'Wait Wait' for April 13, 2024: Live from Pittsburgh with Bill Cowher!
JENNIFER MILLS, BYLINE: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real, live people.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, The NPR news quiz. City of steel, meet voice of gold.
(CHEERING)
KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis, and here is your host at the Benedum Center, a venue of the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust in Pittsburgh, Penn., Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Pittsburgh. We're just as excited. We have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be playing Not My Job with the legendary Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher. He is now a regular on "The NFL Today" on CBS, where, somewhat surprisingly, all the other analysts predicted he would lose by six points to the Browns today, and they're not even here. But first, we want to see if you can beat the spread. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
ELIZABETH: Hi. This is Elizabeth (ph) from Waterbury, Conn.
SAGAL: Oh, I know Waterbury. What do you do there?
ELIZABETH: I am a Salesforce administrator for a nonprofit.
SAGAL: OK, that sounds - I'm just going to say exciting. I'm going to say that's an exciting job. I know...
ELIZABETH: Basically, if I do my job, no one else has to worry about doing their job, so...
SAGAL: Wow. I feel - you and...
ELIZABETH: Yeah.
SAGAL: You and me both, sister, you know?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, Elizabeth, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian and writer you can follow on Instagram @maeveinamerica. It's Maeve Higgins.
MAEVE HIGGINS: Hi.
(CHEERING)
ELIZABETH: Hello.
SAGAL: Next, he's the host of the "Mobituaries" podcast and author of "Roctogenarians: Late In Life Debuts, Comebacks, And Triumphs," on presale now. It's Mo Rocca.
(CHEERING)
MO ROCCA: Hi, Liz. What's up?
ELIZABETH: Hello.
SAGAL: And she's a comedian and the host of the podcast "Fake The Nation." She'll be announcing her summer dates soon on neginfarsad.com. That's right. It's Negin Farsad.
(CHEERING)
NEGIN FARSAD: Hi.
ELIZABETH: Hello.
SAGAL: So, Elizabeth, welcome to our show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to start us off with three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, just two, you will win our prize, any voice from the show you might choose. You ready to go?
ELIZABETH: I'm so ready. Let's go.
SAGAL: All right. That's the attitude. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: Tired of not hitting your weight goals, big guy?
SAGAL: Now, that was marketing from a company called Fella Health. And they are among the first to market what popular weight loss drug directly to men?
ELIZABETH: Ozempic.
SAGAL: Ozempic, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Ozempic for men.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Hey, men, are you tired of just punching the weight off of your face?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Try Ozempic, or as these marketers are really calling it, Brozempic (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Ozempic, of course, has primarily been taken by women so far, so Fella Health and other companies are trying to convince men not to think of it as girly. Quote, "we're a mechanic. You're bringing in a car that needs to get fixed," said the CEO of Fella Health, a talking rack of barbecued ribs.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: They should do, like, an Ozempic Viagra combo thing...
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Where you get...
FARSAD: Right? - because Viagra's already figured out. It's popular.
HIGGINS: But you don't want a skinny little...
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Yeah.
HIGGINS: Is that what - that's not what you meant.
ROCCA: Right. That's...
HIGGINS: I like big, fat guys and big, fat girls.
(CHEERING)
ROCCA: You like them...
KURTIS: Really?
ROCCA: You like big fat guys with big fat girls?
FARSAD: You...
HIGGINS: No, I like just big, fat people.
SAGAL: Right.
FARSAD: You don't want to be, like, meet my boyfriend. He's wasting away.
HIGGINS: Oh, yeah. You have him up on your shoulders. Come on, sweetie.
FARSAD: Yeah, yeah.
HIGGINS: Come on.
FARSAD: I'll carry your - you, bag of bones, today.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Yeah. I only date guys whose legs can, like, cross over at the knee and at the ankle.
FARSAD: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SAGAL: But the thing...
FARSAD: If I can't count the ribs, I'm not interested.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, Elizabeth, here is your next quote.
KURTIS: Brace yourselves. A huge number of them are going to live, make sweet love, and die in a tree near you.
SAGAL: That was Wired magazine warning us about the imminent appearance of trillions of what?
ELIZABETH: The cicadas?
SAGAL: Cicadas, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: They are coming.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: They're already here. It is the convergence of a 17-year cicada brood and a 13-year brood. They'll be emerging at the same time, something that has not happened since 1803. Imagine how thrilled all the cicadas will be to find out the laws in Arizona haven't changed at all.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: And these two broods, these two broods hate each other.
SAGAL: Oh, it's going to be...
FARSAD: Oh.
ROCCA: They're like the Montagues and the Capulets of cicadas.
FARSAD: (Vocalizing) but, like, in cicada sound.
SAGAL: Yes, exactly.
FARSAD: Yeah.
ROCCA: (Vocalizing).
FARSAD: I - that's why I like the - hot cicada summer has been trending...
SAGAL: Oh, yeah.
FARSAD: ...All over TikTok.
SAGAL: Exactly. It is perhaps the sexiest summer, right?
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Because, as you heard Bill say, that's why they come out of the ground. They haven't seen each other...
