Chappell Roan plays Not My Job on NPR's "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" With the release of her album The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess, Chappell Roan became a queer pop icon. Her hit songs include "Hot To Go!" but what does she know about to-go food?

'Wait Wait' for May 11, 2024: With Not My Job guest Chappell Roan

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JENNIFER MILLS, BYLINE: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real live people.


BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Are you coughing and sneezing? That's me. I'm your seasonal Bill-ergies (ph) - Bill Kurtis.


KURTIS: And here is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., Peter Sagal.


Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everyone.


SAGAL: Thank you all so much. We - oh, man. Normally, I'd tell you to calm down, but no, we really do have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to the biggest thing in pop right now, Chappell Roan. And I'm going to admit...


SAGAL: See? See? I'm going to admit, last week, I did not know a thing about her, but after, like, a solid five days of listening to her music, I am proud to say I, Peter Sagal, am officially a full-blown Chappell Roan girlie.


SAGAL: If you would like to be a WAIT WAIT girlie, call in to play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listen to contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ELIZABETH: Hi. I'm Elizabeth (ph) from Greensboro, N.C.

SAGAL: Greensboro, N.C., which I know and love, even though I've never been. What do you do there?

ELIZABETH: I direct a yearly international convention for modern quilters called QuiltCon.


SAGAL: Apparently, we have some quilters here.



SAGAL: So you direct - it's a yearly convention called QuiltCon. And this is, I assume, a time and place where every year, the quilters from all over the world come and talk quilting.

ELIZABETH: That's right. We just had our 14th convention back in February this year.

SAGAL: Wow. And I'm guessing the parties are insane.


ELIZABETH: Well, they are definitely dressed to the nines in their quilty outfits.

SAGAL: Right.


SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Elizabeth. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian and fashion designer that you can see June 28 and 29 at the Comedy Plex in Oak Park, Ill. It's the prince of Bronzeville himself, Mr. Brian Babylon.



SAGAL: Next, he's a comedian who is performing at the Warner Theatre in Washington, D.C., on the 15 of June. It's Tom Papa.

TOM PAPA: Hello.


SAGAL: And making her debut on our panel, it is the creator and showrunner of "Girls5Eva," all three fabulous seasons of which are on Netflix right now. It's Meredith Scardino.



SAGAL: So Elizabeth, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Of course. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, and you will win our prize, any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to go?


SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is from a presidential candidate talking about a minor health issue.


KURTIS: A worm got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.


SAGAL: Which presidential candidate has or - I guess still has a worm in his brain?




SAGAL: Robert F. Kennedy Jr., independent candidate for president, has revealed that a parasitic worm ate part of his brain and then died in there, prompting an outpouring of well wishes and, oh, that-explains-its.


PAPA: So is that the Kennedy curse?

BABYLON: The Kennedy curse still is going on, huh? That Kennedy curse.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah. They're...

PAPA: They can't catch a break (ph).

SAGAL: They got cut down of the prime of life - JFK, RFK Sr. and the worm. Now, it is - now, it's a problem for Mr. Kennedy's campaign because he has pitched himself as a younger, fitter alternative to either Donald Trump or Joe Biden, and the worm would have liked to add, and tastier.


SCARDINO: Maybe he is. Maybe he is kind of - you know, worms, don't they regenerate?

SAGAL: Sometimes.

SCARDINO: That's sort of a young - it's nice to have a sort of a young, thriving worm.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SAGAL: So I mean, you think it's possible that, like, the worm split in half and now he's got two worms?

SCARDINO: Potential - I don't know. I don't know his life.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SAGAL: We don't know his business.

PAPA: I'm no worm man. I like that (ph).

SCARDINO: But I do like - I did read that he - the medical prognosis is keep it.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SCARDINO: Just leave it.

SAGAL: Just don't.


SAGAL: Just leave it there.

SCARDINO: Leave it.

SAGAL: Leave it there because the one thing you don't want to do when you got a worm in your brain is make it angry.


BABYLON: But, you know, if he had just gotten that worm vaccination, this would not be an issue.


SAGAL: True.

BABYLON: Get that worm vax, man. We all have it. We all have it here.


SAGAL: I should say that, you know, how did we find out about his worm? Why did he admit it? Because it came out in a deposition.

BABYLON: We all have it. We all have it here.

SAGAL: (Laughter) I should say that, you know, how did we find out about his worm? Why did he admit it? Because it came out in a deposition that Kennedy gave a few years ago to claim diminished earning capacity - right? - during an acrimonious divorce. It's like, I can't make any money to pay you alimony. I have a worm in my brain.


SAGAL: A lot - that's what he said. A lot of marriages, as we know, sadly ends when your spouse tells you, honey, there's someone else.


SAGAL: You just never think it's going to be a worm.


PAPA: How much of his brain did it eat? Do they know that?

SAGAL: That is an interesting question. We don't know.

PAPA: And why did it stop eating it?


SCARDINO: It got poisoned.


SAGAL: Yuck. That's like - what's worse than a worm eating your brain? A worm taking your bite of your brain and sending it back.


SAGAL: All right. Your next quote is from the judge at Donald Trump's trial this week after testimony from a key witness.

KURTIS: "There are some things that would have been better left unsaid."

