Who's Carl This Time? Carl reads three quotes from the week's news. This week: it's hard to look suspicious in Times Square; too much oil in the scampi; and the winner is ... no one!
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Who's Carl This Time?

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Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

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CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and Chicago Public Radio, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. And here's your host, at the Pikes Peak Center for the Performing Arts in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. We got a great show for you today. We are here in Colorado Springs, home to the United States Air Force Academy. The Academy was placed here in the '50s in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains so that cadets could rack up flying time by running down the hills, flapping their arms, and yelling, wheee.

The superintendent of the Air Force Academy, General Michael Gould would be joining us to play Not My Job. We arranged for him, we thought this would be dramatic, to make his entrance by parachute, but we forgot we're actually indoors here. So we're sending an intern up to the roof to find him.

While we do that, why don't you give us a call. The number is 1-888-Wait Wait, that's 1-888 924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

SOPHIA CHIN: Hi, this is Sophia Chin from Waltham, Massachusetts.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Waltham?

CHIN: It's great.

SAGAL: It's a great place, I've been there. What do you do there?

CHIN: I am a manager of professional development.

SAGAL: A manager of professional development?

CHIN: Mm-hmm.

SAGAL: That sounds vague and sinister.

TOM BODETT: Is that social work?

CHIN: It is social work. I train social workers.

SAGAL: I see. Well, welcome to our show, Sophia. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say to hello to a humorist and the man behind everything you might find at Bodett.com, Mr. Tom Bodett.

BODETT: Hello, Sophia.

CHIN: Hi, Tom.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Also say hello to an actor and a writer who is the host of "Treehugger TV" on Planet Green, Miss Faith Salie.

FAITH SALIE: Hi, Sophia.

CHIN: Hello.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And lastly, it's comedian and filmmaker, and the author of the new book "Satiristas," Mr. Paul Provenza.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

CHIN: Hi, Paul.

PAUL PROVENZA: Hello, Sophia, how are you?

CHIN: Good, good. How are you doing?

PROVENZA: I am so good.

SAGAL: Sophia, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Carl This Time? Of course, Carl Kasell is going to recreate three quotations from the week's news. Your job, simply explain or identify two of them; do that and you win our prize. Ready to go?

CHIN: Mm-hmm.

SAGAL: Here is your first quote.

KASELL: When a cowboy in underwear with a guitar is the baseline. Man acting suspiciously tells us nothing.

SAGAL: That was John Dickerson on Slate.com. He was commenting how lucky we are that the people noticed a particularly odd guy in Times Square who, as it turns out, was trying to do what?

CHIN: To blow up Times Square (unintelligible).

SAGAL: Exactly right, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Accused bomber Faisal Shahzad is not the brightest terrorist there is. I mean, the cave light's on but nobody's hiding in there, if you know what I mean. He wanted to make a fertilizer bomb, so he filled up his SUV with Miracle Gro, threw in a match, and then headed over to the ESPN Zone. It didn't blow up, of course, but observant vendors became suspicious because of the gigantic tomatoes growing out of the windows.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The FBI managed to track this guy down very quickly. And this is true, he left his house keys in the car. Attached, no doubt, to one of those souvenir New York license plate key rings with the name Faisal on it. He must have been like, finally, I found a Faisal.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

PROVENZA: You get the feeling he was sitting around going, okay, the guy with the thing in the underwear, that was bad, but I think I can be worse.

SAGAL: You think you can be worse.

BODETT: Before they found out it was Faisal and before they told us, they were looking for a white guy...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: ...that they saw on that video. And so I assumed that they were profiling stupid-looking white guys. And on the weekend, before Faisal came to light, I was actually at the gas station buying propane for my outdoor grill. And I was feeling observed, I felt really - you know, I was like - I felt like I was trying to bring a gun onto a flight or something. A stupid-looking white guy, I mean, and I do - let's face it, I look stupid in shorts and a ball cap.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And somewhat sinister. I mean, honestly, this guy had to be the worst terrorist in the world. I mean, it turns out, he did train at a camp in Pakistan, but it wasn't a very good one. I mean, all the alumni in their Hall of Fame wall are still alive.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SALIE: Don't you like what his words were when they found him on the plane? Apparently he said, "I was expecting you."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Like some, like, evil guy. Yeah. And you know he wasn't. They had pulled away from the gate. It was - you know, he was in his, like, socks for the red-eye with his Diet Sprite and his Nicholas Sparks book and he was like, "I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Sophia, your next quote comes from a shrimp fisherman in Mississippi.