ROCCA: Oh, my God.
SAGAL: ...In, like, 17 or 13 years. They're, like, all hanging out. Oh, hey, you. Hey. How are you? Hey, are - it's been so long. Are you still screaming for sex?
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: And is there anything good about them? Like, is it...
FARSAD: I like the sound.
ROCCA: They're crunchy.
HIGGINS: Crunchy.
FARSAD: You don't like the sound?
SAGAL: It turns out - well, there's nothing particularly good for us. They're generally harmless, but it is an unlimited, all-you-can-eat bug buffet for birds.
HIGGINS: Oh.
SAGAL: They love it. One entomologist said, quote, "it's like if you walked outside and found the whole world swarming with flying Hershey's Kisses."
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Oh, my God.
SAGAL: But here's the irony. All the birds just started on Ozempic.
ROCCA: I was going to say.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: But you know what, Peter? Cicadas apparently tastes like shrimp.
HIGGINS: Oh.
ROCCA: Oh.
FARSAD: Ooh.
HIGGINS: Especially the garlic lemon cicadas.
SAGAL: Yes.
FARSAD: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: OK, Elizabeth, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: Why do they need all that money?
SAGAL: That was The New York Times talking about Vanderbilt University in Nashville becoming the first institution to charge $100,000 a year for what?
ELIZABETH: Tuition.
SAGAL: Tuition, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It's done. The barrier has been breached. Next year, your child could become the first ever college student who sleep through $100,000 worth of classes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Vanderbilt - now, they - you might be wondering, why Vanderbilt? Well, they can do this because since Taylor Swift lives in Nashville, the average household income there is $100 million.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Well, basically, the only people that are going to be able to afford Vanderbilt are Vanderbilts...
SAGAL: Right. Exactly.
ROCCA: ...At this point.
SAGAL: Yes.
HIGGINS: And is that for a specific class? Like, is that to become money itself or something? Like, how do you...
SAGAL: You actually become money.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
ROCCA: You become a railroad baron.
SAGAL: Yes, in the classic...
HIGGINS: But, like, can you study anything, and it will be a bit cheaper? Do you know what I mean?
SAGAL: I love the ideas, like, you - it's like, oh, I got to pick a major.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
SAGAL: What's on a discount?
HIGGINS: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, we got pottery. That's on sale, you know.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: I know you thought that, like, the caviar at the student union was too much.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
FARSAD: But it's so delicious, guys.
SAGAL: I mean, I am all for a liberal arts education. I have one myself. I appreciate it. But with $100,000 tuition, you better be majoring in, like, oil profiteering.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: But isn't it the case now that, like, you can get your student loans forgiven if you make it to, like, 98 years old, and you've worked as a...
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: ...As a social worker for 78 of those years?
SAGAL: That - those are, in fact, the conditions.
HIGGINS: Yeah. It's such a great deal.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: But are we, like - do we sound like these people that are like, (impersonating older voice) in my day, it only cost $80,000 to go to school.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
FARSAD: You know what I mean?
HIGGINS: But I don't want to be that guy who's like, in my country, you don't have to pay at all.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: It'd be a riot.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Don't be that guy. Don't be that guy, Maeve.
HIGGINS: I'm that guy. Sorry. You're all welcome.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Bill, Bill, how did Elizabeth do on our quiz?
KURTIS: She made it to the final three. She is perfect.
HIGGINS: Yay.
SAGAL: Congratulations.
FARSAD: Yay.
SAGAL: Yay, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH: Thank you.
SAGAL: Good luck carrying everybody else on your shoulders, Elizabeth. Thank you so much. Take care.
ELIZABETH: Thanks so much, everybody.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: Right now, panel, put on your dark glasses, because it is time for a new game we're calling...
KURTIS: Don't Stare Directly at This Quiz.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So Monday's total solar eclipse generated a lot of news. We're going to ask you about some of it rapid-fire, true/false-style. Get yours right, you win a point. Here we go. Maeve, true or false? The day after the eclipse, Google reported a massive spike in the search, is there another eclipse this week?
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Oh, I think that's probably false.
SAGAL: That is false.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The day after, they reported a massive spike in the search, why do my eyes hurt?
HIGGINS: Oh, no.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Mo, true or false? Doctors found that the cause of some patients' blurry vision and ocular pain was the sunscreen they had put on their eyes.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Oh, please, Lord, let this be true.
SAGAL: It is.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
HIGGINS: You're not supposed to put sunscreen in your eyes.
SAGAL: You're not, Maeve, no, no. Negin, true or false? A farmer in Arkansas made tiny glasses for his chickens to wear during the eclipse.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Oh, true.
SAGAL: Absolutely true.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The farmer also...
FARSAD: Yes, of course.
SAGAL: ...Also made glasses for his cows, but, quote, "the cows refused to wear them."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Cows have dignity. Maeve, true or false? A TV station in Mexico has apologized after airing an image of a lunar eclipse and saying it was the solar eclipse.
HIGGINS: Aww, false.
SAGAL: It is false.
HIGGINS: They shouldn't apologize.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It is false. They are apologizing after airing an image of a man's testicles and saying it was the solar eclipse.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: It happens to the best of us.