SAGAL: So Judge Juan Merchan was talking about what star witness?

ELIZABETH: Stormy Daniels.

SAGAL: Stormy Daniels, yes.


SAGAL: Ms. Daniels began by swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Then she started talking, and the judge was like, good lord, lady, maybe not the whole truth.


SAGAL: She was testifying about, of course, her fateful meeting with Donald Trump many years ago, and she provided details. In fact, I did not know until this week that the judge himself can make an objection.


SAGAL: And that happened. The judge said, I object to this. TMI. Legal term. Were you guys glued to the testimony?

PAPA: The creepiest detail - it was one of those weird things where you're like, oh, it's so disgusting and you're like, oh, yeah, that sounds right. What was it?


PAPA: The most disturbing part to me is that when she came - he asked her up to his room, and he opened the door in silk pajamas.


PAPA: Eugh.


PAPA: I mean, like, you're going on a trip, and you're packing that?

SAGAL: After everything we heard about that night...

PAPA: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...The thing that you found most offensive was the silk pajamas?

PAPA: That was the most offensive 'cause that's - I travel a lot. I'm on the road all the time. If you're packing that, you're a special kind of cringe.


BABYLON: But you know what, though? He told someone to pack them for him. He doesn't pack. He told someone to do that, and they were like, ugh, this guy. Right?


SAGAL: So, I guess, you know, since, of course, Trump had said it never happened, now you can understand why she decided to go into details and describing what happened - but why did the courtroom artist have to draw all of it?


BABYLON: The whole description sounds so cliche, old-timey rich man sex - like, boxers...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: ...You know...

SCARDINO: Silk pajamas.

PAPA: Silk pajamas.

BABYLON: ...Black socks pulled up with the little suspender things on the side.

PAPA: If you're Thurston Howell and you put on silk pajamas, this is the kind of sex you have.

BABYLON: Like, Montgomery Burns - love-making at its worst.


SAGAL: All right, Elizabeth, we have one more quote for you. Here it is.

KURTIS: "Come on, kids. Let's grab drinks."

SAGAL: That was The New York Times, talking about how children are increasingly the ones who are ordering what on upscale restaurant menus?

ELIZABETH: Oh, I read this. Nonalcoholic drinks.

SAGAL: Yes, mocktails.


SAGAL: Nonalcoholic drinks. Very good.


SAGAL: As more and more restaurants are putting these fancy, non-alcoholic drinks on the menu, more and more children are ordering them, to the consternation of the bartenders. They are not for kids; they're for adults who do not drink alcohol but want the thrill of paying $17 for juice.


BABYLON: This sounds like some stuff that kids in Brooklyn would do. Ain't no kid at Applebee's in Arkansas ordering no mocktail. This sounds like some Brooklyn kid, "Boss Baby" energy.

PAPA: Hipster baby.

BABYLON: Hipster babies, yeah..

PAPA: Yeah, walking around with, like, a Twizzler, pretending it's a cigarette.


PAPA: It's got to be real upsetting for these bartenders, though, 'cause, you know, they're, like you said, Brooklyn bartenders, and they're all old-timey, and they're mixing it up...

SCARDINO: Mixologists.

PAPA: And they're cool - yeah, mixologists, and then a little kid orders it. It's just got to make him so angry, he just starts twirling the ends of his mustache.

BABYLON: Yeah. You know, the kids don't tip, either. That's another thing.


PAPA: Yeah, they don't even have money.


SAGAL: Why are we serving them anyway?

PAPA: Who are these kids? Get them out.

SCARDINO: Why are they in cocktail bars?

SAGAL: Bill, how did Elizabeth do on our quiz?

KURTIS: What a courageous woman. She sat there and took it through that whole quiz and hit three home runs.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

SCARDINO: (Cheering).

SAGAL: Well done, Elizabeth.


SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, and good luck with next year's Quilt Comp (ph).



SAGAL: Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Tom.

PAPA: Yes.

SAGAL: An airline story went viral on TikTok this week when one passenger lied and cheated - was caught lying and cheating - in the most important airline-passenger negotiation. What?

PAPA: Lied to who?

SAGAL: Lied to another passenger.

PAPA: Oh, to another passenger.


PAPA: Lied to the passenger about not being able to move their seat, trade seats with them?

SAGAL: Exactly right.


SAGAL: He lied about trading seats, but that's not what he did. So on this flight, as somebody documented it, a father asked this other man to switch seats with him so the first guy could sit with his children, and he offered his own aisle seat in return. And the very nice man said, oh, of course, you can sit with your children and got up and went back and found out it was a middle seat.



SAGAL: He lied. The dad lied.


SAGAL: And unfortunately, it just so happens this was not a Boeing aircraft, so there was not an available hole to throw him out of.


SAGAL: This video being put up led to outrage, of course, but then also a wide-ranging discussion on the etiquette of seat swapping. So what if you're sitting there - you're very happy, and somebody's like, oh, would you excuse me 'cause I'd love to sit next to my wife, or whatever - but you really don't want to move? What do you do then?

BABYLON: Oh, I don't speak English.


BABYLON: I'm the best no-English person.


STEALERS WHEEL: (Singing) Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

SAGAL: Coming up, our panelists lose big. It's our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Tom Papa, Brian Babylon and Meredith Scardino. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., Peter Sagal.


SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. Right now, it's time for the WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air or check out the pinned post on our Instagram page at @waitwaitnpr.

Hi. You are on WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MEGAN ELLIS: Hi, Peter. It's Megan Ellis (ph) from Coram, Mont.

SAGAL: Coram, Mont. I don't know there. Where is that exactly in Montana?

ELLIS: We're about 8 miles south of the west entrance of Glacier National Park.

SAGAL: Oh, I have been to that area. It is fantastically beautiful. What do you do there?

ELLIS: I am a retail operations manager and buyer for the gift shops around the park.

SAGAL: No. Can I ask you - 'cause I wonder this whenever I see those shops - what's, like, the most popular tchotchke right now? And does it change?

ELLIS: I mean, the most popular thing is a stupid T-shirt. It says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for bears. Bears will kill you.


PAPA: I like that.

SAGAL: I don't know. That strikes me as pretty wise advice, right? Yeah. Well, Megan, welcome to our show. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Megan's topic?

KURTIS: How we lost the big game.

SAGAL: There's all kinds of ways to lose big in sports - a bad play, an injury, FanDuel.


SAGAL: This week, we heard a surprising way that somebody lost a very important match. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the real one, and you'll win the WAIT WAITer of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

ELLIS: I sure am.

SAGAL: OK. First, let's hear from Brian Babylon.

BABYLON: When the annual Hamptons elite cricket match coincided with billions of cicadas coming out of the ground, many people urged them to cancel the event. But the game between the East Hampton Wickets and the Liverpool Spinners was expected to draw a large crowd of enthusiasts, so the Wickets' team chef had a great idea to make the most of the historic bug infestation - cicada smoothies.

According to experts, drinking cicadas can give you cicada brain, which was immediately apparent as the Wicket players begin their pregame warmups. They were running in erratic patterns, doing Bob Fosse dance moves, chasing imaginary cricket balls and screaming, - so much screaming. The Wickets had to forfeit the match, and the day turned into an impromptu insect awareness seminar as entomologists in attendance took the opportunity to educate the crowd about cicadas and their life cycle. It's important to respect all creatures and maybe not blend them into smoothies.


SAGAL: Cicada smoothies ruins a cricket team's performance. Your next loser legacy comes from Meredith Scardino.

SCARDINO: The first annual Calamvale cheerleading invitational in Brisbane, Australia, may be its last after organizers built the competition area too close to a flock of magpies. Territorial magpies nesting in nearby trees, quote, "squawked, rattled, and dropped sticks" whenever cheerleading pyramids breached three tiers. It created an atmosphere of fear when it should have just been fun, said one participant whose clip-on braid had been taken.


SCARDINO: At least two teams dropped out, while others took precautions and performed in bike helmets. But Sydney Cheer One, the squad heavily favored to win, took matters into their own hands, throwing rocks, sneakers and pompoms at the birds in an attempt to scare them off. It seemed to work until Sydney's final stunt, which culminated onstage in five girls 8 feet in the air waving sequined flags that were silver. Then beaks rained down from the sky, and they lost.


SAGAL: A cheerleading team attacked...


SAGAL: ...By a flock of magpies they enraged. Your last story cruising for a losing comes from Tom Papa.

PAPA: When a soccer team is trying to get to the playoffs, it needs a lot of things. One of the things it doesn't need is some rich guy buying his way onto the team and running around like a rich guy who bought his way onto the team.


PAPA: That's what Paris Hilton's brother-in-law, 45-year-old Courtney Reum, did. He had always wanted to be a professional soccer player, but when he realized he didn't have enough talent, skill or natural-born gifts, he replaced all of that with money.


PAPA: As part of a six-figure deal, Reum insisted he'd get to play in a real game with real stakes. And when the team was down one goal in their final game, he entered the game, and they lost, relegating the team to a lower league for next season, when Reum will most likely be buying his way onto a submersible.


SAGAL: All right. These are your choices. Somebody managed to lose a game or a match in an interesting way. Was it, from Brian Babylon, a cricket team who was sabotaged by a chef who decided to make everybody cicada smoothies to celebrate those cicadas' arrival? Was it, from Meredith Scardino, a cheerleading team that lost their competition in Australia because they provoked a flock of magpies nearby or, from Tom Papa, a professional soccer team in Portugal that lost because they took a rich guy's money to let him play during the key moments? Which of these was the real story of an unexpected loss in the news.

ELLIS: I think I have to go with Tom's story about the rich guy.

SAGAL: So you're going to go with Tom's story about the rich guy.


SAGAL: Paris Hilton's brother-in-law, nonetheless, who bought his way onto a Portuguese soccer team and ruined everything. All right, well, to bring you the real story, we spoke to the reporter who covered it.

DAVID MARINO-NACHISON: Courtney is a 45-year-old venture capitalist and, about two years ago, got the idea that he would like to play in a big-time game.

SAGAL: That was David Marino-Nachison...


SAGAL: ...The reporter who broke this story for The Wall Street Journal. Congratulations, Megan. You got it right. You earned a point for Tom. You've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Congratulations.


ELLIS: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing with us today.

ELLIS: Thanks for having me.

