first limerick.
KURTIS: We invite retirees on a trip. It's too bad we've let some details slip. So if you've booked a cruise, we've got some bad news. We have guests, but we don't have a...
JOCELYN: Ship.
KURTIS: Ship it is.
FARSAD: That's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: Last year, a cruise company offered a three-year cruise around the world with luxury accommodations and trips to exotic destinations. But just days before it was set to embark, the company announced they'd forgotten to actually buy a boat.
POUNDSTONE: Wow.
FARSAD: Oops. People are blaming the cruise company, but did any of the passengers bother to ask? Hey, just checking. You do have a boat, right?
BURBANK: That is the ultimate embrace of eco-friendly yachting.
CORDERO: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Yeah. No, responsible. It's responsible yachting.
BURBANK: It is responsible yachting.
(APPLAUSE)
POUNDSTONE: You know, so much of travel is just based on trust. Like, when you board and there's a ramp down to the plane, it has never occurred to me to say to the ticketing agent, there is a plane at the end of this, isn't there?
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: That's true.
FARSAD: All right, Jocelyn, here's your next limerick.
KURTIS: With fish eggs, we're proving how suave we are. We'll eat them right after this candy bar. At diners, we're splurging on roe from some sturgeon because everyone's having some...
JOCELYN: Caviar.
KURTIS: Yeah.
FARSAD: Yeah.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: The newest additions to the menu at casual dining spots is caviar. It's becoming a treat for everyone, not just a delicacy for millionaires to eat off their monocles.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Well, at one neighborhood restaurant in Chicago, you can now order the $9 onion dip with $135 worth of beluga caviar plopped on top. It's a great option for anyone who wants their friends to regret splitting the bill.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Geez.
CORDERO: Ooh, onion dip and caviar. What a yummy, yummy combination.
BURBANK: Someone's making a baby tonight.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: All right. Here's your last limerick.
KURTIS: In harsh climates with hundreds of traps, we penguins are affable chaps. We stay cute and pert by sleeping in spurts. We take thousands of three-second...
JOCELYN: I think the answer is probably nap.
KURTIS: Well, we'll ask Luke.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: You're right.
FARSAD: That's right. Naps.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: According to a new study, chinstrap penguins take 10,000 naps a day. I mean, lazy-a** birds - this is why you never learn to fly.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: What do you mean? They take 10,000 naps a day, and they had to do a study to find that?
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: I mean, nobody ever just casually noticed, boy, that bird sleeps a lot?
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Well, that's a question for Jocelyn. I mean, you work with these animals. Have you noticed a lot of napping going on?
JOCELYN: Yeah. I would say that on and off, they would nap, like, in short periods, all of my birds.
POUNDSTONE: You know, Jocelyn, you should've written it down because you could've made a lot of money for that study.
(LAUGHTER)
JOCELYN: Yeah, I should've.
FARSAD: Bill, how did Jocelyn do?
KURTIS: Jocelyn and her animal family got them all right.
POUNDSTONE: All right.
FARSAD: Yay.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: Jocelyn, thanks so much for playing our game.
JOCELYN: Thank you so much for having me.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
FARSAD: Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?
KURTIS: Paula and Luke each have two. Eugene has four.
FARSAD: All right, so Paula and Luke are tied for losing. So I'm just going to...
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: That was...
FARSAD: ...Arbitrarily choose Paula to go first. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Tuscaloosa, Ala., hosted the fourth GOP blank.
POUNDSTONE: Debate.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: On Monday, the Pentagon reported that three commercial ships had been attacked in the blank sea.
POUNDSTONE: I don't know which sea. Maybe the Black Sea.
FARSAD: Wrong. Red Sea. This week, Senate Republican...
POUNDSTONE: I'm colorblind.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: This week, Senate Republicans blocked billions of dollars in additional aid to blank.
POUNDSTONE: Ukraine.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: On Tuesday, Senator Tommy Tuberville announced he would no longer block blank promotions.
POUNDSTONE: Military.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: After taking 20 years to finish "Finnegans Wake," a book club in California announced that their next book would be blank.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, "Ulysses."
FARSAD: No, "Finnegans Wake" again.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Wow.
FARSAD: On Monday, officials in Nicaragua accused the organizers of the blank pageant of conspiring against the nation.
POUNDSTONE: The Miss Universe?
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: Best known for shows like "All In The Family" and "Good Times," legendary writer and producer blank passed away at the age of 101.
POUNDSTONE: The great Norman Lear.
FARSAD: That's right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: This week, a candidate for the Rainier City Council in Washington...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
FARSAD: ...Lost his election by one vote because he blanked.
POUNDSTONE: Because he forgot to vote.
FARSAD: No, because he didn't vote for himself.
POUNDSTONE: That's what I meant.