SAGAL: It really does. Mo, true or false?
ROCCA: Oh, that sounds like a side effect of Brozempic or something.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Mo, true or false? The residents of a town in the path of the totality in Michigan urged their mayor to close all the roads to keep out tourists.
ROCCA: True.
SAGAL: No, false. They urged the mayor to, quote, "stop the eclipse."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: He responded, quote, "I do not have the authority to do that."
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: It's federal.
SAGAL: And that was this edition of Don't Stare Directly at This Quiz. We will be back with a new edition in 2044.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT")
KING HARVEST: (Singing) It's such a fine and natural sight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.
SAGAL: Coming up, the secret to a star's success. It's our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME! from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Negin Farsad, Maeve Higgins and Mo Rocca. And here again is your host at the Benedum Center in Pittsburgh, Penn., Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Thank you. Right now, it's time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air, or check out the pinned post on our Instagram page, @waitwaitnpr. Hi. You are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
KAREN PRIDE: Hello, this is Karen Pride (ph). I'm calling from Portland, Maine.
SAGAL: Well, Portland, we love. We were just there not long ago. What do you do there in that beautiful place?
PRIDE: I am a jeweler. I can get just about anybody out of any fix, and I can get it there on time.
ROCCA: Oh, my gosh.
SAGAL: That is a bold promise, my friend.
ROCCA: She sounds like a jewel thief.
HIGGINS: I know.
FARSAD: Yes.
SAGAL: All right. So since that's how you pitched your services, what kind of trouble are you getting people out of with your products?
PRIDE: We have had animals eat rings off of veterinarians' fingers.
FARSAD: Oh, yeah.
ROCCA: Oh.
PRIDE: And...
FARSAD: Yeah.
HIGGINS: Wait.
FARSAD: Got it.
HIGGINS: Why would a veterinarian...
ROCCA: Yeah, wear...
HIGGINS: ...Propose to a sick animal?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: They're caring, Maeve. They're caring. Well, Karen, welcome to the show. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Karen's topic?
KURTIS: Secrets of the rich and famous.
SAGAL: All very successful people have a secret. And yes, 99% of the time, it's just that they're a nepo baby, but sometimes...
FARSAD: (Laughter).
SAGAL: ...It's actually cool. This week, we learned an untold story of a great talent who had a secret. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You will win the WAIT WAITer of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play?
PRIDE: Ready.
SAGAL: All right. First, let's hear from Negin Farsad.
FARSAD: Neil deGrasse Tyson is known for being the chatty astrophysicist who uses the power of science to prove why movies are wrong. But when he started out, he spent a lot of time alone in front of a telescope, tracking comets, measuring radial velocity, and endlessly judging Pluto. But while his mind expanded, his bottom flattened.
Enter Irish Riverdance. According to legend, Irish step dancing originated so the Irish could dance behind hedges without the British noticing...
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: ...Which seems both like a stereotype and a fact that Tyson would debunk.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: But soon enough, he transformed into some kind of astronomy duck, calm and collected on the top and wildly moving on the bottoms.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Rumor has it he once tried to get Carl Sagan to join in on the lower body dance fun, but Sagan reportedly said, no, dude, people already think we're weird from being obsessed with space.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Neil deGrasse Tyson takes inspiration from Riverdance and Irish dancing to keep fit while keeping his head very still. Your next tale of a talent comes from Mo Rocca.
ROCCA: It's not over till the fat lady sings? More like it's not happening until Pavarotti puts away the puttanesca. According to Peter Gelb, general manager of New York's Metropolitan Opera, the late, great tenor Luciano Pavarotti mandated in his rider that heaping plates of pasta be waiting just offstage for him to wolf down between scenes. Pavarotti actually sang better after going on a diet in the mid-'70s, but the cravings won out. Nope, no Ozempic for this Otello.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Instead, some bucatini for his "Boheme." That's right. While Mimi was on stage dying from consumption, Pavarotti's Rodolfo was just offstage living for consumption of carbonara. It's all for the best. Had the pasta not been there, there was a more than decent chance Pavarotti would have scarfed down a soprano.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Some manicotti with his Maria Callas, some rigatoni with his Renata Tebaldi.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: The great tenor Luciano Pavarotti kept up his energy during those lengthy operas by running offstage and eating specially hidden caches of pasta. Your last story of a star has a secret comes from Maeve Higgins.
HIGGINS: Hollywood was rocked this week by revelations that one of their biggest and shortest stars had been keeping a secret for decades. The star? Al Pacino. The secret? - a gorgeous blonde named Miss Gigi (ph). You guessed it. All this time, Al Pacino has been getting voice lessons from a golden retriever.
The actor, famed for his barking style of speech, spoke about his relationship with the dog after the canine correspondent from The Hollywood Reporter found several receipts for throat lozenges and Milk-Bones in Mr. Pacino's trash. In a short statement, yelled across the courtroom for no real reason, Mr. Pacino said, (impersonating Al Pacino) I met Miss Gigi on the set of "Scent Of A Woman," back when she was tracing the scents of various different women. And I discovered, along with her great nose, she has this wonderful voice on her.