SAGAL: Thank you, and save a T-shirt for me the next time I come by. Take care.

ELLIS: I sure will.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

ELLIS: Thanks. Bye.


BECK: (Singing) Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser, baby...

SAGAL: And now the game we call Not My Job. Kayleigh Rose Amstutz was a teenager who became a local celebrity in her hometown in Missouri, singing her songs at festivals and on YouTube. But then Kayleigh created the persona of Chappell Roan. And Chappell Roan's first album, "The Rise And Fall Of A Midwest Princess, " became a monster hit, and now she's become one of the biggest pop stars around. Chappell Roan, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.



SAGAL: You're welcome.

ROAN: Kind of crazy intro (laughter).

SAGAL: It is. I mean, is it not true? I mean, you're pretty big...

ROAN: I guess.

SAGAL: You're pretty big time, Chappell.

ROAN: I'm, like, a random girl. I don't feel like any of the things that you said.


SAGAL: OK. All right.

ROAN: It's so...

SAGAL: Well, hold up...

ROAN: ...Off-putting that you said my full name.

SAGAL: Oh, I'm sorry.


ROAN: No more of that.

SAGAL: No more of that. We shall not...


SAGAL: Well, I won't mention that name, but the story I told - I hope is true - that you were performing under your own name, and then you became Chappell Roan. And can you tell me - well, can you tell me why - like, who is Chappell? And how is she different from that other person who I won't name?


ROAN: I mean, Chappell's just the drag version of me, I would say.


ROAN: She's quite outgoing and has no issue being loud and proud. It's quite exhausting, to be honest. So...

SAGAL: Really?

BABYLON: Who are we talking to right now? Like, who is - who...


BABYLON: Just so we know. Who is it?

ROAN: I'm going to say 60/40.

BABYLON: Sixty/forty.

SAGAL: OK, 60/40.

ROAN: Sixty/forty.


SAGAL: So, like, when you're done being Chappell for the day - until some dumb radio show wants to talk to you about it - what do you do? Do you just, like, change your clothes? Do you put Chappell away? Is there, like, a ritual you do - just to say, OK, I'm not Chappell anymore? How do you keep it separate if it's so exhausting to be Chappell?

ROAN: I scream into my pillow...


ROAN: And then take off all my makeup and watch "Drag Race."

SAGAL: Yeah, sure.

ROAN: That's what (laughter)...


SAGAL: Let other people do drag for a while. Can you - did you have to come out as Chappell to the people who knew you? 'Cause you were very young when you first - when Chappell first sort of was conjured up, right?

ROAN: Well, I thankfully wasn't very successful as Kayleigh Rose. So nobody really knew the difference, to be honest.


ROAN: And I - stuck pretty quickly.

SAGAL: Were you inspired by anybody as a - well, let me ask you about your musical influences. Who were you listening to as a kid when you were - started to make your own music?

ROAN: I was listening to Christian rock music only, and I found Kesha. And I was like, oh, my God.


SAGAL: OK. All right. So you said you were listening to Christian rock exclusively. And then, like, how did you come across Kesha?

ROAN: Oh, at school.

SAGAL: Right.

ROAN: People were talking about it.

SAGAL: Right.

ROAN: They were singing - I mean, I was in seventh or eighth grade, and all these girls were like - they're like, oh, do you know this song, "Blow," by Kesha? And I was like, no. What is it? And they're like, (singing) blow. And I was like, oh, holy...


ROAN: ...Crap. Holy crap. Like, that's...

SAGAL: Nice save there. Nice save there, Chappell. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And, like, is that when it all - so your brain sort of went - I feel like it was like going - when Dorothy lands in Oz and it's in color, right? You sort of saw the world differently.

ROAN: Yeah. It was, like, glitter and, like, frigging - the stockings ripped up the sides. Like, just - it's just insane. I loved it so much.

SAGAL: We heard a great story that when you signed your first record contract, they announced it at your high school over the PA.

ROAN: (Laughter) Yeah.

SAGAL: That true? What did - do you remember it? Were you there? Were you listening when they said it?

ROAN: Yep.

SAGAL: What did they say?

ROAN: Well, first, they said, like, there's, like, a senior football player that got signed to Mizzou, which is in Missouri. It's, like, Missouri University.


ROAN: They're like, congratulations. Forest (ph) just signed to Mizzou. F1 (ph) football, la la la (ph). And everyone was like, whoo (ph). And they're like, oh, yeah. Congratulations. Kayleigh Amstutz signed with Atlantic Records. We are having pizza for lunch today...


ROAN: ...And no peaches. And it was, like, that quickly. And I was just like, oh, my God. Why - literally, why did they do that?


ROAN: And then people thought I was lying, which is valid.

SAGAL: Have - there's a video for one of your songs, "HOT TO GO!" - which I love...


SAGAL: ...Again. And in that video, Chappell goes back to Missouri in Springfield, where - and it opens with you teaching the "HOT TO GO!" dance to your grandparents. And I have two questions, which is, first, how did they do with the dance? And secondly, what has your hometown, like, felt about Chappell now that you've gone pretty big? I mean, you're playing Coachella. You're opening for Olivia Rodrigo. This is...


ROAN: My grandparents did their best.