KASELL: Nobody wants no oily shrimp.

SAGAL: That man was complaining about what?

CHIN: The oil spill in the gulf.

SAGAL: Exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The destroyed Deepwater Horizon well in the Gulf of Mexico is the worst oil spill in U.S. history, but of course this is America, so you know what we're going to do. We're going to look for someone to blame. The Obama Administration blamed BP, the oil company that owned the rig. BP blamed the contractor that ran the rig for them. The contractor blamed the dinosaurs for laying down and dying 100 million years ago. Why couldn't they have turned their bodies into something soluble in water, huh?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Do you think that Palin's slogan for 2012 will be "Spill, baby, spill"?

SAGAL: It could be.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So it's leaking into the gulf. The oil stain is spreading. The latest plan is to make a giant box to cover the leaking well, 5,000 feet down, and siphon it through a pipe straight to the surface. If this were an action movie, imagine Bruce Willis diving to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico with an enormous juice box.

PROVENZA: But you got to get him walk in slow motion out to the chopper that's going to take him out there.

SAGAL: Exactly. Meanwhile, this is true, hair salons along the Gulf of Mexico, did you hear this?

SALIE: Yeah.

SAGAL: They're collecting human hair because human hair is very absorbent.

SALIE: And dog hair.

SAGAL: Dog hair too?

SALIE: Yeah. And, this is great, panty hose. Did you hear about the panty hose thing?

SAGAL: No. What they're doing is they're taking the hair and they're going to make like bolsters and put it in the gulf to suck up the oil.

SALIE: And panty hose does it too. But nowadays so few people wear pantyhose that they've had to go to San Francisco to find it, because that's where the most pantyhose is sold because of transvestites. This is true.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Wait a minute.

PROVENZA: And you can get the extra large.

SALIE: That's right.

SAGAL: So now in the movie, Bruce Willis is going after transvestites saying, I need your hosiery, now.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And they're like, I've dreamed of this, Bruce.

BODETT: FBI, drop that hose.

SAGAL: Yeah. But did you see this, speaking of lame, Michael "Heckuva Job" Brownie, went on FOX to accuse the Obama administration of deliberately causing the disaster. It's great to know that in the years since Katrina he's still out there, not so much providing disaster assistance, but assisting disasters. For example, recently, he was in Iceland, blowing on the volcano to make it hotter.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Then last week, he was seen in Times Square helping an out of towner in a Pathfinder find a parking space.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last quote.

KASELL: Vote early. Vote often. Vote drunk.

SAGAL: That was blogger Andrew Sullivan, commenting on the fact that pubs were used as polling places in what country on Thursday?

CHIN: Britain.

SAGAL: Exactly, Great Britain.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The parliamentary elections in Great Britain...

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...resulted in a hung parliament. The Conservative Party grabbed a majority of the seats, but not enough to govern. By tradition, this means the Queen gets to select the Prime Minister. So President Obama will look forward to continuing the special relationship with an adorable Corgie dog.

Now this was interesting because this was Britain's first real American-style election. Were you following this? They had debates in front of colorful backdrops on TV. They had slick, provocative ads. When the phone rings at 3 AM, who do you want saying, Cheerio? Instead of Joe the Plumber, meet Nigel the Chimney Sweep, a charming cockney who was worried that the Liberal Democrats would make him wash his adorable face.

BODETT: Because the Brits just want a leader who they can have tea with.

SAGAL: Exactly.

PROVENZA: But I like that it was...

SAGAL: Have a disgustingly warm beer with, that's what they want.

PROVENZA: I like that their first American-style election, it's their most historically screwed up one they've had.

SAGAL: Yes. Funny how that works.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: But this is also true. Did you know this, that over there, Obama remains very popular? They're all trying to be the British Obama. They were all claiming that mantle. Gordon Brown actually legally changed his name to Gordon Hussein Brown.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

PROVENZA: You're not going to out-Obama me.

SAGAL: Carl, how did Sophia do on our quiz?

KASELL: Well you can't do better, Peter, she had three correct answers, so she wins our prize.

SAGAL: Well done, Sophia.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing.

KASELL: Thank you.

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