So now we know, when Al Pacino uttered the immortal line, say hello to my little friend, he really meant man's best friend, a dog.
(APPLAUSE)
FARSAD: Feels so real.
SAGAL: So, Karen...
(APPLAUSE)\
SAGAL: ...Here are your choices.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: From Negin Farsad, astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson, who used the techniques of Riverdance Irish dancing to do his dancing while looking through telescopes - from Mo Rocca - Luciano Pavarotti kept his strength up during those arduous operas by running offstage and eating the contractually stipulated plates of pasta that were there. Or from Maeve Higgins - Al Pacino's vocal coach is, in fact, a golden retriever.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So which of these is the story of a star's secret helper?
PRIDE: I just love the idea of people in the front row of the opera saying, do you smell garlic? I...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, you have chosen Mo's story of Luciano Pavarotti eating pasta during performances. Well, we spoke to somebody who actually reported on this secret.
OLI COLEMAN: Marathon runners eat pasta, don't they? And, you know, an opera is somewhat the equivalent of a musical marathon, isn't it?
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Yeah, that was Oli Coleman. He is the deputy editor of Page Six in the New York Post because who else would have been drawn to this story? He was actually defending the eating of pasta during operas. Congratulations, Karen. You got it right. You earned a point for Mo...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ...For all his pasta alliteration. And you have earned our prize, the voice of any one of us you might choose for your voicemail. Congratulations.
PRIDE: So much.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "LITTLE SECRETS")
PASSION PIT: (Singing) Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher and higher...
SAGAL: And now the game we call Not My Job. Our guest today needs no introduction in his hometown of Pittsburgh. Everybody comes up to him and thanks him for his 15 years coaching the hometown team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, leading them to their first Super Bowl win in decades, which may be why he had to move to New York. Coach Bill Cowher, welcome back to Pittsburgh, and welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
(APPLAUSE)
BILL COWHER: Thank you.
SAGAL: So I want to establish something first, that I wasn't kidding about that, that after you became the hometown hero who took over the team, brought them back to the Super Bowl and won it, it kind of got hard for you to wander around town. Is that right?
COWHER: Yeah. I mean, it was - yeah. I mean, kind of. So, you know, what I said when I came back here was if I can just make three years, I can go back to my 20th high school class reunion as a head coach for my hometown team. And ironically enough, that third year, we lost in the championship game to the San Diego Chargers. And we had the reunion, and it was on a boat on the side, the Gateway Clipper. And I just thought, OK. My wife says, you know, we're not going back there. She goes, we're not going back there 'cause you're going to sit there and just be with all your buddies. And then I go, no, no, no, we'll just stop in and we'll say hi.
SAGAL: Right.
COWHER: Right. So we got on the boat, and we started talking, and then the boat took off.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So just to set the scene...
COWHER: So this was like a three-hour cruise. I'm like, oh, man.
SAGAL: You are stuck on a boat with your high school classmates.
COWHER: And my wife was getting madder and madder as the night's going on. And then the guys were getting drunker and drunker and telling me all the things I did wrong in the San Diego Charger game.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: Then they all asked me why, oh, you think you're too good for us to get us tickets? So everyone wanted tickets, like, oh, now you can't talk to us anymore, and so I got off the boat, my wife wasn't talking to me, I'd made half the people there mad, and it kind of just put the tipping on that year because we lost the championship game to a team we should have beat. So it was kind of like that was kind of my career.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I love the fact that you were yourself a professional football player, you were fearless in the field, but you couldn't handle the Steelers fans in your face.
COWHER: No.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: Yeah, I was one of them at one point. I know what they're about.
SAGAL: Oh, yeah. They're the worst. Now, you became a coach at a young age, so that means you had to learn quickly what I assume are the essential skills of coaching, which include doing these interviews on the field sometimes, and after the game, in which you managed to say nothing.
COWHER: Right.
SAGAL: And so is there a secret to that?
COWHER: Yes. Just ask me a question. I know what I want to say, and your question is irrelevant.
SAGAL: Right. All right. Well, we'll try it. I'm going to ask you.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: 'Cause I want to control the narrative.
SAGAL: All right. OK. So we're going to test you, because I'm going to ask you a tough question now in front of this crowd.
COWHER: OK. great.
SAGAL: You're going to show me how it's done.
COWHER: All right.
SAGAL: So I understand you have lived many years now in New York City.
COWHER: Yeah.
SAGAL: Is New York better than Pittsburgh?
HIGGINS: Ooh.
COWHER: You know, one of the greatest things about New York City is the diversity. One of the greatest things about living in Pittsburgh is the upbringing. And when you combine the two of them, you recognize that your core values that you've learned came from the city of Pittsburgh, but yet it was able to allow you to sit there and go to this great city of diversity in New York City with multitudes of people. But it's that grounding that you had in Pittsburgh that allows you to survive.
(APPLAUSE)
ROCCA: How are you not in politics?
COWHER: So what's your takeaway?
SAGAL: That - that was amazing.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
ROCCA: Can I try a question?
SAGAL: Yes.