ROAN: And then my (laughter) hometown - I was prepared to be run out of town because - I don't know. It's pretty wild - what I'm bringing to the table. But it has brought out all these queer people, and, like, people I've never met or seen and - to come to my shows.


ROAN: And it's made me appreciate my hometown so much more and realize, like, oh, my God. They were here this whole time. I just didn't know.

SAGAL: You refer to Chappell as drag, and you love drag performers. In fact, many of your shows open with drag performers, right? Have you ever had the thrill of seeing a drag performer - hopefully a good one - do one of your songs - like, lip-sync to you?

ROAN: Well, I love bad drag, first of all.


SAGAL: OK. There's no bad drag. There's good drag, bad drag - it's all great.

ROAN: I've never seen someone in person do it. But I've seen videos, and they're always - I mean, they serve. They're incredible.

SAGAL: Right.

SAGAL: Well, Chappell Roan, it is absolutely a thrill to talk to you, but we have some business to do. We've asked you here to play a game that this time we're calling...

KURTIS: Hot Food To Go.

SAGAL: So one of your big hits is "HOT TO GO!" - which inspired us to ask you about takeout food.


SAGAL: Answer 2 out of 3 questions about takeout, and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might like from our show. Bill, who is Chappell Roan playing for?

KURTIS: Ten-year-old Gordon Draper (ph) of Des Moine, Iowa.



SAGAL: So you're playing for a 10-year-old. That's not - that's unusual. That's unusual for us. Here we go. Here's your first question. Food carts - of course, a great way to get food to go. Which of these is a real food cart you can get food from somewhere in the world? Was it A, Cicada Burrata (ph), which shows up whenever a cicada brood emerges and serves them deep fried with, of course, cheese; B, Kitchen of the Unwanted Animal in Amsterdam, a cart that exclusively serves stew made from geese killed by cars; or C, Sewer Softies (ph), which serves soft ice cream through a sewer grate below the curb on Yamhill Street in Portland, Ore.?


ROAN: I think...



ROAN: ...B is real.

SAGAL: Your fans here think it's B.

ROAN: I think it's B.

SAGAL: It is B. Everybody's right.


SAGAL: Yes. B.


SAGAL: And they say it's pretty good goose stew. So if you're next time in Amsterdam, stop by. Your next question - you're doing great - plenty of fast-food lovers dream of trying the options from other countries, including those served in Scotland, where something called the munchy box is a popular takeout item. What is a munchy box? A, it's the Scottish equivalent of a Happy Meal, except instead of a toy, kids get a side of haggis...


SAGAL: ...B, it's a single box stuffed with kebabs, fried chicken, a whole pizza, chicken tikka masala, samosas, onion rings, chow mein noodles, naan bread, garlic bread and, for the health-conscious, coleslaw...


SAGAL: ...Or C, the munchy box is something we are not allowed to say on NPR.



SAGAL: B is right.


KURTIS: Good for you.

SAGAL: B is the correct answer.


SAGAL: It's everything you've ever wanted to eat at once. All right. Last question - American fast-food restaurants are banned in Iran, but business owners in that country have found a work-around. They just create restaurants with similar menus and names, but they're changed slightly. So which of these is a real rip-off of a American fast-food restaurant they've got in Iran? A, Mash Donald's; B, Pizza Hat...


SAGAL: ...Or C, KFD.

ROAN: What does the D stand for?


SAGAL: I have...



ROAN: Oh, my God.



SAGAL: B. You're going to go for B. You're right. They're all real.


ROAN: Oh, they're all real?

SAGAL: They're all real.


SCARDINO: Pizza Hat.

SAGAL: They're all restaurants you can go to in Iran.

PAPA: Pizza Hat.

SAGAL: Pizza Hat. Oh, well...

SCARDINO: I want to eat at Pizza Hat.

SAGAL: ...Let's go down to Pizza Hat and get a pizza. That's what they have. Bill, how did Chappell Roan do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Brilliant. She's going to the top of the Michelin list. Chappell, congratulations.

SAGAL: You got them all right. Congratulations.


ROAN: Thank you. Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you. So Chappell Roan's new single is "Good Luck, Babe!" Her album...

SAGAL: ...Is "The Rise And Fall Of A Midwest Princess." You can catch her on tour now. Chappell Roan, what an absolute joy to meet you. Thank you for everything you've done and everything you're going to do, and thanks for being on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SAGAL: Give it up for Ms. Chappell.


ROAN: (Singing) I could be the one or your new addiction. It's all in my head, but I want nonfiction.

SAGAL: In just a minute, how to make a mountain disappear. It's our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.


KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Brian Babylon, Tom Papa and Meredith Scardino.


KURTIS: And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., Peter Sagal.

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. In...


SAGAL: ...Just a minute, Bill finds out how many limericks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. It's our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call - 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Meredith, this week, The Washington Post offered advice for parents trying to talk to their adult kids about what big change?

SCARDINO: Perimenopause?


SAGAL: No. Although, clearly, that notion has some support among our demographic. OK.

SCARDINO: (Laughter) That's funny (ph).

SAGAL: Not that. I'll give you a hint. It's a - the parent's like, oh, I'm sorry, honey. I know it's painful, but I just don't think we need your "Princess Diaries 2" poster on the wall anymore.