FARSAD: Damion Green said he thought it would be narcissistic to vote for himself.
POUNDSTONE: OK. All right.
FARSAD: So he abstained and then lost his bid for city council by just one vote.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: I guess that explains his campaign slogan - Damion Green - believe in me because I definitely don't believe in myself.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Wow.
FARSAD: Bill, how do Paula do?
KURTIS: Very well. Five right, 10 more points - total of 12 puts her in the lead.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: OK. Luke, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, ousted House Speaker blank announced he'd retire from Congress at the end of the year.
BURBANK: Kevin McCarthy.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: On Monday, the corruption trial against Israel Prime Minister blank resumed.
BURBANK: Netanyahu.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: This week, fake electors in Wisconsin settled a lawsuit against them, admitting that blank won in 2020.
BURBANK: Biden.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: On Sunday, Alaska Airlines announced a $1 billion deal to buy blank.
BURBANK: Hawaiian Air.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: After workers at a protein bar factory were required to wear hairnets, customers found blank in their protein bars.
BURBANK: Protein.
FARSAD: Wrong. Hairnets.
BURBANK: Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: A source of protein.
FARSAD: According to sources, the University of Michigan is planning to offer football coach blank a $55 million contract extension.
BURBANK: Jim Harbaugh.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: On Wednesday, blank was announced as Time's Person of the Year.
BURBANK: Taylor Swift.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: This week, a couple in D.C. had their phones stolen...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
FARSAD: ...But got them back a minute later when the thief blanked.
BURBANK: Called them.
FARSAD: When the thief realized they were Android phones and returned them.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
BURBANK: Oh, man.
FARSAD: The robber kept their wallets and car keys but gave back the Androids. Even worse, when the couple called 911 to report the crime, the operator said, ew, call back on an iPhone or, like, don't even bother.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Oh, my gosh. Why is this text a different color?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Bill, how did Luke do?
KURTIS: Let me check my numbers.
POUNDSTONE: That was unbelievable.
KURTIS: Six right for Luke.
POUNDSTONE: Whoa.
CORDERO: Wow.
KURTIS: Twelve more points. Fourteen puts him in the lead.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: All right, Bill. How many does Eugene need to win?
KURTIS: Five to tie, six to win.
CORDERO: Whoa.
FARSAD: All right, Eugene, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. This week, the U.N. secretary-general called for world leaders to demand an immediate cease-fire in blank.
CORDERO: In Gaza.
FARSAD: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: On Wednesday, former U.K. Prime Minister Blank apologized for his actions during the pandemic.
CORDERO: God, what's his name?
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: Boris British.
FARSAD: Yes, I'll give it to you.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Boris Johnson.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CORDERO: Yeah.
FARSAD: This week, a woman in Michigan was arrested for shoplifting from a Walmart during their blank event.
CORDERO: Black Friday event.
FARSAD: During their Shop With a Cop event.
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: That's not a real thing that they do at Walmart.
FARSAD: That is a real thing. According to a new report from leading economists, despite high interest rates, a blank is unlikely.
CORDERO: Oh, my God.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: It's like a...
CORDERO: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's where there's no money anymore and everything.
(LAUGHTER)
CORDERO: I don't know the words.
FARSAD: I'm going to give it to you. It's a recession.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
CORDERO: Sure.
FARSAD: This week, police in Australia...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
FARSAD: ...Are asking for help locating a woman who stole a van filled with blank.
CORDERO: Weed.
FARSAD: No, 10,000 Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
CORDERO: In Australia?
KURTIS: They love them.
FARSAD: Police say the woman didn't even know the van she was stealing from the 7-Eleven parking lot was filled with 10,000 doughnuts, but she definitely does now. Bill, this feels unlikely, but did Eugene do well enough to win?
CORDERO: No.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: He got three right.
CORDERO: I'll tell you something right now. I barely knew my own name halfway through there.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: He got six more right. And you got a total of 10, which means...
CORDERO: Oh, right.
KURTIS: ...We crown Luke Burbank the champion.
FARSAD: Oh, Luke Burbank.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: Congratulations, buddy.
Now, panel, what will be the word of the year next year? Eugene.
CORDERO: Borrow because that's what these Gen Zers are going to ask their parents every time they're trying to get a job from making up all these weird words.
FARSAD: Paula Poundstone.
POUNDSTONE: The word of the year will be, oh, God, oh, no, oh, God, oh, no. But it'll be one word.
FARSAD: Luke Burbank.
BURBANK: The word of the year will be sorry as in, sorry we picked that word last year. That was terrible.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: And if any of that happens, we're going to ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
FARSAD: Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thanks also to Eugene Cordero, Luke Burbank and Paula Poundstone.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: And thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Negin Farsad, filling in for Peter Sagal. And we'll see you next week.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
FARSAD: This is NPR.
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