ROCCA: Coach Cowher, you have one of history's great jaws. Is it true that you once opened a can of tuna fish with your jaw?
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: No, but if you ask me one more question, I can open up your head.
SAGAL: Hey.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: (Laughing) I'm good. No, we're good. I know. I used to show my emotion a lot.
SAGAL: Well, you did, actually.
COWHER: I didn't think about - I never - I was very passionate about our job. And I wanted our team to be passionate about our job.
SAGAL: Yeah.
COWHER: So sometimes I had to be the calm in the storm. And sometimes I had to be the storm.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: So that was my attempt.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Actually, this is relevant because we're about to ask you to play a game. And I saw a film about you in which you said that one of the things you had learned as a player, and then as a coach, was that some players need to be encouraged.
COWHER: Yes.
SAGAL: And some players need to be yelled at.
COWHER: Yes.
SAGAL: It depends what motivates them.
COWHER: Right.
SAGAL: What kind are you?
COWHER: Yelled at.
SAGAL: You get yelled at?
COWHER: I guess I was raised that way.
SAGAL: OK.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: I mean, not that - it was warranted. But you grow up in Pittsburgh, sometimes you don't sugarcoat things.
SAGAL: Right.
COWHER: You know, we just kind of tell it the way it is.
ROCCA: Has anyone ever even yelled on NPR?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Having watched a lot of film of the coach last week, not like he does. So all right.
COWHER: All right.
SAGAL: Terry Gross, freshen that air.
HIGGINS: You didn't even consider all things.
ROCCA: Morning edition, my ass.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: That's it. Now you're starting to sound like a Pittsburgher.
SAGAL: There you go.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: I like this.
SAGAL: Well, coach Cowher, we are delighted to talk to you. And we've invited you here to play a game that we like to play. And this time, we are calling it...
KURTIS: Bill Cowher, Meet These Cowards.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. So you clearly have some guts, as you have shown. So we are going to ask you, Bill Cowher, three questions about people who chickened out.
COWHER: Oh.
SAGAL: Get two right, you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might choose for their voicemail. Bill, who is coach Cowher playing for?
KURTIS: Josh Smith (ph) of Pittsburgh, Pa.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: He's out there. Ready to go?
COWHER: Yeah.
SAGAL: Here's your first question. Robert Ford, or, as he is known to history, the coward Robert Ford, famously shot Jesse James in the back. He was so widely condemned for that act that he spent the next few years doing what? A, finding anyone with the last name James and apologizing to them in case it was a relative, B, touring the country with his brother, reenacting the murder live on stage, or C, allowing people, for a 5 cent fee, to shoot him in the back with a BB gun.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: What?
HIGGINS: It's hard, isn't it?
SAGAL: It is.
COWHER: What was No. 2?
SAGAL: No. 2 was he toured the country with his brother, reenacting his murder of Jesse James live on stage.
COWHER: No. 2.
SAGAL: You're going to go with No. 2. You're going to run with the second choice. That is correct. That's what he did.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: They didn't have a lot of options for entertainment back then before pro football. All right. Next question. The producer William Castle made horror movies back in the '50s and '60s, and among his many marketing gimmicks, he once offered customers refunds if his movie was too terrifying for them. So many people took advantage of the deal that Castle finally did what? A, he required people present a genuine pair of wetted pants to prove how scared they were, B, make them go to his, quote, "refund office" to get it, which he put on the top of a greased hundred-foot pole, or C, forced anyone who asked for that refund to go sit in the Coward's Corner, where a recorded voice would yell, watch the chicken, watch him shiver in Coward's Corner.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: That's so weird.
COWHER: I'd say C.
SAGAL: That's right, coach.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: And not only that...
COWHER: It's a Cowher's Corner?
SAGAL: No, Coward's Corner.
COWHER: Oh.
SAGAL: You can have Cowher's Corner on the show, if you want. But no, not only did he do that, but in order to get to Coward's Corner, you had to walk down a path with the sign Cowards Keep Walking. And they had a, quote, "nurse" to take your blood pressure.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Last question. You can go for perfect and win it all. Napoleon Bonaparte, French emperor, was not known for cowardice, but he did run away once from what? A, a group of school children making fun of him for putting his hand in his jacket like that all the time, B, a horde of a thousand hungry rabbits, or C, a bunch of taller officers who liked to rest their drinks on his head.
(LAUGHTER)
COWHER: A.
SAGAL: You're going to go for A? All right. Let me try your style of coaching here. A? You think the answer is A?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Peter's trying really hard to get you to think it's not A. I'll tell you what.
COWHER: OK, B.
SAGAL: B. It's B.
FARSAD: Yay.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Yes, a thousand hungry rabbits.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So for relaxation one day, the emperor went out and was supposed to be at one of these arranged hunts for aristocrats where they would release the rabbits. But the rabbits, who were domestic, thought they were going to get fed, so they rushed the party of hunters. And Napoleon and his retinue all ran away.
HIGGINS: Aww.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Coach Cowher do on our quiz?