SCARDINO: A big - oh, their room was turned into a - you know, a gym or...

SAGAL: Yeah. Exactly.

SCARDINO: ...Office or...

SAGAL: Taking their childhood room...


SAGAL: ...Away.


SAGAL: That's the problem.


SAGAL: Many young adults feel hurt when they come back for the - say, the holidays and their old room is filled with their parents' stuff. One woman told The Washington Post she was furious to find her dad's suits in her closet. Well, it could have been worse. It could have been his whips.


SAGAL: So talking to your adult children about making their teenage hellhole into a usable space is hard. But according to therapists, you just need to have an open conversation with your kids like, this is my house.


PAPA: You don't live here anymore.

SAGAL: Right.

PAPA: We don't love you.


SCARDINO: I didn't have this problem because my house burned down - don't be sad - but when I was 25.

SAGAL: Yeah.

SCARDINO: And the craziest thing was the local fire department had a website - and I'm so mad I do not have a screenshot of this - but it was Fire of the Month.



SAGAL: What an honor.


PAPA: Fire of the Month.

SCARDINO: Fire of the Month.


SCARDINO: And there were, like, firefighters in front, like, posing...

SAGAL: Really?

SCARDINO: ...In front of it. I mean, they also put it out.

SAGAL: Did they take the picture before they put it out?

SCARDINO: Yeah. I mean...

SAGAL: Like, Phil, no. Wait. Don't.

SCARDINO: It was like - it was...

SAGAL: That's a beautiful fire right there.

SCARDINO: I mean, there's some pride in the job.

SAGAL: I know.

SCARDINO: But I just can't - I can't - it's one of my greatest...


SCARDINO: ...Regrets...

SAGAL: The arsonists...

SCARDINO: ...In life.

SAGAL: ...Must have been so proud.

SCARDINO: Yes, I know.


SAGAL: Brian, the company that makes Swiss Army Knives has announced a new version of the Swiss Army Knife. This one has every tool you might need, but no what?

BABYLON: No knife.

SAGAL: No knife. That's right.


SAGAL: Victorinox announced that to combat the, quote, "plague of knife crime," unquote...

BABYLON: Is this in London or something?

SAGAL: I believe this is in Europe. Yes. They will be making a new line of bladeless Swiss Army Knives. Wait for the terrible news that someone has been randomly tweezered to death.


BABYLON: They love a good shanking over there.

SAGAL: They do. They do. The online reviews of this new item will not be good. I bought this knife specifically to do a stabbing - total waste of money.

BABYLON: European crime is so annoying 'cause - and when you get there, it's all about pickpockets - that old (ph) Oliver Twist punk-a** crime. You know what I'm saying?


BABYLON: Here in America, we will punch you and take your stuff, right? In America, they're like, sleight of hand and fingers (laughter).


BABYLON: Rob me like a man, bro. I'm on holiday. I want to feel something. Rob me in this train station.

SAGAL: The whole thing is ridiculous 'cause, like, who actually uses a Swiss Army Knife as a weapon? Who are you murdering, some twine?

BABYLON: 'Cause you're like, hold on a second.


PAPA: Then you get the money. Take the tooth (ph) hook out.


PAPA: See you next time, fella.


BRYAN ADAMS: (Singing) Cuts like a knife, but it feels so right. Yeah, it cuts like a knife. Oh, but it feels so right.

SAGAL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can catch us most weeks here at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago or come see us on the road. Grease up your streetlights because we will be returning to the legendary Mann Center in Philadelphia on June 27. For tickets and information for all of our live shows, go to

Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CHRIS VASSIL: Hi. This is Chris Vassil (ph) from Chicago.

SAGAL: Hey, Chris. How are you?


VASSIL: I'm great. Thanks.

SAGAL: What do you do here in Chicago, the greatest city in the world?

VASSIL: I am the chief of staff to a CEO.

SAGAL: OK. Can you say more or will he have you killed?


VASSIL: I'm pretty sure I signed an NDA at some point. I'm pretty sure.

SAGAL: Right. Right. Chief of staff. So that means you do this person's schedule and bring them their - I don't know - what do you do for them?

A lot of smiling and nodding and telling the emperor he's wearing no clothes, right?


SAGAL: Ooh. Does the emperor listen to this radio show?


VASSIL: Luckily, no. He's in Europe.

SAGAL: There you go.

VASSIL: I'm safe.

SAGAL: You're safe. All right. Well, welcome to the show, Chris. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Ready to go?

VASSIL: I'm ready.

SAGAL: Here's your first limerick.

KURTIS: My attention new websites will grab. At the plus with my mouse, I will jab. Most people say, yowza. Go check out that browser. As I open my 8,000th...


SAGAL: Tab. Yeah.



SAGAL: A woman is in the news after sharing a picture of her computer browser, bragging that she always has around 7,500 tabs open. Ironically, at least half of them are just Google searches for, why computer running slow?


SAGAL: As far as we can tell - no one's ever really done the research - 7,500 is the world record for the amount of tabs open on a browser. On an iPhone, the record is still however many tabs your mom had the last time you looked at her phone.


PAPA: It is weird that this digital stuff actually has, like, a physical effect. Like, you ever go through your inbox and really cull it out and get down to, like, 20?