KURTIS: It's what the Chargers score should have been - three right for a win.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill Cowher is the Super Bowl-winning former coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Bill Cowher, thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME. Give it up for the coach.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "RUN TO THE HILLS")
IRON MAIDEN: (Singing) Run to the hills. Run for your life.
SAGAL: In just a minute, a place it's definitely not safe to get back in the water in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Mo Rocca, Negin Farsad and Maeve Higgins. And here again is your host at the Benedum Center in Pittsburgh, Pa., Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: In just a minute, it's our Super Bowl, the Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, it's a little easier than the real one, but it still counts. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Mo, experts are now saying that no matter how much affection you feel for the birds you see, you should no longer do what to them?
ROCCA: Kiss them.
SAGAL: Exactly right, Mo.
KURTIS: Yes.
SAGAL: In fact, you got that so quickly, I'm a little suspicious.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Because, I mean, it's hard not to feel like you're in a cartoon when a bird flies near you, and in the cartoons, you kiss birds, don't you?
SAGAL: What cartoons have you been watching?
FARSAD: What cartoons are you watching?
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Snow White?
ROCCA: Snow White. I feel like Cinderella and Snow White have both made out with birds.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Made out? OK.
SAGAL: What versions have you been watching?
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: The advice is do not kiss birds, specifically do not kiss sick birds. We get it. Birds are helpless. They're fluffy and sexy as hell. But just don't do it. Apparently, many people like Mo are doing it, because this is the real headline on this story from The New York Times. Quote, "Seriously, Now Is The Time To Stop Kissing Sick Birds."
ROCCA: But hold on a second. I find it rude and cold, if you meet a lovebird, to extend your hand. It's just weird.
SAGAL: And the birds are like, what happened to us?
ROCCA: It's a lovebird.
FARSAD: But also, like, in your situation, you're making out with them, and they're like...
ROCCA: Well, that's what happened when I met Big Bird.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: And he demanded it.
FARSAD: Right.
SAGAL: What's uncomfortable is all the people who, when told they should not kiss the birds, are kind of, like, upset and ask for exceptions. Like, you know, OK, fine, no kissing. But over-the-feathers stuff is still OK, right?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: You can go through the bases with a bird real quick. They're small.
SAGAL: That's true.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Especially those city pigeons.
ROCCA: A pocket bird, more or less.
SAGAL: Mo, I have one more question for you. Mo, this week, a German art museum fired an employee after they discovered that he had done what?
ROCCA: That he had licked all the paintings.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: No. What is a clue?
HIGGINS: Liechtenstein.
SAGAL: What's that? What is a clue?
ROCCA: Oh, no. I mean, can you give me a clue?
SAGAL: Oh, OK, fine. I was going to define it. I thought you knew after all these years.
ROCCA: It's existential crisis.
FARSAD: What is a clue?
SAGAL: You would like a clue. Here's one. Well, OK, here's a clue. You know, there's nothing like confidence for an artist.
ROCCA: Oh, he was putting up his own painting.
SAGAL: Yes, he did.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: He put his up his own art in the museum without asking permission. In hopes of, quote, "achieving his artistic breakthrough," the employee drilled two holes in the museum gallery's wall in order to hang his own work. He was immediately fired for the stunt. But we should just be grateful he did not work at a natural history museum. Don't tell anyone I brought in some bones from home.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Was it any good, the art?
SAGAL: That is a good question, and frustratingly, none of the articles we could find about this said so. I would have loved - I mean, 'cause wouldn't it be great if, like, he turns out to be the next great artist, and that's how he was discovered?
FARSAD: Yeah, 'cause that's like the "Good Will Hunting" moment where, like, Matt Damon's, like, doing the calculus problem or whatever. And that guy was like - yeah, turns out he could do calculus.
ROCCA: He's Van Bro.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: But, you know, that's movies. This is the real world. It was probably just cats with really big eyes.
HIGGINS: Beautiful.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can see us most weeks back at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago. And you can come see our panelists on the WAIT WAIT Stand Up Tour. Shows are coming to Syracuse, Baltimore and Hershey, Pa., between the 26 of April and the 28. Information and tickets are over at nprpresents.org. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
NASH: Hi. This is Nash (ph) calling from Raleigh, N.C.
SAGAL: Hey, Nash. How are you?
NASH: I'm doing great. How about you, Peter?
SAGAL: I'm doing very well. I'm in Pittsburgh. What do you do there in Raleigh?
NASH: I'm a transactional attorney.
SAGAL: OK.
NASH: Oh, no.
SAGAL: Every attorney I've ever met is transactional. I have found, much to my frustration, that I have to give them money to get them to do stuff. But what do you mean by that?
NASH: I don't litigate. I'm just a contract attorney. Yeah. I do real estate and things like that.
SAGAL: Right. So you sit there, and you help draw up the contract. You sit and explain to people like me what these pieces of paper are that we're signing.
NASH: Yes.
SAGAL: Right. And I'm assuming you're constantly lying about that because I have no way of knowing.
NASH: I've never, never done that ever.
SAGAL: Never ever. Well, Nash, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Ready to play?
NASH: Ready.
SAGAL: Here is your first Limerick.
KURTIS: There is a calm here. You cannot deny it. A cafe where a sneeze causes riot. There's no music or talking. You try it. You're walking. Our cafe here has strict peace and...
NASH: Quiet.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: A new cafe in Osaka, Japan. You know, cafes in Japan, they have animals, all kinds of different gimmicks. Well, this gimmick is complete silence. No music playing. Talking is completely discouraged. It's just you, your tea and more loud chewing noises than a cicada emergence.
HIGGINS: So it's like the quiet car on the train except not moving.
SAGAL: Yes.
HIGGINS: I love that.
SAGAL: You do?
HIGGINS: Yeah, I think so, because you're not even allowed to have a conversation.
SAGAL: Not at all.
HIGGINS: Even, like, with somebody. So, like, if you sensed - and I'm not saying this happened - that somebody wanted to break up with you and said, let's meet up. We need to talk. I say, great. I'll meet you just in Osaka. We'll go in there. And then he wouldn't be able to do it, would he? Would you, Henry?
SAGAL: All right.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: In this scenario, you've flown to Osaka. You've gone into that cafe. You've met up with this guy.
HIGGINS: Yeah. He's trying to break up with me.
FARSAD: His name is Henry.
SAGAL: And so you're in the cafe. But then what do you do? Because as soon as you leave...
HIGGINS: And then he says, you know, I think you're a great person. And we all say, shh. Shh.
SAGAL: And you just stay there forever.
HIGGINS: Yes. We don't move. Maybe I get on one knee and I take out a ring. I do the first silent proposal.
FARSAD: Oh, like a mime proposal.
HIGGINS: Mime proposal.
FARSAD: Yeah. Well, there's no - there's nothing that gets mined at this cafe, right?
HIGGINS: Our engagement.
SAGAL: I'll have to get back to them and let you know. All right. Here, Nash, is your next limerick.
KURTIS: Though some lexicographers devil, our word game is meant for the rebel. So let's stop flipping boards. Don't throw tiles on the floor. Please collaborate when you play...
NASH: Scrabble.
SAGAL: Scrabble, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Mattel has announced Scrabble Together, a new version of the classic game Scrabble, intended to be less competitive and less intimidating. The idea is, instead of competing with each other to gain points by making words, you do it together. You achieve mutual goals like - and this was a real one - play a horizontal word. So you can either play this version, get big points with your whole family, group of friends for doing that, or just play regular Scrabble, seize all the glory for yourself in just one move.
FARSAD: Or you you play together Scrabble, and I partner with my daughter, who can't read. And it's still clear that I have all the glory.
SAGAL: That's true.
HIGGINS: But, Negin, your daughter's 17 now.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: And I've kept her illiterate for a reason, Maeve.
SAGAL: Negin really enjoys winning at Scrabble. That's all we need to say.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
SAGAL: All right, Nash, here is your last Limerick.
KURTIS: For us athletes, the Seine looks trey grim because with filth it is filled to the brim. All the cleanup has failed. Even fish have turned tail. In these waters, we won't want to...
NASH: Swim.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Swimming in the river Seine in Paris has been banned for a hundred years for health reasons. Think about that. It was so filthy, they knew it was dangerous in the early 1920s. But France has promised to clean it up in time for the Olympics this summer, so they - long distance swimmers can swim in it. That will be difficult because recent tests show it is still swarming with E. coli. In fact, it's so thick with bacteria, they might be able to run the marathon on top of it.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: It sounds very unsanitary.
FARSAD: I think they should like, switch it up totally.
SAGAL: Yes.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
FARSAD: Drain the Seine, fill it up with a baguette and have it just be a different type of game.
HIGGINS: I think that's probably more realistic than trying to clean it.
FARSAD: Well, that's what I'm saying.
SAGAL: Yeah.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Nash do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Nash, here's the transaction. You get three wins for a perfect score. Do you accept?
SAGAL: Congratulations, Nash.
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Nash, thank you so much for playing.
NASH: Thank you so much.
SAGAL: Take care, sir.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DIRTY WATER")
THE INMATES: I'm going to tell you a story. I'm going to tell you about my town.
SAGAL: It's time for our final game, Lightning Fill In The Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can, each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?
KURTIS: Negin has three. Mo and Maeve each have four.
SAGAL: Oh, my goodness.
FARSAD: What?
SAGAL: I'm not even sure how that happened, but...
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Negin...
FARSAD: OK.
SAGAL: ...You are in second place.
FARSAD: Great.
SAGAL: So you're going to start us off. Here we go. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. Despite multiple attempts to delay it, a judge ruled that blank's hush money trial will begin next week.
FARSAD: Trump.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Thursday, President Biden held the first-ever summit between the U.S., the Philippines and blank.
FARSAD: Japan.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, accused murderer and football star blank died at the age of 76.
FARSAD: O.J. Simpson.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Tuesday, the White House finalized a new national standard to limit so-called blank chemicals in drinking water.
FARSAD: E. colis (ph).
SAGAL: No. They're called forever chemicals. This week, three men were rescued from a desert island after they blanked.
FARSAD: After they did a bunch of ecstasy.
SAGAL: No.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: After they used palm leaves to spell out help in the sand.