PAPA: Oh, you should do it. It's like an enema.


SAGAL: What's most shocking is the woman said that her browser crashed, and she was able to relaunch all of the tabs. And you're like, you were given a chance at a new life.


SAGAL: And you refused it.

BABYLON: She has a disorder, man. That's some type of disorder, like, Adderall might help, but it might not. So...


PAPA: It's like the worm ate a very specific part of her brain.

BABYLON: Yeah. Yeah.


SAGAL: Worms are being targeted. All right, here's your next limerick.

KURTIS: I'm retired, and yet, I still grouse. We have money, our health, a nice house. But we're always at home together alone. I don't know what to do with my...

VASSIL: Spouse.

SAGAL: Spouse. Yes.


SAGAL: The New York Times magazine profiled retired couples who are struggling now that they actually have to spend all of their time together.

SCARDINO: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It's right there in the vows, though - for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, for three hours a day max.


SAGAL: It makes sense. You're used to having the house to yourself all day, right? Now, all of a sudden, there's this - another person in your space, seeing what garbage you eat all day and constantly trying to make you watch funny Instagram videos.

PAPA: So they don't like being together?

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: So they've had all this distraction in their life. And now it's gotten smaller, and they retire...

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: And they come back.

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: And they're just looking at each other.

SAGAL: Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

BABYLON: I thought couples were, like, how you see in those, you know, pharmaceutical commercials...


BABYLON: ...Just happy doing activities, extra vacations.

SAGAL: Older couples.

BABYLON: Oh, yeah. Yeah, like...

SAGAL: Throwing footballs...

SCARDINO: Yeah. If you...

SAGAL: ...And tires. That's what we all want to be doing. Yeah.

BABYLON: Yeah. Like, they might have some pills to take, but they're happy...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: ...Taking those pills.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SCARDINO: You'd think if you got all the way to retirement...

SAGAL: Yeah.

SCARDINO: ...You'd feel like you like that person.

SAGAL: Yeah. But the - of course, the thing is you have liked that person because you don't have to see them every day.


BABYLON: Yeah. You might like them...

SCARDINO: There should be, like...

BABYLON: ...But not love them.

SAGAL: Yeah.

SCARDINO: ...New kids you just bring in at that point, just to kind of help get you to death.


PAPA: That'd be a good service. Yeah.

SAGAL: Really?

PAPA: We're your new family now.

SCARDINO: But it's two surly 14-year-olds...

PAPA: Yeah.

SCARDINO: ...That you have to deal with.

BABYLON: Adopt me. I'll come in your crib.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: From our town, great Mount Fuji is seen. But the tourists are rude, loud and mean. This curtain will do to get rid of that crew. We are blocking the view with a...

VASSIL: Screen.

SAGAL: Yes, a screen.


SAGAL: A Japanese town famous and popular for its views of Mount Fuji has installed a giant screen to purposefully block that view because the town is tired of rude tourists filling up the street, taking pictures of themselves with Mount Fuji. Also, the town does not just want to be known for its looks. Hey. My history museum is down here.


PAPA: Eyes up here (laughter). Not smart, especially in Japan 'cause that's where Godzilla lives.

SAGAL: Yeah.

PAPA: And everyone else is going to be on high alert, and they're going to know to run. And then those people in that town, the big foot's going to land right on them.


SAGAL: I mean, like, Godzilla comes over Mount Fuji, and people are like, I don't see it.


SAGAL: Bill, how did Chris do in our quiz?

KURTIS: Great. Three in a row. You're a king.

SAGAL: All right. Congratulations.


VASSIL: Thank you.

SAGAL: Hats off to him.


SAGAL: Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill In The Blank. Each of our panelists will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many Fill In The Blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

KURTIS: Well, they're high scorers. Meredith has five. Brian has three. Tom has four.

SAGAL: All right. That means, Brian, you're in third place. You're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, President Biden said the U.S. would stop providing weapons to blank if they went ahead and invaded the city of Rafah.

BABYLON: Israel?



SAGAL: On Tuesday, Judge Aileen Cannon postponed blank's classified documents trial indefinitely.

BABYLON: Donald Trump?

SAGAL: Yes. On his...


SAGAL: ...Annual - at his annual shareholder meeting, Warren Buffett compared the risk of blank to nuclear weapons.

BABYLON: Electing Donald Trump?

SAGAL: No, artificial intelligence. This week, Qantas airline settled a $79 million lawsuit over their policy of selling tickets for blank.

BABYLON: I don't know - dogs?

SAGAL: No, for flights that had already been canceled. On Wednesday, Denver Nuggets star Nikola Jokic was named the blank of the 2024 season.


SAGAL: Yes. On Tuesday...


SAGAL: ...Disney received final approval for a massive expansion of their blank theme park.

BABYLON: Disneyland?

SAGAL: Yes. This week, visitors...


SAGAL: ...To a zoo in China were disappointed after they got tickets to...


SAGAL: ...A panda exhibit, only to discover that the zoo had blanked.

BABYLON: The - they were dogs that identified as pandas?

SAGAL: No. Well...


SCARDINO: Very close.

SAGAL: I'm going to give it to you.


SAGAL: I'm going to give it to you...