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: According to the Wall Street Journal, a number of companies are now vying to make taking blank cool and sexy.
FARSAD: Taking - getting fired.
SAGAL: No. They're now vying to make taking fiber supplements cool and sexy. Fiber One - you've all heard of it. You know who takes that. But are you familiar with BelliWelli, whose slogan - this is true - is hot girls have IBS? The race to create hip, sexy fiber supplements is on. This is why you're soon going to see the catchphrase Metamucil - we're into butt stuff.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Oh my goodness, Peter.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Negin do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Three right, total of nine. She's in the lead.
SAGAL: All right. Maeve, you're up next. Fill in the blank. This week, another system of dangerous blanks passed through the Southeast.
HIGGINS: Another - oh, earthquakes.
SAGAL: No, storms. On Monday, Norfolk Southern agreed to pay $600 million to settle lawsuits over the 2023 blank in East Palestine, Ohio.
HIGGINS: The train.
SAGAL: The train derailment, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, a woman...
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Very good. This week, a woman received a $105 speeding ticket in the mail, even though in the photo, her car was blank.
HIGGINS: She's asleep in the car.
SAGAL: No, her car was on the back of a tow truck.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: On Monday, blank beat Purdue to win their second consecutive NCAA title.
HIGGINS: Chicken.
SAGAL: Chicken - no.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: UConn, the University of Connecticut. This week...
HIGGINS: Oh, for God's sake.
SAGAL: ...A mother and daughter in Texas were arrested for blanking without a permit.
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
HIGGINS: Oh, kissing.
FARSAD: Oh, my God.
SAGAL: Not kissing. Oh, my God, no.
FARSAD: Maeve.
SAGAL: No. They were arrested for providing people with butt injections without a permit.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Oh, never do that. Take it from me, fellas (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: According to police, the two women had injected tons of people's butts with a, quote, "unlabeled brown liquid." So if you've ever paid a mom and daughter in Texas to inject a mystery liquid into your butt, first of all, you look amazing.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And also, your butt is now filled with old swamp water.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Maeve do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Well...
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Good, right? The train - remember? I got the train.
KURTIS: Yeah, you did. You did. You got one right.
HIGGINS: Oh.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: All right then, Bill. How many does Mo need to win?
KURTIS: Three to win.
HIGGINS: Wow.
SAGAL: Three? Just three. Here we go, Mo.
ROCCA: I've already won. We can just...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Mo, this is for the game. Fill in the blank.
ROCCA: Yeah.
SAGAL: On Tuesday, five major TV networks urged President Biden and Donald Trump to commit to participating in televised blanks.
ROCCA: Debates.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: According to new data on Wednesday, the U.S. blank rate has risen higher than expected.
ROCCA: Inflation rate.
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, the state Senate in Tennessee passed a bill allowing teachers to carry blanks in school.
ROCCA: Firearms.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: According to Nielsen data, the woman's blank final drew over 19 million viewers.
ROCCA: The NCAA basketball final.
SAGAL: Right.
(APPLAUSE)
ROCCA: Yeah.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Just one week after he was fined for throwing a bumper at another car, NASCAR driver Joey Gase blanked.
ROCCA: He threw a carburetor at the same driver?
SAGAL: No. He got a sponsorship with a bumper company.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Following a dispute between TikTok and her record label, blank's music is now back on the social media site.
ROCCA: I mean, it's always Taylor Swift.
SAGAL: It's always Taylor Swift.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Wednesday, health officials once again warned states about rising blank cases.
ROCCA: Oh, COVID.
SAGAL: Measles.
ROCCA: Measles.
SAGAL: This week, a man named Iron Man...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: ...Made headlines for blanking at a bar in Brooklyn.
ROCCA: For smelting at a bar.
SAGAL: No. For ironing customers' shirts for free.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: That's cute. That's sweet. Damn.
HIGGINS: (Laughter) Iron Man.
FARSAD: Aw, that's nice.
SAGAL: It's such a fun idea, because who hasn't been surrounded by drunk people at 1 a.m. in Brooklyn and thought, you know what? This place needs somebody holding something scalding hot.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, did Mo do well enough to win?
KURTIS: Well, he got five right for 14 more points. He's the winner.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Yeah.
HIGGINS: Yeah.
ROCCA: End of scene.
SAGAL: Congratulations to Mo.
SAGAL: Now, panel after the cicadas, what is going to appear next after being away for a while? Maeve Higgins.
HIGGINS: My fiance, Henry.
(LAUGHTER)
HIGGINS: Come back to me. I won't do it again, Henry.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Negin Farsad.
FARSAD: Powdered wigs and Tudor collars. They both look so comfortable.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And Mo Rocca.
ROCCA: The truth. Damn it all to hell, Peter - the truth.
(APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: And if any of that happens, we're going to ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thanks also to Maeve Higgins, Mo Rocca and Negin Farsad.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thanks to the staff and crew at the Benedum Center. Thanks to everyone at WUSA in Pittsburgh. Thanks to our fabulous audience who came to this beautiful place in this beautiful city. And thanks to all of you for listening out there. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: This is NPR.
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