SAGAL: ...Because they were dogs that had been painted to look like pandas.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SAGAL: The zoo couldn't secure any actual pandas, but they had already sold tickets. So they did the next best thing. They painted some Chow Chows black and white and hoped nobody would notice.


SAGAL: The - that said, the zoo totally tipped their hand when the person leading the tour said, these are our pandas, Lin-lin (ph) and Rover.


SAGAL: Bill, how did Brian do in our quiz?

KURTIS: Five right, 10 more points, total of 13 is the lead.



PAPA: Not good enough.

SAGAL: All right. Tom, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, social media app blank sued to block a U.S. law that could lead to a ban.

PAPA: TikTok.

SAGAL: Right. According to...


SAGAL: ...A new report, without Congressional action, blank will run out of funding by 2035.

PAPA: Social Security.

SAGAL: Right.


SAGAL: On Tuesday, rescue workers concluded the weekslong recovery operation following the collapse of the Key Bridge in blank.

PAPA: In Baltimore.

SAGAL: Right. This week...


SAGAL: ...Sonic Drive-Ins premiered a new item on its secret menu, Dr Pepper with blank.

PAPA: Dr Pepper with lemonade.

SAGAL: With pickles. Thanks to his beef with...

PAPA: Ooh.

SAGAL: ...Drake, blank's streaming numbers are up over 50%.

PAPA: Kendrick Lamar.


SAGAL: Thanks to his beef with Kendrick Lamar, blank's streaming numbers dropped 5%.

PAPA: Drake.

SAGAL: Right. A little girl's...


SAGAL: ...Birthday party at a Seattle zoo was ruined when they saw a...


SAGAL: ...Bear eat blank.

PAPA: When they saw a bear eat its doody (ph).

SAGAL: No, when they saw a bear eat a family of ducklings who had wandered into the bear's enclosure.


SAGAL: In a viral video shared by the birthday girl's mother, you can hear children screaming as they watch a brown bear eat a family of ducklings one by one inside of the bear's enclosure.


SAGAL: One girl is heard to cry, that's not nice, mommy.


SAGAL: Hey. You know what else isn't nice? Starvation. It's the circle of life, Becca (ph). Happy birthday.


PAPA: Just eating them one at a time.

BABYLON: One at a time is hilarious.

SCARDINO: Oh, and the thing that sucks about ducklings is they always follow the next one.

PAPA: Yeah.

SCARDINO: So they're just, like, getting in line.

BABYLON: Oh, my God.

SCARDINO: Like, I guess that's what's happening to me.


SAGAL: Bill, how did Tom do in our quiz?

KURTIS: Five right, 10 more points. He's in the lead with 14.


PAPA: Yeah. Good job, worm. Good job.


SAGAL: Bill, how many does Meredith need to win?

KURTIS: Meredith needs five...

SCARDINO: Let's see (ph).

KURTIS: ...To win.

SAGAL: All right. Ready for this, Meredith?


SAGAL: Here we go. This is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the House voted against efforts to oust blank as speaker.

SCARDINO: Oh, the speaker. That guy.


SCARDINO: He looks like my friend Michael Coman (ph).


SCARDINO: I always forget his name.

SAGAL: It's Mike Johnson.

SCARDINO: Mike Johnson. See, I got his first name.

SAGAL: On Tuesday, the president of the blanks announced they were changing the organization's name to Scouting America.

SCARDINO: Boy Scouts.



SAGAL: This week, a man at an airport in Florida was stopped by the TSA after attempting to get through security with blank in his pants.


SAGAL: Yes. Two of them.


SAGAL: According to a new study, ultra-processed foods are linked to an early blank risk.

SCARDINO: Dementia?

SAGAL: Oh, no. Actually, death. Death is the answer.


SAGAL: On Monday, Planters announced a recall of blanks potentially contaminated with listeria.

SCARDINO: Peanuts.

SAGAL: Yes. This week, a...


SAGAL: ...Cybertruck owner broke his finger while filming a video that...


SAGAL: ...Was trying to prove blank.

SCARDINO: That he was cool.


SAGAL: No. He broke his finger trying to prove the Cybertruck won't break your fingers.


SAGAL: Tired of people saying the Cybertruck is a safety hazard, YouTuber Joe Fay decided to prove everybody wrong. He filmed himself closing the hood on his own finger, promptly breaking it. Tesla says they are unable to fix the problem because now the truck has a taste for human flesh.


SAGAL: Bill, did Meredith do well enough to win?

KURTIS: Well, she got three right, six more points.


KURTIS: Eleven means Tom is the winner this week.




SAGAL: Now, panel, what will be the next worm in the news? Tom Papa.

PAPA: A worm that magically takes the shape of missing airplane parts called Boeing worm.


SAGAL: Brian Babylon.

BABYLON: Tapeworms will replace Ozempic as the new diet craze.


SAGAL: And Meredith Scardino.

SCARDINO: I mean, the worm operating Tom Papa that got him to win this week.



SAGAL: Good job, worm.

PAPA: Papa worm.

KURTIS: Well, if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thanks also to Tom Papa, Brian Babylon and Meredith Scardino.


SAGAL: Thanks to all of you for listening, and thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Studebaker Theater. We'll see you next week.


SAGAL: This is NPR.

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